Hi Clara
Sorry you had such a bad day, conversations in text can really escalate and get hurtful, can't they? Can you bear to not reply AT ALL? That would be a very powerful thing to do.
To be really practical, sparkling is right, as a single parent it is hard to have much of a life away from the kids in many cases. How do you receive your child maintenance? If not through the CSA then think about involving them (I know some people, including our own sparkling lime have not always had the best service from them but worth a try. See http://www.cmoptions.org/)
Take care, stay strong :)
Hi Clara
Yes, I know exactly what you mean.....when we split from a loved partner, we want to tell someone about it and talk it through and the person we normally would have turned to for help is....that loved partner. It is a catch 22 situation. However (and I guess you knew there was going to be a "however".... ;) ) you can just end up hurting yourself and prolonging the agony. Do take care of yourself.
I am sure you are right and the new term will be a fresh start for you and the boys. Hang on in there......
And also by saying that all the time, clara, he keeps you just where he wants you i.e. not knowing what he is about to do next.
Hope you have a better weekend and some bright sunshine to cheer you and the boys :)
Loads of hugs Clara.
You'll get there.
As Louise says, I hope you have some sunshine too.
Hi Cara
I hope you are feeling a bit better today. Really feel for you. I don't have feelings at all for my son's father, but in the past, the texts did flow. As you say, they don't like hearing the truth. I hope you keep strong.
Take care
Alison
x
Hi Clara
You are really hurting right now, that much is clear. I realise it is hard but please try not to tell your children that if 'daddy' goes back to her then they can't see him. My sister was in your position, and she did exactly the same thing. The children were so confused. One week they were allowed to see him and the next they weren't. They are older now, and they do resent her for it.
It is hard Clara, but the kids don't understand really. I curse my son's father, and I admit I have said some horrible things about him (only the truth). I do know how hard it is not to express your anger in front of the kids.
I hope I haven't been too hard on this.
Take care
Alison
x
Hi clara
I think we all understand how you feel and many of us have been through something similar. I agree with alisoncam that the kids don't really understand and so it is good if you can keep them out of the loop when you have negative feelings. Having said that I do think it helps to express those feelings SOMEWHERE so you need to think about a trusted friend, family member, this board or even a counsellor so you can express it all, otherwise it bubbles inside.
One of my sons is very similar to his father in a number of ways. The worst thing I ever said to him, when I was cross at something he had done, was "huh, you're just like your father!" In one sense it was the biggest insult I could have thrown at him. I felt terrible afterwards and have never said it again. The fact is, our children are 50% biologically composed of that other parent and so sometimes we have to bite our tongues. :oops: Isn't is HARD though??????????
Hi Louise
I too have said that to my son, and then said sorry a million times over!!! My son (6), going on 26, then snapped back and announced he is nothing like 'the man in spain, (his words for him). My child says that when he has children of his own, even if he doesn't live with them, he will call them all the time, and visit every weekend.
It is very hard not to bad mouth their absent parent, and lots of times I do have to bite my tongue. I truely got upset when I had scrimped and saved for birthday presents and party last year, and the sperm doner sent a CARD, (because I had reminded the jerk in the 1st place) and my son said 'that was nice of him wasn't it mummy. I immediately said, yes, but added " he could have sent a little something for a gift". I do believe children shouldn't be lied too, but at the same time, we have to do our best to protect them..
Enjoy your Sunday
Take care
Alison
x
Hello alisoncam
You're right it is so hard not to bad-mouth the other parent, and I don't suppose there is a separated parent anywhere who hasn't done it at one time or another, but as long as we learn by it, that's all we can do. Also the thing springs to mind that it needs six positive statements to erase a negative one so lots of nice positive compliments help. One thing that school did with my youngest (and I pinched the idea) is to get a big piece of paper and put his name in a circle in the middle of it. Then they drew lines coming out of the circle (is this called a spider-graph?) and at the end of each line they wrote nice things about my son such as "a good friend" or "shares his toys". He loved it! :D
Hi Clara
Glad you had a good day yesterday, I expect their nan was very glad to see them. Sometimes in family separation the children can lose contact with all the "other" side of the family and that is a great shame as it is part of their identity and heritage. Sparkling lime will tell you about the support she has had from her ex-in laws as well.
That's fantastic you have a close friend to help. You're right, it is VERY hard work bringing up the boys on your own and also emotionally hard for you, Clara, as you go through all this stress.
