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not been on here for ages and was wondering if anyone had "shared experience" perhaps.
i am living alone with my 3 chilldren, two older teenage girls and a soon to be teenage boy.
to cut a long story short - my ex left 2 years ago -i worshipped him, horrid upsetting divorce, then i was diagnosed with cancer pretty much the day divorce came through, been through chemotherapy, got radiotherapy to follow.
i have cried so much in last two years didnt know it was possible.
kids in denial re cancer, ex not helped me at all during treatment, kids in a mess emotionally and typical teenagers with all yuk behaviour that comes with it. home is not a peaceful place and i feel very lonely at home with kids - they will not talk about cancer at all, they are of little practical support and i cant expect them to support me emotionally cos i want to support them.
no family support, lots of friends but fed up of being a burden to them. i'm not over the split and still grieving for my ex after all this time. I think i "needed" someone emotionally during my treatment and therefore wanted him back so badly - its not an option, cant even speak to him cos it hurts so much. he cant undersand why i cant move on and accept he has gone, kids seem to have accepted it and are v impatient with me to do so. not sure it is him i want any more but just "someone"
i feel so alone and just wondered if there was anyone else out there who could relate to me n the kids.
Hi headfulloffog
Sending loads of virtual hugs your way.
I'm so sorry you're facing this, I am. And more so that you're feeling so alone.
The way your children are behaving is natural. Just like Louise says, they can be, adn often are incredibly selfish. Three of my four are teenagers, and the help they give can be brilliant or absolutely send me to screaming point - I'm at screaming point at the moment. 
How are you? Will they at least make you a cup of tea and let you relax? My fifteen year old is the most helpful. He has mild autism/aspurgers and basically does what I ask him to - the other three will watch.
Take care, and hopefully we can give you some support. x
no - you may recall from my posts some time ago that i wasnt getting any help from them before the cancer landed and ive had very little help from them throughout chemo etc.
i have been "on my knees" at times and have stopped even hoping for so much as a cup of tea. don't honestly know how ive kept it all going but i have.
my youngest - the boy has been the most help of the three - the girls have been positively hostile towards me - even accusing me of being lazy for not working through chemo and, telling me they are only living with me cos i have cancer. (breast cancer) -there is none at all for my kids to talk to (no family apart from ex who has not been of any support whatsoever) and friends will not as they see it "overstep the line" to talk to my kids and explain what is going on/talk to them etc.
i ve explored every avenue re getting help for the kids but the bottom line is they are pretty much adults and unlike little kids who can be taken to support groups and/or to talk to professionals, unless mine choose to engage - which they will not, there is little anyone can do - i did try with a kind of support worker who came in to the house but the kids walked out!
the only way i can get through thjis in the abscence of the kids seeking/taking any help or there being anyone they are willing/able to talk to is to try to get myself as strong and supported as i can and take help/support wherever i can - which is why i posted on here to see if people could help me through, knowing there is very little i can do for teenagers s who wont engage (which is most likely normal)
.
Yes, I do remember that you were struggling with your teens before you were ill, I suppose we can't expect them suddenly to turn into saints now. I think maybe if you could "ask" a friend to talk to them, or your Breast Care Nurse then they might listen, however you can't make anyone do anything (more's the pity)
Have you seen this website? It has been a big help to people I know who are in the same situation as you, they have a great Helpline too and you can join in the forums, there will be many women there coping with teens, just like you, as well as younger children, or on their own. Your Breast Care nurse will also be aware of any local support for you.
I would also have a long, hard think about how you want your life to be after the treatment. If your daughters are over 16 then they are perfectly at liberty to live independently if they don't like your house rules and I must admit that my attitude to my boys has been that they are expected to contribute (financially if they work, and certainly chores-wise whether they work or not). Harsh but true. However, this is for later! at the moment you need to tackle your treatment and not this, but do give it some thought...one of the rotten things about cancer is it gives you a lot of time to think, so it may as well be about positive things rather than the next hurdle in treatment.
Do also access the counselling that will be available via your hospital. Macmillan have a lot of information about services, and Breast Cancer care (website above) offer some fab workshops and support.
When does your radiotherapy start?
Hi headfulloffog, welcome back, great to 'see' you. I am sorry it is under such difficult circumstances.
Louise has given some brilliant websites and sound information, it sounds as though you recognise that at this point you really need to focus on you.
Take up the counselling, join a support group, reach out to as many places as possible.
