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Hi I am a single mum but why do I feel so alone?


HI,my name is M.  I am new to this and  I am not quite sure how it all works.

I am a 38 year old and I am a single mum to a beautiful 3 1/2 year old little girl. Her father did not want to know us from when  was 6 weeks pregnent and I have never seen him since. I have dealt with the all pregnency on my own and all of these hard 3 and half years rasing my girl.

I do not have any finacial support by the father and I have two jobs to pay the house , which I own and the bills. I am a very dedicated mum and I spend my time working and looking after her. I do not have any family support either. However I do have good friends.

I do struggle a lot as I am so tired from working and i do not get any brakes from my lovely daughter and have 10min for myself. I see all my friends who have partners or husbands enjoyng themselves while their other half is having the child or children. Also I feel so lonley on week ends when  family time my friends have husbans or boyfriends and or their parents around while is just me and my daughter on our own.

I feel as if everybody have a life and I do not. Even my few single friends are now happy in a relation.Why can I not find one too?What is wrong with me?

I have been in a couple of relation ship but I have yet again got my heart broken in so many peaces but I really miss a companion and a patner to share life with. I do not want to spend my last few years of my youth on my own . Yes I know I am not on my own and I do enjoy my daughter , I would not change anything but I feel so alone ....struggling with 2 jobs and not patner or family support, a hard child to handle , still dreaming and beliving that one day I could find someone that can embrace my daughter and I and finally find the missing pieve of the puzzle! No more lonly night on my own!

Is it just me feeling like this or is there someone else out there in the same boat?

Thank you for lissening

Ps. By the way English is not my first language and I can not find the speel check thingy!!! ;-)



Posted on: July 12, 2010 - 10:16pm

Your spelling is great.  Don't worry, I understand completely.

Welcome to One Space.

While I totally know where you're coming from when you talk about your friends being in relationships, here we can give you a bit of company - even though it isn't quite what you mean.

I do get lonely - strangely enough, I'm feeling that way at the mo, and can't explain why, as most of the time I know I'm ok as I am - and perfectly happy to be truthful.

I have had a relationship since my divorce, and it has shown to me that I am ok as I am - on my own - as it turns out he is such a similar character to my ex - although he does have nicer personality!!

Please do keep posting.  I look forward to learning more about you.


Posted on: July 12, 2010 - 10:50pm
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello Butterfly

How are you doing? It is great to have you here, welcome! Your English is fine, by the way:-)

Reading your post two things come across very strongly, you are tired and you are lonely. Even though you have good friends they don't understand your situation. Well, we at One Space do understand and can give you support and a place online to share with others.

On a practical basis, are you and your daughter's father both in the Uk? I am just thinking about the Child Support Agency, to get some money for you. In any case, it sounds as if you need to think about some social contacts, even as simple as getting a babysitter one evening a week and going to a nightclass or social group. Whereabouts are you in the country?

You're right: although parenting is rewarding it is very hard work and you need and deserve some enjoyable times on your own and with other adults.

Keep posting, we are here for you


Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 8:52am

Hi Butterfly, welcome to One Space. We all know what you mean when you say you're lonely, so hopefully we can help you through that. As much as we love and adore our children it can be extremely difficult being on our own. You also work very hard too, so it must be tiring juggling everything. Does your little girl go to Nursery or anything? Perhaps there are single parents there? Weekends are the hardest too I think. Everyone seems to be doing stuff with partners etc.

I hope you keep posting here. As well as serious chats, we also have a laugh, so please join in :)

Take care



Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 11:01am

Hello butterfly,

I LOVE the name you chose! butterfly's mean a lot to me, they come as a sign for me sometimes, I can be weird now & then.

Your english is excellent, better than mine, I need the spell check thingy much more than you do!

I really feel for you, it's awful feeling so lonley. You are doing so much & you must be so tired!  you deserve some fun & some rest. Louise had some good suggestions. As for relationships, they come along when your not expecting them sometimes, I'm sure you won't be alone forever. 

we all come on here to have a chat, not just to be serious, no one minds you joining in, that's what onespace is here for. I have been on here a year now & I come & go, others like to come on everyday & give support to others & chat too. make use of it here how you want, it will be lovely to get to know you.



Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 11:57am

Hello Butterfly,
you are so amazing, working and raising your daughter. Your English is very good.

Big hug for you :)

Are you sure you are getting all the benefits and help you are entitled to?

Louise, Anna and Helen T should be able to help you soon.

Keep posting

Hug sy

Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 12:28pm
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Butterfly - I love your name too! They always make me think of Freedom!

It can be sooo hard raising our children on our own, however sometimes I think we have to give thanks that we are not doing it in a difficult, lonely or trapped relationship.  We get the best of our children (oh, and the worst too of course!)

I am glad to see that you have some good friends, they are so important. Are you able to join any groups?  Have a look at Your Local, maybe there is something going on near you where you might meet other parents?  You could also have a look at Netmums Meet A Mum, however it is not just single parents looking for friends, but you never know who you might meet. Let us know if you use it and how it goes :)

As for relationships, I used to think I needed the missing piece of the puzzle too, however, we need to see our family as whole, otherwise our children may grow to think something is missing too. It doesn't sound like you have much time for relationships at the mo Butterfly! Why not take a break from thinking about that part of your life.  Let us support you in making your life feel complete as it is.

You won't always be on your own, apparently the average a single parent is a single parent is 7 years.

If you have a Google toolbar you can click on the ABC with a tick box, otherwise, don't worry about it, we certainly aren't!

What is your first language??

Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 5:51pm

Hi Louise, thank you for your kind message, I have been living in the Uk for 19 years,I moved when I was 19. The biological father leaves here in uk too only around the corner but I have never seen him again. I decided to do it on my own. It is not worth it! I leave in Reigate and I am about to look about social group and nightclasses. I would have to pay for teh baby sitter tho which is expensive but it will be worthit. I spend most of my money in baby sitters as when I am at work I have to pay for them. My daughter goes to a pay nursery when I work in the office which I get help for about 80% but when I teach I pay for the baby sitters so half of what I own goes there. THank you for being here for me and understanding. I just do not know from where to start. Anyway how about you? Are you ok?

Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 7:33pm

HI Anna,

First of all thank you to all of you and your reply they def make me feel so welcome :-) My first language is Italian but I ahve been in UK for so long that I feel more English! I will look at your local and at meet a mum I just do not know where and how to look for support, that is why I have joined one spece.

I have never thought of what you have just said ,about thinking of my family as whole otherwise my little precious one might also think that something is missing!

 I will now stop thinking that , however I so would love to be in a serious relationshiop. I do not want or like to be on my own but at the same time I know I need to be happy before I can find happiness with someone else. But why I can not find someone to love me!!!Everybody do!? I know I do not want to be on my own for 7 years! I wish I was like someone thatis quite happy on their own. I hope you can help me feeling complete. Thank you soooo much for being here for me x


Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 7:47pm

HI Alison, thank you for your kind reply. My daughter goes to Nursery when I work and when not I am with her. I would love to kepp in touch with all of you I need to figger out how it works tho! HOw are you ?

Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 7:51pm

Hello Butterfly,

I used to work in Reigate. I am quite fond of it as a town. Lots of coffee shops and a castle and grounds at its heart. Sigh.


Hug sy

Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 8:00pm

Hi Butterfly,

Welcome to One Space. It sounds like you extremly organised and motivated; two jobs, a child and a mortgage is certainly impressive stuff. However it is a very frustrating place to be when you are paying such a large amount of your hard earned salary in childcare!

What I'm hearing from your post's is that you are in need of adult company, being a single parent can be so lonely. I too agree with Anna's post; you and your daughter are a family unit and perfect as you are!

It can be really hard to meet new people, especially a partner and there are just so many things to consider when you have a child. Do you have any hobbies? There are often classes (dance, yoga etc) available locally that might be a great place to meet new people.


Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 8:03pm

There are some local dance classes listed here:

and Yoga classes here:


Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 8:05pm

Hi , thank you so much for your reply. I am a fitness instructor as well as working in the office, so I work during the day in the office Monday to Wed and Thursday, Friday some sat and Sundays I teach high impact Aerobic classes ( attack, combat,pump step, general body conditioning, lbt ) I normally do 7 a week.

