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Oh dear, that really is ridiculous! What were they doing then, to be too busy to eat?
he took them to the park. Every time they sat down to eat their food he started another game/activity even though they kept telling him they were hungry.
I had a long talk with my eldest yesterday. She was telling me things that he does and says when they're with him which she doesn't like. He speeds when he takes them in the car which she finds frightening. I told her she needs to tell him she's scared but she said that if she tells him things like that he dosen't like it and gets angry with her and then wont speak to her (sounds familiar!!). He also makes fun of her friend, calling her a thicko because of the school she's going to, this really upset A, but again she wouldn't tell him because of the way he reacts.
I found it really hard to listen to her without getting angry, but I managed it.
Why does he behave this way? Can't he see how damaging it is for the children 
It is so frustrating isn't it pancakequeen. Unfortunately your girls know how to handle him too well.
There is little you can do to get involved in their relationship, I think it is great that your eldest is opening up to you and telling you how she is feeling, all we can do is support and listen. Whereas we used to be able to tell our partners, how to deal with certain situations, now we can't and it can be so frustrating. Our children have to mold their relationship with the absent parent in the way that they need.
Well done for not getting angry as this doesn't help anyone and although your daughter has said she won't say ceretain things to her dad, you may find that she might try it next time.
Thanks Anna,
It is very frustrating watching her struggle with her feelings, I really want to call him and point out what he's doing but I know you're right. It is very hard to adjust to dealing with things differently now that we are no longer a couple.
Some children choose to write a letter to a parent when there are difficult things to say...the one thing you have to be careful of is that he would think you put her up to it. Yes keep calm, but I would be inclined to start a little book and note things that have been difficult eg "30.7.12 A said she was frightened because her dad speeds in the car. Children both report not being allowed to eat even though they were both hungry."
Keep adding to this when anything happens, as you never know when it may be needed. Also if anything the girls say indicates danger, such as them not wearing seatbelts in the car etc then you must speak to your solicitor straight away.
Thanks Louise,
He's got them this afternoon, no packed lunch though as neither of the girls wanted one. I have put some snacks together for them which they can eat if they're hungry.
The note book is a good idea, I wished I'd kept one when we were divorcing because I have forgotten some of things he did during that time.
Deep breaths
Yes deep breaths! It can feel a bit weird starting a notebook but in fact it is merely because we DO forget in the midst of all the stress and upheavals
Hope the girls got on ok yesterday and your return to work will go smoothly.
They had a good time with their dad. A rang him and persuaded him to pick them up half an hour earlier as they were on school holidays, unfortunately he then brought them home half an hour early, so they didn't gain anything!
When he drops them off he has started coming up to the window and looking in. He used to come in the house, but I got so fed up of him making nasty comments that I don't let him in anymore. I find it really creepy and threatening when he looks in at my home. I don't know if he thinks I've got some one in the house, or if he's just letting me know that although I no longer let him in he can still have a look round if he wants to. I wish he'd just leave me alone
Aww bad luck pancakequeen. It sounds as though he is just trying to intimidate you.
Which window is it that he looks through? Is there anyway that you can not be in that room. So although you know he is doing it, you are in control of it?
Hmmm I would draw the curtains of that room before they are due back, that is what my friend used to do when her daughter's dad used to come and knock at the window and look in!
Great that they had a good time with him though
Thanks ladies,
I saw my counsellor today and she suggested I draw the curtains too, think I'll try that and see how it goes.
Yes they do enjoy their time with their dad, which is good, I hope that continues inspite of everything else.
That man...................
A was on a sleepover and needed picking up at 10.30. He is having the girls today and normally picks up at 10.00. I emailed him about A's party and asked if he would mind picking her up (didn't get a reply!). Both H and I assumed he would pick H up at as normal at 10.00. She was really excited as she would have half an hour of time with him on her own....but no.....he picked her up at 10.25, she was devastated.
I can't believe how selfish he is.
GRRRRR! AS they get older PQ, they will be able to articulate their wishes to him directly, whereas now it feels as if he just does his own thing, without thinking. Maybe you need to spell it out in words of one syllable for him each time?
lol, yes that would be interesting...although I always come of worse when I point things out to him, so i will probably keep my thoughts to myself for now 
H has been really opening up to me lately, so I will concentrate on being there for her, its quite amazing how much she has stored in her head, if/when she decides to talk to her dad she'll have a tonne of stuff to dump on him. Wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall for that one 
So pleased that your relationship with your daughter is positive and open, it is so important.
