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Glad it is over and done with for you, now just a few days to wait for the results. I know you are hurt by your children's attitudes but it is normal for teens, as I have said to you before. Concentrate on getting yourself strong now
hi headfulloffog glad to hear you are not feeling too battered and hopefully these next two weeks wont drag to much will be keeping everything crossed for you x
You are doing brilliantly, headfulloffog, don't get dragged down by anything now! I recently saw a t-shirt saying 'I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you think!' Maybe that can help you in some situations? x
Thinking of you for the results! xxx
Hi headfulloffog, glad that all went well.
1. Read that book on teenagers, you will get such an insight into how your children are thinking at the moment.
2. Stop seeking support from your children, it would be nice, but it is not their job. We are here to support you as are your friends.
The sooner you do these two things, the easier life will seem! 
I hope you're ok. xx
Hi headfulloffog
I bet your so relieved you have got this first hurdle out of the way, how much longer before you get the results? Must be so hard trying to focus on other things in your life when thats there in the background.
I am glad to hear you have had some quality time with your son and younger daughter, i do hope this continues for you and might help with your eldest a way. I agree with Hazeleyes, she may have not got your messages and at least she did show some effort by texting you.
How is the new job going? Have you started yet? Are you still going jogging? I have one of those fitness balls i bought months back with good intentions but housework and still de cluttering consumes most of my time when not at work. Also, my sister who's still in hospital at the moment on the rehab ward.
Hoping your results are clear and wishing you good luck with your new career. xx
just checking in to say hello - these last few weeks have felt like an eternity- i am still waiting for the results andvery fearful -a lady i went through chemo with summed it up when she descrribed herself as feeling like two people - one is the person who is trying to get on with life, trying to get herself fit and well and get job/home back on track and the other person is the one who is weepy and absolutely S**t scared of the whole cancer thing and cant see a future - not sure how to reconcile the two and definitely seeing more of the latter person in me at the moment - i am very edgy and have been very fragile and weepy this weekend i'm afraid. kids been with me and got through it as best i can.
really dont know what to do about my new job/old job situation - can't resign from old job - not got formal offer of new job but darent resign in case results are bad cos i wont then be taking new job anyway. dont know what t say to new employers to try to stall the new job - worried they will take it away before ive even been offered it - feels like such a mess.
kids - well 2 out of three (the younger ones) seem ok at the moment all things considered. my eldest is still making waves and refusing to show any signs of moving out or improving her attitude in the house - she doesnt think i am serious about wanting her to leave i dont think but i DO mean it but am afraid of saying anything to her due to her explosive nature and at the end of the day i can't force her out can I? she doesnt earn enough to live on her own, her boyfriend seems unwilling to move out of home (he doesnt pay any board!!) I am finding it increasingly difficult to tolerate living with her lack of talking/communication and her snarling whenever anyone speaks to her.
thinkig of you all - hope your sister is on the mend suzie suze, well done with decluttering too. my jogging has lapsed yet again pending these results im afraid
Hi headfulloffog, this feeling of being in limbo, must seem like eternity.
I have just been looking on the Shelter website for info for your daughter, as your daughter is over 16 you are able to kick her out - although I know you don't really want to do that at this stage, but legally you don't have to house her.
You might want to email her this link: Living with Parents, letting her know how unbearable you are finding her attitude.
Thinking of you
Excellent news! I am so pleased for you! xxx
That's fantastic news, headfull, and such a relief. Good luck with the job matters, it really feels as if you are moving forward now, and reaching out to friends too, which is good. Having a support network around is vital!
Thats brilliant news headfulloffog i am so pleased for you and good luck with the the final job offer you deserve a bit of luck. x
Fantastic news headfulloffog. A massive relief for you, and the waiting for the results must have been hell for you. Well done. I'm so pleased that all is well. Best of luck with the phone call. We're all rooting for you. xx
Hi headfulloffog
Fantastic news, am so pleased for you, bet there were tears of relief after the agonising wait.
Full steam ahead, new job, fresh start and as your so brave to deal with all that, surely your eldest is nothing in comparison. Stay firm. Put it in writing why you want her to leave and she either changes her ways or goes. Having her boyfriend stay as well you need double rent! How cheeky! Show her whos boss, after all you have had to go through do not let her get to you.
