hello
Hello Sy
What a horrible, horrible evening for you. No wonder you are so angry. It sounds as if the force and extent of your anger scare you, it is awful, isn't it, when we are "taken over" by that terrible rage? Coming after the events of Thursday as well, it is very stressful.
You're right, a HUGE percentage of parents lose touch with their children within a year of separation.....and the politicians use this statistic to criticise those parents, and they have NO IDEA of the circumstances, or that those parents were more or less prevented from contact, thought that the children were better off without them or even gave up in despair.
Please do not consider running off with the children, you would play right into their hands and she could then argue that you couldn't be trusted to bring them back etc. Also please do not give up trying to be part of their lives, you know they adore you. Try and stay calm to day, and do the neccessary re form-filling.
Will check in later.
Oh sadsy, what a roller coaster you are on at the moment, my heart goes out to you.
It was good to hear that Thursday went well all things considered.
It is no wonder you were feeling so angry, to be let down at the last moment. I would feel the same, it is the lack of control that you have over the situation and it seems so very unfair.
You said:
[url]I gonna ask luke what he wants, if he not fussed at seeing me - i give him up and let him go to his new life without me.[/url]
I urge you not to do this. Just keep going on your path for what you want. My daughter (14) received a text the other day from her estranged father (his choice) saying 'if you don't want me to contact you have the courage to say so', she was devastated and didn't know what to do. She is very uncertain of his mood swings and aggressive behaviour, but she still needs him to want to keep trying to get into her life.
Whereas you have a relationship right now with your son Luke and as hard as it is, keep fighting for it. Children always want the love of their father, whatever their mother might have told them, or the situations they might have experienced. Show him that you will always be there as he is probably very uncertain of the situation, being moved away with a new man in a different house, not sure when he is going to see you.
Please, keep calm for him, tell him you are doing everything you can to see him and stay in contact with him, regardless of what his mum is doing. They say the best thing a man can do for his children is show respect for their mother (I understand this is hard, but it is what your children need from you).
Your anger is understandable.
Don't let Luke or Arwen down though, they will need you all their lives. They are far too young to cope with choices. They need boundaries and regularities.
Next time you speak, you ask them if they had a great time camping. You need to learn to sound happy at their enthusiasm and be happy for them - no being miserable about missing them, other than saying that you did miss them, but are glad they had fun. And if they did have a great time it might be something you can do with them during the summer holidays - even if its only in the garden.
It's ok me saying that being the parent with care, however, their father managed to keep control over me for a long time even after. As I've said before, it's something I can't get my head around.
I've also been thinking of them not going to school. As their mother has now changed areas, it is too far to take them to school. As it's so late in the term, I'm wondering if this is why the school is accepting this.
Your mum is grieving for Alan. You too, I know will be grieving for him in addition to everything else.
Your boss sounds pretty understanding. It would be good if you are able to get back to work to get some routine back in place. It's good if she's going to make allowances for now. Do you work on your own or with others?
I'm sorry things are so horrid, I really am. Sending loads and loads of hugs and strength your way.
Don't be sorry.
You've had so much to deal with.
hugs
Sy
How would it be if you thought that this time, these few days, were your lowest ebb? That you had hit rock bottom and however terrible that place is, that's now the worst, that the feelings can get no worse than THIS, however dreadful and unbearable they are? Because that's what I think has happened: you have been keeping yourself together in a certain way, because of the funeral and now those defences can crumble and the depths of your despair materialise. Sy, for every day of pain you now have, it is a day less of pain that must be endured, worked through and learned from, before you start your slow climb to recovery. Don't give up.
Yes, sometimes an analysis is best avoided! ;)
I often have really nonsensical dreams, not mystical like you, Sy. Last week I dreamed I was in the Big Brother house, one of the housemates was telling me I was a nice person alhtough they had "thought I was hideous when they first met me" and then my Internet friend from Coventry came into the House to do a car boot sale! I don't think that is even worth analysing :?
Are you going to try and get some fresh air today? A ride to Tesco?
Why shouldn't you have a tatoo? I wouldn't, but then I'm a coward!
That was good of you colleague - seems you have more support than you're aware of...
I hope you got your card back. Easily done! I was a cashier at Tesco for a while (nights), so it's not uncommon.
I don't really think you're putting off the Court forms. It's Sunday, and the Court's closed anyway. I honestly think that a 'bit of time out' has been necessary. You've had one heck of a week.
No, I've not had my X-ray, and losing my nerve over the whole thing. I tried the surgery a few times to chase it, but they're always engaged.
