This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Yes we are willing you on this week, Thursday night marks a milestone for you....physically less so as you will continue to "cook" for a while, but I do hope psychologically. as you breathe a massive sigh of relief that the daily visits are over and you can put everything into regaining your strength.
We are here to hold your hand 
Headfulloffog, wish I knew what to say about your daughter...
Hi headfulloffog. How are you feeling today? I think you are absolutely marvellous. You are facing, and going through so much. No wonder you feel low. Don't be too hard on yourself. Get the rads out of the way, concentrate on you, once you feel strong enough, then deal with whatever else needs dealing with. Right now, you are the important one. xx
2 to go now!!!!!!!!!! xxx
Thnking of you xxx
Yes I was thinking of you this morning and thinking it is your penultimate one!
My friend really enjoyed driving away from her last rads with two fingers held in the air, not to the lovely staff, but to the whole process in general....
yes it is the penultimate one today - really don't know how to feel. i am still so overwhelmed by my life in general.
with the treament coming to end,feel like a "little boat in a harbour about to be cast adrift" i am just soooo scared of being alone.
goin to see counsellor today too.
thanks for being there - hope you all ok
Good luck for today, hope it goes well with your counsellor xxx
That's good that you have the counsellor
As for being case adrift, the treatment will be over, yes, and that can feel like a lonely place as you just "wait". But you have your counselling and you have us, and very soon you will start to feel stronger 
Thinking of you. xx
Good luck for today headfulloffog. xx
thank you all - the counsellor is lovely (she is away for 2 weeks now though - oh well) and i really hope she can help.
last rads tomorrow - phew!
ex being v akward about access in school hols - i am off obviously because i am not at work at the moment and he is proposing a 2 weeks where he has the two younger kids (i will not see them during this period and wouldnt expect to) for the remainder 4 weeks he is saying that i should have 2 "clear" weeks in ther words weeks were i can book a holiday or do as i please with the kids but for the other two weeks, i need to stick around/make my plans around my son having a overnight stay with him on the wednesday night.
this is incredibly restrictive - i cant go away the beginning or the end of those weeks and if i am at home, i cannot plan anything for wednesdays or thursdays as my son will be to ing and fro ing., yet i am the one with the time with the kids
ive tried to say to him that tihs is unfair and that when he has th ekids his time is not compromised by a visit to me but he is insisting. can anyone think of a way of getting my point over to him without getting angry or upset or being sarcastic. ??
Oh heck, he isn't being helpful, is he?
Somehow, I feel that if you choose to go away with your son, then do so. He is going to have to deal with the fact you want two weeks away, which isn't unreasonable.
It's something I wasn't able to sort out with The Git, however, as he always felt his way was the right way.
I'm sure there will be good suggestions though from the others. Holidays always seem to create problems for so many though.
I'm so glad that its the last session tomorrow. I hope you're coping ok with that.
Loads of hugs, and sorry I've no constructive advice. xxx
Hi I wish you all the very best for your last rads tomorrow, thats another milestone reached isnt it, well done xxx
If there are 2 clear weeks in there somewhere then for your sake and only for that I would book a holiday then, if you were not feeling so fragile then I would be saying book the holiday whenever you feel like it dont tell the children till the last minute and just go, however for this year I really do think you have enough on your plate and as frustrating as it might be I would go for the easy option.
Could you look at going say Tues to Tues if you know what I mean, it might even work out cheaper or Mon to Mon, not sure where you are wanting or thinking of going but I`m sure there is a way to do this so you wont feel like your ex has won if you see what I mean xxx
Again good luck for tomorrow, I`ll be thinking of you xxx
Hello headfulloffog
I must say I agree with tiredmum on this one, usually I would be encouraging you to use various assertive strategies but I think that it would take an awful lot of energy you just don't have.
Many separated parents share the school holidays 50:50. In your case, the first two weeks: you are free to do something yourself without the children, the second two weeks you can do something WITH the children and so it is only the final two weeks of the holidays where you are restricted and if you really want to do something with them then you can do what tiredmum suggested, and there are day trips/short trips etc. Please do not put yourself through any more angst on this one.
Today is a red letter day and you can breathe a big sigh of relief as you put this last bit of active treatment behind you WAY TO GO!!!!!!