Take care
Hi mousie
But when I curl up in bed at night I look at my little girl and think whoever you are with she cant be better than this, and it is his loss that is the greatest. We will survive honey and maybe one day we will look back and be thankful they left cos we deserve better x
I really like that, it is so true :D Hope your week will get better, we are here to support you through this time
Hello clara
Your boys are hitting each other? Maybe everyone will have some good tips to bring in here? I guess one thing you could do is to have a think about how "serious" the hitting is and whether either is likely to get hurt. There is one school of thought that says ignore bad behaviour but wait till there is just one tiny smidgen of good bahviour and go overboard praising that. I sort of agree with that but I also acknowledge that there is only so much you can ignore! So you might decide you need to "tackle" it. if you do this, I would suggest you don't raise your voice or get cross but speak to them both firmly and say that hitting is nor acceptable behaviour and you can then tell them what the consequences are e.g.so many minutes on the naughty step, or you could say if you get through the whole day without fighting you can win a sticker on your star chart (have to rush out and buy the wherewithal for this tomorrow!)
Anyone else got things that have worked for them?
My youngest (10) and the 13 year old will even roll around the floor fighting. I usually end up with them in seperate rooms. They get on well otherwise though. My 13 year old's voice has broken, and him yelling sounds a hundred times worse than the 10 year old yelling.
My daughter - who's 15!!!! will poke and annoy the 13 year old (he has special needs, so they do know he'll react). She does get a right telling off from me.
They've taken to tripping each other up as well.
I think a lot is to do with being stuck inside. It could well be that they do the same outside, just I don't notice then...
Sorry I've no suggestions here. Just be consistent in what ever method you try.
Hi Clara
I hope you are having a better day today, (even though you didn't sleep well last night). My son always sleeps with me, (I love it I have to say), then again, I haven't got 3 of them!!!!
As each day passes, I am sure you will get stronger and stronger.
Take care
Alison
x
Hi Clara
Hope you have had a good couple of days despite everything. Guess you're busy putting your energy into going back to work and the kids going back to school.
Wishing your well
Take care
Alison
x
Hi Clara
I think you are right about your sons seeing their dad on their own. They need father and son time together after what they have been through. It will do them good to have a day out tomorrow with him. I'm sure he will cope just fine! It won't seem like it right now, but one day you will wake up, and the hurt won't be as painful, and you'll become even more stronger. Takes time though.
Alison
x :)
Hi Clara
How are you doing? Did your youngest go to nursery ok today? I hope the older ones are having fun with their dad.How did your first day back at work go? Sorry, all these questions, haha.
Stay strong.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hope its going ok too.
Hi clara
For some reason I managed to completely miss this post. How are you enjoying your free time?
You have been having a right time of it. I think everyone has given some great information and support, I wanted to say that I think it is great that you have had the opportunity to speak your mind and be completely honest with your ex. The important thing to remember now is how he responds to it. You have a right to be listened to and you should not need to repeat yourself time and time again over the months, this means you have not been listened to it is just trickery. I am really happy to hear that he had your boys on their own, it is so important for them .... and him!
If you feel lonely or need to talk about something, please come on here and start another thread and just let it out, as it will not help the progression of your separation if you always turn to him, I know it is hard, but he needs to learn that he is not your everything and he can't keep playing you. Some people have found when they are feeling especially low they have rung the Samaritans, I have done a couple of times, not really knowing why, but basically because I needed to talk to someone. They were very good and much better to speak to than calling up my mum in the middle of the night, or calling my ex, who would have taken it as an invitation to come back and stomp all over my life again!
What is your job??
I'm so glad you went out for a meal. That must have been so nice.
Hope you catch up on some sleep. I'm exhausted and they've only been at school for three days!
she is going away for 4 months to south america i feel jealous but hopes that she has a good time
When my daughter was smaller I had 2 friends that travelled a lot (they still are my friends!!), I used to be green with envy and think that life was SOO unfair that i was left holding the baby etc. But they used to always send me postcards and I loved to receive them. I even put a bamboo roller blind in my kitchen and inserted the cards all over the there, it was fab. I think it was good for them too, especially when they were at a bit of a loss, or feeling homesick, they could get it down on paper. It also looked like I had a very worldly social circle!!!
I know we are in the days of Facebook now, and friends of mine who are travelling now, tend to send all their news via that. But ask your mate to send postcards and then she can see them when she gets back.
Another little point I want to add is that, my daughter is now 14 and soon I will be the one off travelling, yeehah! While they will be stuck at home doing the school run, ahhhh!
I hope you have a good weekend, any plans? :)
Hi clara, enjoy the outdoorsy, testosterone morning tomorrow! I hope the weather is reasonable, although it is always normal for rugby players to end up completely covered in mud. I think thats why they enjoy it soo much!!
