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I had this lovely pic in my head of you in the garden, IDT, with these realisations creeping up on you. It is definitely worth remembering them or even writing them down, to help you through the less good times 
The weather looks decent for the weekend so hope you and the children can enjoy it together.
Thankyou ;)
It felt like I was to scared to look back but now I can because im starting to feel safer and it's like jeeze ok that was my life and it feels shocking that it was but now it's not ;)
Feeling quite proud of myself today ha ha
I hope your right about the weather it's not as warm as what ur getting X
I remember you saying that you wanted to kind of let sleeping dogs lie, you weren't ready for counselling as such, you just wanted to move forward first.
There is no rush to look back but you will be surprised over the next few years that things will come into your head that you have completely forgotten about, or things that you just 'let go' at the time, do actually make you angry. It is important to explore the past as it does make up the future, so hopefully with some nurturing and loving of yourself, you will work through your 'stuff' and come out a million times better - I know I did!
I hope the weather holds up, can't wait for the long weekend, hurray!
I think I know that I'm going to have to deal with it ;(
I don't know how I know there's no rush it's when I'm ready
I'll never be ready x
Well no, there is never an ideal time but maybe in the future you might feel that counselling would move you forward even more. At the moment you are experiencing such a range of emotions and you really are a person who thinks, notices and reflects so I reckon you will get a long forward on your own, and we are here to talk to about it while this happens in your life 
Just looked out my window my garden full of 'my life' me my kids it's not as neat as next door
It's mine my rabbits kids space my plants carnt stand bloody flowers but got my stuff out there
And I thought ... Yeah it's good it's mine
It's what I want iv never had that I'm 34
It's good ;) were happy x
YES!! that's such a good feeling, isn't it? did you get the nice weather in the end? The first thing I did when I kicked out the boys' dad was to buy a picture, which is still on my wall now. He had not allowed me to have any pictures up and it was a symbol of my freedom.
What's the plan for today?
Thankyou x
That was the nice part about leaving my belongings behind I enjoyed buying new things I liked x
I love reading about these discoveries that you are having IDT, it brings it all back for me!
Yes there will be hard times, but the fact that you are recognising the positives brings more positiveness into your life.
I remember when I wallpapered my daughters bedroom (I had never done it before, as I wasn't allowed to do those sorts of things!), it was great, it wasn't as hard as he made it out to be and I was well impressed with the final result, the same as putting up shelves. I love it.
I still get a buzz from looking around me and knowing that everything in my flat is mine and no-one can take it away from me!
Yeah I know what you mean I have fears of things I have been told I carnt do them it's too hard iv been facing them and it's not! Iv been so scared of doing them so frightened and now I'm just starting to see that the invisible restriction on my head doesn't exist I thought my fear was real but it's not there and I feel so free it's untrue x
Iv got a bit of an situation with the five kids
The younger two get along 2 and 3 then the 12 and 9 year old
The 6 year old is stuck in middle child syndrome
The older two can be unkind alot to him
I feel sorry for him I feel he feels he doesn't have a place
Can I help him anyway x
They jump down his throat he carnt speak they put him down
I'm worried it's chipping away at his self esteem I want to as a mum give him more power eg,same pocket money as them etc I don't think it's the answer but I feel I need to try raise his 'status' in our home
Hello IDT great that you spotted this.
Hope you dont mind me saying this to you but whilst I am not at all against the pocket money idea, remember you said that your plan is to try to make the children less focused on money so I wondering if there is another way. It would be great if you could spend some extra time with him on his own but that could be a really impractical thing when you have a large family. What about......put the littlies to bed then have some special time with your 6 year old, a story, a cuddle, and say things to him like "I love having this time with you, you are such a great boy" and ask him about his day. Mine used to love silly songs when they were that age. Can you see if there is a way to spend some time with him? You could maybe also generally big him up when you are all together, so he gets more prominence in the group, things like "hey, here comes X" "Wow that is a good picture that X is drawing" etc
Imdoingthis
I have a thought, but I can't find the poster. Pat Craven has a poster as part of her freedom poster about good behavour and bad behavour. I know a Mum who has it on her fridge door and uses it to help her children and herself check out if thier behavour was good (loving) or bad (dominating). Maybe someone could tell you where it is and you print it out of get it and put in on the fridge to help your two eldest understand what they are doing is not the way others treat family, friends or anyone.
