Hi im rachael im 21 yrs old and from bolton, i have son who is 22 month old and a boyfriend who dont treat me that nice, i feel so isolated and lonley as i dont have any friends at all, i feel like im going mad at times as all i seem to do is the same thing day in day out! Me and my boyfriend have issues which as caused a massive rift in our relationship he never ever spends time with me or my son as soon as he gets home hes straight upstairs on his xbox smoking weed, then tends to ignore me. He says i annoy him beacuse i am 'too nice' to him which i find really hurtfull he dont have any respect for me what so ever, he spits on me which is very degrading and i feel embarased writing this. i am just looking to meet some new friends who can provide better support and understanding than my boyfriend, i cant remember the last time had a conversation with someone beacuse its been a long time, i would be gratefull for people to get in contact with me. Thank you :)
Hi Rachael,
I really hope you take Anna's advice. You sound like a lovely person who is trying to do the right thing, but getting it thrown back in your face by someone who has some serious problems. Don't let it get any worse, act now.
Wish I could do more to help, but know that you'll have lots of people on here thinking of you and rooting for you.
Paul
Hello Anna,
Thanks for your post, thats like my boyfriend he dont just spit at me he is also abusive and smashes the house up i cry during the day when hes not here beacuse i look at my house and think why can i not have a nice house? he has hit me while i am holding our son and my son is so scared he clings on to me so hard he nips me!
He trys to minimise his voilence by calling it pushing and slapping im always cleaning up after him and he dont even contribute to the upbringing of our son. i just need a friend really.
I would consider something like that too, but i have no motivation in me at all i used to but my confidence is so low i get told i am pretty but i always think they r lying to make me feel good even when i have make up on i feel ugly and worthless.
Hello Paul,
Thank u for your post, i will take annas advice on board, the reason he is voilent towards me is because i have cheated on him we was only goin out for 4 month at the time and after 4 years together he still brings it up and ask for every detail but what will it gain? it will just make him more mad at me i didnt love him at the time and didnt think we wou ld be together for this long, he has cheated on me with my best friend 6 month ago they never had sex but me and my son was asleep in the next room i never bring that up and i have forgivven him for it so why is it different for me? i dont understand him at all, the signs are that he dont want to be with me but when i say i am leaving him he starts getting mad and crying. i just dont understand him at all.
Hello Rachael89
A big welcome to One Space, you are among friends here 
I agree it can be hard to find the motivation to start making positive steps to improve the situation, even though in your heart of hearts you know it is the answer. Unfortunately that is what an abusive partner trades on: knowing that your self esteem has been so battered by them that it is difficult for you to do positive things for yourself.
As a first step, get in touch with Women's Aid. Read their website and you will see that they totally understand what is happening to you. As Anna says, you do not have to end this relationship if you don't want to and the Women's Aid outreach service will be able to guide you through whatever process you need to undertake. Please do contact them, you can't go on like this.
Hi Rachael. Welcome along to One Space. Everyone here is extremely friendly and supportive, so you've come to the right place. Don't be embarrassed by anything, nobody here is going to judge you or anything. You know yourself that this way of living isn't right at all, and you've acknowledged this by posting on here. Abusive behaviour isn't acceptable at all, but added to that, he has done this when you've been holding your son. He doesn't contribute, he is awful to you, and you don't have to put up with it. Taking the initial step is always the hardest, but you really have to ask yourself if you want to carry on in an unloving relationship, when you can do so much better on your own, and one day, with someone who will love you and treat you with the respect you deserve. You feel ugly? I'm also guessing he has made you feel this way. Please keep posting, and we'll all give you our support. Take care.
Hi Hazeleyes, thanks for your post ur so right my relationship is unloving and abusive but for some reason i still want to be here i know that i will be happier leaving him but its the thought of will i find someone else? or am i good enough? yes he has made me feel ugly as he calls it me all the time but if he thinks of me in that way why is he still with me? i dont exactly have the perfect body after having my son i have no stretch marks but my tummy still isent its old self he knows i am paranoid about this and calls me about it, i have small boobs and i am very underweight which i am also insercure on i cant seem to put on weight i am 6 stone at 21 i do eat a lot but never gain anything and he also calls me about that id rather have the phisical abusive than the emotional because thats what gets to me the most i am crying writing this and i also have got really snappy with my son i used to be a placid person but now i shout over the slightest thing i hate myself but dont know how to change this situation as i dont want to leave him :(
hiya louise thanks for the advice i will have a look at that website later, i am also looking to meet new friends in the same situation as me or who i can talkl to have u any ideas where i can start?