Maybe tomorrow.
I'm being strict with what I eat, and I'm being more active again now the knee is better. I seem to get a strange comfort knowing the crutches are in the cupboard if I need them!
I'll phone the surgery tomorrow.
It's all self-inflicted. I've been big all my life - even when I was very, very sporty!
I'm glad you have a good colleague - they make work so much easier. Support her with them wanting a baby. A child is so life changing. A child can also put tremendous pressure on a relationship...
I need to take the eldest to work now. It's quite a nice day. Fresh and breezy. Youngest is at a friend's house and can stay there while I'm gone. It's not often people seem able to help with babysitting!
Need to be pulling myself together again.
I can do this - as in walk! Mind over matter, could just do with someone by my side, holding my hand and encouraging me (friend wise!! Nothing more...) I'm still being silly about going into the back garden incase my knee goes again!
Yes I bet you would feel more confident to have a helping hand, sparkling. How did the work experience go, by the way? My youngest is going this coming week but luckily he can just get the bus :) he is working in the same shop where my eldest works fulltime. You MUST keep phoning the surgery until you get through, we will not stop nagging you until you go, heh heh :roll:
Sy that bill does sound very high, mine is £68 a month but got quite an efficient boiler. You have my sympathy stripping wallpaper :( it's s laborious task. Could you hire a steam stripper? they are much quicker. When I finally got rid of all the wallpaper here, it took forever as I have one big through-room. What made it worse was that a couple of years previously I had painted over the wallpaper in an attempt to have cheerful Mediterranean decor and it had come out a very bright yellow :shock: After I had almost finished stripping the lot off, I had a nightmare that I had come downstairs and "someone" had stuck all the paper back on the wall again, in bits, like doing a jigsaw :o
Glad you are having a quieter day today, enough time tomorrow for the Court form
She had a lovely week, thank you, although she did find it boring. As much as she likes rabbits, being put in the cuddle corner a lot of the time with children on school trips didn't impress her much! She won't be sorry to be back at school tomorrow.
One week to go...
I hope your youngest has a really good week.
I used to love wallpapering! Even taking it off - my dad would give me that job, and must have done a good job making me think it was an honour!
Don't blame you for a break after doing that for a while.
I keep threatening to paint here. I've just not got around to it yet. It's the thought of moving everything. A lot of things stuffed in a small house really, but with four children, it all seems necessary. That's my excuse!
I have the paint, and the rollers.... :D
Sy
Yes it will feel like a open wound being poked every time you speak to the children...but the alternative is not to speak to them, which is worse. So as the parent you have to tolerate the wound being prodded :( Sounds like a good philosophy not to get your hopes up too much about next weekend but still I am keeping my fingers crossed you will get some time with them. Sorry to hear wbout your purgatory image, and yet I will tell you now that one day you will move beyond that and there's so much potential for a good future. I was thinking: how would you feel about taking up the sporty things you use to like, again? Badminton etc?
Hi sadsy
You have a busy day ahead, pace yourself. If you feel yourself getting anxious, grab a drink of juice and go and look into the garden, you are ok and you are in a process, I like what Louise said, it is something I used to think too, 'I have hit rock bottom, things can only get better from here'
It was great to hear that Arwen had so much to tell you, she is so obviously missing you! Sparklinglime made a good point about being interested in their camping holiday and anything else they get up to. It is painful, but then thats parenting all over!!
It is also good to hear that you have a fun colleague, that makes going back to work that much easier.
Also I wanted to say that your dreams are incredible! You should write a book, you are very eloquent and obviously have a very imaginative mind! :)
Where are you up to on your list of things to do today?
How lovely Arwen chatting so long! Could be Luke was taken aback that she did, when usually she didn't. I know what my lot are like with each other!
Your list for today sounds really good. Getting the paper work sorted will be a good move.
I pay £88 a month for electricity (they decided to up it from £52!) I'm all electric here (gosh, that sounds exciting), and use the dryer a lot. My 13 year old likes getting up very early and having the elecric fire on too :shock:
I'm guessing that going back to work will help you financially? Is is possible to get a lodger in? Just thoughts sy. My best friend ended up having a lodger when things got tough (she did enjoy her holidays), and they ended up being really good friends.
This will hurt, sorry. Have you told the council that the house is no single adult occupancy?
Sy it sill sounds as if you have done a lot!
