This is a bit of a rant really... I do like to rant :D
Ex sent a text on Thursday to see the children 6pm - 8pm yesterday (Friday). He'll text the day before he feels he can give the children some time 8-) . Youngest is now 10, and knows full-well that if there's no school the next day that Dad usually sees them until 9pm. I said that I'm sure that Dad has made a mistake and you can remind him when you see him...
Had text from The Git just after 7pm to say he'd forgotten it was Friday and that he was ok to have the children until 9pm!!
Personally I reckon he had other plans, but child-pressure made him drop them. :lol:
During the two weeks Easter holidays, a couple of friends have seen him and his wife out and about in town (he lives less than two miles away - the 'other' side of our town), and from what his father said to me yesterday, seems he may have had some time off work.
The three hours yesterday evening is all he has seen the children for during the two weeks (he'll specify a time, never feeds them). My eldest refused to go.
Christmas he only saw them for two hours on Christmas morning.
Last year he averaged 5 hours a month. Seems this year the average is down to 3 hours per month.
My youngest is the only one who does ask when he'll see them, and I'm afraid I can be a bit blunt with my replies saying that he will need to ask Dad that...
Watching my daughter in the garden with our lovely rescue rabbit in the sunshine.
Why is it that this contact thing rattles me? My children are so lovely, and I really am so lucky. If they were horrid I could almost understand the 'not wanting to see them' bit!
I think the youngest was hoping for an Easter egg!!
They didn't get one.
:shock: 8-)
:x He didn't even get them an Easter Egg??? :roll:
It is hard to stomach that their 'other' parent doesn't dote on the children as much as we do, and quite un-understandable :?:
Back to brighter things, you have a rescue rabbit awww how cute! does he/she have a name yet?
The rabbit is called Zach and he's adorable! He loves a cuddle. Our garden is small enough for him to run around. The children just make sure he doesn't go towards the wall and the freedom of the field!
The cat and one of the shitzu's ignores him, but the other shitzu likes to walk around after him. The cat and him have sniffed!! We have two guinea pigs as well ( my son with special needs 'owns' those - rescue ones again), do they've had a good sniffing session with Zach too! Probably can't work out why they can't have a run around the garden. :lol: We'd never find them though. I keep telling my son that, and just hope he doesn't decide to see if I'm right or not. Would probably be ok if they did get out...
As for Easter eggs, no, they didn't have one. I think as they youngest and my daughter didn't get a birthday card or present this year that they just might realise how it is now.
We had a bbq this evening as the weather has been so lovely. My eldest told me it's the best day we've had here for ages, as he loves a bbq! I told him to blame the weather - didn't have one at all last year.
Can't stand the smell, myself! Got my neighbour in to join us (she's a pensioner), so it was a good evening. So handy having an iceland in town now, can get a few offers that made this evening possible.
So you have a cat, two dogs, two guinea pigs and a rabbit? Wow, I take my hat off to you; I can only manage to care for a goldfish! :lol:
Haha!
My daughter has a gerbil too!! Cat likes sitting on the bed watching it.
The children are very good in taking care of them. Saturday morning we're all out (well, not the eldest) clearing, sweeping and cuddling!
I'm so sorry he's doing this francesca.
Are you able to move funds to stop him spending the money? The Solicitor might be able to freeze the accounts to stop him spending anymore. It isn't his money! They're joint funds, family funds.
My ex had never really shouted before, but while waiting for the house to sell, he would follow me around the house yelling at me telling me how useless I was and how I was unfit to be a mother. On and on for what seemed like half the night one time, and I was terrified he would wake the children. It was awful. Apparantly they say these things to prove to themselves that they're not guilty.
Ex did see them on the last Friday of the Easter holidays for three hours. He saw them for 2 hours on Christmas morning - that was it for the Christmas holidays. He's not chosen to have them over to his place since, even though we seem to keep coming across him!! It might be 5 years, but it sort of doesn't leave you.
Glad you're feeling stronger today. He's talking a load of rubbish (aren't I polite!), and I'm glad you realise it.
How are you doing?
Hi Francesca, good to hear from you, was wondering how you were doing ;) he can't get hold of any money that is in your name. Adn as you have day to day care of the children it is not likely a family court judge is going to make you hand it all over to him. Thinking about money, it iw worth getting your affairs in oirder before the money goes to court so that it is as straightforward as possible. When I got divorced, I anticipated this and I closed a small Post Office account that had about £6 in it and I moved some other money to a secret account to keep me and the kids and then we sold our joint car and I drew up an agreement about the division of the proceeds, which we both signed. It made the financial settlement much easier.
Sparkling lime is right, in his eyes, you have to be a b**** so that he can justify to himself what he has done. Easy for me to say "rise above it", very difficult to do, when he is standing over you, yelling. Although it is sad for the kids that he doesn't see them much, on the other hand, at least their exposure to this shouting is limited. :(
Louise :)
Hi multey65
That sounds tough, does that mean she could stop you from moving back to Scotland? If you can present a strong enough case for needing to be around your family, surely the Court will see sense :?
I hope you keep a record of all contact, so if and when it does go to Court you will be able to show the irregularity of her contact.
Hello Clara
I agree that the new girlfriend's feelings are not relevant here and my personal view is that she should not be introduced too early to your boys' lives. However this is not always practical and the fact remains that in the end it is something you will have to accept and if he were to take legal action, unless she is violent or a drug abuser then it is unlikely you could stop her in the longer term, if this new relationship does last. So for your boys' sake, no matter what your own feelings, it might be better that they didn,t think of her as an ogre from the word go.