Don't feel bad about it Rachael. Your reacting in a way that anyone would in a horrible situation like that. But the worse thing you can do is do nothing. Even if it's something small to start off with, you must do something to improve your situation and talking to the organisations mentioned would be a great start.
You probably can't put on weight because of the stress. When my wife left, the pounds, stones kilo's fell off me. Once you are happier in your own mind you'll probably start putting it on again. I have (and now I can't stop!)
When I was really stressed, I balled out my boys (still do at occasionally). My youngest drew a picture of someone looking really angry and aggressive, which I took as how he saw me (although he says it's not) I've kept it as a bookmark to remind me. Kids are very forgiving and I'm sure understand much more then we give them credit for.
Like I say, you made the first step by joining in here. Try and summon the courage to ask the experts and I'm sure you'll feel much better.
Paul
Hi paul,
Ive just tryed talking to my partner about my feelings on the phone then and he has just shadowed them with his and what i have done to him crying down the phone to him dont make him feel guilty because i have spoken about this to him now he is saying i cant have any money of cigerettes tonight i dont earn my own money and rely on him to provide for me but he just treats me like a child and takes things away from me i really cant cope anymore, i feel like taking my life at times but i stop and think about my son i want to see him grow up but i wish i could make J relise what he is doing to me and how it affects me i think he thinks it is normal to act like this.
If you're feeling that bad Rachael you can always call the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90. They are very helpful, understanding and with local knowledge, could probably point you in the direction of people close to you who can really help.
It sounds as if trying to talk to your boyfriend at this stage is not going to help.
I've got to go to work now, but I'll keep you in mind.
Paul
Hello again Rachael89
We can indeed give you LOTS of ideas about making new friends but it sounds as if the "friends" you need right now are Women's Aid and also what about your GP and Health Visitor, they will know about local support services. With your little one you could join a local toddler group but the first and most important thing is to get some professional help now
Hi Rachael89
I understand your predicament, i remember it well, I LOVED my man......it was going to be us growing old together, however, I now understand that however many times he cried, told me he loved me yadda yadda, he didn't... that is not what love is. Read this:
Mr Wrong
Do you recognise any of these? All these get discussed at the Freedom Programme. Now look at this:
Mr Right
This applies to both sexes of course, but I hope that you recognise just how wrong things are for you.
You are about to start on a really scary journey, if you wish, and I hope with all my heart that with our support, you will take that step in faith that you are doing it to better your and your sons life.
One word of caution though Rachael89, DON'T talk to your partner about this. It will give him ammunition, when you are at your most vulnerable. You need to find your own feet and independence and not hand over any more of yourself at this time.
Contacting Womens Aid and the Freedom Programme DOES NOT mean you have to leave your boyfriend, it just means you are empowering yourself. We are all here for you.
Tell me, what did you think of Mr Right and Mr Wrong?
hiya anna, i can point out loads of things on the mr wong list that he does to me and only 1 or 2 things on the mr right section, i wont talk to him about it tonight i will just stay out of his way like usaull, my health visitor knows how im being treated and has referred me to fort alice i will still be posting but i would like to thanks all of you for your support it has cheered me up a lot. Thanks alot everyone :) x
just to let you know i have rang fort alice and have a appointment for nxt weds feeling a bit more positive now :)
Hi Rachael89
Sorry to hear what is going on. Anna & Louise advice is def something to take onboard.
Keep posting as people on here will listen and support
Hi Rachael. So pleased you've got an appointment. You see, you are taking steps already 
Please keep posting, and do let us know how you get on.
Anna, wow, I could identify with the Mr Wrong. Thankyou for listing them. Took me back in time, that's for sure.
Rachael89.
Loads of hugs and strength from me.
I'm so glad you've made this appointment.
Well done Rachael.
Hope it all goes well.
Paul
Hi Rachael89
Well done from me too, thats the 1st step to a better life, keep going you are doing great.
Thinking of you 
Hi everyone thanks for your support its been great!
Had a awfull night last night he decided to take all the cigerettes off me i feel ashamed to say this but i was in tears not because i could'nt have a cigerette but because he has told me i cant have 1, he also told me he wasnt attracted to me anymore and that hurt me so much as i am really insercure about my looks, when i shouted at him he decided to push me over and the corner of the saftey gate hit my neck and i felt like i could'nt breath.
I really needed someone to cuddle and reassure me that everything was ok, so i asked J for a cuddle i dont know why i wanted one off him because he had just hit me but i hugged him for ages and cryed on his shoulder and there was no sorry or explanation he just sat bk down as normal, i just wanna feel loved :(
In time, things will be ok, not immediately, but they will be. With that one, you need to believe it and be strong.
