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Also just got the new Lady Antebellum cd and playing it now - its fab!
I'm glad the scan was unremarkable 
thanks sparkling
ooh never heard of Lady Antebellum, I now have YouTube playing it whilst I do the boards! Thanks lrh
Glad to hear that the the the scan all looks ok, that is great news!
I look forward to hearing the key points about the book that is making you feel chipper, its gotta be a good thing!
Glad you like Lady Antebellum - I heard them on BBC breakfast ages ago and bought their first album and loved it - could stop playing it - in my plan to do more for me I looked for their next album Own the night and the reviews said just as fab as the first so I bought it. The care radio is a bit iffy and I don't have many cd's anymore so I thought I would build back up my collection to blast out in the car while driving.
The book is good - first bit - Road map to healing - Taking care of yourself, working out the grief and dealing with the challenges.
Next bit - Rules of disengagement - No contact with ex - a bit hard cos of kids but it has got some great suggestions and explains so many of the stupid things we tell ourselves - the idiot and I do not speak at the moment and I like it that way - we just email regarding contact and that is it - it makes me feel much better so I look forward to reading what else is in this chapter
Hi lrh , Glad to hear you are feeling better and looking forward to a positive week, good news about the scan .
Keep posting about the book it sounds really interesting.
Hope the riding lessons are a great success, sorry not posted for a while but have been reading the boards...all the best and here's to a good week ahead for you.
Hi Lrh, just popping in to see how you're doing...That book you're reading sounds really good with some great advice....I definitely agree with the no contact part....it really does help I think.
Glad your scan was ok too and that you're feeling better xx
Hello LRH
Fab news re the scan and it sounds as if the book you are reading is interesting!
Now...(nag nag nag) don't forget to have a word with the GP about how you have been feeling, I think they have an assessment form now to help them and you gauge whether you need some extra help
thanks everyone
Ohh littleredhen, tell me more... when you say the book 'explains so many of the stupid things we tell ourselves'
Can you give an example?
1) We can still be friends
2) I need to make sense of it all - I just have one more thing to say to you before I go
3) I just need to give his stuff back
4) We mix in the same circles
These are all the excuses we use to keep in touch with our ex but it seems the only way most of us can get over them is to go for NC - no contact
Then it goes on to tell us Steps to Successful No Contact - haven't read that bit yet
But I do find myself doing the stuff above - like giving him stuff when he comes to pick up the kids or emailing him about stuff
I can't really help the mixing in the same circles because of the swimming
I have certainly told myself there is stuff I need to tell him to get it off my chest but I know he is not interested and although I thought it would help me at the time it just made me more frustrated cos he didn't react the way I wanted him to
"In order to truly get past your breakup you need to separate emotionally, physically and psychologically from the relationship and the primary way to do this is to stop talking to your ex.
A quick "hello" might seem innocent enough and you're convinced you can keep it light but you are only fooling yourself - if you reach out you stall the moving on process - you can't find the new when you are holding on to the old - so you need to let go
Extract from Getting past your breakup by Susan J Elliot
I agree that detaching emotionally is the key to moving forward, but that doesn't just mean no contact, it also means recovery from feelings about new partners in their lives etc. and it means focusing on OURSELVES, not them.
Once we have "detached" then we would feel quite blase about contact with our children's mum or dad because there would be no "pull" on us anymore. Although we did have that thread where we discussed that many of us still experienced feelings, but things like anger on behalf of the children. How interesting, thanks for sharing about the book, it raises all sorts of questions, LRH
yes Louise I agree - I think the no contact for me is important at the moment as I used to find excuses for contacting him and then felt closer to him then something would happen to make me realise that he really didn't care for me - so for me it is essential so I can move on - contact only regarding the children.
Haven't finished reading the chapter yet so will let you all know if there are any more pearls of wisdom
A few things I have realised over the last few weeks regarding his behaviour is that he is definitely putting himself first and if he doesn't realise that the girls will resent his selfish behaviour and that he is missing out on seeing them then nothing in the world I can do will make him realise so I have to stop trying because all it does is make me more angry
It sounds as if it really helping you LRH, and also what I REALLY like the sound of is that you are learning so much about yourself and how you operate, which will stand you in good stead as you go forward
Hi LRH, this book sounds like it is doing wonders for your self esteem and mental wellbeing! Thanks for sharing some insight into it.