Its a long waiting game with my sister, once the swelling has gone down they can do the operation to put back the bone. She will be in hospital over christmas, however, shes now on the rehab ward and is at York, so easier for my mum and younger bro to visit.
thanks folks hope you all ok - sorry to hear your sister will be in hospital over christmas suzziesuze- it is a long road for her isnt it.
ive spent the weekend with some ladies who are at a similar stage to me with their breast cancer, on the whole we had a very positive time sharing experiences. during a discussion about the emotional effects of a cancer diagnosis, there was much talk about people in such a crisis needing to have "attachment" figures (just like a baby would attach itself to its mom) in order to get through the trauma. in most cases this is a partner or loved one. the enormity of having dealt with a cancer diagnosis whilst still dealing with the loss of my attachment figure really hit me. I had a bit of a wobble and an "i want him back" moment when i know i dont really want "him" back i just want a companion.
regarding the job - well i did call my new employers and they said they were waiting for a reference from my current employer - they sent the request neraly 3 weeks ago. so, i chased it up with my current employer who saidf that there were quite a few medical questions and she didnt know what to put on the freference proforma as she didnt know how much i had told them. i told her that i had told them (not at interview) but via a mediacla form about having breast cancer and treatment so she said she would send off my reference.
obviously in the abscence of a formal offer from my new employer, i cant resign form my existing post and i fully expect my new job offer to be withdrawn when they read all the mediacla stuff from my exiting employer, .............plus what if i do get the job and then I have to have time off for reconstruction surgery next year, my new employers wouldnt be too pleased would they?
oh i wish this would all just sort out - im really struggling financially now having not been at work for ages now. im still bleeding after the op on 28th October too (not heavily but enough) im sure it is just post op stuff but there is still a bit of me that is worried.
Hi headfulloffog
I believe I was told after my cervical op that I could bleed for about 2 weeks so whilst there is no need to panic, go back to the GP if you are worried or if it goes on for more than another week. At least you got the all clear from the op, which is great.
It is interesting about the attachment figure.....one thing my friend did when she went through it was to ressurect a teddy bear that she had had as a small child; it came out the cupboard for a while!
Good luck with the job stuff: don't forget that if they say you can't have the job because of cancer that is actually against the law in terms of the Disability Discrimination Act, see this interesting page. Also, whilst there is undeniably a chance that you are at risk for recurrence, you have now gone through all the treatments and whilst you may never feel quite the same again, you are now moving forward and getting stronger by the day!
Hi headfulloffog. Good luck with everything, ie, the job. Don't worry too much about the bleeding, but do as Louise advises, if you're concerned, go and see the GP. How's everything else at home? Good i hope!
I'm so happy for you that you have had good news.
I hope things move forward with the job offer.
Thinking of you.
Hey Headfulloffog,
I've been thinking of you and am forever checking, if you've posted anything.
Hope you're ok!
Big hug x
hello everyone - i want to wish you all a Happy new year and than you once again for supporting me. i hope that you Chritmases were happy ones - not an east time for many emotionally - how is your sister sussisuzze?
my abscence for the last month?? well ive been busy in lots of ways some good and some not so good -
good-ive started one job as a home care worker and am due to start another job this week looking after disabled children - keeping a very open mind as to how i will cope with almost 30 hours per week after being out of the workplace for 16 months - we shall see but ive enjoyed the work i have done so far - ive been tired but in a nice way.
not so good - ive been testing myself to see if i could cope without support from the forum and the answer is No, i dont think i can - the kids are still a real issue and i am so fed up of being a burden to people like you but sometimes i feel so sad and down about the kids attitude and behaviour. ive tried to get my eldest out of the house yet again in the last few weeks but she just refuses to go and continues to have such a detrimental/negative effect on living atmosphere in the house, it is untrue. i still feel totally unsupprted and im on here today having worked for 5 hours, left a little note asking the kids (any one of 3 of them) to hoover before i got home and coming home to find not a thing had been done - i turned to my mom for support (mistake) and she watched me sitting there shattered after working solidly and when i said could i have a drink - she said noone makes me a drink here and stompted off - she has also had a go at me for asking my daughter to leave - as you know, i have done but why will my mom not give me any support whatsover??? its as if she wants me to struggle/live in a horrid situation
my husband left me with 3 teenagers, my dad is taken in to a home and i get cancer all within 3 years yet my mom expects me to continue to tolerate having no help from the kids and putting up wit what can only be described as abuse in my own house from my eldest - i think she is of a generation where people put up and shut up and hid things behing net curtains but i have reached a point where i have to stand up for my own well being and i just dont understand why she isnt supporting me - i seem to keep wanting her approval still - i am an only child and my mom has not a clue about famillies and believes it should all be easy and happy happy but it isnt and i dont see why i should be made to feel guilty by her for saying that things arent right and that i want her grand child to move out - any other grandparent would support their child and perhaps offer the granchild a home for a while - my mom has two spare rooms but has only ever had any of my kids to stay overnight for 2 or 3 nights in 19 years and that was when i was giving birth.
sorry to go on again but i could reallly use some sanity from you lot...i am so scared of the new year on so many fronts
Hi
Sorry things are not improving at home.
