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Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Oh yes those little pink things in the sky.... :lol:

Nicki it is really important that if he is putting the girls at risk at all that you put a stop to it, so you did the right thing, and he needs a solicitor's letter if neccessary. Is there anyone else you trust to be with him as he has the girls eg another family member? (his family I mean)

No wonder you are so worn down and tired with it all going on. it's good to see if you can build in any treats for you along the way, also to say that in some respects is DOES get a bit easier as you get into the swing of thing. Not massively but at least a bit :shock:

Take care


Posted on: July 9, 2009 - 1:43pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi there worndownand 2tired

You are absolutely right when you said:

its not the physical side of being a lone parent that exhausts me it the mental and emotional side of it

This is where a solicitor can help, I mean that if you have things set in stone, then you don't need to keep fretting, organising, questioning yourself if your are doing the best for your children. It would take a massive load off.

However, as we have discussed before either here, or in other groups, we need to set time aside to think about certain situations and then put it to one side, otherwise our thoughts hound us wherever we go! So rather than spend your day pondering the whys and wherefore's, hows and what ifs, sit down at 8am or 6pm or whenever suits you and contemplate everything, write things down and perhaps prepare a To Do list for things to think about/figure out tomorrow. Then at any other time of the day when worries crop up, you can consciously say, i will think about that at the allotted time.

It doesn't always work, but it does give you a break from the mental exhaustion!

Posted on: July 9, 2009 - 1:56pm

worndownand 2tired

hello again, sorry took a while to reply,

Is there anyone else you trust to be with him as he has the girls eg another family member? (his family I mean)

unfortunately his family arn't in the position to do this, as it stands now he hasnt seen the girls for 4 weeks although i did get a text last night thanking me for not letting him know about sports day and my oldest daughters football presentation!!! i really dont know where to go with it from here think i will book in to see a solicitor asap, would it be wrong of me to suggest parenting lesson??? i dont want to sound like im telling him what to do but he is so harsh with the things he says to them at times :evil: i really would like them to have a good relationship but i suppose theres not much more i can do, my youngest doesnt call him dad most of the time she calls him by his name and they havent asked for him once in the last 4 week.

sorry to moan on about this but someone elses view would be much appreciated :)

nicki x x

Posted on: July 18, 2009 - 9:33pm


Hi nicki

Perhaps that could be something to add to the list - him having a copy of the school calendar - then he will have all the dates for things like that. I've always done that with The Git, and once would text to remind him, but don't anymore. He's never been to anything in the primary school, other than the xmas concert because I buy him and his wife tickets.

Is that all you've heard from him?

I just feel until he agrees to be responsible, he can't really have the children, can he? He must be aware that driving without a licence is wrong. In a way, they're a bit too young to deciding on things.

I don't see why you can't suggest parenting lessons. As you say, it will be good to see a solicitor, and see if he would agree to what you want. Unfortunately, the non resident parent can't be 'made' to stick to an agreement, even if it's a Court order.

Sorry to sound negative there.

I hope you're doing ok otherwise.

Best wishes

Posted on: July 18, 2009 - 10:20pm


No it wouldn't be out of line for you to suggest parenting courses.. I've not met a parent (resident or non resident) yet! that couldn't get something from a parenting course, I have wholly positive experiences from the courses I've been on.

The fact that your youngest doesn't call him dad is nothing to worry about either, it's just a label, it means nothing to children, you could train your child to call him bob the b*stard, at the end of the day what ever your children call their 'father' (or if it was mummy for that matter) they will attach their own connotations to that label, it's just semantics. His actions and your actions will define their understanding of how parents should be... and sadly, if you happen to have a particularly negative role model, as a child, this is what you will project on your own child, down the line.. and the cycle goes on and on.. generally.

As a parent you should focus on your child, focus on positive things, let the world around you carry on and meanwhile shower your children with as much positive things, energy, what ever... a possible : )

That's how I see it anyway.

One thing though, no matter how negative you feel towards your EX, don't project that on your children, if your EX partner is as bad as you think he is, and in my case you couldn't get much worse, let them find out for them selves as the get older, and if he/she turns out to be a generally nice (like maybe he/she suddenly grows up)... then that can only be a positive thing for your children : )

: )

take care.