Glad you day went well today with visit to the park with daddy.
I hope tomorrow afternoon is relaxing. Good Luck at work and getting in to the swing of things and enjoy your chocolate tonight. I didn't know X Factor is back on, let me know if there are any acts worth watching! :)
Busy busy busy! The joys of motherhood and parenting alone!
It sounds like a good day - I hope you are having a nice relaxing evening, a bit of peace and quiet - just for you. :)
I hope the boys get off to school ok and work goes well. :)
Hi Clara.
This is my take on things here..
You need to tell him to get out.. If he wants to be part of your life he must do so on your terms and no faffing about and lying.
Now I don't know the ins and outs of your life and relationship.. but! having just read the above post this bloke is walking all over you and you are letting him and I think you know that, so why are you letting him? There is no such thing as a successful compromise or something just for the benefit of your children as it's not going to benefit them. In fact I think the only person who is going to benefit is your bloke as he gets to do what he wants.
Sorry if I seam harsh but there you go I have seen things like this so many times since I became a single parent and got to hang about with lots of single mums. It just seams that there are blokes out there running about giving all us other blokes a bad name : ) and women who let them do it!!
Anyway, sorry again if what I say sounds harsh, but seriously tell him to get lost and then get on with your life, start planing your life around YOU and your kids, make some new friends in different circles, join some single parent type groups or just some groups, is there a community centre near you that does stuff? ...and if he is going to fit in to your life then he must do so on your grounds and not to the detriment of you and your children.
So there you go : )
good luck.
later
Bubblegum.
Hi clara
I have been away on holiday so have only just caught up with this thread.
How are things with the boys' dad now? I do agree with Bubblegum, it has to be on your terms or not at all. Apart from your own sanity (!) it is just so confusing for the boys to have daddy coming and going and will undermine their security. But you have to be strong and stick to a decision once you decide what to do. I think you know in your heart of hearts what to do, but only you can do it
Take care
Louise :)
Hi clara - how painful for you.
Until you shut that door forever this is going to go round and round in circles till long after the boys have left home. It is not for the girlfriend to end it, it is for you to find the strength to do what no-one else in this mess is prepared to let go and move on to pastures new.
You will always have your boys, so as bubblegum says, it is for him to abide by your rules as to when he comes and sees them and for how long.
There is such an amazing world out there and plenty of different friends to be made. You deserve much more than this, the situation can only change once you start believing this.
How are you today??
Sending loads of hugs and strength your way Clara.
Hi Clara
I know that all of this is confusing for you with your ex, but if it is like that for you, think how it must be for the boys. They simply don't understand, and if their father is coming back, then it is building their hopes up, and then they have their world destroyed again when he goes. It isn't fair on any of you, but they are only children.
I know how easy it is to keep taking the partner back, but you really do have to think of the kids. If you honestly think that you and he can get back together, then it should be done slowly, but not with him moving back in anytime soon. Start the 'dating' game again, and build the relationship back up.
I hope you are ok, and the children.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi clara
You still sound so confused, poor you, this situation is really messing with your head and, as I said before, it is very confusing for your boys. I notice you said "I will await to see what happens tomorrow" I wonder if this is part of the difficulty, that you are always having wait and see what he does next? For your own sanity and the boys' security, you need to take control of this situation, make a decision and move forward with your lives. Whilst he can threaten to cut your money and worry you then he has power. Better to live peacefully in a different (rented with the help of Housing Benefit?) house than surrender your control. Peace of mind is paramount, Clara.
Hi clara, have we talked about counselling?
Just thinking you could also have a look at the Couple Connection website http://thecoupleconnection.net/, or perhaps get in touch with Relate http://www.relate.org.uk/, I really think you would benefit from having time to talk to a professional about all of this.
How are you doing today??
It's early days Clara.
I'm five years down the road and no, I don't have a life. He's had three fiances - married mark III - he has weekends away, can go to the cinema and last year got married in the USA.
Avoids maintenance - I was working out the arrears earlier.
Me - today I actually feel exhausted. I'm running around with the children getting them to friends, my eldest to work, hair cuts, dentists... Costing me a bomb in fuel.
All clock watching.
Tomorrow - or rather today - eldest gets the results of the GCSEs he's resat.
All on my shoulders. No one to help, no one to share with.
There isn't a thing you can do that will make him be responsible towards the children...
No, it's not fair. Not in any way. And it's tiring. I know. All you can do is fit as much fun into each day with your children. In time you'll think of him less - just hard to see that at the mo.