Did they have a good time in the end?
Feelind quite stressed today. Had a run in with my ex last night when he dropped the girls off.
He's mad because I've been returning his mail to sender. I used to take it for him and pass it on, but I found out he was using my address for 'financial acitviy' and was advised to stop him using the address. I told him this but he's obviously carried on as his mail kept coming, so now I just send it back.
Anyway he's now realised and he's mad, I kept out of his way yesterday when he dropped girls off, but he's been rinigng me, last night and this morning, also rang my eldest too, I've been ignoring him but am worried what he will do next. He left a voicemail but I couldn't make out what he was saying, I heard him say 6 o'clock tonight. I'm worried he's going to come round so I've made arrangements to go to a friend's house for the night.
It upsets me that he stresses me out this way, I feel scared and anxious again.
hi hun aw its awful when u feel like tht, i no the feeling when my ex said he was cuming round or made out he was cumin round, i was on edge alot of the time, how long have u been split up from ex for, ive read sum ur posts, il read all ur post todayx
Hi PQ, kiera is right, it is awful worrying about them coming round. Good plan to go to your friend's. You are eminently reasonable in not wanting post at your house, especially with the financial stuff, did you do a search of Experian?
No, it all came to light when I renewed my child credit claim. The Inland Revenue launched an investigation into my claim as a single parent as they had evidence that suggested he was still living at the address. Thats when I was told about the 'financial activity', they wouldn't say what it was, just said it suggested that he was still living there!! It was a really stressful time as the letter I got went on to say that making fraudulant claims was against the law, and if found guilty I could face a prison sentence 
. They were the ones who advised me to return all his post to sender
Hi pancakequeen, you are doing nothing fraudulently, so your mind can be at ease with that one.
I hope that you have a good eve with your friends tonight. Perhaps you could turn your daughters phone off for the weekend and leave yours on silent, just so it doesn't become an evening of aggro?
How are you this morning, pancake queen?
Hi,
Had a lovely evening with my friend last night.
I text him yesterday and told him if he had anything he wanted to discuss with me he should email me. He has since text me 4 times with the question why, the last time being at 6 am! He's at work now so I know he wont contact me but am expecting it to continue tonight. I'm out again this evening and the girls will be at his mum's.
It sounds silly when I talk about it, to be scared because someone is texting me, but I know how mad he is and its what he does when he's angry that worries me, he can be so unpredictable. Part of me thinks I should contact him and try and make the peace but I know that is the old me talking, the me who put up with so much from him. I know I need to be strong and let him be responsible for himself and his actions, but it is really hard when I feel so anxious and scared again. I feel like I have taken loads of backward steps.
Thanks everyone for your support, its been comforting to know I can come on here and share my worries with you all.
Kiera, my ex moved out a year ago, and the divorce came through last november. He has continued to manipulate and bully me ever since, the freedom programme has helped me realise that and I have started to put some firm boundaries in place, which is probably why he is acting up again at the moment. I started to read your thread the other day, you sound a lot happier now?
Glad you are Ok and it is NOT a backward step, PQ. Of course it is scary when he texts you, it intrudes over the boundaries you are comfortable with.
When you were talking about his repeated texts, it reminded me of a child, tugging at its parent's coat tails. And just like the parenting techniques we suggest on here, you did the right thing: IGNORE BAD BEHAVIOUR. You don't need to "make peace" with him, you're right, it was a pattern and oh so easy to fall back into it.
Hold your nerve, you are doing great!
PQ, I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, and sorry if I'm repeating things. Have you done a credit check?
I did and it showed that The Git was trying to get another loan using my name. I was able to put a note on my records to disassociate myself from him.
I was advised to return mail to sender too, as with your ex, he had plenty of time to redirect things.
I'm sorry he's scaring you.
I'm glad you had a good time with your friend.
Thanks everyone,
I think I will do a credit check Sparklinglime, its very concerning what he could be up to.
I've had one more text from him, a cryptic threat about how he couldn't email me until friday, that it was my choice and I would have to deal with things, whatever 'things' are. I ignored him again and haven't heard anything else. He'll be dropping the girls off tomorrow so we'll see what he has to say then.
Do any of you know if its possible to stop someone using your address? I'm going to email the legal advise people today, but thought I'd ask in case any of you lovely people knew.
Hi pancakequeen, sorry I don't know the answer to that, I am glad you have contacted our advisors.
I think Louise hit it on the head, the Ignore Bad Behaviour technique!!