Do you manage to spend any family time together, where you can just relax and have a bit of fun together? Perhaps a dvd night or fav food night, just to take the pressure of and everyone can remember that they like just being together?
yes i am reaching out as you say Anna -i need to, and the advice the others have given is sound.
i have accessed the breast cancer care website and found it supportive
the hospital bcn referred me to cancer counsellor but she has said she will not make appoitments with me cos she wants to talk about cancer and feels i ned to sort the kids/family, feelings towards divorce issues out first - it has left me a bit adrift really because i thought counselling treated you as a "whole" person and i simply cant separate one set of baggage from the other. i did ask my gp if their were other counselling options and there are, if i pay!! the nhs service available to me is every 6 weeks or so which i dont think is regular enough for me.
macmillan - ive tried them to see if they would come in and talk to the kids and they cant do that
i had my radiotherapy planning appointment today and start 26th may for 20 days
i had horrid morning - my son who has broken leg point blank refused to get out of bed to go to school. it was 11am when i got hime there and that was only having phoned school and got hime to speak to a teacher. i feel utterly overwhelmed and alone some of the time with the kids -it just never stops - and this was the day i went to hospital again, travelling hour each way and coming home to cook the tea -its no wonder i am exhausted all the while. cried a lot again today on and off
it would be nice to think we could sit down and do something as "new" unit (without dad) but my two eldest (girls) both have long term boyfriends and and despite my asking and saying i would like to spend time with them either individually or us all as a group, it never happens - we dont even have meals together any more cos variously one or other of kids is going to their dads and/ or they are out. i try "too hard" according to my friends to please and to try to "pull us together/do things with the kids either individually or together" when the reality is the girls are "growing away" naturally.
what i havent said also is that dad takes the younger two alternate weekends (eldest is with boyfriend every weekend) and during the week he takes "one at a time" to spoil them - this causes mayhem with constant to-ings and fro-ings and yet he flat refuses to change things and have two or three at a time, on the basis that he should have separate time with the kids!!! i have virtually begged during my chemo for him to ease things for me and he has refused. i have tried to say that time alone with each child is engineered within the time that he has kids at weekends like it would be in any normal family but he says not.
sorry to waffle but i just dont know where this lot is going
Hi headfulloffog, It must be so hard for you at the moment, its hard enough being a single parent let alone one with breast cancer, I cant begin to imagine how it must feel, but I hope that knowing people here do care about you will hlep in some small way xxx
I have just been having a look at some groups etc and found this
http://www.breastcancersupport.co.uk/
Maybe you would like to have a look and see if there was anyone in your area, or if anyone knew of a befriending service, maybe that way you could gain some support from people who really do understand what you are going through and could possibly offer a shoulder to lean on for the times when it all gets a little too much.
Thinking of you xxx
Hi headfulloffog
It sounds as if you know that the solution with the children (should I say young people) lies in your own hands, in that you need to seize control, put your foot down and insist on house rules or moving out for those over 16...however, you cannot possibly do this while you are poorly and going through treatment.
Radiotherapy knocks you for six and it will be several months before you start feeling better, so while this is going on, it is a case of getting through one day at a time. Friends: people love to think they can help so can anyone take you to your radiotherapy appointments? if not would each friend make a casserole or pasta bake so you have a day off cooking (dish it up and the children can microwave it themselves if there is a railway station system for meals at the moment) or you could buy some ready meals as long as they are not too expensive. MacMillan is very good at giving some financial support as well, if you are finding this hard.
Counselling: will you do me a favour? please click on the My Profile at the very top of the page, then click the Edit tab and scroll down the page, and complete your address and postcode details (these are not available to other people to see, only One Space administrators like me) and I will have a look to see if there is something available to you locally. I agree that counselling should look at the whole person.....and it seems to me that when something big happens in your life, such as your illness, it brings up feelings about LOTS of different things in our lives, so do let me look for you
Try to use the next few days to prepare for the radiotherapy, think about the travel, think about the meal planning, whatever will get you though. We are here for you!
have edited my profile louise. have taken the first steps towards organising a rads rota too.
Well done; I will email you privately if I find any counselling to tell you about...
Hi again
I have found two options, one free and one low-cost. I have emailed the free one to check the age range they cover as some of their website looks as if it is for young people and other bits of the website imply they help everyone. Will email you when I hear back from them.
UPDATE: heard back from the free one and have sent you the details to your private email address
Hi headfulloffog, it sounds as though Louise is really on the case. I just wanted to pop in and say Hi and I'm thinking of you.
I am pleased to read that you are reaching out wherever available and I really hope that the counselling Louise found is a possibility for you.
Would it be possible to befriend the teacher that your son spoke to? Perhaps you could meet with them and see if they were prepared to have a word?
I don't know if it is really feasibly, but could you go on strike at home? No washing, cleaning or cooking. What would the children do? Part of me even wants to suggest that your ex takes all three children on whilst you are having radiotherapy, would that be at all possible? they would soon be clammering to come home, I'm sure!
thanks for couneslling info - will follow up
my ex not likely to take all three - he has been of little support through chemo - he prefers to take the kids separately (the easy option) and despite me virtually begging him for him to take two together one night in the week rather than one at a time he refused!!
Hi headfulloffog, oooh your ex is frustrating me, so god only knows how you feel.