Headfulloffog, I`m thinking of you today xxx
Me too. xxx Can't help on the holiday issue, as I've never had this problem (son doesn't see him). The other suggestions are good though. Take care.
did it!!! rads finished...............
I have been kind to myself and not even looked at my emails so not had to face any possible communication from ex today of all days. save that for another day and as you say perhaps best to minimise possible angst.
I feel very very sad on this milestone day that the man i shared my life with for 27 years is so far away and remote from me to the point where he cannot even acknowledge what i have been through. i know that is an unreasonable expectation of me but it still hurts like hell.
on positive note, shared meal at tea time with two out of three of the kids to mark the end of treatment - that was nice
thanks for being there.
Well done xxxxxxxxxxxxx
I hope that you can now start to look forward, not looking at your emails is a step in the right direction I`d say, you dont have to put yourself through seeing mails from your ex all the time, maybe you can get to the point where you can check all your other maisl but only the ones from your ex say once a week xxx
I dont know what went on between you and your ex BUT I can say that he has been heartless and thoughtless throughtout your illness/treatment, it is no wonder you feel the way you do, please rise above it, you have come so far and have no one to thank but yourself xxx
I am really really happy for you that you had a celibratory meal with 2 out of 3 of your children, that must have been such a good feeling for you tonight.
Keep going head held high, we are all right behind you xxx
HOORAY! so glad your invasive treatment has ended I understand exactly what you mean about him not sharing it with you. One particular ex of mine, I used to think of him and think "how CAN you just move on and not CARE what is happening to me?" and it was a physical pain I felt.
So...now it is recovery time, the next slice of things. Any soreness you have will probably get worse for a little while, maybe 10 days (sorry) but then will turn the corner and start to heal, by which time your counsellor will be getting back from hols and you are onto the NEXT stage (phew)
Great that you had a meal with the children, I wonder if they will relax a bit now that the treatment is over, although this sounds harsh it is quite a "normal" thing for them to feel angry towards a parent who is ill (that's because we are supposed to be infallible, dontcha know 
)
So.....I wonder what treats you can plan for yourself over the next week or so??
i am going away for a couple of nights with my son this weekend - hoping to have a paddle in the sea if we are lucky - ive been craving that since last summer.
feels very strange this mornin noy havin to go to hospital.
checked emails this mornin and sure enuff there is one from my ex sent yrsteerday (the day i finished treatemnt ) tellin me it was unfair of me to be bothered by the overnight midweek restriction in the holiday. i guess i shouldn't be surprised that he sent it yesterday (i had anticiapted it after all) but why does it still hurt? and why am i sooo sad? and still wanting him?
i think he is away with his new woman too at a place we used to go to...so that is playing on my mind.
i sooooo wish i could let him go and see him for the nasty/uncaring person that he has become but i just don't - i still crave him (or is it the him that he was or just comfort??)
you tell me - i'm baffled but i just dont seem t be able to move out of this sadddness
Well you just can't switch off love like a light.
However, one book I have found very very helpful is here, it includes various useful exercises and visualisations.
Glad to hear you have a couple of days at the seaside, and hope you enjoy your paddle!
Do enjoy the seaside, and I really hope the sun will shine for you.
So many questions, and sadly never any answers.
xx
Yeahhhhhhhh, rads are finished. That is brilliant and I do wish you well. You're a lovely lady headfulloffog. So very pleased that you were able to share a meal with two of your children. Off to the seaside too? I hope the weather is good for you both, and you get to paddle (don't forget your towel, hehe). Concentrate on you for now, though I know you're still hurting over your ex. You're the main priority. Have a fab couple of days. xxx
we did get to paddle in the sea!! we had a very pleasant weekend and i hope you all did too. I still cant believe i havent had to go to hospital today - it feels very odd but i'm not complaining.
thank you for book suggestion - i like paul mckenna - i will follow that up.
I did miss my ex (or is it just someone???) at the seaside a bit when i look across and see families and couples etc but i am becoming wise enough to know that what you see is one thing and the reality is another - they are probably not all blissfully happy as i imagine are they?
some of my friends been commwnting post rads - most saying things like take your time, sort yourself out etc but one friend quite adamant i should be back at work NOW (i tried to say i am just not ready yet n feel drained) but she said i am only one who can sort myself out. .....believe me i am trying - i dont want any of this either but i can only go at my pace and i feel like i am failing to meet other peoples's expectations of me.