I think you should tell your daughter that she has to leave and that she should go and live with her Grandmother.
I know she should support you, but your Mum isn't going to change...
Don't look upon today as a whole new year. Just treat things as a day at a time. Sometimes looking to far ahead is the thing that makes things scarey.
I wish I knew what to suggest.
All I can do is send virtual hugs.
Hello headful and new year to you.
Glad to know that you have got back to work Ok. However, you seem to be continuing your problems with your children and you also mention some things about how unsupportive your mother is.
I am going to be very straight with you in this post, not because I am unsympathetic (I hear your pain and bewliderment very clearly) but because the answer really is some straight talking now. Can I ask you if you are still seeing your counsellor and if so, whether you have explored your relationship with your mother? One thing I notice in the feelings you have about other people is that you really want someone to care for and look after you.....nothing wrong with that but it could well come from a feeling that you were not looked after enough by your mum, a feeling that has continued into adulthood, and affected how you see YOURSELF as a mother too. Just an idea. Also, if your mum is undermining you then you need to have her in your life less.
Sadly (and this really is a BIG sadly, one that all of us have to face sooner or later.....) no-one is responsible for us, we have to look after ourselves and our essential aloneness is a fact of life. I found this devastating to face up to myself so I know it is not easy.
Your mum has no obligation to have your daughter to live with her. After all, if your daughter's behaviour has been bad in your house, it would probably be bad in Grandma's house too.
Now, let's think about your children. We have said before that the only one who can change things is you, leaving a note should be enough but if it isn't then you impose chores on each one of them, with consequences if they don't do them...and you follow through the consequences, whether that is no Internet, no lifts, no meals made WHATEVER but it is down to you and you alone. They have (unfairly) used the excuse of you not being at work to get out of it in the past, but they have not got that excuse anymore. Take charge: it is your house. Draw up a chart of chores and make a column for you too so they can see everything you do.
If you feel mean doing this, please remember that our job as parents is to equip our children for adulthood. That is not going to happen if we run round after them and do not teach them that their actions have consequences.
Hi Headfulloffog. It is lovely to see you here again. That is terrific news about getting a job, well done. As well as the money side of things, it also gets you out of the house, and maybe stops you thinking about what is going on there.
Sorry, but as I was reading your post about the eldest, I immediately thought now is the time for you to do something drastic. You've tried all approaches with her in the past and she is still being disrespectful to you in your own home. This is so easy for me to say, and if the time came, I'd hope that I could do it, but why not pack up all her things yourself, have them ready for when she comes in from work. Maybe this would show her you REALLY mean business. Perhaps your Mum would take her in, if not, her Dad. One day she'll realise how badly she's treated you. As for the other two, as Louise says, give them a list of things to do, and consequences if they don't.
You sound so much stronger now, so maybe now is the time to tackle these problems. I do wish you well Headfulloffog, please keep posting. We're not just here to offer support, we're here also as 'friends'. That's how I feel on here anyway. Take care.
Hey Headfulloffog,
good to hear from you again! I was so wishing for a good Christmas for you!
I haven't really got any advice - no idea how to get someone out of the house that you don't want there anymore? What do the other children think of you wanting your oldest out? Are they supportive to you?
Sending you a hug xxx
Hi headfulloffog, merry christmas and a happy new year to you too!
Good point from sparklinglime, don't see the year stretched ahead, its just another day, take each day as it comes.
You are doing a great job and you need to recognise that you do have inner strength. No-one is going to look after us at our age! Well our friends probably more than anything, but it is not our parents job, nor our childrens. So remind yourself that you are great just the way you are. You love and approve of yourself and only you are in control of your life and what happens in it.
Its horrible when our children are disrespectful, but you have to find that inner reserve, show her that you are not 'a little housewife' but you have balls of your own and you are not to be messed with. (Then run away and have a de-brief with a good friend on the phone!!)
You are not a burden to us headfulloffog, we are here for you, not only is it what makes us get refunding for the site, but because we have been there and want to help other single parents through these tough times and find peace within themselves as we have.
I'll stop now, but well done with your new job, I am thrilled for you. The more you are out in the real world, the more your confidence will grow. You can do this.
