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No, no baby delivery. Never mind. I am not sure about occupational health - they will probably try to slow me down or stop me from what I want to do and then I have to have arguments again.... 
Date for pre-admission came through - have lectures that day, so had to change it right away. They are going to hate me!
Admissions lady was very nice though.
Also had the 'official' letter for op. They want me to turn up at the hospital (25 miles away) at 7 in the morning!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!! Do they not KNOW that I am not a morning person? So far there are only two people on the list. If I had got on with the surgeon better, I'd ask him to have a lay-in and start a bit later that day.
Also made me think: I am so lucky that I have friends who will take me there, even that far away and that early. I mean, I can't very well take myself (wouldn't get my car home, would I?!) and I don't know where this particular hospital is, so going on the train and walking there would be some adventure.
I was going to write my disertation about leadership, but now I may change it to 'does patient centred care even exist?' Meeting my tutor today, see what she says...
Still feeling good though! :p Stuff cancer!!!! :P
Do you know hopeful, if you can chage your disertation it would be so - trying to find the right words here - not therepeutic, but being able to feel that by putting your experiences in writing and applying theories to it would perhaps be a focus... Or perhaps leadership would be a good distraction?
I'm rubbish at academic stuff and would never get to disertation stage 
(Would have liked to put a big smiley face, but teensy box showed up)
Sending loads of hugs. Glad you're feeling good and yes, stuff cancer... xxxxxx
Only good things happened today:
Just as I was getting ready to leave for uni I got a phone call. It seems my 'real' cancer care nurse has been on holiday and is now taking over my care from the other one (the one that said I couldn't do stuff). She said she wanted to offer me a pre-op chat, and would I find this helpful. I said 'what do you know about me?', so she said nothing, really, just that I was down for this chat. So I told her I was a student nurse and she said that was brilliant, and she has been a nurse for fifty years and how interesting it would be to talk to me and please would I say yes to chat.
How brilliant is that! She was really really lovely, and I am really looking forward to meeting her.
Then I went to uni and met my tutor. Told her the surgeon story and she went a bit mad about that. When she calmed down I said can I change disertation and she said yes and just like Sparkling (see, great minds and all that!) she said it would be a good reflection for me personally, provided I would be able to keep unemotional in the writing. So I'll start research right after my op.
Then I met with two uni friends - they've almost sorted the essay I messed up, I just have to stick it together and hand it in, how lovely are they? We had a good laugh discussing it, too. To celebrate we went and had coffee and cake.
After that one of uni friends and I went to Zumba and enjoyed that a lot, and I was very pleased to see one of the young ones (it's all students) not cope and having to take time out - I am obviously quite fit, ha!!! Also asked instructor about exercising after major op, and she basically said to listen to my body and only do what I felt comfortable with for a while. All very positive.
So I am having a brilliant day!
Sharing positive vibes with you all!!!! xxxx
Wow Hopeful, that is all positive for you. I'm delighted, I really am. So, when do you go and meet the nice nurse for a chat? Now, that is what you call proper care. xx
I'll meet her next week on Thursday,- she did offer to stay on late this week on Thursday (how nice is that!), but I said next week will be fine. Gives me timie to gather my questions, too.
xx
Hi Hopeful, I am really pleased that your 'real' nurse sounds nice and you are looking forward to meeting up with her.
Great stuff about the dissertation, how very clever of you! And the rest of the day sounds really positive.
So after such a fab day yesterday, how are you feeling today?
I am fine - working on the wretched assigment that I failed - had lots of tips from friends, but I still don't really want to do it. Trying to think how relieved I'll be when it's finally done.
Simultanously watching the football (my tip has already gone out the window) and the later game is Germany, so will definitely watch that!
All is good here! :-)
Glad you are enjoying the football. I am on a concerted campaign to avoid it as much as possible although I am looking forward to the Olympics
EURGH assignment...you're right, the feeling you will get when it has been finished will be excellent.
Still haven't finished wretched essay. Biiig sigh.
Had an email from a friend in Germany. Said he'd met my mother and she seemed down and what was the matter. Even bigger sigh!
I did ask her would she be here when I am having the op and she said no, she couldn't possibly sort her stuff out at such short notice. So I left her to it. But she did seem really worried. (She is probably a lot more worried than I am). Have told friend what is the matter and to look after her.
