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I am fine!
The thing is I am really good in interviews, but rubbish putting it on paper. I can't pre-empt (ist that how you spell it?) what questions will be asked, but I can think on my feet and am not thrown easily. It's when I think about it and try to write it down that it's a problem. It'll be ok though, I am sure.
I KNOW you will be OK, you are a real star, Hopeful.
I hope you're feeling a bit better today hopeful.
It must be the one you've handed in that I was thinking about.
Still feeling a bit bloated - I reckon it's the steroids. So only one more lot and I'll be done with those. :-) But generally I am great. x
Thank you everybody for being soooo lovely and supportive! :-)
Bloods on Wednesday, so hopefully the LAST chemo on Friday! Everybody root for me! :-) x
(Wy do I suddenly get a 'word verification' thing?????)
Oh I don't know, thought we had got rid of that!
Yes of course we will all be keeping fingers crossed. Your LAST one, hooray.
Am rooting for you here Hopeful. Wishing you a Healthy 2013. x
Fingers crossed for you
Here's hoping that it will indeed be your last chemo session on Friday, Hopeful. Happy New Year from me too 
Me too hopeful.
xxx
Fingers crossed that the bloods went well today and Friday's last chemo is on the horizon
Just quickly checking in. Chemo done. But somehow I don't feel better for it. Now it's radiotherapy (starting 28th) and herceptin and tamoxifen. I feel it will never end. :-(
So fed up with it all.
Loads of hugs hopeful. I wish I knew what to say.
In one way though I'm glad the Chemo has been completed. I hope you're feeling ok after this.
One more treatment behind you hopeful, yey!
Hi Hopeful, thanks for the update and checking in, sorry you are not feeling better for it.
I hope you have a good evening.
Thank heavens it is over, sorry you feel deflated rather than elated though. The treatment path is a long road and lots of it is behind you now, keep going and we are right here beside you.
Louise, the whole point is that it is NOT over. Chemo is, yes, but now comes radiotherapy (which is 'only' 3 weeks, but every day) and herceptin (which is a year) and tamoxifen (which is 5 years). Plus, as the occupational health doctor pointed out, the fear of it coming back at any point.
I am back to myself though, so not negative. Will go into placement to sort out my shifts on Tuesday! :-)
Glad you are feeling more positive. Of course the treatment plan has plenty left in store, I have been through it with more than one friend and a close family member too. I was saying the chemo was done, which many people find the hardest bit. Not everyone though,and yes of course there are long term psychological implications. I am sorry if you thought I was not acknowledging this.
Hope the placement gets sorted when you go in!
Hi Hopeful, glad to read that you are feeling back to yourself, that is always a good sign!
I think Louise was heaving a sigh of relief knowing that the first part of this long journey is over, as we all are, it is a long road, but we are here all the way.
When does the radiotherapy start?
Rads start 28th Jan. Herceptin 1st Feb. Portacath out tomorrow. Echo next Monday. Seeing oncologist 25th. No idea when Tamoxifen starts. I am so fed up with appointments!!!
Other than that I am fine, looking forward to placement, yay! :-)
I'm glad you're looking forward to the placement
xx
Had to go back to hospital to consent to the consent for the trial. Really. Those trials have really rigid guidelines. In exchange for that I've cancelled another appointment. Feeling really good again, yay! :-)
Thank you all for sticking with me. :-)
We are glad to do so, Hopeful! 
Glad you're feeling yourself again hopeful
Glad you're feeling good about things
Feel a bit like Tigger today :-) (in case you didn't know, Tiggers are wonderful things), got lots of bounce.
No appointments apart from Monday's echo and then rads start on 28th.
"Your top is made out of rubber and your bottom is made out of springs!!" la la la la!
I'll be singing that all evening now
Thought I'd update you on this: Radiotherapy is weird, it's just like having an x-ray done, only it takes a whole minute to do rather than a second. All in all I'm in and out in 10 minutes, the longest time is taken up by positioning, so the rays hit the right spot.
Starting the dreaded Herceptin tomorrow! Unfortunately I have found out that the chemo nurses give that, so I hope I am not there for too long, I have a late shift right after and don't want to be late for that! :-)
Good luck for today with the Herceptin Hopeful. Take it easy on your late shift too. xx
Hope all goes well, Hopeful. I think they are often a bit more cautious with the first Herceptin just to make sure you don't have a bad reaction and thereafter it can be quicker.
My friend said there was music piped into her radiotherapy room. A dreadful selection of tracks including the VERY tactless "Burn, baby, burn".
Oh no louise, somebody didn't check the playlist when they chose that CD!!!
Hopeful, all the best with this next stage of treatment x
Hope all went o.k with the Herceptin and you got to your shift on time Hopeful. I agree Louise very tactless with that CD choice.
Hi hopeful. I hope you're ok and you enjoyed your shift...
Did you have music playing?
Hahaha! I would have so loved burn baby burn, but then I guess that's nurse's humour! They have music playing, the first couple of times they had classical, and then they switched to something modern. I don't really hear it anyway, the machine is much too loud, and also it only takes a minute by myself.... 4 down, 11 to go.
The Herceptin was interesting on Friday. I went to the aseptic pharmacy bit to see how it's made because they say it can't be ready before 11. Well, having seen it, it can be ready before 11, but I am not going to argue, I'll request not to work those days.
The nurse who gave the injection is not so good at injections, I think. If I'd been allowed to do it myself it wouldn't have hurt, nor would I have a bruise now, but hey.
Upwards and onwards!