Just a thought: if you are going to be on regular prescriptions you can get a pre-pay certificate which lasts 3 months or 12 months and for the 12 month one you pay 10 monthly Direct Debit instalments of around £10. See this link for details: http://www.dh.gov.uk/en/Healthcare/Medicinespharmacyandindustry/Prescriptions/NHScosts/DH_4049383
Would a kitchen be worth the cost to get a lodger? Can get pretty basic ones... (just food for thoughts...)
Arwen will NEVER for get you.
Oh no, not a Renault. If you have an hour to spare I'll tell you about my Renault Grande Espace. Very emotional tale.
Fingers crossed it can be fixed easily sy.
Don't feel too bad at the Court Forms. Perhaps see what happens this weekend as it is what she's proposed - although you've stated you do want both Arwen and Luke.
Good luck with the auction site. I've just got an alternator for my son's primera for £10! (ok plus £25 p n p).
My Renault has a 2.2 diesel engine. Nightmare. It's cost me thousands, all on a credit card, and now off road as it still isn't fixed. I can't scrap it after the money that's gone on it. I live in hope that I'll win the lottery so I can a complete new engine in it (engine blew up after I'd had it 7 months. It is second hand). Nearly broke me. We had last summer without a car.
You can google the renault 2.2. If only I'd done that before I got my car that we miss so much.
Glad you talked with Arwen. It sounds to me as if Luke doesn't want to talk much if the conversation is being "listened to". I expect the school has been told that the kids are leaving and so they don't think they have to take much action.
You can apply online for the prescription card, Sy, with the link I gave you.
GUESS WHAT? I have a Renault too..... :( and it is going in on Wednesday with oil leak.Had a new head gasket last autumn ( :o had a fit of the vapours at the bill!) and the work was guaranteed for 12 months so I am hoping it is the same thing and they have to repair it without charging.
My renault blew up after 7 months - not the cam belt as I had it replaced when I bought the car - gave it a full service.
Reconditioned engine block was £4500
since then it's had a new alternator, a new jet, a new rocker cover and something else I can't remember, than last year it cut out in the outside lane of the A55 - managed to coast safely to the side. Renault garage "repaired" it for £200. 5 days later, same again - my youngest was with me that time, and his leg was in plaster! I coasted to the side again (miracle nothing around us) and managed in stops and starts to get to a lay-by.
Renault said replace jets, and if it still didn't work replace fuel pump - estamated cost £4500 :o
At that point I said stop.
Most on my credit card - so I do know why I have a high balance. We were without a car for 3 months - I couldn't do this because of wonky legs. Life so hard. So last year I took the plunge and got a new car - 4.9% apr - in theory to do the driving instructor thing. Which I will do. We're broke, but boy, what a difference life is with a car. Shame I can bearly afford to run it :lol: But handy for A&E trips, and for that alone its worth it.
So, my car is parked up on a friend's drive. It would easily pass an MOT! I'll be trying to sell it again this summer, as possibly I can let it go for nothing as it's an year since I took it away from the garage. With four children in Scouts, I couldn't want a better car. Now when we go out, we can't take freinds along.
The car broke my heart. But it is just a car. Just like loosing a house - it's 'just' a house. So long as the children stay healthy, I think I'll be ok!
Oh dear is it hard to shift yourself this morning? The anti d's could well be responsible; they can make you very tired in the mornings. Come on, rise and shine! Well, I will let you off the "shining bit" :shock: What time is your doc appointment?
Yes, my car is old, will see what the garage says (or, rather, what the man from the garage says :) Sparkling, it really makes such a difference having/not having the transport but you are right, it is "just" a car and there are more important things
Hi sadsy
I think it is quite good that you couldn't get up, surely? You have hardly been sleeping much recently so a relaxing morning wrapped up in snuggly duvet sounds divine!
Right, Court forms, how about setting a time this morning, getting them all out, make a coffee, tea, juice, whatever suits you and makes you feel good, then sit down and knuckle down, then afterwards, go for a swim and treat yourself to a DVD perhaps?
It must be done and you can do it. The lying in bed is part of avoidance I guess?
All this talk of cars! Sparklinglime, £4500, thats just crazy!
Hi sadsy
Also, it's old me coming back, the bit I didn't want to come back.
We are who we are, but we do have the power to change, I believe. Don't start giving yourself a hard timenow, we all do that procrastinating thing. A bit of info for you now!:
Procrastination is a behavior which is characterized by the deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision. Psychology researchers also have three criteria they use to categorize procrastination. For a behavior to be classified as procrastination, it must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying.