 I love teaching as I have fun with my partecipants , I forget about my problems and lonleyness. It makes me feel good as I am helping them in achiving fitness and getting toned and loosing weight.

 I like the morning classes as mainly mum who look at me as an inspiration ( do not ask why!!!) and think that if I can look toned and slim after a baby they can too and I am helping them to achive that. I also like teaching the evening ones as are mainly office people who wants a hard work out and it is my adult time but it is still work.  

I am a very sociable outgoing, crazy person, with a hunger for life and bigger then life as some friends said!I have a different range of friends but again they are all in a marriage or relation and evening,when not teaching I am on my own and so week ends. I do see them at times but they are busy and have their life!

I shoud do some Yoga that will calm me down I think as I am always on the fast lane!

I would like to join some single parents evening club if they exist and maybe some events for the week ends. I had a quick look at My event but I can not find anything. Maybe I do not know how to look properly?


Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 8:22pm


Thank you for the web pages I am certainly interested and despite I teach Aerobic , it is something completly different and a reason to go out to enjoy and NOT to work ,I just do not want to go on my own I will have to find a friend who will come with me!! Plus It will be expensive as entrance is £5 and baby sitter £7 per hour so I do not know if can do it!  Is nearly £30 per Friday nihgt :-( THis is my problem!! I hope I can give it a go one night be nice to let my hair down , so to speak and enjoy.

Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 8:32pm

Hi Butterfly,

Glad the websites were helpful. Your job sounds fantastic! Its always in my diary to get fitter, I'm not overweight but I don't get any proper excercise; just chasing the kids around! Like you I find it really hard to find babysitters and can't really justify the expense of paying. Do any of your friends have sixteen plus children who might like to do some cheap babysitting?

In terms of single parent evening's, they are often a bit of a cattle market and very focused on sex rather than relationships. Some people use the internet as a tool for dating, you have to be careful to keep yourself safe (don't give out personal details and meet in public places etc) but for some people its great.


Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 8:47pm

Hi Helen,

You made me giggle when said your excercise is chasing the children :-) I know what you mean! You are more then welcome to come to my classes when you can :-) In term of single parents evening I do not want to go to the dating ones!!! Just some clubs for single parents ,where we all share the same difficulties, feeling and emotions, like here but not on the computer.


Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 9:36pm

Hi Butterfly, all of this talk about exercise makes me tired, hehe. I'm not overweight, but I'm not at all fit! My exercise is walking my son to school and back. Takes about 20 mins each way. Lifting and carrying heavy shopping, (sure my arms have muscles lol). Going up and downstairs, and thats basically it. Does pushing the hoover around count???

I hope you have a good day. Lovely to see your posts.

Oh well, off to make son's lunch for school, and then wake the little darling. Catch you soon.

Take care



Posted on: July 14, 2010 - 6:42am
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello Butterfly

How are you this morning?

As far the money goes, you are entitled to some money from your child's father. even if he is not working you will get £5 a week. if he is working you will get 15% of his salary. If you are working and receiving Working Tax Credit (which I think you are) then it will not affect your benefit. Look at this web page for how to claim. Improving your income is the first step to being able to get out and about more!

Posted on: July 14, 2010 - 8:09am

Hi Louse,

I am still on a low these days, feeling down and upset as I can not think of a way to shift certain aspect of my life that I am not happy with.

Also I have found out last sunday that my ex who I was and still are so in love with ,has met someone 2 months after we split up and moving in with her on Friday. They have sold their houses and bought one together. We have not split up even a year! Only 9 months ago! I feel so hurt by it and my all world is falling. I need to be strong for my little girl but at night I cry a lot.

He is not my daughter father by the way. Talking of which I will not ask money from him. I mae his desition 4 years ago and I would like to stick to it. I really appreciate all the support you are giving me and helps me to feel less alone. As to the heart acke I do not know how to move on and stop hurting.


Posted on: July 14, 2010 - 6:56pm

Hi butterfly...