Sorry if I am asking you to repeat yourself, but do you have parents around? Or do you get along with your in laws?
hi feeling pretty low still
no anna, my parents cant help - my dad is in a home and my mom is not any practical or emotional support because she is an old lady. my in lawas have dumped me like my ex.
i am an only child too
i have relied on friends but they arent family and they arent there all the while and i get very sad and lonlely.
sat here this morning - tired from radiotherapy which started this week and also very unhappy "being on my own", even though my kids are here!! - i still feel alone because they are of an age where they dont need/want me but i really need/want them and i know i cant put that on them. i dont feel i can do/plan things for me because even though they don't seem to want/need me, they would be cheesed off if i wasnt at home.
its saturday morning at start of a weeks hols and i feel like i cant contact my friends cos it is family time and they dont want a sad, lonely person like me tagging on to their family. i have mor affinity with lonely old people than i do with women my own age at the moment cos family life just continues for my mates and i dont think they realise how lonely i am at weekends both when the kids arent with me and also when they are with me but dont want/need me.
im soooo lonely
I think Bank Holiday weekends can be a really hard time, imagining everyone else having a great time (they usually aren't!) and I agree that people don't realise that these times can be lonely for us single parents.
The radiotherapy gets increasingly tiring and it goes on after the treatment ends for a while, take the chance to grab any naps you can this weekend. What you are going through with your teens is not dissimilar to anyone with teens, it is just that is harder for you with no family support and with your treatment 
I know exactly what you mean about them not needing you and yet being cheesed off it you are not there, my son is the same and is quite taken aback if I am going out anywhere (the shops is Ok as that is probably connected with his tea lol). Tough, is what I say, we need to do what suits US, they are not little anymore.
There is a fab book about teens here, please forgive me if I have mentioned it before, it has helped me through many an annoying and frustrating time!
So let's think about a support system for you, we are here all weekend for a start, we operate 365 days a year!! and there is the Breast Cancer Care helpline open till 2 today 0808 800 6000 and the wonderful Samaritans who have been there for me a number of times and are there 24 hours a day.
What about some things for yourself this weekend? A bit of pampering? Some time on the Internet choosing your Desert Island Discs? Pretend money is no object and plan your dream holiday? (and dream companion heh heh). Any lovely old movies you can watch? A walking challenge? (round the block might feel like a mini Marathon)Some comfort food? A book you enjoyed when you were little? .....and I know this sounds absolutely off the wall but I will risk you thinking I have lost the plot and say colouring in. You can get some really nice mandalas from the Internet here and make your own designs, I love it. Even if you dislike all of these possiblities, I hope it might inspire you to think of something that you would like more. We are all here for you.
you've hit the nail on the head on so many levels!! and thank you for being there
yes it is because i imagine everyone else in cosy famillies that it hurts so much i guess and i saw friends packing the car to go off on holiday yesterday too.
ive got the book "get out of my life" - better re read it
you provided me with lots to think about - i may get myself a colouring book or print one off - i like the idea of that - i will go n find pencils!!
i really hate being on my own alone and really struggle - it feels so silly cos in a family set up you spend years cravig time alone and know time alone is so painful to me - i really need to get over it but just dont seem to be able to and get really worked up when i am alone in the house particularly in a morning before i see anyone and i cant do friday and saturday nights alone (family time haunts me and as you say, this notion of everyone having fun in famillies) - then on the other hand i get worn out by seeking company all the while.
i wish i could relax and be content in my own shell but being ill and afraid a lot of the time doesnt help with that
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
Have you got a Macmillan nurse to support you? Sorry to add to the list, but I couldn't see if they'd been mentioned. A friend is dealing with cancer, and the support she has had from them has been amazing - and she does have fabulous family support too.
I think it is times like this when you do realise the situation you're in.
I hope this link will work as I've typed it in as I don't seem to be able to copy and paste stuff to the site...
www.macmillan.org.uk/HowWeCanHelp/Nurses/AboutMacmillanNurses.aspx
Perhaps the social services department at your local council can help with some things too.
I'm so sorry if all this has already been suggested, but I've not really had a chance to be here for a few days.
Sending loads of virtual hugs your way. I have a son who won't get out of bed too. Drives me nuts!
Hi again headfull of fog
For me, it is always the grass is greener. I spent so long wanting time along when the kids were little and then when my marriage split up I thought everyone was in cosy families, and then my social life got busy and sometimes NOT very cosy, at the time of the abusive boyfriend..and so it goes on. That is part of our makeup as humans, that we always wonder if there is something better 
Good luck with the colouring in (I have got a book of mandalas and have also done painting by numbers in the past haha) Do re-read that book, I am reading it again and it gives me so much reassurance.
Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing
Hi Headfulloffog. Only just seen your posts. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you lots of strength and hugs. xx
thank you for kind words - went out to see a friend - bought colouring book and pencils!!
Hi how are you feeling tonight xxx
better for seeing my friend thanks. but came home to both daughters and boyfriends in house and felt unwanted and outnumbered and lonley in room full of 18-20 yr olds
long since given up hope of them being civil to me or ??? asking how i am
but gone upstairs and left them to it. hate having no emotional support with kids and with chemo/rads treatment
Awwwh I am so sorry, teens are all the same arent they, not sure we were so selfish mind you, what do you think?