Hi headfulloffog. Great you had a fab time, and even paddled. My advice would be take as much time as need be. You've been through an awful time of things, and it will be at your own pace, like you said. Perhaps this one friend thinks if you got back to work, to some sort of 'normality', then you're well on your way to putting ex behind you. Do you know what I mean, like a way forward for you. This isn't about anyone else, however well meaning, it is about you, what you think you can do, if you're up to it emotionally etc. You don't have to meet anyone's expectatiions, so please get that out of your head. When is your daughter back from her hols? xx
Glad you had a paddle YEY!!!!
It is well known that the effects of radiotherapy go on for sometime afterwards and PHYSICALLY could last for quite some weeks, and that is without any emotional stuff to sort out. Often people want you back to normal because it makes THEM feel better; it is not that they do not care about you, it is that they DO care and you being ill threatens their sense of security. Do it in your own time, and that's an order!!!!
Hope you're listening to Louise headfulloffog. She has a stern voice on, xx
...and my imaginary glasses. Everyone knows I mean business if I look at them with these glasses on!
I was going to mention the glasses... 
I'm so glad you've had a paddle
I am so pleased you got to paddle xxx
i am going to take it at my pace, definately.
my eldest is back on sunday from her hols - the house has been a lot calmer without her i have to say. i am not looking forward to the grief when she comes home - jet lagged and grumpy and goin back to work
i woke up feeling v low this morning - ive just got no purpose any more - despite there being so many people "rooting for me", i am just not happy. its not as if i don't see people or talk to people - i do , and i am sociable - it is just not "the one, my ex" n how the hell do i get over that??
i should really dislike him now (after his total lack of compassion throughout my treatment let alone nothing else) so why can't i let go?
this is just "doing my head in" and really holding me back- i want soooo badly to move on but i just cant seem to let him go even though he quite clearly has, everyone knows he has and he demonstrates that he has. aaaaaarrrgh. when will i be able to?
Hi headfulloffog. Sorry you're feeling so low this morning. I haven't got the answer to your question. I wish I had a magic wand, (don't we all). I think you've had an awful lot to get your head around, the breakup, cancer, the kids, that you need to slowly build your strength back up, to be able to help you deal with it all. One day, it will be better, when that day is no-one can say, but it will get better.
What are you doing today?
I think these things take time, and as you've had to focus on the treatment, in a way, it wasn't at the front of your mind, perhaps.
Could it be time for your daughter to find her own space now, if things have been that much calmer without her? It's something I dream about at times with eldest...!
Loads of virtual hugs headfulloffog. xx
i know that my eldest would love to move out but just cant afford to.
i think i am impatient for things to improve and yes, i think the diagnosis / treeatment on the one hand highlighted to me that i was alone but it also probably prevented me from continuing to get over the break up - i felt as if i was at the time of diagnosis but have gone backwards/downhill on that score ever since cos i have been so needy (misguidedly for my ex!)
been wobbly all day again - just cant see any light at end of tunnel
Hi headfulloffog. Hope you're less 'wobbly' today. xx
Hi headfulloffog
It's not surprising you are feeling so wobbly with all that has gone on, it will be a while before you start to feel physically stronger, apart from all the emotional upset. At least you are now in contact with the counsellor and once she gets back from hols you can start to work on things with her.
I imagine you have mixed feelings about eldest coming back from her hols, you say she cannot afford to move out but the bottom line is that if she continues to live with you then she must respect at least some basic house rules or be told that the choice is hers, that she can move out if she doesn't like the rules. I had all this with my eldest too. You need to remember that YOU are the parent and is it YOUR house, please do not allow her to rule the roost.
So....what about the school summer holidays, can you get some plans in place for nie things to do?
writing this late at night when i feel at my best - i wish i could feel ok when i open my eyes each morning
best wishes to all of you and thank you again for your support.
not got any specific plans for hols - cant get the kids together to talk n they are at their dads this weekend so it will havve to wait - got a few ideas though/
Hi headfulloffog. A little holiday will do you the world of good, not having to focus on normal everyday stuff. Late at night, when you're feeling at your best, keep telling yourself that 'tomorrow will be a better day'. Are you on edge too about your daughter returning from her holiday? Just remember it is your house, your rules. As hard as this seems, she is old enough to move out, so if she isn't prepared to accept what you say, then.......