Just a thought x
Thankyou yeah I like the sound of that I don't think iv seen the poster, I have the book.
Great idea thankyou x
What a brilliant idea suneagle, this will then raise all the childrens awareness of what is behaviour is controlling and 'not nice' and what is acceptable loving behaviour. This will set them in good stead for the future too.
It might even help them if they feel slightly uncomfortable around Dad's behaviour and don't know why.
I can't find the poster you are talking about suneagle, but here is an old post with the words on - IDT perhaps you could type/write it up and draw flowers or something around it. Change the words Mr Right and Mr Wrong to your own words too, that are relevant to the children.
Oh I have just found an image of the poster! HERE, however it would be a good idea to create your own as this too says Mr Right and Mr Wrong and bullies can be both male and female, so we don't want to gender stereotype.
Thanks Anna I will use the words from it x
Excellent idea! Do have a think about what I said as well, IDT, about building up his self esteem and trying to spend a bit of time with him 
Hi I missed your post Louise sorry just read it and yes I think I need to make room for some him time x thanks x
Ok, I saw the other suggestions were focusing on how the others treated him, which was fantastic but I just was suggesting that he gets some special accolades from you, too, it must be hard to spread yourself out between all the kids though. I know a couple and they have one very small child, about 12 months old and they both hang over her and run around after her and always act exhausted and I always think gosh what if you had a few to look after or what if you were a single parent
Yes it's hard to spread yourself and they don't get really any one to one time with me, I try to recognize things they do though though and always comment on good things they do/ kind things they do and I'll say things like hi your hair looks good etc if he's spent time with the hair gel ;) etc
My two year old is very difficult more than all my others,and with his extra needs too, he won't leave my side at all if I walk one way left he follows I walk back he follows there's no escape !
At the end of a day I'm to tired to start with story's etc but thought I might move his bedtime forward and then fit in a story.
Aww that sounds like a lovely idea IDT, would that work for you, moving his bedtime forward?
I only have one daughter and she is now 18, but I used to find it exhausing raising just the one so I can't begin to imagine having 5 rallying around!! I am not surprised you are tired at the end of the day.
It is great to read that you are able to notice and acknowledge good characteristics of your children, well done you. It is not always easy, especially when we are feeling stressed!
Did you type up the Mr Right and Mr Wrong and give it different names?
Hiya Anna
Yes it would work well, when we moved here the children were like a chamagne cork coming out the bottle with him not being here .. Even me so kids were to bed whenever I was a mess etc so his bedtime was later that is right for his age but worked then as it was better than the chaos so yeah it's a good thing x
Iv not done poster yet maybe over weekend x
i know exactly how i feel ,i was in the same situation ,i suffered from abuse i was treaded badly and cheated on and when i was strong enough and left ,i missed him as a person i wanted him to be not who he was .I was on my own and lonely ,i cried my eyes out and now after a year i start to realise that one day i might have a family again and that i deserve to be happy instead of being told i am nobody and its still hard as its hard for me to deal with a fact as i lost my family ,and my lil boys dad is not living with us anymore ,and cant understand why it all happened but i still hope now .I hope that they day ,that i stop thinking about it will come and i will be able to move on and be happy .I am so much stronger now
Hello majorka and well done for moving forward from the abuse, as you say it is not easy to make that break and your emotions can be up and down and all over the place.
Have you had a look at the online Freedom Programme? (click to see)
Hi yeah it makes you stronger person
I feel now and it's a bit a sad feeling that no one can hurt me because far from shoot me he's done it all iv built up a no fear thing its all been done so no one else can do any worse or scare me only if they come after me with a gun it's like when he shot the cat but u lose your feelings cos u shut off emotionally.
Having a meltdown today
Got this man wanting to take me out in a hour and I'm panicking
I don't fancy him he wants more but said we'd be mates
I'm really struggling feel so scared frightened
If I don't get over this fear it's gonna effect rest of my life I need to lern to trust someone to just be near me I carnt bear it if he touches my arm or something I'm shuddering at thought
Just typing the word 'man' gives me a shudder it's so tough
My friendsike me she's older and I feel shesll never get over it and if I dont I do t know x
Thought of a sexual relationship
I had so much overwhelming fear that getting blinding drunk and finding a willing sole to do the deed was something I forced on myself and then felt horrid for months after.
