Hi clara
I am glad you found counselling useful, I do think that you are really going through the mill at the moment. Have a look at that site that Anna suggested and see what you think :)
Hi Clara, great news that you went to a counsellor.
In the discussions earlier people had said about not contacting him, if the boys ask you again when they are going to see him, can you say to them, you don't know, you will have to see when daddy gets in touch.
You can not control this situation and it sounds as if it is breaking your heart time and time again and you are being rejected by him over and over again. This is not healthy for you and I imagine you are feeling despair that then turns to desperation.
Please take care of yourself and put yourself first for once. You can't answer the boys questions about their dad and maybe its time to be upfront with them and let them know you just don't know what their fathers next move will be.
How would that sit with you?
That is roughly what I say to my children. They accept this as they know you're being honest with them.
Focusing on your children will help you through this.
Sending strength your way.
Sorry Clara, but I know you've said how old your boys are but I've forgotten.
My youngest will ask me to text and I say "no, Dad will text when he has the time to see you".
Ok, I'm guessing it must have hurt to start off with, but it does then put the ball from your court into their father's. They will then know it's up to their dad to say when he'll see them. They do stop asking. You do need to be strong though.
The ex's get such a kick from the way we react. I honestly believed that my ex would have been grinning when I sent a text to say he was letting the children down. It's not easy, but ignoring stuff is the only way that you can start to move forward. You move forward the children will be more settled.
My lot are seeing The Git tonight, and they're looking forward to it. I don't see him at all. I'll be dropping them off at his place after my youngest finishes footy. I drive away before the door gets openend. He drops them off at the top of the estate then. Not setting eyes on him makes it so much better for me.
Mind you, the love died about ten and a half years ago, and I wouldn't even choose such a person to be a friend...
You can do this.
Well done for saying no to your son. The older two, I'm sure, will be able to deal with this.
What a load of tosh he's said about the coat. I ask you! Talk about being juvenile.
Any texts like that, just ignore them. You know the decision you made was the right one.
Even when my ex texts to see the children - as he did yesterday - I don't tell them until they're eating tea (ex won't feed them), as I'm so used to him cancelling, and don't want the children getting excited. I just tell them their seeing dad after tea!
As for the summer. The Git saw the children three times. They had three two hour slots, 6 - 8pm. Each time he sees them, they watch a dvd. I can't change that though.
It's now two years, one month and six days since I last had more than a two hour break with him having the children. Not that I'm counting... :roll: :lol:
Stay strong.
Hi Clara
I hope your son is feeling better soon.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Clara
Glad to hear your youngest is feeling better. :) Your ex might be angry with you, but him not texting anymore because of this is just childish. My son texted his father to tell him that he had once again forgotten his birthday. The sperm doner texted him back saying, 'your mum doesn't like me, and she has put your card in the bin'. It is so pathetic, but I didn't let this get to me. My son knows that I wouldn't ever not give a card to him, and he also knows that the sperm doner never sends a card unless he is reminded by me. This year I didn't bother reminding him.
Although my son is only 7, I do explain things to him, and I don't lie about the situation between me and his father. It is hard. My son didn't meet his father till he was 5. The sperm doner didn't want to know, and he still doesn't. I felt at the time, that my son deserved to find out just what the father is like. I didn't want my son growing up with visions that his father was some great man.
I would do as Sparkling suggested, when your boys ask you to text him, say no, he will contact when he can. It is very hard for you because you still have feelings for your ex. You also want to protect your children.
Take care.
Alison
x :)
When my eldest dislocated his knee - days after his 16th birthday - he'd been playing badminton in club, and his father was there.
The Git phoned me to say that son had dislocated knee and ambulance had been called. I got there, son into ambulance - The Git cheerfully waves and goes home. I kept Git informed by text of what was going on. No text the next day even (son and I didn't get home til 1am), so I got son to text his father to let him know he was ok.
My youngest, then 9, broke his leg. Texted The Git when we got out of A&E before son asked me to let dad know, so showed him the text I had sent. IT WAS A WEEK BEFORE EX CASUALLY ASKED HOW YOUNGEST WAS, when texting to see them for two hours the following day.
It's not nice. You want the "other" parent to care equally for the children. I know how hard it is when they don't. But you can't make them care. You're their rock, just as I have to be for mine...
Loads of hugs.
You're doing so well.
Yep, it's none of his business what you do. Hope your mum will babysit and you have a good night out.
Try not to worry about thinking of him waiting for you to contact him. He won't be. He'll be doing whatever else.
I reckon in my case that the day the children and I went was possibly one of the happiest of his life. He wanted to be free and is.
I do get resentful though, knowing he can do what ever he chooses, even now. Very rarely though...
You keep strong and have a fantastic weekend with your children.
Hi Clara
Glad to hear you've made arrangements to go out. You are doing well right now, by not texting your ex, only of course when it is necessary. This is obviously really annoying your ex too.