Remember today will be a better day. Concentrate on the ideas for the holiday, and have a lovely weekend. Do you have plans to see your friends? Take care. xx
that post couldnt have been there at a better time hazeleyes, as you can see it is morning and not my best time so the mantra "it will be a better day" albeit this morning not at night, is positve help for me . despite having been out and spent a lovely night with friends at a quiz and one friend staying over, i still feel "low" this morning - it is so frustrating
and yes, i am very very nervous about my eldest coming home - in fact ive just messaged her as i have had almost no contact with her whilst she has been away - the odd one liner on face book - ive tried to message/text her everyday but had very little back. i am sooo worried - i cant imaginge what she is going to be like, tired and trying to fit back in to home/work again.
the other two are at their dads this weekend and they were both very "sparky" and arguing when they left me yesterday so goodness only knows what will come back on sunday night - its going to be like a tinderbox in this house, sunday night isn't it.
and me?.... well im doing my usual "bouncing from person" act to keep company for the weekend - is that so wrong do you think? i know i am running away from myself and being alone but it gets me through?? i am just scared that i will NEVER be able to cope with these weekends alone............
sun is shining, going to see another friend later. enjoy weekend all x
You take care xx
I don't think it's wrong of you at all to bounce from friend to friend, to avoid being on your own. I have visions of you on a spacehopper now hehe. Whatever it takes to get you through, then do it headfulloffog. Have a lovely time with your friend today, try not to think or dwell on your daughter coming home. Deal with that one, when and if anything kicks off. Perhaps you could recite to yourself exactly what you'll be telling her if she should start yelling about different things, then it might be easier for you. Have a great day. xx
Hi headfulloffog. I hope today was a good one for you. Has your daughter arrived home yet from her holiday? Hoping all is well your end. Keep focusing on the little time away in the Summer with the kids. Have a good evening. xx
Hi headfulloffog. Hope all is well your end. Especially hoping you had a peaceful, chilled out Sunday. What have you been up to today? xx
hi folks - just retreated to my room - had enough today.
Yes i bounced on my spacehopper from place to place all weekend. got through it but wish i could get over grieving for my family unit all the time ( its the unit i miss not him any more) i spent time with a couple and their daughter and i felt like the elderly granny when really i am a mom of three.
eldest came home yesterday evening and i am staraight back on eggshells there. (she owes me board money that was payable on the last day of june and i am just too afraid of her kicking off to ask her for it). She has been to work today which is good - she is tenacious - not very talkative about hols but that is fine.
yesterday evening was always set to be a tinder box with all three kids returning home from dads/hols.
made worse by the fact that my boy has lost his phone and is very very grumpy and taking it out on me verbally. i don't need him to start on me too. he lost it friday, has been at his dads all week end and then came in mouthing off about it last night and it has continued through this evening.(ive looked for it) i feel like such a weak parent - he just slams about - is it weak to turn the other cheek and let it blow over?? i am trying to adopt the "pick your battles" approach but will that mean they are getting away with thjings that they shouldnt
he has also had a "go" about his birthday treat - which seems to be an expectaion not a treat any more - ive told him i simply cant afford to take 4 or 5 lads out karting or the like and have offered a sleepover with a take away for 2 or 3 and he has gone off in a huff.
i have felt very low again a lot of today and just can't see a purpose to me - the kids all seem to hate me and have a go at me and everything is just such hard work. ive kept the house going for 2 years since my ex went now through all my treatement and with very little practical help off the kids and i am simply worn out and afraid that i cant keep it going. i have got the number of someone to try to tackle the garden for me but i just feel overwhelmed and beaten down (by the kids attitude) most of the time
Hi headfulloffog. Really am sorry to hear of everything that has been going on again. Your son is being verbal to you because he sees the girls doing it. You have to put a stamp on it, or else it will get worse. You're already feeling low, and their attitude is not helping you. Things aren't blowing over are they? As for the karting, he is old enough to realise you just cannot afford it. A sleepover, take away, and maybe a DVD is a super idea, practical too. If he doesn't want that, then let him go off in a huff. He'll come back, but don't back down on this. Financially you can't anyway, and he'll have to come to terms with it. Could he ask his Dad to pay for it? He could do that, and then you can go ahead with the sleepover. Your eldest has to start paying her way. Like others have said, she is old enough to move out, she'll soon see how cushy she has had it living with you.