Ave been reading  away to the posts.  Welcome along. I feel sorry for that your working so hard to make ends meet but the way to look at like (am starting to look at life like this now) is that the greatest achievment is bring up your daughter by yourself.  Especially hold down 2 jobs to make ends meet.  Also reading your posts it makes me realise how much i take for granted.  (Am a single parent still living at home with my parents, waiting for a house with the council.  Having my mum look after my girl to let me work in the mornings before she goes to work in the afternoons.)



Posted on: July 14, 2010 - 8:17pm

Hey shortie, long time. How have you been? How's your baby daughter? The job?

Posted on: July 14, 2010 - 8:21pm

Hi Butterfly, sorry to hear you're feeling so low. Its ok you know to cry. You're letting out your feelings, and it's better to cry and not keep it bottled up. You are bound to feel this way, especially as you still love your ex deeply. It will take time and a lot of hurting, but you will get through it. We are all here for you, so keep posting ok.

Take care



Posted on: July 14, 2010 - 8:24pm

Hi! It must nice to have the support of your family! Knowing you can rely on them! I hope you get a place soon. I am very lucky to have my own home but I have and I work hard for it! It will be when you get your place. Are you ok? 

Posted on: July 14, 2010 - 8:56pm

Thank you Alison, I know sooner or later I will get trough is just the hurting that is not nice, I also know that this hurt will always stay in my heart even when I will have mooved o, it just wont be so deep!!


Posted on: July 14, 2010 - 8:59pm

Hug for you Butterfly,

I know it hurts so much.


Posted on: July 14, 2010 - 9:31pm
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

You're right Butterfly, it will never go away completely, it just becomes easier to live with, over time. Just be kind to yourself, hearing this news about his new relationship has re-opened the wound and it is quite understandable that you are crying. Please be reassured that crying will help you heal-all those stress hormones coming out in your tears! although it might not feel like it at the time.

Also please be assured that you now have a group of online friends and supporters!

Posted on: July 15, 2010 - 7:04am

Awww butterfly.  Loads of hugs from me too.

It's not an easy journey.

Posted on: July 15, 2010 - 12:01pm
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Butterfly

Have you considered counselling?  I know that you don't seem to have many free hours in the day, but it could be a life changing experience?

Here is a list of Meet Up groups near you, where you might meet some new people.

I wonder if you could perhaps arrange a social event for the people who attend your fitness classes? Perhaps coffee after your morning session, then you could get to know some of the mums better, or perhaps evening drinks (I know,....babysitter!) with the evening lot?

There are definitely people who live near you who are feeling as you do, do you get to talk to anyone at your daughters nursery?  Could you ask one of the carers if they know of any other single mums?

These times can be hard and especially when someone you love is moving on with their life, but this is your journey and you will find your way.

Are you reading any good books at the moment?

Posted on: July 15, 2010 - 12:03pm

THank you xxxx hugs back :-) How are you today?

Posted on: July 15, 2010 - 1:25pm

Hi , Thank you so much for all your support , it is great to know somewhere out there understand and is there for you. Make look life with a different proscpect,less lonley. I can not thank all of you enought! xxx

Posted on: July 15, 2010 - 1:27pm

Hoooo thank you Anna, I will look at the web suggested. I think my problem is not so much the day as I do have a variety of friends and have met so many via my clases and I do socialise with them and their children but it is the evening and week ends that are rather lonley. My friends all go back to their family and husbands.

I also think that my problem is to be happy on my own , which in a strange way I am but not every single day, week, month, year!! I would like something there for me too somoene to love in a different way from the unconditional love and Huge love for my daughter ,that I give and receive , we are very close but someone for me as a woman not a mum. Someone to share happiness and sadness that this world gives us. WHen you do not find it then you start think MMMmm maybe something wrong is with me!!!

Anna you are right there it is my road and I hope I  can keep on walking!!! BUT it hurts when descovering he has moved on soooo quick. Makes you realise that all we had was not true and not so important to him if can move on so fast !!!! It can not have been!


Posted on: July 15, 2010 - 1:37pm


HOw are you? I think I sow yuor last year post! Gosh how are you a year later?

HOW come you worked in Reigate?