It is a bit stupid though, she probably feels a bit useless at the moment, but I did ask her to help and she said no. I can't win!
Hi Hopeful, I'm sure your Mum is really worried, but obviously not wanting to tell you. I think we all do that don't we? Play down things even though inside we're worried sick. I'm glad your friend will keep an eye on her for you. Maybe, she might come over here in the end, despite her saying no. How are you doing anyway?
I am fine. Really, I am. :)
xxx
That is great Hopeful. You remind me soooo much of my sister, staying positive all of the time. Of course she had her down days, but the up days certainly outnumbered them
I'm so glad you've had a good day.
xxx
Yes, it is obviously worrying for your Mum (we can think about how it might feel if it was one of our own children) but as you say, you did ask her to help and so really that is all you can do.
More essay today? (quickly runs for cover )
have i mentioned that i really don't like this particular essay? I have another one to start - need 600 words by monday (although the tutor has said 'don't even think about doing this, you have enough to worry about' - bless him) which should be really quite easy.
will start cutting stuff today. sigh.
spoke to my cousin on the phone the other day. she said she'll see if she can come over for a little while when i am still off sick. yay!
Well, you know what I think of essays
That will be nice if your cousin's able to come.
Does your cousin live in Germany, Hopeful?
600 words....you can dooooooo it!!
600 words will be a doddle this afternoon! Working my way through the care plan, too, so I am getting there.
Yes, my cousin lives in Germany, but not anywhere near where I come from, that's why we don't see each other very often. We don't really talk often, either, but it doesn't seem to matter, we are still close.
She's quite a bit younger than I and when she was little I 'grew' a chewing gum tree for her! :-) (not that has anything to do with anything, it just makes me smile everytime I think about it).
That was kind of you...
I'm sure you've finished the essay by now, and I'm sure its excellent.
A chewing gum tree! I am intrigued!?
Ah, the chewing gum tree. She's 7 1/2 years younger than I, so I was about twelve at the time. I told her chewing gum grew on trees and got her to 'plant' her chewed up gum, so a new tree could grow. Then, a couple of days later, I stuck a twig where she'd planted it, replaced it by a bigger one some time later, and then went and tied lots of chewing gum on it one morning. She was most impressed.
It was very elaborate and cost me all my pocket money, but it was so worth it! 
Finished the 600 words (and got really good feedback from tutor). Still working on care plan for other essay....
Aww Hopeful, that was so sweet.
Brilliant news on the essay, well done.
I liked the bit about the chewing gum tree, it made me chuckle, glad you got that essay done and with good feedback, not that i was expecting anything less from you hopeful, hope all goes well with the care plan, do you have a time that has to finished by?
The whole thing is due on Wednesday by 4:30. Have sent the main body to my tutor who promised to look at it tomorrow.
You're nearly there then
Well done you! Thanks for the chewigng gum tree story, made me giggle!
Feeling really horrid today. Just want to cry. My own fault - have read on macmillan site about chemo side effects that make you loose your nails (never mind hair) and the steroids make you fat (like being lopsided isn't bad enough).
Also I am pretty sure stupid C is in other side already, too, will discuss with the really nice nurse (see there are good things, too!!!!) tomorrow. Apart from that I am totally paranoid, for example when I cough I am convinced it's in the lungs etc.
Sorry for being stupid. x
Not stupid at all, at all, at all. It has maybe just hit you all at once.
The nurse will be able to answer your questions tomorrow. What you have been reading about has made you think about the worst case scenarios.Not everyone loses their nails or puts on weight, not everyone's cancer spreads....they will probably do a chest Xray anyway before your op (check with nurse) Presumably they did mammograms on both breasts, and therefore would have seen anything on the other side too. But it's understandable to be worrying about it (and it's ok to be sad)
It's horrid doing all this waiting around, hardest part in a way. sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs.
Hopeful, you're not being stupid. You're having to deal with so much.
All I can say is a friend of mine has the most lovely nails... She has lost her hair, but she's always so bubbly, you don't really notice, you 'just' see K...
Loads and loads of hugs Hopeful. Thinking of you so much.
Awww Hopeful. i think this is all hitting you now. You've been so brave etc, and I truely take my hat off to you. You're remarkable Hopeful, you really are. Have a good cry, you've kept all the emotions in, so now time for you, and stop worrying about others so much. A chat with the Nurse should hopefully put your mind at rest over some things. My sister didn't lose her hair or nails. As for the coughing and thinking it could be in the other side, please don't panic or worry. Our imaginations play some horrid tricks, especially when you're facing what you are.