For an individual, procrastination may result in stress, a sense of guilt, the loss of personal productivity, the creation of crisis and disapproval from others for not fulfilling one's responsibilities or commitments. These combined feelings can promote further procrastination.
Knowledge is power, now go and bite the bullet!
I tried to change - and couldn't. People who cared told me I was going through life angry. I'm far too soft, and wanted to be tougher! Basicallky, I'm soft and that's that! I can be strong when I know where I stand with things - stuff to do with the Scout hut, and even having a stand up argument with the garage over the rocker cover, as I felt they should have fixed that for nothing... :roll:
Me - useless with sorting me out though!
Have you got those Court papers sy? Would that kind lady in CAB be able to go over them with you if you felt you needed a second opinion?
That will be lovely, your mum coming over. You could make her an ommelette with some new potatoes, maybe. And part baked rolls, hot out the oven.
Can you tell I'm hungry?!!!
Driving Instructor. It's the worry of the cost - £3000 for training. While this was a worry before, paying off the credit card is a big some a month, and although I've spoken to my bank, Barclays, and the Co-op who do Career Development loans no one can answer my questions.
Also, I can't get into the back of a car to watch an instructor teach. I think the instructor I've found has a four door car though! He lives down a steep hill, so need to be able to walk a hill without my leg locking to see him about for a chat.
Oh yes, phoned the surgery 5 times so far today. Twice before seeing my Aunty - who thought I looked as if I'd lost weight (thank goodness!), and 3 times since I've come back. It's half day there today, so I might drop a note through the letter box later.
The eldest and my friend are going to give the Renault a good clean inside and then sell it for what they can get. This year my mind won't be so focused on what I've spent on it. The credi card bill is quite anonomous really! At least I do know why I have this debt. Live would have been so easier without it though.
I don't think about the car or the costs now. I just pay it!
I saved my credit rating for the car. I've paid 9 months of it, so maybe I should check my credit rating to see if I can get this career development loan. Flipping 14% APR it was last time I looked! How is that meant to help get those who aren't working into work?
I have been communicating with the MP about it :roll: But he was very evasive :shock: and no help at all. Working Links did start to help me, but lost interest after the last driving instructor disappeared into the sunset.
Getting the guts up to apply for a loan is quite terrifying. I'm on benefits, so very restricted with what I can apply for. The fact I worked for 22 years, mostly full time (well, the last 6 years were 70 hours a week) don't help my cause, sadly.
Nice thing about being self emloyed would be chucking a child in the back while I'm teaching if they're home for some reason, and giving a free lesson! I've got the 308 to do this. The children know it's for "the business" 8-) and to be fair, it is still spotless! I would have liked a 207, but the children didn't really fit in the back! I actually wanted a 1007 (is that the teeny one?) or a Citroen C1, but they're only four seaters. Hard enough not taking the children's friend, never mind leaving a child behind if we go out!
In theory, there is a local agency who will pay for the dual controls and the signs on the car (not the roof) which I have already designed - well told my son what to draw!
It will be very part time at first, but my daughter wants to be a vet, and I'll be blowed if me being a lone-parent stops her. The Git won't help, that's very clear, but getting the children in a position where they want to be is my goal. One day I'll think of me - if I live that long! :roll:
I'm sure Sainsbury's made a lovely meal! Sounds lovely. And how handy your mum ironing some shirts!
I hope she's doing ok.
Glad you've got all the papers ready. My dad would always make me do forms in pencil first... And he was right as I always got them wrong. Not that you will - just incase. :D
Oooh noooo!.
Grrrrr. I so angry!
Louise not answer phone to mum. No night call to children. I go to drive to Romford and I break down on way. Have to wait for recovery. I missed my medication tonight, had to phone NHS direct to find out if I go loopy missing one 40mg dose. Doctor he don't know, say more likely I be shaky or sweaty or anxious in morning.
Louise phone Mum while I'm stranded, say she taken the children camping, and I not see children this weekend.
Recovery vehicle drop me off at mum's. Mum not talk to me while I am angry. She going to bed. I did swear once, mum not like it. She say leave house. Think I am losing it.
Louise still dictating to me. Makes me so cross. Louise say she taken advice. I need to step up the pressure on her. Court forms get filled out this weekend for sure. Someone help me with my anger!
Someone tell me at funeral to just take children and not return them, feel very tempted now louise just disappear with them again without telling me.
Oh help me! She fuel my anger with her thoughtlessness, yet louise say she not want my anger.
Mum say she have sleeping tablet, I take whole one to knock me out tonight. Not sure I want to wake up.
sy