My girls are in tonight, upstairs mind you, and have to say that this week has been a good one, they have both got part time jobs starting this next week and up to now it seems to have had a really positive effect, wont last but its nice for a min
I am glad you had a nice time with you friend xxx
Hi headfulloffog. Please don't feel it is just your daughters. My sister was diagnosed with Bowel cancer nearly 2 years ago now. She has 3 grown up children, eldest is now 32. Two girls and a boy. I was horrified how they were with her. When she was in hospital having the operation, they were there every day. Once she was home, and needed so much help with the cleaning, laundry etc, they were nowhere to be seen. My other sister and I would go and help out. One of them even had the cheek to ask if she could babysit (two weeks after the op) 
I'm so sorry that you're not getting any emotional support. I realise it's not the same, but we're all here for you.
Hope it is a little reassuring hearing about other people, headfulloffog.
Well done on the colouring book heheh
It is an awful feeling, being "unwelcome" in your own house, they do tend to take over. My friend has a son in his twenties and she said she was lying on the sofa watching TV in her dressing gown and her son came in with friends and said to her "Time for you to go to bed, X", so that he could have the lounge for him and his friends!!!!!!!!
In the long term, you need to reclaim that territory, but just for now make your bedroom your sanctuary. Are there any changes you can make there? I wonder if you still have stuff lying around which helped you through chemo (I know you can need a lot of meds) Get rid of or hide anything unneccessary. Have a general declutter, even if that means just sticking stuff in a cupboard. What about a new poster on the wall or some brightly coloured cushions? Could you go shopping for those in the next couple of days?
I was in bed before 7pm last night. My bedroom may not quite be a sanctury, mainly as I have lazy children who won't sort their clothes, so I have a tower of clothes baskets with clean things in!
I'm going to make it my sactury though, and get a DVD player in there too...
You take care, and I hope today is a better day.
You have all my sympathies. The same as you was diagnosed with breast cancer last April and have been through surgery, 8 cycles of chemo, 20 x radiotherapy and am still having some on-going treatment, which is Herceptin and also will be taking Tamoxifen for 5-7 years. Like you I also have three teenagers (2 girls, now 19 and 16 and one son who is 14). Their father is not around at all, in fact he has just decided to emigrate (?!?!?) and was no help at all during my treatment, but luckily I have got some fantastic friends - and you certainly find out who your friends are when you have cancer.
All I can say is I know that is very hard but it sounds like your friends want to help, so let them do as much as they can. I got through the treatment as well as I could, but when the radiotherapy was finished it hit me like a bombshell and it was then that I went for some counselling, which I am still having, and thank goodness it's free. I'm not sure where you live, but if you are anywhere near Bristol I could point to you to some free services.
One other thing to remember is that cancer is really terrifying for children of any age, and your children may be finding it very hard to even think about it.
Keep going and look after yourself as best you can - you will get through it .
xxxx
Hi Aubergina. Thankyou for sharing your experiences, I'm sure you'll be a great help to Headfulloffog. Sorry to hear you're going through this too. It's fantastic that you had support of your friends, and also that councelling helped you too. Sending you lots of virtual hugs and strength. xx
Hi Aubergina, I hope you remain cancer free xxx
I have no idea how it must feel for anyone who is told they have cancer it must be devastating, I think it is really nice that you have posted to offer some support to headfulloffog xxx
My very best wishes.
x
Hi Aubergina
Welcome and I am sorry you have had such a rough ride: you are right about finding out who your friends are How are you feeling now with all the ongoing treatment? By the way, I found some local free counselling for heafulloffog and she will be contacting them.
aubergina - thank you for sharing your experience - you are about 5 or 6 months ahead of me - hope you are doing ok - i have got tmoxifan, not herceptin
how have your kids been , mine have been remote and uncaring- going through chemo. living alone with them was gruelling. ive tried to think its cos they are scared/are teenagers etc but it is tough to think that when you are so "needy"
hazel eyes- my friends too have been horrified by kids response and some of my friends have confessed that they have not offered me practical/physical support cos they have felt that the kids should be doing it. ive found this sad/upsetting cos ive needed help and sometimes not had help given
as you will see from my posts i have struggled to cope with time alone since my oh left , i really panic at times and often really dwell on the fear of spending time on my own particularly friday and saturday nights and sat and sunday mornings - anyone else find the same??? tips/strategies
i know weekends and bank hols worse cos of this myth of everone else enjoying happy family times but cancer diagnosis has really made it difficult for me to be alone cos my head takes me to negative places. ive got no kids around at the moment so it feels yuk on a wet windy bank hol being on my own.
the other myth i need shattering is the idea that everyone has loads of family support when a crisis hits - i imagine everyone to have lots of support from mom/sisters etc but i am only child with no relatives apart from elderely mom.
have looked around my room and yes there are things i could change and yes there is stuff ssociated with chemo that needs to go. i also know i will be better today once ive got out and seen people even if it is only to walk to the shop and get a paper so i will shake my feathers and get going. so afraid of being on my own yet cant contact friends cos they are with their families. no single female friends
Hi again. I also feel that others are enjoying the bank hols, weekends etc, with their partners/hubbys/wives, but like Louise has said, that isn't always the case. During the week, it doesn't seem as bad, but come weekends, I do feel down sometimes. My sister, said to me yesterday, 'You chose to have a child, it's no one's fault you're on your own, get on with it' Charming!!! I don't have any support. Although I came from a large family, 9 children, I only speak to 3 of them. One once a year at Xmas, and the other two, on the phone, although I do see one sister from time to time. I'm the first to go to anyone in a crisis, or should they need help, but I feel that no one is there for me.