Posted on: July 18, 2009 - 11:20pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello nicki

I agree with what Bubblegum has said here, so I won't repeat it all, just add my two penn'orth ;)

You do need to see a solicitor, find one at Express your concerns about the children's safety and see what the solicitor thinks about parenting classes. He could see the children at a Child Contact Centre if he is not to be trusted with them in a car etc. Find your local one here Also he can contact the school and supply them with a stack of SAEs and ask them to post him copies of parents letters. It is not up to you to tell him everything, it is up to him to make contact with the school.

Best wishes

Posted on: July 19, 2009 - 8:33am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi worndownand 2tired

Your ex sounds quite similar to mine! It is stressful, but bubblegum is right

As a parent you should focus on your child, focus on positive things, let the world around you carry on and meanwhile shower your children with as much positive things, energy, what ever... a possible : )

Its all you can do, my ex used to have my daughter in the front seat of the car with no seatbelt and thrash down the motorway to London while smoking spliff and music blaring, getting road rage with anyone that dared get in his way. I used to think that this is just him and this is the way he has always been. However, it is the childrens safety that comes first and you have every right to not allow it.

Going to the solicitors is the best thing you can do, they can tell you what can and can't be done. He is not going to change overnight, but having to go through legal proceedings might make him grow up a bit and face his responsibilities ...... or not as the case may be. :?

He is their father and you can't change that, so just keep open with them, let them know what is acceptable and what is not, not saying that Daddy is wrong, just the behaviour.

FYI - After many court proceedings, my ex decided it was too much like hard work eventually. Blessing in disguise for me and as time also told, good for my daughter too. :shock:

Posted on: July 21, 2009 - 12:17pm


helo all

im kat i live in birmingham im 33 and have 5 children all girls 10,9,6,5,and 5months have just split with my husband he was agressive and abusive and i finally hit that point where enough is enough
at the moment im going through a rollercoaster of emotions about both present and future but i know this will hopefully settle soon
my first 2 children are from my ex partner who we dont have any contact with my husband took them on as his own when they were 1 and 2 yrs old but now things have become so bitter between us that he has made it clear to them hes not their dad and never was which i think is very cruel and it only reconfirms that i made the right decision when i decided he had to go
i have a new baby and its hard much harder than before it seems ... i start back at university in sept which iam looking forward to but am a bit worried i might find it toomuch of a struggle without my husband to help me but hey im going to try! i need that focus for myself
im here because i would like to make some new friends who are maybe in a similar situation to myself and hopefully we can support/advise each other
i look forward to getting to know u all :)

Posted on: July 22, 2009 - 10:08am


Hi xxkadxx

I'm so glad you've left an abusive relationship. Hopefully the older girls can help a little with the baby - even if its getting a nappy!

That's one thing about studying, as you say, it is something for you.

Take care, and looking forward to chatting with you.

Posted on: July 22, 2009 - 12:57pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

xxkadxx good for you returning to University! What are you going to study? Do you have a good support network around you. Us single parents manage to pull all sorts of magic tricks out of our hats when needed so, it might be difficult, but you will do it and make your girls and all of us proud! Come and have a chat on the Relationships and You, where we have discussed abusive ex partners and share difficult experiences and also try and uncover our real thoughts that are often a bit distorted after being around an abusive partner.

Are you getting support from Womens Aid? Or visited a Freedom Programme?

Posted on: July 22, 2009 - 2:42pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi again kat

Do get your whole family to pull together. My boys were 3 and 8 when I went back to college (evening class) after becoming a single parent. The 8 year old was a dab hand at putting the little one's night nappy on for many months (he has some learning difficulties and was behind on a few milestones).......because the little one "didn't want the babysitter woman to see his bottom"! :oops:

It is great to see you here and I hope we can also give our support as you move forward

Posted on: July 22, 2009 - 4:46pm


xxkadxx I am also at University - I just finished my first year. It was a bit of a struggle for me in my first year as my daughter was still very young and childcare was difficult - luckily my mum and gorgeous sister-in-law were both really helpful and supportive - but I did miss some lectures and survived on very little sleep towards the end of the year! However, the hard work paid off and I got top grades in all my modules. My mantra was "This is costing me thousands in debt: I had better make it worth it!" My advice would be to make sure you have all your childcare organised and that your friends and family are aware of your pressures and can help you out when the going gets tough... Personally, university was the best thing I could have done and has made me so happy: to know that there is a bright future ahead and that I can be a good example to my daughter has really spurred me on when the going gets tough. Perhaps we can help each other through it? Michele xxx