Has anyone made a suggestion re: your daughter that you think you can go ahead with?
hi there and thanks again - i thought you wouild be sick of me -
in respomse to a couple of questions - yes am am seeing my counsellor - monthly now and, yes, she has picked up on the relationship with my mom and me striving for her affection and approval - she is trying to get me to see myself as an adult in my own right and to try to meet the needs of the child within me myself rather than reaching for my mom and getting rebuffed. i am succeeeding to a degree but not entirely.
and, yes, i am still struggling with the aloneness from my husband leaving me but i am getting better i think
regarding my eldest daughter and her moving out - it seems i can say whatever i like - and yes, i have told her to go in no uncertain terms but she simply doesnt go (she has loads of excuses/reasons) and i simply cant bring it up because i am scared of her reaction and the effect on the other two. really can't see the way forward. ive given up asking for her pay slip for the benefits people and have asked them to write to her direct.
as for support for me from the other two regarding the eldest, ....No - my other daughter says that if the eldest goes, she will go and take my son with her too and that it is all my fault for pushing them away. (me asking them to help with hoovering is pushing them away apparently)
i know my younger daughter intends to leave home to go to uni hopfully this year so that will not be a surprise - it wont be nice but i accept it and want whats best for her.
My son is becoming very difficult and displaying similar traits to his sisters - he watched me iron 10 shirts and all his uniform/kit the other night and when i asked him to hang up the shirts he said No - literally said No and then stuffed the shirts under his bed and the rest of the ironing in a heap beside the front door - i took his xbox out of his room but he went to push me and is not at all bothered about the x box missing. I am unable to ask him to do anything at all anymore and i never ask the girls for fear of their reaction - i was taking some soup to an elderly neighboutr tonight and i asked my son to feed the cat whilst i nipped out with the tray in my hand - his response was to say "no" and to say that i should do it because i was downstairs and plus, no because the cat wasnt in - there is just no hope is there??? you must think i am so so weak but what my kids need is a blooming good talking to and the only person in the world who could do that is their dad who is no longer a parent but a friend to them and of no support whatsoever to me - there is no way on this earth that he would say anything negative to any of them and i just have to continue to endure this - perhaps i just have to put up and shut up eh??
I thought about the chores list that was suggested but they would just ignore it and laugh at me and if i listed my own they would call me a martyr - (that's their dad speaking) so i dont feel as if i can do that -sorry. As for consequences - apart from removing xbox from my son there is not a fat lot else i can do - my middle daughter doesnt have ANYTHING i can treat as a consequence - she has money and a boyfriend with a car to do lifts and comes and goes as she pleases.
i think my jobs may be my sanity so please tell me why i feel so guilty for doing them? job 1 will have little impact on ther kids - it is early mornings- but job 2 is early evenings (when my kids are at home) and some weekends. although my kids can be horrid to me when i am at home and don't want me and can sleep til 1pm at weekends tell me why i feel so awful for going out to work at times when they are at home??? i am also waiting for the email from my ex asking me what i am playing at going to work when the kids are at home rather than when they are at school.
Oh, headfulloffog! I am so sorry! I know the guilt feeling - it's built into mothers I think. I wish I had some really good ideas, but I don't. :-(
Big hug to you xxx
Hi headful
Yes there is a lot of guilt there (seems to be a parent's curse) and I can't tell you how to disperse that, really, I think as parents we just sort of have to learn to live with it. I am concerned to hear that one of your worries is a critical email from your children's father. None of his business!!!!!
I am glad you are seeing your counsellor and it sounds as if the work you are doing with her is along the lines of the things I was saying to you last time. I feel sure this will be really helpful.
Your post sounds as if you are feeling powerless.....is that right? what would help you to feel more empowered?
headfulloffog new here read this and OMG if you local im there if not i dont know what to do to help just tell me. Teens are hard im a mum of 4 with 3 grandsons im not old 42 x
hello happy mamma and the rest of you great folk. where have i been? welll still riding the same rolller coaster i'm afraid and in trouble with the kids when they found out that i had been posting on here. this was very much part of my support network but i became reluctant to access it for fear of reprisals.
i am midlands based happy mamma
as to what has happened in betweens times. well, back to work in jobs that i am enjoying - low paid but enjoyable and keeping the woves at bay.
hair almost back to normal.
kids - still hard work but trying to protect myself wherever possible
wobbles -
1. my ex has moved in with his woman out of necessity it seems haven taken voluntary (yes voluntary!!!!!) redundancy to allow him to reduce maintenance payments. Expected him to live with her but it still hurts like hell.