Harsh words, sorry, but just speaking from experience :)
My children were introduced to three fiances. He did marry the third - third time lucky, said my daughter. :D
Like Louise says, unless there is a threat to your children, there is very little you can do about it.
While the children are in the care of which ever parent, that parent, so long as the children are not put into danger, can do whatever they like.
My ex has had a lot of control over my life, but cancelling contact time with very little notice. I couldn't stop that either.
Should the non-resident parent choose to go through Courts to have a contact order, then you would be required to make the children 'available' for that period of time. Should the non-resident parent not turn up for this contact, then you can't do a thing about it. Should you not make the children available you can be taken back to Court...
It isn't easy, any of this. Children have to come first. Amicable is always the best option.
I appreciate how raw this is. You need to be positive with the children though so they don't feel torn. My lot still love their father. I call him The Git ( they don't know this). More than anything I would love them to dislike him and not want to go. But I know that's not right for them, and I have always 'made' them go, however much it tore me up inside.
Sorry. I know this isn't what yo need to read right now.
Thing is, it's not nice some of the advice that we say.
And I know it's not nice.
The last thing I want to do is upset you.
That's why I'd get rid of the tele before the internet - this is my social life.
It is hard. No one can prepare for this.
Hi clara
You have been through so much, I do feel for you. The coming and going is the very worst, especially as every time he comes back you want to believe it will work out. it is also horrid having to accept the things about the boys and the new partner, as sparkling lime and I have said to you.
Hope you have a decent day today and there is usually some company here on One Space if you feel fed up in the evenings :)
Hi Clara
It seems for all of us that evenings are the hardest time of being a single parent as the loneliness settles in. I do hope you can find friendship on the One Space board.
It is really hard being the one who has to control contact as we are always considering the needs of others and what we want rarely comes into focus.
I think the others have said everything I would say too, from personal experience though, if he is not fair on his children, he will dig his own grave with them in the future and there is nothing we can do to protect them from that.
It is easy for anybody else to say, but protect yourself, try and keep as impersonal as you can. Don't try and help him, just think practically.
What did you buy this morning when you went out??? anything nice?
Oh and Clara....do have a look at the Evening Chat section we ahve just started, it is at the bottom of the topics on the main group board and is the place to go for some friendly chat
Hi Clara
I think quite a few of the One Space members have exoerienced fluctuating weight and eating habits, especially during stressful times. If you can't eat much then just try to make the little you can manage reasonably healthy. Your appetite will come back when this awful time is over. If you feel you are eating a load of sickly foods to "compensate" then you will make yourself feel worse (it is sort of "punishing" yourself, if that makes sense......if someone makes us feel dreadful then sometimes we can subconsciously think they might be right and want to "prove" it to ourselves....oh ho hum, that's all very deep psychology for a Wednesday evening :shock: )
Remember this is all part of the horrid process you are going through and when I say be kind to yourself, I mean keep believing that you are a wonderful person and can get through this with our help
Lots of good wishes
I'm glad you have the weekend to look forward to.
If you don't feel able to eat, would you be able to face something like Complan? My friend has difficulty keeping weight on, and at the moment is not well and can't face food. I bought her some Complan and a Boots equivelant (which she said was horrid!) and she is enjoying the Complan.
Just a thought.
I lost three stone when I left my ex. For me though it was a help - sadly, it did go back on.
Sending a load of hugs and strength your way.
Hi Clara
Would you consider contacting Womens Aid? They deliver a programme called Pattern Changing, it is an excellent course about learning about self esteem and confidence and the power to change.
I feel that although your ex has not been violent, he has been abusive and you could do with some extra support.
What do you think about it?
Legoland is brilliant. I took my lot there in the first summer we were on our own. It was worth the money.
Hope you have a great time, and so glad your mum and dad going to.
Glad you've had a good day today.
I went to Legoland when it first opened. It was brilliant and I understand it is even better now.
Glad you had a good day, clara it is important to have treats but also to know, as you said in your post, that you can do this on your own :D
Hey Clara, it is such a fab feeling when you have a good day out, where not only the children enjoy themselves, but us as well, I always find it a sense of achievement! Although I think that other mums/dads can do it easily, I think we all probably have to get used to it at first.
Legoland!! Have fun, I have always wanted to go, but heard the queues are horrendous, can you get a quick pass there??
Hi Clara
Glad the trip went well and the boys enjoyed Legoland, despite the queues!
All these texts being sent to you by their dad re not seeing them, or finishing withe the girlfriend, they are all designed to mess with your head. I am glad you are aware of this and can stay strong....it's very, very hard, though, especially if that was the pattern of his behaviour for long enough when you were together. Stay focused, Clara, you are doing soooooooo well and we are all here for you :D
Hi Clara
Have you thought of getting seperate phone/sim card for you? Keep the old number/phone just for your ex, and check the phone when you feel strong enough.
I have a separate phone, although I know he'll know as the children would have told him that 'mum has a new phone'. :roll:
Have to say, I'd love to go back to Legoland one day...
Hello sparkling lime, you rant away :) , that's what we're here for ;)
I expect the reason you feel so rattled is indignation on their behalf. You know full well how lovely the children are; how come he can't see it? and how come he isn't desperate to share more of their lives? Some lone parents (and I am one of these!) can feel guilty that they have chosen such a poor "other parent" for their children. Indeed I have apologised to my boys for doing so :oops:
You say that the only one who is bothered is your youngest. I guess in time even he will be less bothered. What great times and experiences their dad is missing out on! You could almost feel sorry for him.....almost (he he). In the end YOU will be the one who is most bothered (and that's good, we always want to take our children's hurt away) and there are no easy answers except to congratulate yourself that you have managed to provide at least one involved parent for your child; you! :D
Take care
Louise