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Hi Bella, do you remember that song 'If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again', I used to have that mantra going round my head. There are many hurdles to get over and as you say you are in the midst of it, but you do get through and you are so right, you are amazed at the things you have battled and as one of the quotes another user put on here says:
It always seems impossible until it is done 
and one of my favourites by Eleanor Roosevelt -
We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face....we must do that which we think we cannot.
Your windscreen cover sounds as though it was a nightmare, another lesson learnt I guess, thanks for passing it on!
Hi All,
day off today. washing ironing etc etc.
legally im now allowed to sell but need him to sign. he's silent at the mo.
still sad time as its the end, legally and to the outside world, acknowledging i/we failed. Im feeling bit run down at mo, think im getting a cold and not sleeping well again.
Apart from that im fine,ha.
Hi Bella, I hope that you have the music blasting and a refreshing day doing your chores, I find that it can be really therapeutic cleaning and washing
It is a sad time at the end of a relationship, try not to see it as a failure, that doesn't help anyone. See it as an opportunity for new adventures and getting to know yourself. This takes time, but the future is only bright if you keep telling yourself it will be.
Will you be contacting your ex to sign the papers to sell the house?
Hi,
ive text him that he needs to sign contract and he now denies he has agreed to anything! (he has forgotten he must have spoke with his legal team quite a few days ago). Prior to this we have been able to speak ok, he has been here moving stuff to help contractors mend house. its been nice and even child got homework help from him. I can ring solicitor n get it sorted though, its not a problem. the worst thing was getting him to realise we had to do this.he knows its next step.
anyway, i now know that i cannot rent anywhere privately now and get help with rent as my income is very high. Ive got a letter demanding i pay nearly £450 in a few days. they have assessed me and my wage so thats final. ive got to pay for my car to be sorted. i must be an awful money manager to be in this state.
Hi Bella, well done for getting the ball rolling and I am glad that you are able to get your solicitor to deal with it.
Dealing with money is never easy, but once you get through this and although it is a huge worry, you will get through it, you will find that you become the best money manager in the world!
How is your washing going?
Hi Anna,
its about time i got a decent pay packet.
1.had to pay for car mending today.
2.road tax is due march.
(i used the budget planner on this site but it came up with a deficit of £790.50 a month for me based on what i MUST legally pay out. I did try an online one but that said similar. I will try a third later on. If the third one comes up that bad then i have no choice but to have ex move back in. we cant make a go of it but i cant see child go hungry. I must put him first.)
That sounds really strange having that deficit and yet saying you can't get any help with the rent if you move. Did you run that past our Money Expert?
Hi again,
just finished playing ball with child outside (too cold for me now). I logged on here again and, oh that last message from me sounds awful. just ignore me, i need to learn how to live on my budget.
Keep warm its chilly again. bbrr
oh hello louise, no i havent, i just need to look at where my money is going.
my monthly essential bills and car insurance, petrol amounts to £403.51 that doesnt include anything for food. i have reduced utility payments to the bear minimum. I should be able to manage but i dont know where its all going.
im just terrible at saving.
Ex is waiting for me to ask him back. finances may force my hand.
Hi Bella
You talked about using a budget tool....and to be honesty it didn't sound as if it had helped you much., Another idea is to write down everything you spend on a daily basis, from a pint of milk, to a newspaper, to council tax payments, then you really WILL see where it is going, it might sound daft but those budget tools mean that you have to estimate amounts sometimes (trhat's hard when it comes to food, for example, because whilst we might know what our weekly supermarket bill is, we don't count that extra pinta or loaf or even few things for the lunchbox)
Hi Louise, it was just a shock for (poll) tax dept tell me that, in total, im on 350 a wk. i only get it to about half, say three quarters.we are all looking at the same wage slip but who am i to argue? im going ot go for taking ex back or crisis loan every so often to tide us over.
I always wrtie every expense down, always have done. Im cutting back on breakfast for me, i get a cheap pack of biscuit-breakfast bars from the market. (out of date but cheap enough to have up to two a day). Last night we each ate 13p noodles for tea.im hoping to convince child about the wonder of bread, to fill him up!
oh chilly...
sent off legal stuff so ball is rolling.