Posted on: July 26, 2009 - 7:05pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi wizzy thank you for sharing that, you are an inspiration! Going back into education is a challenge at any stage of life, but especially when you are bringing up children alone. Way to go! :D

Posted on: July 28, 2009 - 9:47am


Hi All

I have been a single parent for 8 months. I have two wonderful children, who have been though such alot in their short lifes so far.
My ex and I just fell out of love. We had been together for 20 years, married for 10. Never argued, we were just made for each other. It started going wrong before I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, but seem to be put on hold, when I founded out in January 2006. After going though a major operation and a reconstruction, and then nearly dying, That the words in our marriage vows in sickness and in health - really opened my eyes.
I then had chemo for 6 months, Radiotherphy for 20 days, and Herpertin for 1 year. My ex was gud to begin with, but could not come and hold my hand, when i needed him most. My ex has a job aboard, he also lives there, and has done for 3 years.
I coped on my own, with treatment and looking after the house and bringing up our children. It has made me a very strong person. Without my dad, my friends and my family, I would have fallen apart. Even when we were together, I was never number 1 in his life. When returning from aboard, his first point of call, was his friends. Even his children took 2nd best.

I made the decision to end our marriage, due to the fact (it gets worse). Last September, my daughter went to spend two weeks with her dad, at his place of work for work experience. He invited someone from work back to his, made her a meal in front of my daughter, got drunk. Then in the middle of the night, my daughter caught him in bed with her. My daughter told me this on MSN. He told me he did nothing(so what was he doing lying in bed, with someone else). He has since admitted it. But his relationship with his daughter, is one of not treating her very nice (like its her fault). She took an overdose not long ago, not only that, but it also affected her studying for her exams. I have become a very strong person, and my outlook on life has changed. I also dont look back, only forward. My saying is "Today is a good day", "Yesterday has gone", and "tomorrow will be better".
Thank you for reading this, and together we all can make a difference. Allway remember to look forward and never back. Life is too short, and we only get one chance. live for today! x ;)

Posted on: August 9, 2009 - 1:41am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Shaz

Thank you for your post, in particular thank you for sharing your mantras and the way you got through your very darkest days. I guess when you get into a crisis situation, like your cancer diagnosis, then you really find out who is batting on your side. I hope you are well now?

Your poor daughter! She must have been horrified when all that happened. It is upsetting enough for children to have a parent who is seriously ill, but then for the other parent to undermine her trust in that way is dreadful. Has she got some ongoing support? I know there are sometimes counsellors attached to schools and colleges or she could go to Relateen (a part of Relate especially for teenagers affected by their parents' separation) Find your local office here:

I am glad you had the support of your dad through all this and good friends (worth their weight in gold :) ) Hope you make some new online friends here too.

Posted on: August 9, 2009 - 9:53am



I'm Katie (hence the username lol) I'm 21 and single mum to 17 month old Jake. I was with my ex for 4 months when I fell pregnant, he was over the moon when I told him. He asked me to move in with him and marry him. I decided to stay at home with my mum (he lived in harrogate, me in leeds) where I knew I could have the support I needed because I was only 19 and very scared! Lol. He changed then and starting sleeping around with people at work (where we met). I ended it and decided that if needs be I would go it alone. My ex last saw Jake when he was 3 months old when he asked me to get back with him, I said no and he said he would find it too difficult to carry on seeing Jake under the circumstances!! (very angry indeed!!) Since then we've had no contact with him (except through the CSA) and have to support from him either emotionally or financially (he keeps changing jobs and homes so we can't find him). I am happier being on my own and have no desire to start seeing anybody else in the near future! I enjoy it being me and my boy against the world :) Just not looking forward to the inevitable questions from Jake as he grows up :?

Posted on: August 9, 2009 - 1:29pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello katie

Good to have you here :D You know what? One of the most difficult things for some people is to separate out their feelings for the other parent from their possible involvement with their child.....and this is sadly something Jake's dad appears to have struggled with. I am glad you have you Mum's support and have decidede to be happily single for the time being. There's no need to worry just yet about what to tell Jake, as he won't question things until he sees other children with dads and wonders about his; I would imagine he would be around four before this happens and who knows what your situation will be then? And then it is fine to say "I don't know why he deosn;t see you and I am sorry you are sad".

Anyway I do hope you will join in the threads, look forward to getting to know you!