Good that you can count down the radiotherapy treatments, Hopeful. As you are in the medical profession yourself you must get all sorts of insights into the way things are done and then you can realise all this "it can't be ready before time X" is a load of boloney. By the time you have your next Herceptin then you will have finished rads I think?
Yes, rads will be finished by then. And I'll have started the dreaded Tamoxifen. I am still hoping I'll get rid of that stone I put on during chemo!
I'm sure you will x
So here's my rant. Feel free to not read it, nothing anyone can do, really.
I think it's the wretched Tamoxifen that's making me feel down. Breast care nurse said it will take 3 months to settle, but I don't know if I can put up with that. She is really nice, BUT when I spoke to her it was like she didn't realise how horrible I think this is. She was saying I was entitled to feel a bit down, after 'all I've been through' (if I hear that one more time I am going to scream!) with studying while having chemo and radiotherapy, and not to be so hard on myself.
Well, I am not hard on myself, I just don't want to feel depressed. And I do not want to take antidepressants either. I am fed up with constant appointments (still come with the herceptin). I think what I really want is someone to tell me it's ok not to take the Tamoxifen.
Also I think that it would be so nice to have my husband here; at least I wouldn't have to do everything (and I don't really mean treatment stuff, just everything) on my own. He would have been 50 on 4/4, so maybe I am thinking of that, too.
Did I not have a similar thing last year this time???
Sorry for going on.
Hi hopeful, sorry you're feeling so rubish at the moment.
Do you know what the risks are if you don't take the tamoxifen? Is the risk worth not feeling so awful. Or could you give yourself a time frame? If this feeling hasn't gone in 3 months stop taking them?
As I think I've said before, I can't begin to comprehand what you have been through or how you feel but I am always happy to read your thread and help if I can. I have suffered with depression in the past and one thing I learnt was that it will pass and this will pass for you. Hang in there hopeful, you are such a strong and amazing woman.
Sending you a big hug x
Loads of hugs from me too.
And personally, I do think that with anniversaries coming up that the ones we love are on our minds more?
My very best wishes.
Yes it was hard for you, as I recall when you were thinking about the anniversary of your husband's death, HUGS to you.
Maybe you can have a word with your oncologist, it varies with different women's cancers as to "what percentage Tamoxifen will improve things by", if you know what I mean then you can weigh up the benefit/risk thing with all the info. There's no point them telling you you "ought to" take it without them being able to quantify why! Sorry to hear the nurse was not very sympathetic. And I soooooo understand that you are sick of appointments and treatments and medication.
I HATE Tamoxifen. So much that I have decided I will not take anymore - at least until uni is finished, and then I may try again, but maybe I won't. The side effects are really really horrible: leg cramps, feeling fat and bloated (putting on weight), headaches, poor immune system (am on the 3rd bad cold since I started taking it) and the very very worst is I am getting really depressed and emotional. NOT good.
A nurse said to me on Friday (when she messed up my herceptin injection, but that's another story) 'but it's all worth it' and I thought actually, it's not. I find I'd rather have the cancer on the other side and have another mastectomy than feel this rubbish.
Unfortunately, nobody seems to understand me. Everybody is thinking if I don't take this stuff the cancer will come back. However, this is not the case. It may or may not come back regardless, there is just a bit of a smaller chance of it statistically, when people take it. Nobody puts as much pressure on someone who smokes or drinks regularly, even though the chances of these people developing very serious health problems are a lot higher. I really don't need this. :-(
Oh Hopeful, you have my every sympathy with Tamoxifen. I know so many people who have found it to be awful. Have a look at my last post though, they should be able to tell you about how much it affects your prognosis in percentage terms. However, I am a great believer in you know the limits of your own tolerance!
Did you know that they are actually considering offering Tamoxifen to women who are at high risk of getting breast cancer, as a preventative? The news reports about this mention that it is a drug with only very rare side effects....ooh look there's a pig flying overhead.
The Dr on Wednesday didn't really come out with figures. 'Slight to moderate' is the decrease in chance of it coming back and that's the best she could say. But I'd rather have it back and fight it with oompf than be depressed for the next five years of my life, thankyou very much.
Of course I could take anti depressants and I could take Ibuprofen for the joint pain and paracetamol for the headaches and Gaviscon for feeling bloated..... All with their own side effects. Right little polypharmacy I could have.... :-P
I know about them offering Tamoxifen to the higher risk women. I wouldn't take it. People trust too much in medicine than in their own selves.
The Dr on Wednesday didn't really come out with figures. 'Slight to moderate' is the decrease in chance of it coming back and that's the best she could say. But I'd rather have it back and fight it with oompf than be depressed for the next five years of my life, thankyou very much.
Of course I could take anti depressants and I could take Ibuprofen for the joint pain and paracetamol for the headaches and Gaviscon for feeling bloated..... All with their own side effects. Right little polypharmacy I could have.... :-P
I know about them offering Tamoxifen to the higher risk women. I wouldn't take it. People trust too much in medicine than in their own selves.
The thing about the preventative, I guess a lot of women will be scared and just take it regardless.
Ok so slight to moderate is a really unhelpful phrase. One positive thing I can say to you is that most people seem to find the side effects worse for the first few months and then things settle down, if you do consider having another go after your course, but yes, you have to go with what you feel and I know that you wouldn't take that decision lightly. There is a lot of debate about it on the Breast Cancer Care site if you want to read up.
I'm sorry the side effects have been awful.
Thinking of you Hopeful.
Why not imagine you are in an interview and what you would say, then paraphrase that into a written statement? Hope you are feeling better today