Applied for council properties.
dyed hair-£5 home colour rather than £50 at salon. its too dark but at least im not looking bedraggled now! Am saving to pay £450 bill so it will be home colouring from now on. either that or shave it off! ha.
Well you never know..... 
I always do mine at home for cheapness, have never had it coloured in a salon.
Good for you, applying for the housing.
I've only ever had low-lights, which I did have done in a hairdressers.
I'm glad you've applied for housing Bella.
Hi sparkling and louise, and everyone else,
i ahve applied for lots of council places but never heard anything-apart fromwhen one of the staff rang me to laugh (seriously!) as id put in for a three bed. Im allowed a one bed flat. however another staff member said now im allowed to put in for a two bed as only one child lives permanently with me. confused! any way had a drive around the area and child almost in tears. all the car doors were locked but i saw him checking them. he begged me not to live in a place where we would get burgled every day. bless, i said we wouldnt get burgled (probably would as even alarms dont put them off). Lets see what they say. I should hear end of next week.
Money- i think i may have put down the weekly instead of monthly income and monthly bills-thats the only thing i can think of. will have another try when get a day off. (im too tired when i return after work at lunches. im awake about 5-6am).
Son seems settled at school, getting reports sent home! all good. that makes me feel im doing something right.
got a day off tomorrow! hurrah.
ex coming tomorrow as my child text him to see if he could fix his homework problem. ive said not to come out of way as i can ask school but he insists. see where this takes the situation.
Im so tired, working daily at the mo. only half days but by the time you get back and showered, the day has gone. i was in bed when child went to bed last night, again! zzz
Hi Bella, I hope you have a fabulous day off tomorrow, what are your plans?
You say in your message that you 'wonder where this takes the situation'. What are you questioning? Your and his relationship? Your son's and his relationship?
Sorry but have to tell someone. ex just rang, he has lost job. hes been moved to lower paid job for 6 months then its FINAL! He is struggling to pay his mortgage on our house now!
1 where does this leave child and me? i cant afford to pay his mortgage and neither can he.
2 when the bank repo it will they take thier money and THEN i get my half?? really worried now.Its notup for sale yet-got to sort etc. still dont think it will sell within 6 months as we need it to. wont sleep tonight.
(Anna, it was relationship with child and me. he seems keen on a bedsit with his dad n new wife. what has he here? mum who works half the time and is tired the rest of it? or new mum who is buying him everything he could possibly want.)
Im not entitled to Council housing until house is reposessed. then it may well be a hostel they have said.
Awww Bella. I know nothing about the workings of mortgages or anything that could possibly help you, but someone will be along who'll point you in the right direction. Hang on in there. xx
That is a shock, I'm sure Bella. When the laughingly called family home was sold in my case, all debts paid off and then I had 75%, which The Git made me beg for at mediation. I got £2500-ish.
When I was declared homeless I was advised to go into a hostel as it means you have a better chance of being housed.
I was incredibly lucky as no one wanted to move onto this estate (which is very nice, and in the quiet part of town).
Loads of hugs.
Hi Bella
I would have thought that if the payments are not made on the house then it would eventrually be repossessed and yes the mortgage people have first call on the proceeds...but am not an expert so please email our Housing Expert to check this out,
Do try and do something nice on your day off though!!!
Hi Bella, your son has you who loves him unconditionally. I know it is exhausting working and being a full time mum, but I wonder if you can find half an hour a day to spend with him doing anything he wants?
thanks to you all. im not coping very well at this moment. im trying not to cry in front of son.
I am spending time with him, we got his xmas toys out and played with them. he is making the most of the time he has here as his dad is rushing to gte somewhere. (not sure if new bride envisaged this happening).
My name is on the mortgage even though i dont pay. I paid mine off few yrs ago and put my ENTIRE savings into this property. Now ive failed my children and me. their inheritance is going to be taken by the lenders. im losing my child and i will live in a pit of a bedsit. My mental health will not cope, this i know.
I have contacted the money expert and hoping tomorrow will be the day i get a reply.