Posted on: August 9, 2009 - 4:31pm


I'm 30 and became a single mum to a beautiful 4 yr old and a 2 week old baby on my 30th birthday. A milestone in life, turned out to be exactly that!
When I discovered I was pregnant my husband announced he wasn't sure about our marriage anymore... perfect timing! After much discussion we agreed that we had to make a go of it. A few weeks later I discovered some 'rather cosy' msgs between him and a girl from his work. I confronted him. He said he'd been flattered by the attention and would tell her to leave him alone. 8 mths later and I knew something still wasn't right. 2 weeks after my son was born we had an enourmous row, again with him 'I'm not sure what I want anymore'. But yet again, we talked and he agreed we had to keep trying. Days later I found he had been calling the other girl the night of our row. As far as I had been told she left his place of work xmas time and he'd not seen or spoken to her since. I've since found out she returned when I was about 6 mths and he'd kept it hidden from me. We've now been apart for 3mths and suprise suprise, he's now with her...yet they were just friends?! I'm slowly starting to realise we will be ok on our own (hence my name!)and I can manage without him, and actually, I dont want someone for me or my children who can lie and cheat on his pregnant wife. The hardest part to overcome is that the man I adored and worshipped could do this to me and seemingly switch off from his wife and family with no regard for them.
My son is the most beautiful boy in the world and I wouldn't change him for anything. My daughter is the kindest, gentlest little girl. What I feel angry about is how they will feel when they grow up as he, to be fair, still wants to play an active part in their lives... for now anyway. My immediate worry.. letting the girl who tore apart my family, near my children.
Everyday is still a battle, but it's becoming less so and although I'm not on another path yet... I hope I will be soon! :D

Posted on: August 12, 2009 - 1:01pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi there we're_a_team. Welcome to One Space. Thanks for sharing your story.

It is great to read that although you are only 3 months in to single parenthood, you already feel like a team with your two little ones. You have overcome the first hurdle!

The hardest part to overcome is that the man I adored and worshipped could do this to me and seemingly switch off from his wife and family with no regard for them.

It does seem so strange, but on these boards you will find it not unusual, you may find that Pansy has some words of understanding for you on this one!

My immediate worry.. letting the girl who tore apart my family, near my children

Please remind yourself that it was your ex husband that tore your family apart, not the girl. I agree that she played her part, messing with a married man, but he took those steps when he was the one with the family. So unless she gives you any grief, direct your anger at him, not her, she may well have been deceived by him and probably will be treated the same 5 years down the line.

Posted on: August 12, 2009 - 1:27pm


Have just read through all the inspirational stories on here. I must say, I may have had a bit of a rough time recently but so far, I'm incredibly lucky. He keeps to his access times with the children. He pays an agreed maintenance monthly. He's even agreed to a divorce for adultery and that he won't contest it. Maybe I have it all to come but for the moment, I should be very grateful for what I have and be of the mindset that he's the one who's lost out... not me :D

Posted on: August 12, 2009 - 2:02pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

It is great to see that you have such a positive attitude towards it all. It is not going to be easy and I bet you have been through a hellish time. But life is sooo much easier looking at the pluses rather than the minuses!

Remember we are here for fun and friendship, not just heartache and misery!! :D

Posted on: August 12, 2009 - 2:29pm


Hi I'm Claire and 25

When I was 19 I met a much older guy( he was 35). It wasnt anything too serious and I wanted to be careful as he already had a 9year old daughter living with him.

We all got on well and it was quite a surprise when I found out I was pregnant. I had a very rough pregnancy and was sick the whole time and nearly taken to hospital as I lost so much weight. My ex partner was fantastic (call it hormones) but we became a lot closer and I really thought that we could make it work, so we moved in together.

my daughter was born and within a week he had changed, if I didnt know better I would think it was because she was a girl and not a boy.(he really wanted a son) By the time my daughter was 5 months, I was convinced that he was seeing someone else, one day my daughter went blue and was stuggling to breathe, I phoned his work to find that he wasnt working that day (so where was he!), my daughter was fine and recovered quickly but it was very scary.

One night we had an arguement (it was something getting worse) when he told me to F*** off and take the brat with me.

So at 11pm I packed a bag for my daughter phoned my parents and we moved out. We have not heard anything from him since and my daughter is now 4.5yrs old and due to start school this september. It has been very hard and to those who say we get pregnant to get a council house good luck! I'm still waiting and have been told that my daughter is likely to go to university before I get one.!(long waiting list).