Its funny the excuses that we make to still contact an ex and I think often we don't realise that we are doing it!
You are doing a fine job, well done you!
thanks Anna - just watching Britain's got Talent - I love Ryan O'Shaughnessy and have his first audition on my netbook in my music file
He has a very sweet voice doesn't he He seems so young, do you know how old he is?
I think he is 19
feeling a bit up and down this morning - the kids saw the idiot yesterday - it didn't go great - eldest is getting to that huffy and sulky stage and the idiot also behaves that way - he is very childlike with them so he was in a huff with her.
I am sad to say that it makes me feel better when its not all great when they are with him and I am annoyed with myself for feeling like that - of course I want what is best for them but its not all plain sailing here so a part of me thinks why should he have all the good times.
They are off with him again today can't decide what to do with myself - friend not available - gardening or beach?
Is the weather that nice for the beach lrh? Go for a walk along the seafront, then home for a spot of gardening and reading maybe?
I would think the same, feeling better when it's not going great with the children and their Dad. Like you say, things are tough for you right now, so why should he get the good times.
Have a nice day whatever you decide to do.
Hi lrh, of course you want your ex to feel the rough with the smooth, they are children and will have their moods and all parents should have to feel those and learn how to deal with them.
Have a look at this article for inspiration on What to do with yourself while the children are away!
oh dear just had a text from eldest - she is having a rubbish time - i texted back and asked her to try and enjoy being with her dad and sent her a hug but basically the idiot has taken them somewhere that is for him - which annoys me - typically selfish - oh well off to clean the bathroom and deal with that anger - then relaxing and reading a book later
thanks for the link Anna
It is so frustrating isn't it littleredhen. But unfortunately your daughter has to lump it, even if you were together, there may have been times when you went out as a family and your daughter wouldn't have enjoyed it.
Time with the other parent should eminate normal life, rather than fun times all the time, so well done for sending the hug and then getting on with things.
I bet your bathroom is sparkling!! Enjoy your book
Ah yes, I used to have those texts too when this lot were staying with their Dad.
Hopefully she felt better after texting you.
Ex stopped the children contacting me when they were with him...
I hope you are not letting it get you down lrh, she will probably be fine again now and having a great time
they came back early because eldest wanted to watch The Voice!
She had had a bad day and didn't enjoy it - youngest was fine (as usual)
It doesn't get me down but I wish he would make more effort to think about something they could all enjoy - no mean feat but neverheless!
had a quiet day at home yesterday - went to watch a friend run in a 10k - came home and chilled
just what I needed
This morning got up and went for a 40 min brisk walk/jog and felt much better
Home and did the ironing and now lunch is on waiting for kids to get back from swimming
Hi lrh, I understand how frustrated you must have felt, especially as you have to deal with the grumpy chump after all the encouragement you give when they are going to see their Dad.
I hope your daughter was soon nestled down in front of the voice and happy again.
She is 14 isn't she, so of course, all sorts of things are going to be 'wrong' for her - hanging out with her dad isn't particularly cool, and anything that doens't involve boys, music, gossip or TV pretty much sucks at her age, if she is a common teenager. I know that is very stereotypical, but generally 14 year old girls are more interested in their own lives than that of their parents.
Sounds like you are really looking after yourself.
I hope you enjoy your Sunday afternoon together - the weather is divine here, I can't wait to get out into it! 
Thanks Anna - yes she is 14 and you are right - I am trying to listen and say not much!
Its cold and very windy here!
Enjoy the sunshine
Really angry tonight - had an email from the idiot telling me he had been sorting out the mortgage
Have edited my post as its a bit too easy to identify me
Hi littleredhen, I am not surprised you are angry.
You thought your mortgage and home were safe, but then find out it wasn't as you thought.
You thought your ex had dealt with something, but he had actually lied to you and the mortgage company.
You presumed (as I would) that the mortgage company would expect to have your signature on an agreement that you are jointly responsible for, but they didn't, they took your ex's word for it.
You are unsure of the security of your home, which is a fundamental human need for your wellbeing and that of your children.
So yes, there is a problem here and I presume that you are angry because of all the above reasons.
What did the mortgage company say when you spoke with them and told them you hadn't given your consent?
