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Hi,
My ex is insisting that I provide our children with a packed lunch when they go and visit him.
He lives in a camper van on the side of the road and initially he didn't want to take them there so I agreed to send them with food as they would get hungry. However now he does take them there but is still insisting that I provide them with food.
I don't know what to do 
Oooh blimey pancakequeen. I'd be thinking along the lines of, he should feed them. After all, even if he is on benefits, I'm sure he can manage a few bits and pieces. Then again, if you insist he feeds them, he might be awkward and say he won't have them. Not sure on this one, sorry.
Hi Mary,
He has been unemployed for a long time but he started a new job over a month ago.
What infuriates me is he gives them lunch when he has them on a saturday but he won't give them tea after school in the week. He cooks for himself so why he can't do something for them aswell I don't know. I think its more to do with him controlling me and telling me what to do, I've been doing the freedom programme and this seems like badfather tactics to me!
I told him today that I wasn't going to send them with a packed lunch and I've told the girls that if he wont feed them I'll cook them something when they get home. I've already had 2 nasty text messages so I'm expecting the worse when he drops them off later
Hazeleyes, its a tough one I agree. I've said no on this occassion but I know I will pay for it!!
If he has them after school, does this mean he picks them up from the school? If yes, then i would definately stand my ground by not sending a packed lunch. If they come home to you first, could you maybe make them a bite to eat before they go?
I'm glad you stood your ground with him though. Keep the nasty texts (in case needed for future reference). Hope you'll be okay when he drops the girls home.
The Git never gave my lot tea in the days he saw them for an evening... Never understood it.
Clearly all morons 
Or Gits
Am feeling cheerier by the minute
gits, idiots, morons and plonkers
shall we call them all gimps 
I love this site, thanks everyone you've made me smile!
Hazeleyes, he does pick them up straight from school so their packed lunch sits in a smelly cloakroom all day, it must be rank by the time they get it.
The 'gimp' dropped the girls off having not given them any tea, he told the girls that he gave me money every month therefore it was my job to feed them not his!! He never ceases to amaze me.
Right first things first, my imaginary glasses are at the ready and throwing a stern look at you all to say: let's calm down with the names, however justified it might be (gets out book to write down who might be deducted two team points for being naughty..... after previous complaints that too long on the cold naughty step could trigger haemorroids)
Ok, let's get to the matter in hand. It's not ideal for them to have a lunchbox standing all say in the smelly cloakroom and it feels like he is opposing you on this as a matter of "principle" On the other hand, your girls could be hungry. I would be inclined to send a snack that doesn't need refrigeration, eg a cereal bar and a couple of satsumas each or a bag of cheesy biscuits and a few grapes in a tub so they have had something and then cook tea for when they get home.I have seen this happening a few times and in one case the dad lived in an enormous house and had pots of money but, as with you, it was "I give your mum money to feed you"
If I did not live with my children and therefore had not much time with them, I would just want to have lovely times with them and one of the pleasures would be to share a meal with them or give them a treat. Not doing this is yet another example of feelings about a former partner being put ahead of what is best for the children.
I think you're right, pancakequeen, and he's trying to play power games. Ask the girls if they get hungry or if they can last till they come home. And then make your decision in their interest.
Sound advice, Hopeful. And although I'm glad you got a smile from it pancakequeen, I agree with Louise about the name calling. After all, we're not the ones acting like spoiled children here, are we ladies? 
In all seriousness, yes this does seem like a 'game' if your ex is cooking for himself pancakequeen. Louise's idea of a snack that doesn't need refridgeration is a good one. If you do your best not to be rattled by your girls' dad's behaviour, there is a strong possibility that he'll realise that he can't 'push your buttons' in this way and start cooking for them too in the future.
Hi,
Point taken about the name calling.....
Thanks everyone for the advice, I have decided to ask the gilrs on the morning they see their dad, if they want a packed lunch I'll make one otherwise I shall stop.
I hope you're right Mary, and that he will start to feed them himself eventually, I shall try and keep my patience in tack.
Sounds like a good plan to let the girls decide if they take a pack up or not, pancakequeen.
It's a case (as with so many things) of 'wait and see', but if your ex realises you aren't annoyed or upset by his behaviour there's a good chance he'll give it up as a lost cause.
Its not rising to the bait which is the hardest part though....but I'm trying my best.
Party poopers 
I will go to the naughty corner then
AT ONCE lrh. God, you'll be on it a long time, but not as long as Sparkling
Perhaps we could have a party there...
now there is an idea - we could play at corners
With wine... Well perhaps sparkling water and a dash of lime for me.
twiglets?
and quavers
Think we'll all end up in naughty corner, if we don't depart this thread 
Is my halo straight?
pq, we didn't mean to bombard your thread, so sorry.