It has forced me to cope being alone and i am more confident in being a parent than I was when I was with my ex, somehow you just seem to keep going. I would chance anything My daughter is the best thing to have happenned to me!

Posted on: August 12, 2009 - 5:04pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hey there squeak2711

Thanks for sharing your story here. Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? Have a look at this link and see if there are any courses running in your area as it sounds as if you were living with an abusive partner and this programme can help you sort your thoughts out regarding yourself, him and your daughter.

I think I said it in another post, but him disappearing from your life, may well be a blessing in disguise. It is great to hear that you feel you are parenting your daughter better. You are going to be a fab mum, keep up the good work. :D

Posted on: August 13, 2009 - 11:04am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi again squeak 2711

Thanks for sharing your story :)

You're right, there is this media MYTH that you get a council house when you get pregnant. I was reading in the paper the other day (so it must be true! :lol: ) that there are waiting lists of almost 100 years in some areas. I do feel (oh oh....soap box time :? ) that there is a disgraceful shortage of affordable/social housing in this country.

Anyway well done you for getting where you are today and you are very welcome to have joined us!

Posted on: August 13, 2009 - 11:33am


I had been single for a long time when I met my ex. With hindsight, the problems were there from the start - he would always get very drunk when we went out and would be irrationally jealous over all sorts of silly things. Anyway, he moved in after about 4 months and when we'd been together 10 months I got pregnant (we were 'not trying not to', so it was good news). That was when the violence really started (I never quite believed that was true until it happened to me). He was a sh1t throughout the pregnancy, but somehow I believed the promises that the drinking would stop when the baby was born. It didn't and neither did the violence, bullying or name calling. Our daughter was ill at birth and spent a week in special care and all he did was drink. It got worse when I went back to work, as I was accused of having affairs with all and sundry. The final straw came when he threw a phone at me when I was lying in bed with our ill daughter (13 months old at the time). The phone hit me hard in the face, missing my baby by literally inches. That's when I realised she was really in danger. Things are still difficult - he turned up at my house steaming drunk at 2am this morning shouting that he wanted to see our daughter and kicked the back door in - had to call the police out again.

I haven't forgiven myself for how much I allowed him to change me and how much I put up with before finally breaking away. I also feel real sorrow for the family I thought I was going to have and particularly for the fact that my daughter is probably now going to grow up an only child. I feel I've let her down and desperately want to be a good role model to her. Anyway, the whole thing is still pretty painful, but I'm starting to realise that I'm not alone - reading everyone else's stories on here has helped.

Posted on: August 15, 2009 - 9:35pm


Hi Dolittle
You are very brave
We all lose ourselves to some extent when we r in a relationship (sometimes without realising it, just to please them) and its really hard not to be with someone u love even though you know that relationship wasn't good for you - unfortunately head and heart are more often than not not in sync! I think the hardest part for me is the loss of the dreams for the future even though if I'm honest they probably wouldn't be in reality how I saw them in my head. As for your daughter all she needs is love and you, nothing else, so don't feel guilty and if she stays an only child she will be so special and loved that it wont matter, it will be u and your girl against the world with the freedom to do what you when you want without having to answer to anyone!! Good luck to you

Posted on: August 15, 2009 - 9:49pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Dolittle

Lots of wise words there from mousie (mousie, I am glad you are back from your hols, we have missed you! :D )

Thanks for sharing your story, Dolittle. As you have found, reading other peoples' stories can make you realise that you're not alone, and other will read yours and take heart.

I know you are struggling to forgive yourself right now and I think many of us can relate to that. I can remember very clearly feeling soooo guilty about giving my boys a rubbish dad. But when you are emotionally involved it is hard to see at the time. You WILL get better over time and look forward to a good future. If he still comes round to your house then that is not helping. Keep a log and if it continues you will have a record. Also calling the police is good as this a. builds up a picture and b. shows him you will not be side tracked. In the end you may have to seek legal advice to get an injunction against him for harrassment :( but let us hope things will calm down for you and it won't come to that. The main thing is to get on with your life and enjoy the time with your little girl.