Have you contacted our Housing Expert, to find out where you stand with your mortgage and house?
I was maybe ranting this morning
I am still fuming and the more I write the more angry I get
I have edited my post as easily identified
Oh bad luck littleredhen.
Firstly you can visit the Shelter website that deals with Scotland here, they have a free Advice Line.
Have a look at the CSA website and see how much your ex should be paying for the children by law. This is regardless of mortgage payments and life insurance.
I am really surprised that the mortgage people can take just one persons word on a joint mortgage, I wonder if you can get some legal advice about this?
You needed to kick up a fuss, you are an independant woman now and you need to be in the know of what exactly is going on, is the risk that you are worried about that he will stop paying the mortgage? Or that he will become more difficult?
I just have no idea what he is thinking - I think if I kick up a fuss he will become even more difficult - I phoned cm options and they told me what he should pay so I am better off than the official amount he is legally supposed to pay - i think its the control he is exerting by paying the mortgage and then paying me an amount it is as if he is telling me what i should spend my money on
It could be that he is paying more than CSA state?
CSA payments would be a percentage the 'other' parent's income. It can be argued that mortgage and rent would be covered by that payment.
Ex topped up a joint loan for years that I was unaware of, but with the mortgage we were both expected to sign.
Such a worry lrh.
Whoops - posts crossed. Typing on pink key board with one finger is challenging.
Hello lrh
You have done your research and found you would be worse off if you went through Child Maintenance Options.
Gosh I can understand your anger. I know you feel it is about him wanting to maintain control, and to some extent I agree with you. However, it feels to me that what is also going on here is that you were not consulted as if you do not matter. A lot of the single parent journey is to do with self-empowerment and this is just the opposite. GRRRRR! 
Deep breaths......what is the alternative? I guess the bottom line would be that you would have to move house so in one way this is keeping you in your home, if this is what you want?
sorry to say it doesn't mean i get to stay in the house it just means that he has sorted out the mortgage because it needed sorting out but I don't think this means that he is not wanting to sell the house
Ah I see, thanks for clarifying. It all feels really up in the air, then 
i don't do a good job of explaining when I am angry
he sent me a text last night
so i just saw red - how dare he - so I told him no he wasn't doing what he wanted on a whim - we have arrangements in place and i told him to go away and leave me alone - made me feel better
Good for you 
I have had a bit of a revelation today!
I have realised that I switch on my computer daily (first thing!) and my mobile phone hoping that there is a message from the idiot - however I have also realised that he is never going to send anything that I want to hear - in a way its like an abusive relationship - I would rather have some contact than no contact - if you know what I mean
So over the last few days he has texted and emailed stuff that has made me mad and my blood pressure got raised and if I had let it it would have spoiled my weekend
But you know what - I am NOT going to let it so he really can just go away and leave me alone
The text he sent to me by mistake was a real eye opener - does he really think he can TELL me what to do - I think not!
So today is the day that I stop hoping for stuff from him and tell myself that I don't need him anymore and I certainly don't want any messages from him
I can now move on with my life and let the two of them get on with theirs (as long as they keep away from me!)
I know the silence can be deafening and it will take some willpower to stop hoping but I am really going to try
Aha that is a big realisation...that you were waiting for a message and that horrid contact was better than no contact, that sounds a powerful thought to have had. I know when I split up from someone (not husband) I thought for so, so long: "How can you just carry on with life and not care about what is happening to me and how I am?"...and it still feels pretty difficult to accept, even though it was years ago, so be kind to yourself
ooh I am cross this morning and fighting the urge to send the idiot and email - dont want to post too much detail but it is to do with contact - i know he doesn't want to hear anything i have to say so i know there is no point but i am furious and its such an overwhelming urge
glad I am off to work this morning maybe i will have calmed down by lunchtime when i finish
Hi LRH
How about "writing the letter that is never sent" to get it off your chest? Actual contact with him should carry a health warning: Only to be attempted when you are feeling calm!
Hope your morning at work goes OK
sent myself an email - it seemed to do the trick!
Thanks Anna and sparkling - I am reading the book called Get over your break up so feeling a bit more chipper!
Scan was "unremarkable" so girl says to phone my docs in a week but she said it all looks ok!
Sun is shining - life is good today