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Good post, Hazeleyes 
Two things to add, really: only YOU can change things, cos they are not going to change, they are teenagers and therefore unable to see things from your point of view and secondly WELL DONE for standing up to your eldest and enforcing the boundary with your son; it's the only way.
Gosh yes I bet it was scary to get that phone call. It will be a while till you lose that "on full alert" feeling. Interesting re the job: a pros and cons list, maybe?
Thanx louise and sparkling nice to know people who you dont know care x
thanx anna 
Hi headfulloffog,sorry to hear you are not having a great time of it at the moment,and your more than welcome,i havent got to go back for another check till april,i second what hazel eyes said hope you have a better day today x
Hi Headfulloffog
It saddens me to read your post and to hear how unsupportive your teenagers are through this. Its great you are going jogging and that will help to give you space and release some tension.
The job i dont know, you said its something you would enjoy but financially not help. Its a tough one, and also the hours, i did a job working late and felt quite guilty as i didnt like leaving my girls in the evening.
I personally think you need to read my post to you and its hard but you need to distance yourself a little and put your energy into things that make you happy.
My daughter was funny with me yesterday as i said no to a halloween party. Her last party ended up with the police cominv round to kick them out as id gone to see my sister. She was disrespectful and i am not giving in. I told her when you get your own home you can have as many parties as you like. She ddcided to be hostile with me, let her get on with it, i have far more important issues.
Thats what you need to do, let them get on with it, seems to me theres resentment in you splitting up. I guess you have sat down and opened out to them what happened.
Try a different approach, agree say yes i didnt want to split up either, I love him very much but he cheated on me.
Stay strong, dont let them get to you, you care too much and they know this
couldnt get on here no matter how i tried last night
well, it's happened - i have been recalled for my smear test - it is borderline whatever that means but to me it onlt says one thing -Cancer - i'm sooo scared. im floundering again and am facing one of my weekends alone without the kids - perhaps its for the besr for them cos i am not sure how i would be able to not tell them over the weekend. i feel like i just want to curl up somewhere but at the same time i am so afraid of being alone and i so desperately want someone here to give me a hug.
Hey Headfulloffog. First thing, don't panic. Have a read of this here Of course you're worried, anyone would be, more so for you that has gone through cancer already. I think it is good that you haven't got the children for the weekend. You're going to be stressed enough without any issues with them. Ring your friends so you're not facing the next few days alone.
Sending you loads of hugs and positive thoughts. xxx
Some of the members on here know about my medical history. I was diagnosed with pre-cancerous cells over 10 years ago. It is something called VIN, which can develop into cancer of the vulva. Also HPV. I know people that have had either partial vulvectomy or full removal. When I was first diagnosed, (had a tumour), I was absolutely petrified understandably, but I am checked every 6 months, so to some extent I am reassured. I have numerous operations, and on every visit, I worry that another operation is needed. Last one was nearly 3 years ago.
I know this isn't the same as your diagnosis Headfulloffog, but I do understand to a certain extent of the worry that surrounds you. Thinking of you lots. xx
Have I missed something Ben?
I think there are a couple of posts - with debatable names - that might need, um, removing...
headfulloffog, loads and loads of virtual hugs. xxxx
Hi headfulloffog. Have you managed to organise something for the weekend, with friends perhaps, or having your friend stay at yours maybe.
i am going out with friends tonight - part of me doesnt want to go because i dont want to pretend all is well and i dont know how to deal with the how are you? questions without crying.
tomorrow i may be alone, will see my mom but dont want to tell her but sunday i am going to a friends.
thank you for sharing your experience hazel eyes, the link was very useful as i can see where borderline fits on the scale but i am still petrified as you say
Hi headfulloffog
Glad it helps to know of others' experiences.
"Borderline" is maybe they want to do the test again.
Please try not to worry so much. In 2003 I had a test that was NOT borderline, it was definitely pre cancerous, it was quite severe, and I had a minor op under local anaesthetic.....and it was solved. That is what smear tests are for: to pick up changes and to sort things out BEFORE they get bad. I have a test every year now and am still here eight years later. However, I know full well the stress and worry it can cause, you have had enough stress this year!!!!!!!!
I am so glad you are seeing your friends tonight, good to take your mind off things.