Like your friends, I felt that my sisters children shoud be doing things for her, but they didn't, and I found that extremely sad. I would drop C off at school, then get two buses to go and clean her house. I did speak to her daughters, and they used to comment that 'she is fine' ???? At first I thought perhaps they didn't realise how serious it could be, they assumed that as she had had the operation, everything was ok. She had chemo, and still they weren't there helping. I'm not excusing your daughters, but like I said my nieces are in their 30's. They will turn up quite happily though when they need money, food or anything else. One of them is also single, and my sister takes her and her grandchildren away every year abroad, all paid for, and yet they treat her like this!!!
Make the most of today and enjoy the peace and quiet, though I do know what you mean when you say, it is yuk. We'll all be here today for you. xx
That was not a nice thing for your sister to say, hazeleyes. Yes, when we do not have partners we can feel that everyone leans on US. I remember when my dad was ill my mum said to me "I feel I can ask you, cos after all your sister has a husband to consider" (erm yes, I and I was bringing up two boys on my own!!)
Good luck with the boudoir overhaul, headfulloffog: just get through today and make the most of the rest before the next radiotherapy.
As far as the weekends and Bank Hols go, the best tip I can give you is not to THINK of them as weekends and Bank Hols! I was the very worst for this, used to sit at my window on Friday nights watching everyone else's partners arriving home for the weekend and usually quite tearful.....until I realised a. there is nothing special about Friday nights, I can do what I want on any night and b. the partners were arriving home expecting a meal to be cooked, their clothes to be ironed and then would abandon them for half the weekend in favour of the golf course or the footy and pub anyway! AS I said before, the grass is always greener.
How lovely of your sister h!
At least in that respect, I am left in peace by my brother and sister.
First of all, thank you for your kind words everyone.
Headfull, my children all reacted differently and I was quite surprised. The oldest, who has moved out and lives with her boyfriend, was really helpful in terms of doing things like shopping sometimes and coming round to do some cooking. The 16 year old, who is generally quite domesticated, was not much help if I'm honest, but she was very distressed by cancer diagnosis. My son who was only 13 then was pretty good in that he organised his summer so that he could do things with his friends that were not around the house too much, but he has since told me that he found last year very, very difficult. One thing I made sure of was that their school knew as much as possible so that they could offer support if needed to them. I am lucky in that I generally have quite an open relationship with my children, mostly it's good - having said that it's been like WW3 between them this weekend!!
The hardest thing has been that the treatment and after effects go on for so long (sorry to remind you) and I think the kids find it hard to think that I am still not 100% even though I am much, much better - it has been a lot of hard work to get myself better, physically and emotionally. I am very, very lucky where I live that there are a lot of resources nearby - ie a lady down the road teaches yoga in her house and I started that while I was having radiotherapy and there is a Buddhist centre round the corner where I go to meditation classes (only £1!), and a leisure centre up the road where I go to the gym. All those things help a lot.
Like you I don't have any family support - my mum died a long time ago, my dad can't/won't get involved in a practical way and my brother lives on the other side of the world. I have some single friends, but most of my friends are married. It can be quite shocking when some people you think are your friends do nothing when you need help, as I've found out too, but then other people might surprise you.
It can be hard to ask for help but you can't do it on your own, it's too much - your friends need to know that - they are your FRIENDS after all and if they are real friends they will help you in whatever way they can, and if they are married then they have support so they can offer some to you. Two of the best things I did were to get online shopping and a friend of a friend came round every week to do the cleaning, which I could just about afford to pay, and felt like a treat (sad but true)!!
My head took me to some very negative places too, and dragged up a lot of stuff I thought I had dealt with. Apart from the humungous shock of cancer and what the treatment does to you, I think as well the drugs themselves can affect your thinking and how you feel - it is such a massive onslaught on your body and your brain I wouldn't be surprised. Can't remember if you have finished or nearly finished chemo but as soon as you have, you will start to feel a bit better. In my experience, radiotherapy is a walk in the park compared to chemo.
Does your hospital/onc centre have a support centre - they may have some volunteers who could help with some practical things?