I have got a new contract for us both to sign. i dont think he will as he wants to be in control. He is coming at weekend to cry on my shoulder. he wants me to listen while he moans about how bad it is living with daddy, getting all chores performed for him etc. he still wants to come back but i cant afford to pay for all three of us on my little wage. ive got to pay £500 within next few weeks for council tax (they say just pay and then if we owe you any you will get it at end of tax year). I can afford to pay gas and electric, just. i have three DD coming out on 1st feb.
It seems unfair that ive lost what ive fought for and my ex walks away from all blame, having a roof over head.
i wont get that. feel so helpless
Let's see what the Money Expert says, then do contact the Housing Adviser as I suggested. Gather what information you can so that you can see where you are batting. Once you have the housing advice, I would speak with your solicitor again, with regard to the house.I know it is hard to hold your nerve at this time (think it was the worst time for me during my divorce when it came to crunch time about the house) but hopefully you will soon have enough information to be able to see what the practicalities are.
(Got split shift today so am checking emails etc)
It was the housing expert i contacted (maybe i said wrong dept? sorry). Im hoping they soon get back to me.
Yesterday i was proactive. his solicitors letter stated that he would sell for "xxxx" so I went to est agent and got contract saying new price. i text him that we need to sign when he comes at weekend. he now DENIES saying that to his solicitor. he always tells his solicitor one thing but yet solictor sends my solicitor a letter full of lies. i dont understand how he can do this. i said he needs firing. (I know he wants to ask "xxxxxxxx" but we wont get ANYWHERE near that. i rang lender who said its only worth what we paid which is "x").
ex claims that im getting advice from solicitor (as im trying to sell and think of my money, and child and mine's future) but i havent talked to him, im afraid that every conversation or letter costs me hundreds of pounds.
I know im going to lose most of my money but need to get it as soon as possible. i have a feeling he will do what his family always do-go bankrupt, then the lender or new owner benefit from my loss of money and family.
Bella, how old is your son? I've had a quick read through the thread, but can't see his age, sorry.
Don't give up on him though... He lives with you, and you need to be planning for him to stay with you, I feel.
xx
sparkling-he is 11. im not giving up on him. im trying to protect him by allowing him to have new life. he doesnt need to be here going through the upsetment of ex ringing and being nice, hoping to come back. then him telling us he won t sell but he cant pay his debts. we are trapped.
son worried about where we will get IF council rehouse us. im ok to take the bedsit in any of the terribly rough areas in the city. (there are not any council properties nearby as we live in exclusive private area).
All im doing on rare day off is sleeping whilst watching tv. i dont get dressed as son not home till 430-5 and then i say ive just got pyjamas on to relax for the night. Job hours are, as the boss said "mean" but ive brought it on myself as i must have asked for them. i havent. they wont help. i feel im better off leaving, financially and emotionally. Id rather do volunteer work.
Imsorry to moan.
Hi Bella, you are having a stressful time of it aren't you.
Top priority - your son. He needs to see you being in some sort of control. Pyjama days are fine, but when he gets home from school, he would probably appreciate you dressed and doing something rather than lounging on the sofa.
This is allowed, however it sounds as though you are doing it from lack of enthusiasm for life, rather than choosing to chill out for a bit.
I know it is hard, but perhaps on the days that you are not in work, go and meet him from school or after school club, you will feel better getting out of the house and he will like it too.
Voluntary work is great, however I don't think you would be entitled to JSA if you quit your job and now your son is over 7, you are not entitled to Income Support either.
It sounds as though you feel the world is against you. Who do you have in your life that is on your side??
In a way, I think that we all became closer as a unit. I didn't consider going through it without the children, and kept them involved every step of the way with houses we saw with the thought of renting, or letting them know that we could be in a hostel or bed and breakfast while we waited for a place.
They knew though that we would be ok and we would be together - because I told them that. I cried buckets, and daily I drove around the parts of town where I thought we would have been housed, to get used to it.
Even in what we see as rougher areas there are brilliant people, and it will be a stepping stone. I knew that where ever we were placed that we could re-apply to move somewhere else.
It is "just" a stepping stone. And your son will need to know that you will go through this together as a unit. As Anna says, even when you don't feel like it, you do need to be seen by your son as coping. I really don't know how I did it, but I did. Washing was done, house was reasonable and tea was cooked.
It's easy for me to say now, as I can look back on it.