Leave pq the quavers and twiglets at least
Thanks....you can take the twiglets (yuk) but I'll keep the quavers
I'm not a crisp fan, but do like quavers...
This reminded me of when my son came home from school without his key (when we 1st seperated and the exs mothe rlived around the corner - he rang the csa and asked if he could reduce his money that week as he had given my son a sandwich!!
Twiglets all the wayyyyyyyyyyy x
Happy mamma that is sooooooo funny, in a shocking kind of way.
Pancake Queen
Sorry a bit late in joining this conversataion, but noticed your comment about 'bad father' on the freedom programme. Ive just finished the course, and have to agree, also theres a bit of the 'king of the castle' going on!
Wish I hadnt of missed the party, and name calling! soz
I agree with what you're saying about pancakequeen's ex and the 'king of the castle' role, help me now.
How is the situation going, pq?
My ex thought he was someone until the police slapped him with an harassement warning not so king of the castle now
Hi, thanks for all the comments.
Things have quietened down a bit now. I've found if I just do what I think is right and ignore his 'disapproving' comments he gets bored and backs off. Until he thinks of another way to try to control the situation!!
Happy mamma, your anecdote sounded so familiar, its comforting to know that I'm not alone.
oh pancakequeen your not but this site keeps me sane
That's good to hear, happy mama.
He does sound like a real control freak, pq. Glad that the situation has settled down.
Hope you've seen my message on Chat & find this response, pancakequeen.
It is my understanding that if your financial maintainance agreement has been settled in court, then the only way it can be amended is by returning to court (imagine how tight your ex is going to look if he insists on going back & saying he wants the amount adjusted to take into account the meals he has to provide whilst the girls are in his care!) To me, it feels like he is trying to find another way to push your buttons/control you.
Run the situation by our legal expert here; but it is my feeling that if you can tell him that ok, he can reduce the payments he makes but it has to be considered by a magistrate in order for him to do so, he'll decide it isn't worth his while.
Thanks Mary,
I feel a bit calmer about it now. I had a bad night stewing on it and woke feeling mad as hell.
I have emailed him, I no longer reply to him via text message as its too easy to be pulled into a text argument!! and said that if he wants to adjust his payments he needs to apply through the court, I haven't heard anything back, but he has the girls after school today so he may say something when he drops them back.
The thing that annoys me the most is that A starts senior school in september, its going to cost me about £250 to kit her out in uniform etc and £950 a year for the school bus and I haven't asked him for a penny. He's wingeing about a couple of quid to provide them with a meal .
I'll have a look at the link you provided.
Thanks again
No problem, pancakequeen. Emailing seems like a sensible route to take. A's father also likes to provoke arguments via text, so I know where you're coming from there.
It's farcical isn't it, that so many absent fathers (& perhaps absent mothers too, I don't know) create over a few pounds without taking in the bigger picture. Children cost a small fortune to keep & then they insist on outgrowing clothing & shoes regularly too!
Hope you've had a definitive answer from our legal expert by now.
Wishing you well,
Mary
Hi Mary,
I haven't heard from the legal team, but it hasn't been 5 days yet.
He hasn't said anything more about the money so he may have just been making trouble, I'll find out on 1st August when the payment comes through, see if he's deducted any!!
Hi Mary/Louise,
I still haven't heard back from the legal team....it seems to be taking a long time??
Hi pancake queen, I am sorry to read that you have not heard back from our legal team, I will look into it today and get back to you.
Got a reply from the legal team.
They've confirmed what everyone thought, He's not entitled to reduce payments based on him feeding them. He can reduce payments for overnight stays, but as he doesn't have them overnight thats not an issue.
The only problem I have is if he decides to give me less money I'll have to pursue it either through the court or the CSA.
Yes that is true, PQ and it is a pain but that is what you might have to do. At least you know the ins and outs of it now.
Its so difficult when you are at the mercy of someone else being reasonanble. I'm trying really hard to not rise to his threats and get into an arguement with him, but I'm left with these feelings of frustration which are hard to cope with.
Yes, that would leave me feeling pretty angry, PQ. One thing you can do is write him a letter (and dont send it) You can be as rude as you like!
That sounds like a good idea....I'll give it a go
Hello again pancakequeen.
I had a similar issue with A's dad when we first split up. Can I ask, is your ex partner working? Is it that money is an issue for him at the moment?