All the best for now xxx
hello there, well i got through the bank holiday and hope you were all ok too. i really wish i could be "secure in my shell" and cope with some time on my own instead of seeking company all the while - it is wearing me out being occupied all the while but the only time i am vaguely ok is when i have company. i should explain, when my youngest is away as he is, my older girls just "share the house" rather than be with me so i feel alone even when they are here. i got through yesterday with company from friends.
tiredmum - hope your girls jobs go well!!
hazeleyes - people can be so insensitive with their comments cant they
i'm not sure what is preventing me being relaxed in the house alone - and it is a house not a home to me any more - it is our marital home and i have been happy here in the past but now i'm not sure but i cant/dont want to move at the moment but all the purpose i ever had has gone - i no longer find pleasure in cooking in the kitchen as i did before because we no longer all eat together - it just doesnt work out that way - and i hate cooking for one!! i dont really watch much tv and find it difficult to sit in the living room (i used to sit in an evening with my ex) cos the kids just dominate tv/room and it isnt pleasant so i sit in my room - how sad is that!!
i did sort my bedroom out yesterday and that and has been for a while, is the only place i feel comfortable but i feel guilty sitting in my room - but i can be alone there unlike the rest of the house. its been 2 years since ex went but i think it is the cancer diagnosis that has set me way back and making it difficult for me to be alone with my thoughts
ive woken up feeling low again - i hate mornings -im ok once ive been out and seen people. i am not at work at the moment due to cancer and i think i miss the structure to the day /company that going to work gives you.
i have got a radiotherapy appointment later today. i finished chemo in april , i had 8 chemo sessions from nov 10 onwards. ive got a total of 20 radiotherpay sessions. i am starting to feel better from chemo and pleased to here you are too Aurbergina but as you say, my gp has told me it can take months to feel better post chemo - do you still ache all over?? are you back at work??, does it help? are you feeling better in yourself now?
had your eldest moved out before your diagnosis? - i ask that because my eldest would be far better i think if she moved out now but feels she cant because of my cancer but i feel she should live her life and do whatever suits and if she would be happier then she should go - she isnt happy at home and that has an effect on the atmosphere in the house
i think i need to pick myself up and find things to help me emotionally as well as physically as you say - may try yoga - i know i am entitled to massage etc via hospital so may try that after rads have finished. but i really need to sort myself out in terms of being alone in the house at weekends and once ive cracked that i think i will relax.
Louise - i did try telling myself repeatedly yesterday -"it is just like any other day" to get me through the bank holiday and it helped but i still couldnt stay in ther house alone!!!
Hi headfulloffog
Hope the appointment goes well today, you won't actually be in there very long, it is the trekking there and back which is a nuisance.
Well done on sorting out your room. I wouldn't feel guilty sitting in there!!!!! it is your sanctuary and if they have taken over the lounge anyway, you are entitled to a place of your own.
DId you ring that counselling place?
Hi again,
Not sure if you've started Tamoxifen yet, that can make you ache a bit, especially in legs and feet but it's not too bad. Did you have Docetaxol? that gave me real pains in my feet and legs, and caused some nerve damage - they had to lower the dose to prevent it becoming permanent, it has taken a few months for my feet to be better. In my experience I would say it has taken about 5-6 months to get back to feeling somewhere near "normal" again (some people might say I never was!!) - sorry to be telling you this, it has been quite a shock for me that its take so long but the good thing about that has been that I have been able to use the time quite well and I've even begun to enjoy it. I really found physical things helped with emotional - I felt like I was in a fight to get better,s o the stronger I got physically teh better i felt. But yes, I am feeling much better in myself but can't pretend it hasn't been hard work.
Not back at work yet - complicated situation as while I've been off we transferred to be employed by a different company, who seem to be pants at organising anything. I'm trying to get back as desperately need some £s coming in but having to chase everything myself - very frustrating. Being on your own is so hard, especially when you're feeling low. Don't want to be telling you what to do but is there anything you used to do that you might like to do again, like for example I used to do a lot of sewing and then never had the time, but now I am and it's been good to have something to stop me overloading my brain.
Daughter no 1 properly moved out during my treatment, but had kind of half been living with boyfriend before. We are very close in lots of ways, but much as I love her she is not the easiest person to live with, so it has meant that we get on much better now. Also, she has realised how much i used to do for her/them and comes round to point that out to the other two - result! I probably see more of her now than when she lived here plus she's not dependent financially on me so that is good because I'm surviving on benefits. I don't thing it is an understatement to say that cancer tips everything in your whole life upsidedown, it's so hard sometimes. But be kind to yourself, try and eat well it will help you recover and it canmake a difference to hwo you feel.
Gtg, am on a drip having herceptin at home and nurse needs to un plug me.
xxxx
Good to hear from you again, Aubergina, I know the Herceptin treatments go on for well over a year so a lot of patience is called for.
That is an excellent idea to rediscover a former hobby.
Have to say that since my eldest moved out, when he returns he gives youngest long lectires about how lucky he is to have meals made, laundry done etc
Hope you get the work situation resolved soon, it sounds very frustrating and annoying for you.
sat in my room again!!! and that is me being in the house on my own!! - ive treid the living room and the kitchen but just dont feel comfortable in there so ive come back to sit in my room
how did herceptin treatemtn go aubergina? one of the ladies i met at the hospital is having that too. i am taking tamoxifan and not having herceptin. i know you said you ached from tamoxifan? - has that started to ease.? i am sometimes doubled up with aches and pains in my back and legs/arms and my gp said he thinks it is the chemo still being in my body and that it should ease with time. what has your experience been?
i had docetaxol, (i had 4 FEC and 4TAX) and found the TAX gruelling.
i am thinking of going swimming perhaps post treatment.
not phoned counselling yet louise - i want to get through rads first i think cos i dont know from day to day what time appointments are and i dont want to set up counselling and then not be able to go.
i am at the stage where i really want to feel better and am frustrated. i think you are right, when i am through rads, i need to take a good long look at what i can do to help myself get better. i am still struggling sooo much to get to grips with the break up of my family though that i struggle with the time i have on my own - i find it painful not at all pleasurable. as ive said before i wear myself out just keeping occupied and in company all the time - daft isnt it?
hoping you all have a good day
The being in company thing, that is so that you don't have to be alone with your thoughts and that is perfectly understandable.