Hope you enjoy your weekend
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Clara
Sounds like you had lots of fun with the boys. Are you getting tropical fish? A friend of mine has just got a tank for her son. Is this the latest craze i'm now wondering :lol:
We had gold fish, and that was plenty enough for me. I used to hate cleaning them out, yuk!!!! Have you got a filter for yours?
Have a great Sunday. The weekends just fly by don't they?
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Clara
So sorry that you are down again. This man makes me angry, and I don't even know him. He has the best of both worlds, and i'm sure you see that too. What he is doing is totally unfair on your children and the other woman's children. The other kids of course aren't your problem. That is down to her to see it and deal with it. As you say, they must be confused by it all.
You feel this way about him, because it is early days, and you still love him. That feeling can't be switched off like a light bulb. It takes a lot of time, and if you are sure that it is the end, then you have to be strong, and eventually you will wake up one day, and feel so much better.
Take lots of care
Alison
x :)
Hi clara
I think it is great that you have been able to not text him or contact him and left it for him to contact you. I am wondering now if when he does text you, if you can respond in a very neutral way, talking only about the boys and contact. Try not to respond to anything he is trying to get at you personally, he wants a reaction, he needs to know that he still has an effect on you.
I know that he does, but by showing him that, means that he can keep playing games. It is only small steps, but I feel that you are making them, even though you might not recognise it yourself. You can't keep going in this circle. I feel sorry for the other woman, she is obviously a single parent too and as you said her 'new' partner has slept out on her and left her so many times in the space of a year, she must have very low self esteem and no doubt it is messing with the childrens heads. ALL the children.
Have you read 'Are you the one for me?' the book that we have been talking about in other threads, this might be really useful for you to see why and how you have got trapped in this pattern with your ex. I am also wondering if you have heard of the Freedom Programme? Although you do not say that your partner was violent, what he is doing is a form of abuse. Have a look at this http://www.onespace.org.uk/articles/abuse-and-violence/the-freedom-programme and if you recognise any of the personas, get in touch with your local group.
Be careful with what you write on social networking sites, again this shows him how you are feeling and it tells him that he still has a hold on you. for your sake, he needs to start thinking that you are moving on with your life.
It sounds as if you have great fun with your boys, times will be hard, but oh so much more rewarding without having to deal with emotional heartache too.
Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing today?
You're doing well Clara.
Loads of hugs.
Yes, well done clara, it is hard for you. Very unfair of him to pass the buck and tell your son to ask you when he was next coming over. I hope that you are able to keep honest with yourself and also with your boys.
Perhaps you could say you think it would be nice for them to see daddy at ?? rugby? the park? etc, as it is more fun outside. What do you think? Children know when things aren't right, I suppose depending on your relationship with your boys you could tell them that you don't really want him at home, because it unsettles your family life? Would one of these suggestions work??
Hi Clara
Don't apologise for the ranting and moaning, that's what we all do from time to time. Blimey, I've done more than my share this week!!!!!!
I know it is extremely hard, but try not to reply to his texts. Just text when it has something to do with the children. I know its difficult not to retaliate, but hopefully he'll get fed up with texting. You are still very angry over everything, and it is all getting to you right now.
Enjoy your weekend with the boys. I hope they get all the fish for the new tank.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Clara
This week for me can't end quick enough!!!! Sounds like you have lots to keep you occupied this weekend. Have fun!
Alison
x :)
Enjoy the fish - I always think they're so relaxing...
Hi Clara
The poor little thing. He has been through so much, so it's no wonder that he is angry. Unfortunately, we lash out on the people we love, and that is you. The Doctor will certainly help you with him. That must be so upsetting to hear him talk like that about his nan and dying. Bless him. All I can say, is that you've got to keep talking to him, and explain things simply to him. His dad coming and going is definately not helping him though. That is totally confusing for him. Children need stability. These changes are very difficult for him to understand, one minute dad is back, then he's gone again. Seeing him all the time when they go to the park, and dad is in the pub, and then still not being able to see him must be heartbreaking for them all. Is there another park you can go too, so you can avoid this situation? I guess until you get to speak to the GP, all you can do is give him lots of cuddles, tell him how much you and his dad love him, reassure him that whatever is going on between you and your ex is absolutely nothing to do with any of the children, and I guess, just keep listening to him. Not much help here Clara,
I hope you have a good day today. Is it rugby?
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Clara
A lot has gone on in their young lives. My daughter stopped talking when my mum died, even though she was very young at the time.
The chances are that your son is too young to be able to express what is wrong. Also, there's a chance that if he did say, that he'd feel he was being disloyal and have the worry of upsetting you. I often have 'I don't know' from my youngest.
You are their rock. You are the consistent thing, along with school in their life. All you can do is be there and keep reassuring them. How ever much it grates, you need to reassure them that daddy loves them very much and will see them when he feels able to. With my lot I did tell them that daddy had chosen a new life, that he was happy and we needed to be happy for him. I told them daddy was very busy in his new life, but he would always love them.