It is horrible when you feel as though you are back to square one with your emotions and you feel wobbly all over again, but this is a test and if you stand firm, you will be getting your message across.
I am glad you had a good time with your friend on Friday, what did you get up to on the Saturday whilst your girls were with their grandma?
Hi Anna,
I went to a party at my ex sister in laws, it was a great night, I got to stay over at hers and let my hair down 
Woo hoo! Sounds like great fun! :)
hi wanted to no av u bin thru court, ad fonecall from child contact services, to scared ring er bk, surly my thug of ex isnt goin to b allowed to see my little girl mean next hearing not til november plus he as do a drug test,, he as pay for it himself, sorry just got myself worked up over itx
Hi kiera, will reply to you on your thread.
Pancake queen, it is something about being the "adult" here, which you are being. Deep breaths!
Hi Kiera,
I don't know anything about the court system as I didn't need to use it myself. Why don't you call her back? Once you know what its about you can decide what to do.
The girls were with their dad yesterday. I was worried he would kick off when he dropped off so I retreated into the house after opening the door so he couldn't talk to me, which worked well, although he did throw a pile of DVDs on the floor that he was carrying instead of giving them to the girls which I though was a bit mean.
Once again, pq, very childish behaviour from him. The more he does this, the more calm and adult you can be, high five to you.
He makes me so mad with his games. It was his access day on the saturday we were away, I discussed it with him 2 months before hand, he had a major moan about it but eventually agreed. Whilst we're away he turns up at the ususal time on the saturday (obviously forgot), he went round to my neighbours house to ask if they knew where we were, when they told him we had gone away he told them that he had no knowledge of this and slagged me off!! He then emailed me, told me how my behaviour was unacceptable and that he was going to deal with it when I got back!! I was really upset by this and anxious about what I was going to face when I got back. Anyway I emailed him back pointing out that I had already discussed it with him, he then acknowledged that he had made a mistake (no apology though!).
He then cancells his access (yesterday) 15 mins before he was due to arrive and although he said it was due to a hospital appointment which overan, he didn't need to cancel the whole afternoon, something fishy there me thinks. In answer to your comment on another thread louise, I really try to keep the arrangements with their father low key, as although he hasn't cancelled like this before, he does do bizarre things like make them clean his home whilst they're with him, so dissapointment is often about.
They're next due to see him next week but they will be away at my brothers, again something I have discussed with him already, but it became apparent when my girls were talking to him that he is expecting to see them next week.
I'm not sure whether I should point it out to him or let him turn up again and face the concequences??
Would it be easier reminding him? I'm just thinking how he would be with you if he did turn up and they weren't there...
I agree spakling lime,that reminding him would probably be easier for me in the long run, but surely he needs to take responsibilty for himself and his own aarrangements?
I am also trying to keep communication between us to a minimum as he often uses any opportunity he can to 'have a go'.
Hello PQ
How annoying for him to just turn up like that when you were on holiday. Did it feel like some sort of "revenge" towards you, that he cancelled the other day?
I agree that he SHOULD take responsibility for the times he has them BUT...what you are trying to achieve here is the least distress for the girls so if that means reminding him then so be it. However, I wonder if we can come up with a way of doing it that minimises the likelihood of him having a go at you. When he brings them back again from his time with him, could the "next time" be confirmed then? or do you not see him? or how about devising a slip of paper which you can fill in with the next time details and just hand it over? or would that make him worse? You are the best judge of how to approach him as you know him.
Hi louise, I did wonder about revenge, when A was pressing him on the phone about why he wouldn't come and get them after his appointment, he said that he had been there on the saturday and they had chosen to go away so it wasn't his fault they hadn't seen him!!
I decided in the end last night to email him about next week. I think you're right, I want the girls to have as little distress as possible. Anyway, he didn't remember they were going away, but at least he knows now.
I guess I find it really hard, when we were married he expected me to keep on top of all the arrangements, he wouldn't deal with anything, but he would make me feel like a failure if I forgot anything. I don't want to go back to that again.
Ah pq, that sounds horribly familiar. Once there was a sporting event my boys' dad wanted to go to and he really procrastinated about getting his ticket and by the time he got round to it, they were sold out and I said oh dear, I expect it is because you are so late trying to buy them. He said "Well you should have nagged me more" Oh! My fault!
That is the sign of someone not really having grown up and, as you say, not taking responsibility.The good news is that his contact with the girls is the ONE AND ONLY thing you have to be involved in now and once they are older they will do it themselves anyway.