Hope you had good time last night headfulloffog. You're seeing your Mum today, so hope that goes ok for you. Enjoy tomorrow too
got through the weekend - did feel as if i had taken a step backwards again - (the fear of being alone, thinking about the kids all the time and feeling as if i was a hanger on to other peoples lives) but i got through it by keeping busy.
have been to the hospital this morning for my breast cancer nurse review - seemed strange being asked how i felt about the breast cancer now whilst i have the issue of the smear reacall hanging over me. i literlally went from the breast care nurse to talk to the lady in ther colposcopy unit to discuss when i will have that. initally she said 15th November! i just went to pieces and today she said that i can go tomorrrow to have the procedure done. im so scared about having it done and the outcome.
seems insignificant but my eldest continues to be vile - she is just not talking to me - it is so obvious when she is here that she talks to my son and other daughter, sometimes literally over me or through me. I have told her to find alternative living accommodation within a month - i don't think she believes me but i mean it. On saturday she came in (her boyfriend was with her) slamming and banging around the kitchen (that was the first encouner i had had with her all day - no civility at all) - i didnt know what was wrong so i asked her and was given the brush off. a few moments later, i asked if they were staying around for a while because i was trying to fix a set of bike lights on to my sons bike and wondered if her boyfriend could help me. He was fine about it but my daughter went beserk "dont ask him" anyway he went to do the lights and i followed to ask him to the garage to ask if he needed batteries for them at which my daughter just flippped and said "leave him alone, xxxxoff etc, and threw the bike light to the floor smashing it to bits. She also kicked the garage door denting it. i started to cry (not good i know) but she did and impersonation of me. i walked away. her boyfriend did not seem perturbed but did actilally say to her "that's too far" i did not reacte, i responded by saying i expect the light to be replaced by monday.
i went in to the house and thought about things. They went to her room. there and then i decided to tell her to go - i went to her room - to be told to xxx off and go out of her room - i said no, i want to talk to you and i said -i had no choice to live with you untuil you were 18 but now i do have a choice and i no longer wish to live with you. i would like you to find somewhere else to live within a month. her boyfriend had his hands over his ears. she did not say anything but has since come home on sunday night (without the bike light) and i asked for money to enable me to go and get it which she still didnt give to me. after id gone to bed and she had gone to bed i still had to ask for the money which she had left on the kitchen table but not told me.
i am so scared by everything that is going on in my life - what if the results are bad from the test tomorrow- i dont know how i an keeping going sometimes
Hey Headfulloffog!
Sending you big big big hugs.
I am so sorry you're having it so tough. But I am very proud of you (not that i'm entitled to, but I really am) for standing up to your daughter that way. Still, it must be a terribly sad situation.
I'll be thinking of you for all your test results, too.
And remember how far you've come and how fantastic you are! You are a lot tougher than you give yourself credit for!
xxx
Hi headfulloffog. Get the test out of the way tomorrow, and just for now, focus on that. Have you still not told your daughter about the recall? To be honest, even if you did, I cannot see the attitude changing can you? Stick to your guns, you are doing brilliantly, and really taking back the control by issuing ultimatums. Don't feel bad, you deserve respect, keep thinking along these lines.
The very best of luck for tomorrow. It is worrying for you, but stay strong. xxx
i havent told any of the kids about the recall cos i dont want them to stress about it.
Hi headfulloffog i know it proberbly dosent feel like it but you are a strong and brave woman, and my thoughts are with you i have had a colposcopy myself and i know how worrying and stressfull it is, mine resulted in me having to have a trachelectomy,i understand where your coming from not wanting to stress your kids out its hard enough for you let alone having to tell them aswell,good luck and i know its hard but try and keep your chin up and stay strong you can do it x
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.
xxxxx
I wonder if you put a notice in writing to your daugher giving her four weeks to leave. It just might help her get accommodation elsewhere.
Just to let you know im thinking of you , be stong and good luck xxx loads of hugs xx
Keeping everything crossed for you Headfulloffog. Do you have any one going with you for the appointment? A friend perhaps? Think along the lines of, the recall was going to be in November. Good luck. Take care. xx
Good luck for today, it's great that you got the appointment moved, so you can get it over and done with 
Goodluck for today xxxx
going soon, my aunty (more like a friend) taking me. thanks folks for being there xx
xxx
well another strange day- got to the hospital for the colcospocy only to be told by the consultant that he would rather do full internal examination with a camera and, a biopsy, all under general anaesthetic, and zap anything that needs zapping all at the same time, so ive got to go as a day patient for the op next friday 28th. then will have to wait 2 weeks for results. i feel drained n worried abut telling the kids. not said anything today as not right time, will tell them tomorrow
i cried when the nurse asked me to confirm that i would have someone to stay with me overnight on the day of the op. most of my friends have families. just reinforces/reminds me that i am alone all the time
Hi headulloffog. In a way, although you're probably not thinking along these lines, having the op done is a good thing, as like the consultant said, IF there is anything to be zapped, they can do so straightaway. Again, it's a worry for you, as all sorts will be milling around your head. As for someone staying with you. How about your Aunt who went with you yesterday, or the friend that stayed overnight a few weeks back? You normally have to have someone come and collect you too. Failing that, you could always explain that you don't have anyone, and they'd probably suggest staying in overnight. It really is just a precaution in case you react to the anaesthetic.