Keep positive Hopeful. If the steroids bloat you out, it won't be forever will it, and not everyone experiences the same thing, keep remembering this. Lots and lots of hugs from me, and positive vibes too. xxx
Hope all goes well with the nurse today, Hopeful.
Nurse was very very wonderful. She's retiring in March (but she reckons I'll be finished with treatment by then!) and has been a nurse forever. I took a friend from uni with me and she turned the whole thing into almost a study session. For example she went through the op and risks and asked us first...
Am back to old self and all is good! Thank you for all the positive thoughts, everyone! x
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Gald you had a good visit. You will have down days Hopeful, that is completely normal, so be kind to yourself. As you have already proved - you bounce back pretty quickly.
By the way, we love you whether you are crumpled and tear stained or bright and chirpy, so thanks for not hiding your blues.
Hopeful, am really glad the Nurse was lovely toward you. Especially glad to hear you're back to your old self, but we're here for you whatever you're feeling. xx
Thank you everybody! Really it had to hit at some point didn't it?
The nurse, by the way, said the surgeon was a really lovely man and he did really care and would phone patients to talk to them etc etc, so maybe he was just having a really bad day. I shall give him another chance, what do you think?
She also gave me a heart shaped cushion to stick under my arm after surgery (very comfy) and a 'thing' to stick in my bra so that the bra doesn't rub the surgery site. I will also be getting four free complimentary treatments - in my case massage, although they don't recommend the deep deep tissue that I like so much, - and then there's a pamper session where they teach you how to do make-up and scarves and stuff for when you loose your hair.
She talked about all the surgery stuff (I had a uni friend with me, and the nurse turned that part almost into a revision session!) and chemo and radio and was generally fantastic.
Thanks all for being here! xxxx
I am so glad that you feel more settled in your mind and yes, it had to hit sometime.
Top tip from my friend....do your post op exercises without fail
We are all here for you.
She really couldn't have been better, could she? Will you see her regularly now?
She will go to the MDT meeting (sorry, multi disciplinary team - it's where the surgeon and the radiographer and the histologist and the oncologist all meet to discuss the case), and then she'll meet with me and probably the oncologist and we'll talk about all the treatment options. And I can see her or ring her anytime I have a questions. :-)
I had a friend come down all the way from Bedfordshire to Kent, just to see me before I go into hospital! She only came for lunch! How nice is that!!!
That was lovely of your friend Hopeful. You're obviously loved
Go on, give your surgeon another chance If he doesn't pass this time, we'll be down to sort him for you 
My friend's husband is having his op on the same day as you. He has a brain tumour, and is coming over from Ireland for the operation. My arms are stretching out to both of you for hugs right now 
Blimey, I feel like elastic. xxx
Yes, long elastic arms are good. Hopeful will have them too, after her post-op exercises!
Hope all goes well for your friend's husband, Hazeleyes.
Hopeful, I am really glad that so many people have been there for you, it is great to have a support network while going through the next few months
I'm glad she'll be there too.
Thank you all for your support! I promise I will do my exercises!!! And take it easy. Not at the same time obviously....
.... although I would much rather go on placement.
xxx
Went to the radioactive sentinel note finding mission today. They inject you with some drug that's radioactive and then scan what lymphnode it travels to and that lymphnode they take tomorrow and see if there's any cancer in it (I really hope not!!!!) - if there is, they'll haul me back in for another op to take all the lymphs and I absolutely don't fancy that.
People keep asking me if I've packed my bag - when I don't have to leave home for almost another twelve hours!
So this is it now. Checking out till Wednesday night or Thursday at some point (depending how awake I'll be).
Oh, and as everyone seems to be doing all the worrying I've decided I don't need to.
I'm glad you're letting everyone worry for you.
You are very much in my thoughts, and hope things go as smoothly as they can.
Loads of positive thoughts - and my traditional hugs - coming your way Hopeful.
xxx
Lots and lots of hugs coming from me too Hopeful. Look after yourself, do as your told, and leave the surgeon alone We're all spuring you on from One Space. Best wishes to you. xxx
Glad you're having this support. Occupational health will be a good one to do.
Did you ever get to deliver a baby? I might have missed that bit...