His behaviour certainly isn't right. You certainly don't want love off an abusive person.
If you can, speak to your health visitor. She may be able to bring the appointment forward.
Loads of hugs.
Hi Rachael89
Sending some hugs your way, a man should never ever touch a women in anger for any reason it is just not right. Hope the appointment next wednesday goes well it is a start for you.
Morning Rachael89
You deserve better and in time if you take the right steps you will make it its one day at a time.
This is your life and you do have a choise even though its hard to leave a abusive at the start you can do it.
We are all here to support you all the way.
Stuart
Hi Rachael89
Is there anywhere you can go and stay for a few days with your son? Im not suggesting it has to be forever but to give yourself a little space so that you can relax and have some "me" time. If you dont have somewhere to go, would you consider a refuge, they are wonderful places where you will get all the help and support you need, I speak from personal experience.
What happened last night is not right and there are no excuses for the way he treated you. Please dont let him continue to treat you like this, you deserve so much better and I know you dont believe that right now as your self esteem has been chipped away at but you can and will regain your confidence.
You say you dont have any money at all of your own, do you receive child benefit for your son, if you do then maybe you could "borrow" just a tiny amount for yourself, it is ok to do that.
Please keep posting on here and as everyone has said we will all be here to support you.
Thinking of you xxx
I have been where you are now, I didnt even own a purse there was little point as I never had any money but I promise you things can get better
Thanks for your support its been a great help, ive spoke to my health visitor about this and she is giving me some help, i dont really want to go into a refuge i am on my own during the day and at night when he gets home from work he goes upstairs so its like im on my own all the time. I dont want to love him anymore so it would be easier for me to leave but im still madly in love with him and i really cant understand why.
My mum suffered from domestic voilence when i was a child and i saw everything what happened i even saw him hold a knife to my mums neck when i was 5, that destroyed my child hood and made me grow up to be a nervous shy person, i also said i would never let a man treat me that way but hey look where i am now, if that destroyed my childhood imagine what i am doin to my son, i feel like i dont derseve to be a mum beacuse i should have more respect for me and my son and just leave as i know this will affect my son in the long run, hopefully when i have been to this appt and keep going i will relise i can do better but at the moment i find it hard to make my own desicions and i dont feel like i derserve the chance to sort my life out because he has made me think i am in capable of doing it, i just want to change for him so i can make him happy i try my best but my best is'nt good enough. i dont like going on like this because i sometimes think who will care about me? and i dont wanna seem like im looking for sympathy because im not my head is so messed up its unreal!
Hi Rachael89
That is exactly what abusive men/women do to their partner, they wear them down to the point that they feel worthless and unable to function without them, its called control.
You are good enough, you can and will get through this and you will find you are stronger than you ever thought you could be. Hold your head up high, you have been so brave so far and you can do this.
Lots of us on here have been where you are and completely understand what you are feeling and let me assure you its is all "normal".
You dont come across as looking for sympathy, you are asking how can you make things better for yourself and your son, nothing wrong in that at all.
xxx
It worries me that you say you want to change so that you can make him happy, you are not reponsible for what he does, he and many others like him enjoy putting people down and making them feel useless, it is bullying.
You are good enough, I know you dont believe me but there are lots of good men out there who would not treat you like this, you deserve so much better!!!!!!
xxx
Hi Rachael89
It is great news to hear that you have an appointment with Fort Alice, well done you, give yourself a pat on the back. It is not easy admitting to yourself, let alone others, that you need their support with this.
You are recognising something is not quite right and you are doing something about it. Remember....... small steps.
One of the things that is very typical of this type of character is, just when a woman starts to feel a little stronger and maybe happier, a dominant person sees that and feels the need to bring them down. I wonder if you were feeling slightly better yesterday evening and that is why he decided to control your cigarette intake (whaaaat??). The fact that you retaliated, he felt the need to bring you down further by pushing you. One thing that we discuss on the Freedom Programme is that an abusive person is always in control.......he knows exactly what he is doing and why he is doing it.
Unfortunately I too, recognise many of your emotions and experiences and sad to say, they are sooo similar amongst dominators.
You do have a choice whether you will be a victim in this or a free person. You will need support from outside organisations as bully's don't listen to words or empathise or sympathise, they will do what they do to get what THEY want regardless.
Please keep all of this to yourself, don't mention Fort Alice to your boyfriend or these boards, it needs to be something that is just yours, for now at least.