Be strong for your lovely daughter, she will be fine with you for a mum :D

Posted on: August 16, 2009 - 7:58am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Dolittle

If it is any consolation, I split with my partner who was violent when my daughter was small. One thing that helped me through it was reminding myself that I didn't want her to see me undermined by him, for her to think that I was as rubbish as he told me I was. And for her to grow up to believe in herself. I too worried that she would be an only child and thought that if I could just have one more child with him, then going it alone wouldn't be so bad, but a year after splitting I did get pregnant, but realised that a) he didn't deserve to have another child in this world, to mess up their heads and lives (yes I guess I was playing god, but I had the choice to) and b) I was actually in no fit mental state to raise another child!

I am so glad that things are the way they are now, my daughter is 14yrs old now and we have had a ball! She is a diamond and I am so proud of her. We have had our difficulties with ex, the police, lack of money or groovy clothes :? but on the whole we are both happy people and I try and remember to pat myself on the back and remind myself that I did this. Things would be very difficult if I had stayed with him and played life his way.

So have no regrets, you have a daughter and your health, enjoy what is to come and who knows what is round the corner!!! You might have a family of 4 in five years time!! Just tread cautiously with future relationships and remember that you can now look back and see those warning signs from your previous partner, that you chose to ignore, keep your eyes wide open for them in any new partner.

Phew, that was long, sorry! 8-) Take care of you and your little one. :)

Posted on: August 17, 2009 - 11:07am


It's good to see your story Anna. You've achieved so much.

I did post my homelessness tale the other night, that I did for the housing people I volunteered for - and deleted it! Far too long... I wouldn't know where to start with the marriage.

Posted on: August 17, 2009 - 1:05pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I would just like to say that it is fab to hear people share their experiences and give others the reassurance and information they seek, thanks Anna!

Sparkling lime, your input is always very welcome :D

Posted on: August 17, 2009 - 1:34pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Gee thanks you guys :? :oops: :oops: ;)

Posted on: August 17, 2009 - 4:25pm


hi my name is louise from glasgow im 37 and seperated at the age of 31 my son is 17 now and my daughter is 13 i seperated from my ex as he was taking cannabis and drink ive never drank smoke or took drugs always trying to show him the right path anyways he became violent and verbally abusive we had to leave our home several times and go into refuge we came back home and i have to pay a mortgage from my benefits he dont pay a penny my son is a student and life is a struggle but i have my good days and bad days like anyone else people tell me louise just walk away from the debt and house the council will hve to house u but i am too proud and ashamed of my situation im trapped i cant get divorced because i cant afford to buy his share out my home is shared ownershi which means we only own half of the property between us and he would have to agree to sell back to housing association but he blanks everything and im in so much pain im hurting so bad we have to live on very little and food is a luxury for us x

Posted on: August 18, 2009 - 3:05am


Hi Louise37

Loads of virtual hugs.

I'm not sure how different things are in Scotland compared to England and Wales. I also feel I'm getting very personal in asking if you are claiming all that you can? You could well qualify for housing benefit to help cover your housing costs. You are also the only adult in the house, which could mean a reduction in council tax.

Citizens Advice might be able to help give you advice on how to cope with your debts and help make up a budget plan. Have you spoken to the lone-parent advisor at the job centre? The one I see is so helpful.

In my case the family home had to be sold to pay of debts. Debts within a marriage are considered (or were five years ago) to be joint. While buying him out may not be an option selling and having a negotiated split (I had 75%, which was £2500 - ex was generous and only took two thirds of what was due to him), as you need to provide a home for your children.

My ex wouldn't agree to sell the family home at first (and they were his debts), but after two months with me refusing to pay anything that wasn't mine he did finally agree.

The children and I were declared homeless when the house I found to rent was sold. We are now in social housing. I can't say that I've ever felt ashamed about this, as we were so grateful to be allocated a house. I do, however, hate living on benefits. It feels such a trap.

Debt can make life such a nightmare, when life can be hard enough without that.

Loads more hugs. Please, so try and see CAB. They can help as they're not personally involved. Just maybe having an outside view point might help make things clearer.

Posted on: August 18, 2009 - 10:21am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Louise

Hello from another Louise here! Welcome to One Space and I hope you find lots of useful information here as well as fun and friendship. I have a couple of websites for you to have a look at, of ogansations that can help you in your financial difficulties.

You do need to think very seriously about your housing options. If it means going back into rented accommodation then at least you should be able to claim some Housing Benefit and also at least then you would have some money for other necessities such as food. I know you have had a very rough time with the father of your children but you have a whole life ahead of you and can move forward and find a good future!