2. a friend who was 8 moths ahead of me with cancer treatment has been told it has spread to her lungs - trying desperately to support her but soooooo scared at the same time that it is indicative that it will happen to me
sometimes happy, sometimes sad and just trying to get on with life as best i can. hope you are all keeping ok. xxxxx
Dear headfulloffog, wonderful to see you here, you have been missed and people have been asking after you on other threads.
I am sorry to hear that you feel you are still on a rollercoaster, but in regards to your children being upset with you for being on the boards - your support network - that is their problem, not yours, you needed us and I hope that we provided friendship and hope. You have never used their names or given anything away and we ensure that users are maintaining confidentiality at all times. How did they find out?
I am glad that you are enjoying your jobs, it can be such a release from everyday life and worries I find.
It always shocks me when the absent parent changes their income, just to reduce maintenance, clearly not seeing that the money is for the children to have a better start in life, rather than for the other parent to go and live the high life (as if it is ever enough to do that!)
I am sorry to hear of your friends recent news, it must be very scary for you, all you can do is continue to support her. It is not indicative that this will happen to you, so please remember that worrying about it will only stress you out and that is not productive.
How is the counselling going?
As Anna says, it is wonderful to see you here.
I'm glad you're enjoying work - mine is low paid too, but I do have a laugh there.
I'm so very sorry that your friend has had this news. I can only imagine how scary it is.
I'm with Anna with this board being your children's problem. My lot know I post here, but also know that it is anonomous. If they read my posts then perhaps they'd realise how lucky they are that I can come here for advice and support that often helps them...
Loads of hugs from me to you. Virtual but sincere.
xx
Good to hear from you headfulloffog, sorry to hear about your friend, sounds like your children are being typical kids and being selfish, do come on here and seek support from all the other lovely supportive posters, we have missed you
glad you are back headfulofog - we are here for you - don't take any notice of the kids not liking it - we are your friends and that is what you need through good times and bad - we have missed you
Hi Headfulloffog,
Im sorry to hear about your friend it very upsetting but please remember its not always the case. My friend who I bring to work each day had breast cancer a mastectomy she had a grade 3 with a family history of cancer and they thought the worst - she is now 4 years clear and fighting fit. She was amazingly positive and she got us through it.
Keep ranting on here if you need to we are all here like I said im new to all this and corny as it sounds 'i feel the love in the room' everyone here is so welcoming. I cant wait to log on when i get a few minutes
HM x
Hi Headfulloffog,
I really hope to see you more again! Thinking of you often. xx
Hi headfulloffog! We were just talking about you and your username! How are you doing these days?
Did you have a good summer?
Hi,
Youe situation is so similiar to mine. I am being treated for breast cancer, i'm halfway through chemo and start radiotherapy in 2 weeks. I have 3 girls, aged 12,13, and 14 (15 in a few weeks.) Since my diagnosis, my 14 year old had done what she can to avoid being at home, today the school has called to say she isn't in school. She has told the school that she has all the responsibility at home, she has made me 2 cups of tea since my diagnosis in April. The other 2 have been more helpful. My ex spends some weekends with us, it's an amicable relationship, and he lives 4 hrs away. His relationship with my eldest daughter is very volatile, and this does not help me at all. I also live far away from my family. I have no answers, the school have been a support and spoke to my daughter, I also got her into counselling, she attended 5 sessions then left. I think it's take one day at a time situation, I often sit waiting for her to come home, planning what i will do if she doesn't. This anxiety drains me further. My children's bedrooms are disgustingly filthy, and i shut the doors, and try not to worry too much about the housework. However we will get through it, and thats what keeps me going. I am thinking of you, you will get through it also.
Hi cazza40cycling and welcome to One Space, sorry to hear about your breast cancer, you say your halfway through how long is your treatment? Do you have the support of friends?
As for your 14 year old this is a pretty volitile age, and sadly they have tendancies towards selfish behaviour. Do you spend much time with your 14 year old?
Hi, cazza40cycling (what a loooong name!), we're in the same boat then, my halfway through chemo will be next week Wednesday, and I'll have rads after.
I am very blessed to have caring children, even though No3 son (16) does lots of stuff that really winds me up.
How are you doing with the chemo? You can read all about 'mine' in another thread, Stage 2. Would be interesting to exchange experiences xx
How are you feeling today headfulloffog? When does your eldest return? Hope you've had a peaceful weekend, had lots of rest etc. Take care.