What are you doing today? Try and do something nice for you. xxx
Yes, it's great to have things done so quickly. They can usually see what is what and deal with it straightaway. Torture, though, to go yesterday and get another delay 
, poor you, makes you wonder how much one person should have to deal with! It is really hard to think about telling the kids but if you are to have an op then you will have to.....there is no easy answer there, but I was wondering if you could have someone there with you when you tell them?
As for overnight care, even friends with families would be able to stay with you if there is another adult in their house, surely?
We are all here to support you
thinking of you. xxx
feeling ok today - been to the GP - routine appointment because im off sick and he is brilliant - such a calming influence - he cant change anything but he just said keep going and go through the process so that is what im doing - he has confirmed that i need not worry about the need for a sick note (so that i dont loose my benefits whilst i am waiting for my new job to start) or the need to be declared fit for work (and have my sick note shortened) to take my new job - he will sign whatever is necessary to ensure that i am covered however i need to be. one less worry. I have accpeted my new job pending medical clearance (oops !!!! ), CRB and references so i will just have to see how that fits in with the op/results - i guess if it meant to be, it will happen and if not well, it wasnt meant to happen.
thanks everyone - i will just keep swimming
ive just told the kidS that i have to have the investigation thing - oh my god why does everything go wrong?? - i waited until i had all three together which is vvv. rare and i told them quite simply i have had a smear result back that they want to investigate furhter. they asked if they were looking for cancer and i just said they wanted to rule out abnormalities - i don't know what else i could have said. anyway my middle daughter walked away and i know she is upset but wont come near me - my eldest is literally slamming around the house and criticising me for telling them whilst her boyfriend was here (she has been with him 3 years and i could wait forever for her and both others to be in the house) and screaming at me for keeping them in the dark. my son is next to me.
ive told them exactly as ive told you and ive told them well before there was any chance of them finding out from anyone else. have i got it so wrong?? i just want a hug and to be able to hug them.
Oh headfulloffog. I doubt if any time would have been a good time in all honesty. The eldest daughter, I'm not sure what to say, ignore her behaviour, or tell her to leave the house until she is calmer maybe. She has so much anger inside, and is directing it all at you, which you don't need, and shouldn't have to put up with. You are coping with more than enough as it is. The other two. Hug your son, try and reassure him as best you can. Your middle daughter. Perhaps once she's taken the news in, she might approach you tonight. If not, could you go to her bedroom when she goes to bed, and ask her if she wants to talk about it, or perhaps ask her for a much deserved hug. She probably wants one off her Mum too. This news is all a shock to them, so let it sink in for them also.
You're not doing anything wrong. You've been open and honest with them, but like I said, it's all a shock to them too. Take care xxxx
Hi headfulloffog
I think you are doing so well and staying so strong. I am so glad you told your eldest daughter to leave, you can do with out the added friction and aminosity she causes! Do show her you mean business and get it in writing.
I wish i could offer more support in person as i can imagine how frightening and scary it can be with all the worry too. You will get through this and am sure your family will come round. May be when your eldest leaves your relationship will improve with them and they will help support you more.
Good luck with the new job, when do you start? Are you looking forward to the role, as you said it was something you wanted to do.
Lots of hugs and hoping you find the strength to get tbrough this difficult time. Xxx
Hi headfullofffog
You did really well and , as Hazeleyes said, there is never a good time or a really good way to say it. Try to carry on as normally as possible. Your family will be feeling frightened (I'm sure you are too) and there are weird ways of showing it, aren't there? Sadly, teens take it on as THEIR problem (so instead of poor mum, what can I do to help? their instinct is to think oh no, now I have this to cope with, why does this have to happen and-unfairly-they could be feeling anger towards you too)
You will get through this time, and once this is behind you and you start your new job it will be a fresh start for you and one where you are no longer the victim (which you HAVE been, with your ex and the illness) but can start to get CONTROL back over your own life, and that will feel fantastic. Let's just get you through the next few weeks, with the tests and the results and any treatment you need. With me, they removed the offending bit and my "results" were just to confirm that they had got a decent margin round it so hopefully that will be the case for you too.
Hi Headfulloffog,
I agree with the others: you did really well! I really wish I had that magic wand for you!
They do want someone to be with a patient after surgery for 24 hours because of the use of anaesthetics, that's standard procedure and even happens when it's not general anaesthetic, but just a certain kind of sedative. I do hope though, that whoever asked you that was understanding of your reaction!