Posted on: August 18, 2009 - 10:56am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Louise37, welcome to One Space and thank you for sharing your story, struggling with a mortgage and having a teenager at college, must be incredibly hard. We are in the process of creating a new part of the site which will be about Debt and the Recession, we have a handful of experts who will be able to guide and support you. So keep your eyes out. You will be sent an e-newsletter about it.

Sparklinglime has mentioned some really good places to contact, please get in touch with them as living like this is very stressful and you need all the support you can get.

Look forward to speaking to you some more.

Posted on: August 19, 2009 - 12:16pm


sorry to hear about your situation. I'm glad you found this site.
so a hello & welcome from me too.

Posted on: September 7, 2009 - 4:30pm


HI, there
I am new to this site.
My daughter's father is going to start seeing her in a supervised centre very soon.The thought of it is hurting soo much...because I know he is a fake and he can't teach her anything right...he is a patological liar...he can not live if he doesn't lie about things.He has done soo many things just using my daughter to revenge on me because I refused to accept his lies and the life we used to have...he never lived with us ,though...he was in and out when he felt like.My daughter needs stability and love, not somebody who whants to be father only when it is suitable for him.He is dragging me through Courts now...and despite everything he has done to us he will probably get away with it that fair??? I find it very difficult to accept the situation and not to fear for my child as I don't trust him a bit. Usually I am a calm person but now that everything comes near as time , the contact and the Court hearings , I feel a bit scared and lost.I wish to have the confidence to walk there with my head up and be able to give my evidence without shaking but I am afraid I will be so nervous and I won't remember anything .This is it really.

Posted on: September 9, 2009 - 12:01pm


Hi miky,

Your story sound very much like mine, it's now four and a half years later for me and she no longer wants to see the kids.

She too used every thing to try and get at me and I think the best thing to do is just ignore it, I did and she eventually got bored when she realised it was having no effect. For one thing her behaviour ensured that supervised contact carried on, as in supervised.. as the whole worrying thing about supervised contact, with me anyway, was they were always going on about 'moving it on' where I would ask, at which point they would get very socialworkerish and woolly and mumble on for five minuets about social workerieish crap.

Just document everything, start a diary dedicated to contact, my wife was nearly always late, didn't turn up, behaved inappropriately, questioning the kids about me, feeding them an endless supply of junk and sweets, bags of plastic toys, just generally undermining me as a parent... Don't let it get to you, I know it does, I hated the stress of the whole contact session thing every two weeks. Don't let contact staff make you do anything you feel unsure about, or at the very least question them about everything, I did, they got fed up with me in the end but at least they knew I wasn't going to let them just push my children through their system to meet their needs..

I never actually had to stand up and say anything in any of the court hearings, my solicitor just went off and talked to her solicitor and asked me a few questions.. I did have to stand up and listen to the Judge go on about how disappointed he was that two people couldn't come to an amicable agreement, and a load of other completely irrelevant to me and my situation rubbish, he obviously didn't know my wife very well : ) but that was just like being told off by a headmaster and I just sort of nodded my head and said thank you after : )

I do feel for you though having been through it, but it does get better, even if it's just that your X changes and starts being something positive in your child's life.

Take care, it'll be OK in the end... and you can look back on it in a few years and go ha! ha! : )

Posted on: September 9, 2009 - 1:00pm


I was until 8 weeks ago a fairly happily married lady with two beautiful children (3 and 7). I had been with my soon to be ex husband for 16 years and married for 11 years. An ex girlfriend of over 20 years ago contacted him on facebook with her mobile number and hey presto the affair started. I found out within a week of it starting and an then took a week to tell him to leave. He promptly set up home with her and has now stopped paying me any money and just about visits the kids once a week. I can cope with losing a lying cheating *** but how can these men just walk out of one life and into another without a second thought for their childrens happiness and the mental torture caused to their childrens mothers. He said he cannot visit the kids for too long as she gets very jealous in case I jump on him (as if!). He even had the cheek to turn up with love bites on his neck (nice) and he is 45 years old and the new tart is 46. I cannot believe I have wasted 16 years on such a low life and now have a life in tatters whilst trying to take care of my children and take him to court.

Would love to hear from anybody who has been there seen it and done it! Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Does the pain get less and the loneliness and easier to bear?

Posted on: September 9, 2009 - 9:22pm


Hi emski

I'm five years down the road, and yes, you will survive, and yes it will get better. Although living it at the time, you can't see it.

The support here is fantastic.