The taxol chemo is particularly harsh, my friend had three cycles of it, after three FEC .She was told that it takes a full 12 months after the end of the last one for the effects to finally wear off (although they won't stay like you are now, they will gradually recede) In the meantime be GLAD of its strength as you want it strong enough to kill off any cancer cells and don't forget chemo is basically poison, so no wonder your body takes a while to recover.
That sounds sensible about not starting counselling till after rads, all I am thinking is that most places will take a while to get organised and allocate you a suitable counsellor so maybe in a couple of weeks you could ring them and say " I will be avalilable from date X" and that gives them time to do this, I just know it is very rare to get in straight away at counselling, especially if it is a free service.
Is it sunny there today?
Hi headfulloffog, I am so sorry to read how low you are feeling, did you look at the Macmillan site that sparklinglime mentioned? It says that you can get referred by your GP to obtain the services of a Macmillan nurse. Might be worth looking into? Have you told your GP how you are coping (or not, as the case may be)?
Aubergina, welcome and it is brilliant to have you on board, your posts are very inspirational, it sounds as though you have braved the storm and things are looking up.
headfulloffog, I wonder, would you consider writing a letter to each of your 3 children individually, telling them what you are going through, how you feel crowded out of your own living room sometimes, what you would like for them in the future and what help you would really appreciate right now. Of course you would need to write it age appropriately, but maybe if you left it on their bed, they can sit down and read it in private and recognise that mum needs them? Or you could write it all out and not give it to them, but it might feel better and make it easier when you do talk to them.
Another idea I had, was to have a complete head fit on them! Shake them up a bit! But I guess thats not great parenting advice! However it might end up like that if you get to the end of your tether!
Howdee peeps,
Thank you Anna & Louise for your kind words.
Headfull, I think Louise is right that it might be good to book yourself in for some counselling, at least for an initial assessment - I spent most of my assessment bawling my eyes out, but then had to wait a month between assessment and starting, which was ok because Christmas and New Year came along as they do. But waiting a month without all that seasonal activity might have felt like a long time. It has been very helpful to have somewhere to go and talk, cry or just sit there gormlessly saying nothing!
Btw, I had 4FEC (but that wasn't what I called it!! - made me throw up!) and 4TAX so I know what you've been through - yukitty yuk yuk. Herceptin is nothing by comparison, just gives me a sinus ache for a few days. Don't know about you but FEC knackered my veins, so cannulation is a bit tricky for Herceptin, nearly fainted a few weeks ago when a different nurse didn't listen to me as to where to stick in the needle - my arm was like a pin cushion - hey ho!
About the aches and pains, it's hard to know what it is - it could be a combo of all of it. Docetaxol really messed up my legs and feet, but I know someone else whose hands went weird with it, and Tamoxifen can affect your joints. I am very stiff when I get up from sitting down for more than about half an hour, I look like an old lady for a bit until I get moving, which is what I call the tamoxifen shuffle. I'm sure that is the Tamoxifen as one of my herceptin nurses told me she's seen loads of women who take it get up out of a chair like that. Do you get that too? Drinking a lot of water is supposed to help.
I think swimming might be nice, though your skin might need a break after radiotherapy - mine came out in kind of burns and little blisters a few weeks after treatment finished, but don't worry it sounds worse than it was. Maybe you could ask the radiotherapists. Did you have any lymph nodes out? I had 10 out and despite yoga etc my arm's still a bit stiff but getting better, so I haven't tried a swim yet, though I did go in the sea a few weeks ago when it was hot - no wetsuit!!!!! wot a nut!!!
If you want some dietary advice you could contact the Penny Brohn centre (not got the number, but they've got a website) and they can send you some bumph about that and other stuff. I am lucky that it is only 20 min drive from me and they do nice things like Shiatsu masssage etc, had one this morning, lurvely.
I don't think you are daft at all, spending all that time on your own is really hard especially, especially when you're feeling worn out and miserable. Keep going girl, you're nearly there...
xxx
hiya- 4 down, 16 to go (rads) - feeling tired tonight. am actually sat at home which is progress- one of my daughters is in and revising in the same room so im not alone
i have thought about writing to the kids about my feelings/needs etc Anna but sometimes when the "dust settles" after a bad patch i just think oh leave it, writing to them might only make things worse. i did write a diary from when my ex left right through to my cancer diagnosis but havent done so since - perhaps i should reconsider doing that again - it helped me in a lot of ways before - off loading info etc and it cleared my head before i tried to go to sleep at night
interesting timescale on recovery from chemo etc and the effects of tamoxifan - i am pleased to hear that you are finding herceptin easier after the FEC/TAX yukkyness aurbegina- Yes, i am very very stiff after sitting - must be the tamoxifan shuffle setting in!! -also my veins are shot too so i can sympathise, ive got a lovely horseshoe shaped mark on the back of my hand where the cannula went in-not sure if it will disappear with time
i am hoping to start jogging again in the future but really cant see that as a possibility at the moment - just want to do something "normal" but i am a bit impatient.