I know you know How I must be feeling, my ex is moving in today with his new girlfriend and I feel so down sad angry jelous confused all of these feeling



Posted on: July 16, 2010 - 6:36pm

Hello Butterfly,

yes I worked for 4 years in Reigate at the very large building with two giant trees in front and statue of ballet dancer. At the end of the tunnel which has the farmer's market 1 a month. I was a graphic artist/manager. I loved Reigate.

I cannot look at my first posts. I was so broken. I sought counselling while my partner was having sex with her other guy (the drug guy as he is now). I knew I had to keep my mind and spent much of my money on weekly sessions, which have taught me to survive low times.

Also, I found onespace. Which gave me emotional support, especially in the evenings. I tried to support others, not through wisdom, but by being rather silly. hehe.

After a couple of months I felt intense loneliness. I missed sharing my day with someone, and hearing about their day. Just little things really. But they felt so important. The bed was so cold at night and the children's room was dark and still. Toys left scattered.

Since then I have fought to stay in contact with my children, who are in East London.

My ex is forcing me out of my house, as I put her name on it when I signed for the mortgage. There is no money to be had, only debt on sale, so is just to hurt me. It stresses me greatly. The court cases start again in August. I have no lawyer.

Tonight I feel good as the children are coming tomorrow. I will drive up to Romford to collect them and take them for a 15 minute horse ride at lunchtime (£3.50). Then back to their home (110 miles all in). My son (11) needs trainers so I will take him to sports world to have a look and try some on.

When my partner said she was seeing someone else, I felt very sick/angry/sad/jealous/empty/lost. Jealousy I had never felt before and I was very overwhelmed by it at one point.

It took 2-3 months for my love to die, and it was really painful. Very painful to see them together and happy when my life was wrecked and wretched.

Things that helped:

• onespace, chatting and support, having fun

• exercise (never stay in doors for long periods)

• counselling

• anti-depressants

• circle of people to call in the evening

• bicycle

• mum.

I can't say I am allright yet, as the loss of my children and next my home weighs on me everyday.

I try and fight back as best I can. So I can look back and say "I did all I could".


I am full of admiration for you Butterfly. It will take you time to let go of your ex, as you have strong feelings that do not fade quickly. This is a good thing, being big hearted and caring, and your next partner will hopefully cherish your special qualities. Accept that this is how things are at the moment and remind yourself of all you have come through and how well you have done.

Your circumstances will change and the pain will go.

Big hug for you

keep posting


Posted on: July 17, 2010 - 12:51am
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Thank you so much sadsy for a brilliant post and for sharing with other people the process that you have gone through, and are still going through.

Butterfly, I hope that has been helpful? I know that when I had a painful break-up some years ago, the phrase "How COULD you?" kept going through my head as I found it so hard to believe what he had done after what we had been to each other. Time does heal but that is small consolation when you're waiting for that to happen. Seeing it as a journey, as Anna suggested, is a really helpful way to go. I would like to offer the suggestion that every day, no matter how dark, has something positive in it. When you go to bed at the end of the day, you could think "What gift has the day given me?" and in amongst whatever else has been going on, there will have been a piece of wisdom learned or a gorgeous song of a little bird or a smile you shared with someone in the street or even just a sense of pride in yourself that you got through that black day.

We are all here for you Butterfly :-)

Posted on: July 17, 2010 - 7:14am

Good Morning SY, Thank you so much for your amazing reply!!! It made me cry!

I think you are incredible and doing so well , I admire you. You give me strenth and hope.

All of the feeling you have written down on how you have felt and feeling are the same I feel and it helps to know that you are not the only one who are experiencing them.

You are right Louise , the quesiton 'HOW could he' keeps repinting in my mind'.

I am not very good in  writing down my feelings as they are so many and they are going trhough my mind and heart faster then I can write! 

I do miss someone to walk through the door at the end of the day and saying' HI Honey how was your day?' Dinner 2, a nice wine to share a DV to watch or just a warm cuddle to make you feel safe ,loved and wanted.

I do try and keep busy with texting or ringing a circle of friend in the evening but there are so many you can call each night!