It's so hard today it's all going on so sorry needs to come out though x
Hello IDT, well you tried the getting drunk method and felt bad afterwards and now you are left thinking can I ever get close to anyone? It is pretty soon after all that has happened, I reckon, and also the RIGHT man would be happy to spend a decent amount of time making friends with you and building trust so it's not you, it just has to be right for it to work for you, that's all
Yes I agree, I found yesterday hard to be around him but I did and probably did me good.
Going back to my son
He's loving the extra attention ;)
Been looking at his behavour in detail and I'm thinking he's got some some sort of OCD last year my mate said your son doesn't play he stacks he'd play at her house and he'd stack all her sons toys in one place.
Here he doesn't play he sorts yesterday he emptied his clothes and re folded them and put them back
He's taken all his toys out his room today
He sweeps the ally at the side of my house on a regular basis
He gets upset if things arnt in order
He talks about cleaning his seat in the car
I turn around and he's tidyed up something before I blink
Not sure if he should go gp
Sorry for changing topic so much just lots going on x
Hello IDT that's Ok, we are here for all sorts of things. I agree that the behaviour is unusual. My youngest used to have to do "displays" of things all the time so after his birthday, he did not immediately play with his prezzies as he was doing a display of them! I think your health visitor would be a better person to have a word with, but don't get too worried. My friend's son was always extremely tidy from being a toddler! (he is 36 now and has a gorgeous house) but it is only as time goes on that you can tell if he has extra needs.
I'm glad ur here ;)
My hv is useless ;( she never does what she says she will
But I will try
I'd given up with her but bout time she made an appearance :)
It's two things stand out to me
His upset/ distress at when things army in order
The stacking and sorting not tidying so much but need for order and sometimes it's not my order but his
Thankyou!!!!
Hi IDT, when I read your post saying that you didn't really want to meet up with that guy the other day, that you felt scared, that he wanted more, but said you can be mates, I wanted to say to you "Don't go if you don't want you" Regardless of what this man says, wants or does, life is about what IDT wants now. And it sounded as though he gives you the creeps, you don't trust him and you forced yourself into it....why?!
Then I noticed that you had met him, you wrote that you found it hard to be around him, but it probably did you good. I am wondering why it did you good, if you found it hard? This may read as though I am picking on you, but I don't mean to be, I want you to do exactly what you wish to do with a spring in your step and joy in your heart as now you are free to do as you wish, I felt as though this situation was more forced than fun.
Your friend may feel like she will never get over an abusive relationship and that is her decision. (Thoughts create feelings create actions).
As Louise says you are so newly out of a very intimate relationship, you have got yourself and your children to look after and heal, why would anyone consider bringing a stranger into the mix? You are still vulnerable IDT (even though you might want to be, or believe it) Heal yourself and then you will be ready for a new relationship, or you could become bitter and blame your ex for ruining your life and never enjoy intimacy again.
What do you think?
Yes it was forced, I think that I made myself go because I was scared so if I faced the fear I have nothing to be scared of then
I'm scared of men in general I'm scared of having to have to do anything
I see it in my mum and friend that they completely gave up on being in a relationship and I figured that I don't want to do that and for my kids too
I don't fancy this man so I felt safe to be with him somehow cos I carnt get hurt cos I don't want to be with him so it was a bit of a easing myself to be around a man I have been texting talking to him for nearly a year every day we have the same hobby and hrs helped out with that.
It felt like a bit of therapy but maybe he's the wrong person
I think ur probably right I'm still venerable
Probably deep down it didn't do me good emotionally but facing my fear is good I think.
Hi IDT, i can see what your saying about testing your fears with this guy, but is it really fair to either of you to be forcing yourself to spend time with him, have you had any counselling to help you overcome your uneasiness around men?
hi im doin this well this nice man is interested in me, he asnt giv up on me, but im not sure, mean its bin ayear today since i ended it with ex, i avnt seen anyone else at all,i think tho well it wudnt hurt to go out on 1 date,but im scared,is it same with ux
Hi kiera This is how he has been with me not giving up, do you like him and do you trust him?