Yes i had nodes removed - "clearance" - 3 infected. my arm is feeling ok but i worry about lymphodaema (cant spell it)
will take the advice from you all n contact counselling to arrange appointment. GP suggested i should not be rushing back to work and should give myself a bit of time to get stronger so if i could have counselling through summer/september it might get me strong enuff to go back autumn- i too am managing on benefits at the moment cos sick pay stopped.
strange sitting here knowing there are people living alone everwhere around me n wondering why oh why i just cant do it? its not as if ive missed my ex practically at all since he went, i havent! it is just the feeling of having somebody there for me who wants n needs me that bothers me i think especially as the kids are getting ready to fly the nest and dont want/need me - its the whole loss of purpose thing isnt it combined with the need for comfort when i have felt poorly and scared.?
been a funny old day here in the midlands - a real mix of sunshine, cloud and rain.
good wishes to you all.
Hello headfulloffog
Yes, do tick off the radiotherapy treatments. I am sure they have told you about the effects and that they go on for a while afterwards so I would not worry too much about the jogging until your skin has healed.
I think you have hit the nail on the head when you talk about loss, ie the relationship, and your children being more independent and then the cancer can rob you of self confidecnce, this is someting the counselling will really help with.
Journal sounds a good idea. especially if it clears your head. It does seem to be a good idea to get yourself booked in for the counselling as you say. I was just thinking it would be frustrating if you got through this last section of treatment, thought "right, bring it on!" and they said oh we can't see you for four weeks 
Glad you were able to sit with your daughter, maybe just do it in small steps of half an hour or so?
It is sunny here today and I hope it is with you too, just think after today's treatment you will already be a quarter of the way through YAY we will count them down with you
beautiful sunny day here louise too. yes quarter of the way after today - that is positive.
why oh why cant i enjoy being alone and on my own - it is sooo frustrating cos i know it is wrong not to!!- pre the break up, like many moms i used to crave time on my own (and never had it) - now i have loads of time on my own and i hate it and cant cope with it.
ive just looked at the garden and it needs a bit of time giving to it but i am struggling to get the movtivation to do it and it is cos my ex and i always spent time doing the gardening together...and now it is just a chore and a chore that im physically struggling to do cos of my treatment. aaaargh
Yes, I expect it is a struggle, bet you that a friend would help you out with the gardening for a ferw weeks. As Aubergina says people want to help but they really don't know how, and with a long treatment programme such as the one you are going through, sometimes the "patient" has to be a bit inventive in thinking of ways that people can help.
Please don't blame yourself for not enjoying being on your own....in a sense that becomes twice as hard if you a. feel sad being alone and then b. feel cross and frustrated with yourself for feeling like that. It is what I call with my counselling clients "double bubble". You don't like being alone and that's fair enough, one of the things the counselling will do is to build up your self esteem so that you WILL feel better being alone.
In the meantime, what can you do to help yourself along? May I suggest the "one positive thing" game? Every day (in that journal?) you need to write one positive thing about the day. This could be personal, such as YEAH I am a quarter of the way through my treatment, or WOW the sunshine was beautiful today. In a sense a long period of medical treatment is a bit like a "sentence" and the women I have worked with in prison found the positives helped, as did breaking the time down into chunks....harder for you as you feel poorly (and no wonder!!!) but please believe me this will pass.
I hope you manage to sit in the fresh air for a while...
I have a journal and a 'rant and rave' book. I have warnings on the front of the rant and rave book, so if the children happen to spot it, they've been warned that its written in a rage.
Thinking of you.
Hello headfulloffog
Good to see you, we haven't chatted for a while. I am so sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis and all the treatment you are still going through. Chemotherapy is very gruelling and you need to garner your strength for the radoptherapy to come.
I am sad to hear that you have little support. Can I ask what type of cancer you have and maybe I can recommend some places? The hospital will be able to give you a referral to counselling and this can be really helpful. You have had a lot of loss to confront, not just your realationship but also the loss of your health, and fears for the future.
Teens are notoriously selfish, you would probably be surprised to find that although they are not talking to you about it, they are talking to their friends. If you can reassure them that you have a good chance of getting better then that is all to the good, but of course you may not have much idea of your prognosis at the moment, their main thoughts are more likely to be "what if something happens to mum, what will that mean for ME?" rather than "poor mum to have to go through all this" but I promise you that that is NORMAL (although hurtful!) There is a fab online support service for teens whose parent has cancer, see here.
However, let's get back to YOU, the most important person. How have you been coping with the chemo? How many radiotherapy treatments will you have? Is it far to travel? Do let us give you some support through this demanding time.