It's a load of rubbish I know, as The Git doesn't pay child maintenance so he can go on holiday :roll: But I can't tell them that. That's something I just have to rant about on here and inside my head!
I hope they're enjoying the fish!
We have yet another lovely day here. I love Indian summers!
Most importantly, give them loads and loads of love and hugs, lots of reassurance and tell them its ok to be sad and angry at times and you understand why they feel like that. And then stuff as much laughter into the day as you can.
Loads of hugs Clara. Be strong for you and for your children.
Thanks for that, alisoncam and sparkling lime, I agree that giving your little boy stability and consistency will really really help. He needs to know his "rock" is there for him and the talk about dying is because the poor little poppet wants to run away (to nan, whom he thinks of as another rock).
it is so hard, clara. At a time when you are treading the rocky road to your own emotional recovery, you have to be this Superwoman for your kids. We are all here for you. Just keep reassuring him, as the others say.
take care
Hi clara, I have been reading through your posts, I am wondering how you are today.
When we split up with our partners there is such an emotional turmoil and we really need to separate the two things, access and contact with other parent and our broken heart. It seems that the two seem to be overlapping. I can see how hurt you are over this. Have you actually arranged proper contact that is set in stone?
You may well have said this earlier, but can it be arranged that he sees them on a Sunday and takes them to rugby and calls them perhaps mid week? Then this takes the pressure of you and means that you two don't need to have any other contact than collecting arrangements.
You don't need this aggro in your life. When you weren't texting him, it sounded as if you were able to move forward a bit with your life without all the hurt of what he has done to you continuing to resurface.
We can't control who the other parent involves in our childrens lives, as everyone else has said, WE have to be the consistent ones. If I were you I would try and refrain from all contact again, unless its to do with contact. If the children are ill, does he need to be told? What will he do to help? Or do you want him to know because you think it is his right??
Hi Clara
Hope you're feeling a little less tired today.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Clara
Great to hear that you're eating. Got to keep your strength up ok!!!! I'm not a very good sleeper either. I found cutting coffee or coke out helped, though of course it doesn't always mean that you sleep right through the night. My aunt swears by milky drinks like ovaltine, etc. I have tried all sorts, but doesn't work for me. Plus of course, if you have a lot on your mind, sleep doesn't come easily. You might be able to nod off, but then the brain starts working overtime, and you're wide awake again. My GP sometimes gives me sleeping tablets, (which I'm not too keen on). They don't put you into a deep sleep, (I always used to worry I wouldn't hear my son if he needed me). Anyhow, me waffling on will probably have made you sleepy, :lol: :lol:
Have a lovely day, hope things are settling down for you, and the children are doing ok.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi clara
Sorry I didn't get back to you. I am wondering if you would consider going back to Mediation to re-arrange contact times. Then you both know where you stand and so will the boys.
I know it is a lot to contend with, but I really feel, once this is sorted, then you can start to get on with your life.
I hope that you get a good nights sleep tonight, keep eating, perhaps try some exercise - might sound crazy, but I wonder if you did a whole heap of star jumps half an hour before bed, maybe that might tire you out. Although I imagine just having 3 boys is tiring enough.
Just take care of yourself, if you can't sleep, I hope that you have a good book to hand, or perhaps try writing, I find that that brings me peace of mind, if I have lots of stuff going round in my head.
Have a good weekend clara :)
HI clara
I am glad the weekend has gone Ok, I was wondering how you were getting on :) Bet you are soooooo proud of your boys!
Hi clara
So glad you had a great weekend. Brilliant that your eldest got a trophy. Well done to him. I've had a pj weekend with my son. It's been so relaxing. He's had to use the computer for his homework, only trouble is, he's taken it over. HELP. Have a good week, you sound so much more relaxed, good for you. :)
Take care
Alison
x :)
i had to text him testerday as the boys wanted to know if he was coming down his reply was i might , he came down but the boys were a bed asleep , asked him if he would talk to me he just walked out but he would not look behind , i followed him and asked him to talk but he just walked away putting his hand up asked if gone back he said no . he text that i should not shout at him in the street as i make my self look stupid i said that i am already that as i took you back and then you left again he knows that it annoys me if he does not talk .i also said that he is not the one who has not eaten or slept properly since wed . he has not asked about the boys and if they are ok . he did text today about the boys swimming trunks and said i thanks he wanted one of the boys to come up the pub to collect them i said leave them at his mums and i will collect as i did not reply earlier he put them in the bin .
i dont expect that he will see the boys this week as he will not want to see me i will take them rugby training tomorrow and then take them out on sat and will wait and see if he wants to see them , they dont talk about him and if he carrys on the youngest wont want anything to do with him .
thankyou all for the comments and advise
i have just finished a session of councelling and have to decide if i want to carry on with a different person or look else where but it depends on the cost and the dates . i have found it good to have someone to talk to who does not judge and i know what i said goes no further and i can trust them