I know you probably haven't got the energy to deal with all what is going on, but I do believe you have to do something. It's totally not fair on you headfulloffog, and the longer it goes on, the harder it will be.
tips on how to ask the eldest for the missing board money for June?????? she owes me £150 and i already gave her half of that back to take on holiday so i have to have it or else she will have had it twice if you know what i mean.
Good morning Headfulloffog. In order to avoid a conflict, could you write it all down. Firstly put the non-rent down for June. Then list all quarterly bills, food etc. Do you know what she earns? If so, I would write that down too, and then work out what she can reasonably pay you each payday. Explain to her, that since she has been working, you're no longer entitled to child-benefit and whatever else. I would also get the local paper, and see how much flats, bedsits are going for. Present these to her, with another list of what she would have to pay out for should she be living on her own. Include absolutely everything from loo rolls, cleaning detergents, deodrants, soaps, shampoo etc etc. Put it all in black and white Headfulloffog. If you don't feel strong enough to deal with this on your own, ask a friend perhaps to sit in with you. Your daughter doesn't have a choice in this, she has to pay board, that's the way of life.
It is so easy for me to say, because I haven't got a teenager yet. I only know what my Mum did when I left school at got work. I couldn't actually believe she was taking money from my first pay packet, hehe. I wasn't disrespectful to her, and I never argued about the board money, but right from day one, I knew what was expected of me, and Mum had listed everything, so I could clearly see how much she spent a week/month. Even if I went away for a week, I still paid the board money, as she said, 'just because you're going away, the bills aren't'!!!
Again, this is also easy for me to say, but give your daughter an ultimatum. Set a deadline, if she isn't going to change her ways by such and such, then she has to go elsewhere. I know this would break your heart, but at the minute your heart is breaking with her being there.
Sorry if I sound a bit harsh. xx
Hello headfulloffog
Hazeleyes has said to you exactly what I would have said about the money situation. Certainly that is what is what I did with my eldest. If it is any help, it is very common for young people to kick against paying board, as it goes against the fact that we as parents have provided everything for so long.
Just one more thing: you have been feeling low about things for quite some time now and you are perceptive enough to see that you avoid your feelings by spending time with others and having a "busyness" that occupies you, you have also had the courage to start work with a counsellor. All these things bode well for your future and for things improving, in other words in these departments you are doing all you can. The one "department" you seem to feel stalled in is things with the children and sadly this is in your hands alone, we can make suggestions and will ALWAYS give you support but the sad truth is that it will only improve as you find the energy to change things. I guess that it is hardest thing of all, and whilst I agree that it is a good idea (a neccessary idea!) to address the money issue, you perhaps need to gird your strength right now ready to tackle the other things that trouble you. Rome wasn't built in a day and you have been through sheer hell these past few months, one step at a time
Awww hadfulloffog
I'm so sorry things aren't so good.
Children do take us so much for granted. Had a go at eldest yesterday as he is hoping they're car will pass MOT today (which I'm paying for) so he can go across country in it on Saturday.
Told him that getting the car roadworthy has cleared me, his and his sister's accounts out. Up to him to pay for petrol.
His face when I told him I won't be putting fuel in
Have an issue at the moment with a lost ipod (eldest again). I've told him there's absolutely no excuse for finger pointing as he has a place to keep his 'precious' stuff, and if he can't keep things carefully then its his loss. He's now put up "lost" posters in every room of the house
Loads of hugs and strength from me to you.
Hi headfulloffog, 4 to go is good well if you can say any of this is good, could you maybe promise yourself a little treat at the end of the 4, something that you like just to maybe lift you a little?
I do hope that when the rads are finished you might start to feel a little more positive, so difficult I know xxx
Do you have any plans for this week?
Yes it is difficult when its a split situation but we can only do our best I guess.
Thinking of you xxx