My heart really goes out to you! xxx Big hugs xxx
Hi Headfulloffog,
I've missed your thread, but wanted to say how very brave and strong I think you are,( now I know you might not be thinking these things about yourself), but I really admire you so much...I also wish I lived near you as I would come over and support you in person....I think you did exactly the right thing in what you said, it's not your fault on how they react to things...and I am so sorry to hear that you are having so much trouble with your daughter...she's acting like a naughty little girl...she should be giving you much more support than she is...
Hi headfulloffog, I have had a colcoscopy and it sounds a lot worse than it is I think.
Although, I understand that after the last couple of years that you have had, this is really just another layer of difficulties that you really don't need right now.
I think that Louise explained your childrens emotions really well, that they only think of theirselves and how it affects them. They want you to be fit and healthy, well and strong and if you are not, somehow it ruins their life!! In a way you have to smile at the audacity of it!
I think that when you come through the other side of this and are feeling strong and back in control of your life, you are going to have to do some very frank talking with your eldest daughter if she is to continue living under your roof. You deserve respect and maybe the only way she will give it is if you kick her out and demand respect.
Anyway enough of that, the doctor sounds supportive and its a beautiful day, what do you have in store for today?
ive got myself through a difficult week by trying to keep distracted and busy. ive suucceeded very well and it only when i let my guard down that i feel sad and scared. i am going to hospital at 8am in the morning for the op and the way it has worked out, i am on my own tonight but i am doing ok. ive enjoyed a lovely few days with my son and he has gone to his dads today, both of the girls are away. im a bit worried about being alone over the weekend but i am sure i will not be totally left on my own. my friends are golden but i am not very good at approaching them or asking for help, i tend to wait for people to come to me so i risk not getting the support that i need when i need it.
Hi headfulloffog. Just want to say the very best of luck for tomorrow. You'll be absolutely fine. Have you anyone taking you? How about collecting you? I do hope you won't be on your own. Maybe, even if it's just the once, ask for someone to be there for you. Great to read that you and your son have had some lovely days together.
I shall be thinking of you. xx
Good luck, heafulloffog, we will all be thinking of you.
Recommend that you text a few people when you get out, suggesting that visits would be welcome
Hi headfulloffog good luck for today i will be thinking of you x
Good luck today headfulloffog. I have finally bought the book that Louise often talks about and as I read it I can think of a few of our members on these boards who would really benefit from reading it and you are one of them!
I think it is fabulous and highly recommend it, it is a quick and easy read, might be perfect for a weekend! - Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town.
It explains why your daughters are being how they are and also your son. To be honest I have only read a small bit, but already I have learnt so much!
I really do hope things go well today and that the staff can reassure you with things.
xxx
HOORAY! someone else loves the book I always bang on about, honestly it changed my life I do keep recommending it and I know a few people have ordered it but I don't know how many have read it and, of those, who has loved it!
How are you feeling, headfulloffog?
I've bought the book - but keep reading college stuff instead... 
I will.
hi everyone - im done anbd dusted - slept really well last night - the effects of the anaesthetic still there i think- not complaining. i feel ok and am not too battered. they did d and c colposcopy, hysteroscoy (think this may be d and c) and letzz (zapping) to remove a ployp that he found and took some cells for a biopsy. my younger daughter stayed overnight which was reassuring and i have got company tonight (not overnight but i will be ok) i am saddened by my eldests behaviour once again - she went away on wednesday night to the lakes and i had no message at all before i went in to hospital and nothing all day yesterday despite me having texted both her and her boyfriend to say i was ok in case they had no signal. i finally had a one line text this morning saying "glad to hear it went ok"
trying to stay positive pending results that will be in 2 weeks.
Glad it's all over for you headfulloffog. 2 weeks will seem like a time, but really it will whizz past. Try and keep as busy as you can. Glad your middle daughter was with you last night. Perhaps your eldest couldn't get a signal until today, and at least she did text you, so try not to feel too disheartened that it wasn't yesterday. Stay positive, you're doing great
I am glad you're not feeling too battered...
I'm lad you have heard from your eldest though. Is she blinded by love, I wonder? Not that that's an excuse in anyway...
I hope you have a peaceful day, and you're doing brilliantly.
Loads and loads of hugs.
You did well telling your daughter to leave. Perhaps the time has come for her to be told to find somewhere? While my eldest isn't anywhere near rude, I have asked him to seriously think about finding a room close to college. So much has been going on here.
I so agree with hazleyes hadfuloffog. Although possibly, as I do tend to blow up, I might have stamped on your son's phone. I have been known to render things unusable here
I too hope today is a better today.
xx