Whilst The Git (um, my ex!) gives very little time to the children, and avoids paying maintenance, there's not a lot I can do about it. It took me about three years to 'just' accept it.

It's amazing the strength we find from and for our children.

Posted on: September 9, 2009 - 9:36pm



Sending hugs and strength your way.

Posted on: September 9, 2009 - 9:37pm


Hey Emski
I know exactly how you feel - its like there are no consequences at all for what they have done...and all the laws seem to be on their side...we'll just have to put our faith in Karma...otherwise we would all get arrested and wouldn't be able to look after our beautiful little children :lol:
Every night before I go to sleep I look at my little girl (she has just turned 4) and I think whoever it is you are with she couldn't be better than this!!!

Posted on: September 9, 2009 - 10:50pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi micky

bubblegum says:
“Just document everything, start a diary dedicated to contact, my wife was nearly always late, didn't turn up, behaved inappropriately, questioning the kids about me, feeding them an endless supply of junk and sweets, bags of plastic toys, just generally undermining me as a parent..”.

I completely understand the feelings you are going through I went through very similar, as bubblegum so obviously did too.

From my experience court trials and access cases are often pursued by ex partners to make life more difficult for the other parent, and to have the access that they feel they deserve. Its just another drama in their lives, either to prove what a great person they are or to be reminded that their life is not fair.

As bubblegum says, either way try not to let it get to you. If he truly wants the best for his child, that can only be a good thing. If you ignore any intimidation he will soon get bored.

Have you been in touch with Womens Aid, because his antics do sound like abuse??

It is a childs right to see their parent not the other way around. Interesting what bubblegum says,

Posted on: September 10, 2009 - 11:46am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi emski

Welcome to One Space! Thanks for sharing your story.

What a shock for you to have him leave you for an ex girlfriend.

how can these men just walk out of one life and into another without a second thought for their childrens happiness

This is a question that has been asked time and time again on this site. I guess some people prioritise things in their life differently to others. :?

How are the children?

Posted on: September 10, 2009 - 12:10pm


Anna wrote:
From my experience court trials and access cases are often pursued by ex partners to make life more difficult for the other parent, and to have the access that they feel they deserve. Its just another drama in their lives, either to prove what a great person they are or to be reminded that their life is not fair

Anne, that is just soooooo true : )

Posted on: September 10, 2009 - 5:01pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Some people seem to live in such a crazy world of game playing and deceit. Sometimes I would love to let them have a break so they could realise that life is not that bad; and they don't have to be in such a whirlwind of anger and defensiveness, so rather than acting like they are small children scared of the outside world. They feel the safeness of their own skin.

How are you bubblegum? Looking forward to your Friday evening?? :)

Posted on: September 11, 2009 - 8:56am


Anna wrote:
How are you bubblegum? Looking forward to your Friday evening?? :)

Actually, funny you should mention it but! this Friday is the day I give up wine for ever...



Posted on: September 11, 2009 - 9:54am


I'm actually hoping my friend from down the road comes and shares a bottle of wine with me tonight. If not, I'll just drink it! My son is off camping, and so I don't have to go out at 9.30pm to collect him! :D

Good luck bubblegum....

Posted on: September 11, 2009 - 12:49pm


Hi Im MummyEmma1991... I Became Single As Soon As I Became Pregant I Was Seeing The Boy For About 3years Happily In Love.. He Was Very Violent Before I Got Pregnant.. I Wouldnt Be Able To Go Home For Like 2 weeks In A Row... Anyways 2 Years And Maybe 3 Months Later I Became Pregnant I Was At The Doctors Feeling Ill && Sorry For Myself When I Came Back From Urine Sample He Turned To Me And Asked Me How I Would Feel If I Was Pregnant All I Remember Is Saying I Would Rather Kill Myself, And Breaking Down.
Soo That Night I Went Round To The Boyfriends He Told Me He Didnt Want Nothing To Do With Me Or The Baby I Finally Went Home && Told My Mum.. Now I Have My Beautiful Baby Boy Havent Heard From His Dad Since

Posted on: September 14, 2009 - 5:13pm


Hi MummyEmma
You sound as if you've come a long way, and done really well. Well done for getting out of the violent relationship. I was in one years ago, and it took me a long time to actually come to my senses as it were.
I'm glad to hear you are happy, and now you have a beautiful baby. You sound like a strong lady.
Take care
x :)

Posted on: September 14, 2009 - 5:23pm