Last night I watched a film but I was crying while watching it thinking about my ex and how his moved went yesterday, the tought he is waking up this am to his new love nest is eating me away but ... as you all have said today I will try to think of something nice to do . I think I will also take my daughter for some shoes shopping as she needs winter one and Clark has sales one my friend tld me yesterday.

SY thank you so much for sharing with me your experience and feeling. ALL of you really are a light trought the tunnel and a great support, I feel like part of a big family.

THank you and I look forward to chat later.

SY enjoy your day with your children and I look forward to hear about it later.

Louise a happy day for you too :-)






Posted on: July 17, 2010 - 8:55am

Hope you have a good weekend Butterfly.

Loads of hugs.

Posted on: July 17, 2010 - 9:27am

Haaaa thank you sparklinglime, you too.

Hugs back xx

Posted on: July 17, 2010 - 2:07pm

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Posted on: July 17, 2010 - 7:05pm
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Comment deleted

Posted on: July 17, 2010 - 8:24pm

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Posted on: July 17, 2010 - 8:47pm
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Let's put this behind us now, and continue to share our weekend news.

How are you doing, Butterfly? I notice you have been contributing to some of the other threads, which is great.

Posted on: July 18, 2010 - 7:55am

I love the way One Space has been set out. This way, I can see the last posts etc. Hopefully it will stay this way.

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. Me???? I haven't done much at all. My wrist is really hurting me, and even washing dishes is a ruddy pain.

What's everyones plans for the Summer hols? Is anyone going away?

Have a restful Sunday



Posted on: July 18, 2010 - 9:48am

Hello Louise,

I wasn't going to make any comments on here about this but as you have now made a comment about it I feel I have to.

I love to have a joke but this is still supposed to be somewhere i can come for support, not a place where I feel stupid because BF keeps telling everyone that he has upset me, whether or not he has upset me & what the details of that actually are no one knows, please bare in mind peoples opinions are different, we should not be giving details or opinions about people on here & I thought that was one of the rules.

I am sorry butterfly that these commemts have taken over your thread & sorry to everyone else including BF if you think I'm over reacting, but it has upset me a great deal to keep reading that i have been upset, how is everyone to know if that is a joke or not.


Posted on: July 18, 2010 - 10:33am

Hi Pansy, big hugs from me to you. I understand completely, and I hope you won't let it get you down.

Posted on: July 18, 2010 - 10:56am

thank you :)

Posted on: July 18, 2010 - 11:40am
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Pansy

Of course this is your place for support and that is why I changed the subject as personal stuff is better kept between the people concerned.

I have deleted some of the posts that you may have disliked.

I ask that we now get back to supporting Butterfly, and anyone else who needs us including Pansy. Sadsy gave some excellent input to her and let's concentrate on that.

Hope you feel more comfortable, Pansy

alisoncam, sorry to be a nag but it sounds as if your wrist may need some medical attention?

Butterfly, how has your weekend been?

Posted on: July 18, 2010 - 6:10pm

Next time my youngest has a football tournament, please can someone remind me to take the vosene and shower gel?  Will save so much in electricity if I just let the torrential rain do the work...


Posted on: July 18, 2010 - 6:27pm

Will keep a note in diary for you Sparkling!!!

Nag away Louise. I've been saying this afternoon that I think I shall go for x-ray tomorrow or something. Really is giving me jip, dull pain, then sharp, also feels as if it's burning inside.

Posted on: July 18, 2010 - 7:48pm

Sparklinglime I hate the rainy football match's. Where do you let a toddler run so that they don't get so wet they want to go home? Plus if your child isn't playing the whole time then they're just shivering on the sidelines!

Are you a big footie fan? How reguarly does your son play?

Butterfly, I hope One Space is can be so desperatly lonely at times. It sounds like an awful lot to be coping with all the things you have in your life already plus loneliness plus the situation with your ex. Keep hanging in there :)


Posted on: July 18, 2010 - 9:02pm

My youngest is 11, and luckily they were able to stand under some trees!  I went back to the car between matches.

I'm not a fan of football at all, really, but do enjoy watching him play.  No football for a few weeks - shame... ;-)

Posted on: July 18, 2010 - 9:35pm