Thanks Louise,
this is the one and only thing I need to do, and I'm doing it for the girls, I just need to keep reminding myself that.
I really am at my wits end over my xmas arrangements with my ex.
I thought we had made our plans in a very reasonable and grown up way. I had the girls last year so offered him the opportunity to spend xmas with them this year. He accepted and agreed to pick them up at 3 after he'd finished work and have them over night. I was then invited to go to his mum's for xmas lunch with the girls and so I could have a drink she said I could stay the night. He doesn't want to come to his mum's to pick them up (its 20 minutes away from mine) and he's tried various ways to get me to stay at home, including whinging to his mum. He won't have a proper conversation about it with me and I don't think its reasonable to change my plans because he wont drive the 20 minutes so I have said no.
Last night he rang to say that as I won't change my plans he won't have the girls on xmas and he wants them on boxing day instead. I have already made arrangements with another family for boxing day so I have said no to that as well!
He has given me 24 hours to change my mind, if I won't he won't see them over xmas and he will refuse me permission to take them abroad on holiday next year too.
I'm so angry about it all I can't think straight.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I change my xmas plans? I think he is just making idle threats to get me to do what he wants but what if he really won't see the girls over xmas, they will be devastated.
Hello PQ
I am trying hard not to be judgemental here but I can't help it...the word selfish springs to mind! Gosh. in my work I see and talk with so many parents who are heartbroken not to see their children, especially at Christmas, and here he is turning down the opportunity. Poor you! this is a real power game that is being pulled on you.
Firstly, send off an email to our Legal Expert to check but I am pretty sure you do not need express permission to take the girls abroad for a holiday...yes he could take a court action to prevent you but seems unlikely it would succeed (using common sense here, not legal expertise!)
Secondly, whatever the answer above, it is ridiculous to have to keep chopping and changing. You have arrangements Boxing Day, why should you change them? He has already put a spanner in the works with changing the childcare plan. He is welcome to come and pick the girls up on Christmas Day as you have said (put this in writing by the way and keep a copy, just in case).....an alternative (for the girls' sake not his!) might be to say no we are not changing our plans but if you want to pop and see the girls Christmas Eve then that is fine.
Let us know what the Legal Expert says
Thanks louise. I'll email them today.
Good luck pancake queen. 
Emailed my ex on friday, just confirming that it wasn't possible for him to have the girls on boxing day as I have prior arrangements. He's emailed back saying he'll pick them up from his mum's at 3pm (yey!) but he won't have them on the thursday (which is his scheduled day) as he has made work commitments. If thats to get at me its backfired as the only people upset are the girls, but they can tackle him about it next time they see him.
I've also booked the holiday, which the girls told him about this week. They said he grunted and didn't seem pleased. We'll see what he does about that, but I imagine it will be nothing.
I emailed the legal expert and will let you know what they say.
I might sound harsh but I'd be inclined to tell him unless he can provide decent shelter and food he cant see them. Get onto csa as well. If he wants to be a dad he should pull his finger out and take resposibility for providing for his kids.
If he gets threatening, get a solicitor all you want is the best for your kids and a decent place to go and food is a necessity.
Hi pancake queen, glad that he has agreed to the 3pm, shame about the Thursday though, however hopefully the girls can talk to him about this as it is an arrangement about them.
Holiday booked! Hurray! Where are you going? He would look the evil guy to the girls if he tried to stop you taking them on holiday. Do you think he has plans to take them away too?
Hi Colie
Lets not forget that the girls have a right to see their father and that they do want to see him. He has struggled with the break up and needs to find his feet too, after all of this. Are the actions that you have suggested, what you have needed to do?
Hi Anna,
We're going to Tunisia. Wouldn't normally be able to afford anything like that, but I got a bit of money from my grandad so thought I'd treat us . I doubt my ex will take the girls away, he promised them a weekend away this summer which never happened, but I live in hope.
Collie, thank you for your comments. Even though my ex has and continues to be quite difficult, I would never stop him from seeing them, or use it as a threat.
Woohoo Tunisia! Are you doing all inclusive with kids club? My mum took me and my daughter there when she was about 5, we had a lovely time, the food was great, the people were great and so was the weather! Have you been before?
The saga continues.
I sent the girls to their dads with a packed lunch on thursday as I had been off work and could make it for them before they went.....and guess what....he wouldn't give them the time to eat it!!!!!
That man drives me round the bend