I know he is a mistake and I said I was not going to date someone older than me ex was 9 years older.
Sally I had a bit of counseling just after I left him but it wasn't to helpful x
I reckon you were not quite in the right place for counselling at that time, IDT, as there was so much upset around, it is only now that you are able to REALLY analyse things.
For both of you, kiera and IDT, it is still pretty early to be considering another relationship. I guess it may feel weird for both of you as one of the features of an abusive partner is that he continually pursues you (remember all those phone calls, kiera?) and any chap who pursues you now must ring alarm bells.
IDT if your health visitor remains The Invisible Woman then I agree, go to your GP
I called my hv and she said because he's six he's now under the school nurse and not her but she came out today for my sons two year health check and to post something nice that's made my day is what she said about him and my three year son
" that to say what you've been through you've protected your children and there a credit to you, you've come though it well and your children are happy and unaffected
I carnt remember her exact words but somethig like this and it just made me happy that they are happy and developing well so I wanted to share as it ment lots to me.
Iv saved the youngest two they are unaffected can fix my middle three :) and lost my oldest two xx
X
I feel so happy ;)
Had a good meeting with my solicitor yesterday she actaly helped me with things she said and then after I texted 'him' my ex I received this ;)
"the only thing we need to text about Is the children I have my life back now and you need to get back to tours"
Bingo I'm smiling like a Cheshire cat today
Exactly what I wanted to here x and I know now iv done it iv got what I want and iv won what I want and he's texts s teems to me that he's given up and in a sense lost
Its all good xx
hi hun listen just dont get ur hopes up these men say one thing and mean another, u cud get another txt soon sayin summat totally different, they want us to b unhappy remmeber not happy, x
Yeah kiera your right I know I'll never be free of him and he will always do anything to upset me
I did think when I got the text that he may be trying to put me off and make me drop my guard x
Er well I can dream ;)
Thanks Hun hope ur good x
sorry hun ope i avnt upset u, when i didnt hear off my ex for few days i was happy but theni wasnt i was worried and on edge thinkin why he quiet,wot is he planning,these men keep us on our toes dont they,yes we can dream,lol, im ok hun,x
U haunt upset me ur completely right
Yeah they do keep u on ur toes it's probably part of a plan in his head
He has backed off recently with texts etc x
Glad ur ok ;)
Hi IDT, the comments from your HV about your younger children are good to hear and you have every right to be proud off yourself.
As for your ex, keira could be right in that this could just be a blip and then he will be back on your case, but then again he could actually have accepted that you and him are over and is moving on i have seen both scenrios, hopefully it will be the latter in this case and he has accepted that it is over. Enjoy the moment!!
yes sally right enjoy the moment,my ex use let me down stay out all nyt, txt day after hiya babe can i cum ome, unbelievable while i was a wreck and and very angryx
Thankyou I will do ;)
If it latest or not
I'm sure that at some point they have to move on don't they
But I still think I have to be a bit on guard x
hun u always av to keep ur wits bout u, thts truth, but for the moment enjoy the peace, my ex ad never left his girlfriend, and ad baby while with me, these man av no morals do theyx
No they don't care it's all about them and what they want
Je thinks he can do anything and get away with it and he has but no ones stood up to him before and he don't like it cos he's never not got what he wants before and that's a bit scary I haunt got no protection from him now no police alarm and all that but shouldn't need it now x
It's hard to explain to your kids too why when he's their dad is he hurting me and them but in time they will make their own mind up about him
My kids so innocently ask him things that a kind parent would do and they experience t him to say yes I know before they ask he won't do it and they are puzzled as to why, last week I said it's because he doesn't want to help me I wanted to say other things like because he's an abusive twunt
It's really hard NOT to say those things, IDT but eventually they will see that for themselves. In the meantime things like "I dont really understand why dad has said/done that...never mind, we can all.....(and whatever you are going to do)" are quite helpful to say.
FANTASTIC that your health visitor said that, I bet you felt as proud as punch and no wonder! it's great when someone actually recognises all the hard work you have put in
Ahhaa! Fabulous IDT, YES, that is exactly what I meant! I love it, I could read the realisation in your post. it is brilliant.
I also love the fact that you are welcoming to new problems as your recognise that they are small in comparision and you CAN and WILL deal with them
Brill post, high five!