You may wish to consider changing your username too, so if he found this website, you would not be recognisable. Just click on My Profile at the very top of the page and change it
No abusive person wants their partner to leave them and they will do anything necessary to keep them. So you need to build up your strength to recognise what you will accept in your life and what you won't.
You are a strong person and you have your whole future ahead of you. What are you up to this week?
Hello Rachael89
These lovely ladies can give you plenty of threads and support to help you out of your situation please do listen.
You have seen domestic violence first hand and would you want to put your child through that please think about that.
Yes ok you love your partner do you think hes loving you back would you treat someone you love like that ?????
This partner sounds like a bully and he knows hes got you where he wants you but you must find the strength to stand on your own two feet and say no i dont deserve to be treated like this and there are good men out there who one day with love you right.
Stuart
Hi Rachael. Thinking of you lots. You say you're finding it hard to make your own decisions. This is because he isn't allowing you to have any control whatsoever. You do however make decisions everyday regarding your son, your boyfriend isn't around then, so don't put yourself down about whether you're a good mum because you are.
Everybody needs a hug, so don't feel bad that even though he hurt you last night, it was him that you wanted a cuddle from. Stay strong, and with help and support, you will get through these bad times. Take care
x
hello Rachael89
It is great that you have an appointment and also that you have talked to your Health Visitor. HOORAY FOR YOU!!!!
No wonder you felt you needed a hug last night, the violence took you right back to the age of five when you saw what your Mum went through, and the comfort and reassurance your craved then. It's a normal reaction.
We are all here for you.
Hi Rachael89
I hope tonight has been better for you.
Thinking of you xxx
Hi Rachael,
Glad to hear that you have made some progress. Take all the professional support you can get and things will get better and better.
Sounds like you've got lots of folks thinking of you and pulling for you.
Paul
Hiya everyone,
Last night he was talking to me nice and i got cigerettes yay! lol
Still feeling down thou havent forgot that he told me he isnt attracted to me anymore i am just wondering if he said it to hurt me but on the other hand i think its true heres my pics (Facebook link, edited out)
How is everyone this morning? :))
hello Rachael89
Your pics are LOVELY, but I am sorry, I have had to remove the link as we are not allowed to put FB links on this site as then all sorts of people night contact you!!
Why don't you put a pic of you and/or your boy on our Family Quilt?
Glad things are feeling slightly better this morning, I know you are down but we are here for you.
I'm glad you had a better day.
hi louise il have a look at that tomorw because i need to get my usb from my mums so il put some pics of us all on there had a quick look and it looks good, thanks sparklinglime how have u been? x
Hi Rachael. Hope tonight is another good night for you. Thinking of you.
I'm ok thanks. Thinking of you too.
Hi Rachael89
When you live with someone like your boyfriend, life becomes a huge rollercoaster, it took me years to find and enjoy life in a balanced way. When I worked for a domestic violence agency, I learnt the Cycle of Violence and it goes like this:
Abuse (physical or emotional) ------
------Lies (partner often denies everything or says it was only a little push, or I was only joking) -------
-------Hearts and flowers (partner tries to create a good atmosphere so they don't feel or seem guilty, this can often be similar to the initial honeymoon period of a relationship) -----------
------------Normality (everything seems right and normal, this can be for a couple of months, days or even hours) ---------
-----------Tension building (you start to feel aware that you are treading on eggshells again or controlling techniques are coming into play again) ------
-----Abuse -----and so the cycle goes on.
When I first heard this it made SO much sense to me and I wish I had known it earlier as then I could recognise what was going on in my life.
Do you recognise this pattern??
Hi Rachael89
How are you? Did you go to the appt at Fort Alice today? If you did how did it go?
Do hope you are ok, thinking of you xxx
Hi Rachael89, welcome to One Space.
Your message struck a chord with me, because after 7 years of living with someone who was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive, I finally left him. It wasn't the black eyes or the kicking, or even broken fingers, that pushed me to leave him, it was when he spat at me IN THE STREET.
It was sooo humiliating, so I understand your pain, but now is the time to take responsibility for what is going on in your life and protect your son from growing up watching his mum being degraded. I wish someone had told me to wake up.
It sounds as though your respect for yourself is very low and because of this you are allowing this dreadful behaviour.
I would strongly recommend you find a Freedom Programme in your area. You will make new friends and learn that your partners behaviour is abusive. It will give you a renewed courage and self respect.
This does not mean that your relationship has to end, it is more about empowering you to make conscious decisions on what makes you happy.
Would you consider visiting something like this??