Living it was hell.
Be united with your son. If he feels you want him to go to his Dad he's going to feel unwanted and insecure. I know you're giving him a choice, but really, he would rather feel your facing it together...
I know I'm rubbish at wording stuff, but I can't tell you enough how much your son will want to know you're doing all this together.
xxx
Great post sparklinglime, very well said :)
Thanks, sparkling, it is really helpful that you have shared the account of your experiences and I am sure this will be helpful to other people,including Bella 
Hello, thanks for replies.
before child returned from school i had a shower, watched end half of chick flick-not the best idea ive had in my frame of mind but i cleaned up house (while previously seen bits of film were on.)
felt bit better as put music on whilst making bed and when son walked up to house i saw him and danced infront of bedroom window which made us both laugh!
Friend (only one left) came over to go through income/outgoings for me. i cant save any further-ive done dual fuel etc. it works out im working for £68 month! compared to being on job seekers. Its becoming unbearable with the hours im working (childcare issues) etc etc. Hey ho im too quiet to complain again. However if i leave (as dole advisors said i should do) then ive got to live on last of wage and child tax credit for four weeks. i wont get any dole. then i would get 40% dole for next six months.
I AM thinking of childs best interests. his dad is very very excited and trying desperatly to get a place. son wont live in nasty areas and i dont have the money to rent elsewhere. as i think ex will do what his family always do-bale out by declaring bancrupcy, i will be responsable for his debts for next five years-they can take my car, house, savings etc. (told this by email from pal who lives in USA but knows legal from work she did in UK). i can wave goodbye to my money for a house.
son knows that id rather him stay with me but if he wont live in rough areas then he has to live with dad n mum. it was HIS idea. he could have said live with sister or MY dad but he chose HIS dad.i cant offer what dad can. ive failed him by losing home and money.
Anna, i dont have anyone i can turn to. the friend who ignored me chose her friend over me. i text a longtime mate just for a few words but she has probs with washing machine so is stressed and cant listen to me. Im alone. i better get used to it.
work tomorrow so will collect child from corner of street around 945pm as he is having tea at family but wont sleep over.
i cant sleep, hence being on here this late but night night to everyone.
Hi Bella, take each day at a time. It sounds as though you had a positive time before your son came home and you both laughed. Laughter is so healthy and important to feel like a unit.
You say that your son won't live in nasty areas. You are his mother and you will tell him where he lives. Nobody wants to live in nasty areas, if we have to for a while, then that is that.
You have not failed him, life has thrown some difficult things at you and you are dealing with it in the best way you know how. Please do not blame yourself for everything.
I spent many a day doing that, but it helps no-one. You are a tough cookie Bella and you will move forward, but try and keep a positive thought system going.
Your son knows that it hurts you when he says he doesn't want to live where you are and you are buying into it.
When I started working I used to be £20 better off, it sucked for a while, BUT it meant that I was teaching my daughter good life lessons and I felt proud of the fact that I was moving forward. Have you looked for any other work?
We are all alone in this world Bella, but we can change that, we are in control of who we have in our lives. If you are interested, read our Making New Friends article.
Hello to all,
Im hoping tonight will be better for son and me as ive got night off after swapping.
he was upset this morning as he had dreams of not living with me. i hugged him and said,
"right, i am going to get us sorted, we are not going to live apart, i will fight to keep us together if that is waht you want?"
he said yes and we hugged again.
dont know where i got he strenght to say that from (probably you guys!) but ive been proactive today. Ive spoken with school, my bosses and W.A. again.
im still working. hoping to return next week. part of the reason im working is to show my children that sometimes we do somethng for pride and self worth. my self esteem would return to nothing if i was sat at home thinking about my troubles.
My dad says son should toughen up and living in a rough area will be good for him, he will learn to fight back. Im not sure about that. he means well but i know my son, he is a softy and one word from an enemy and he crumbles.(like me).
I will take a look at the making new friends article. id like to go to some sort of gathering with son so we both meet single parents. Also id like to meet parents who are looking for commarardory.
Im just realising that i have been in a controlling relationship. i get "flashbacks" and cannot believe i went through that. what was wrong with me? he is trying to do it now-stopping me from selling=keeping me poor=depending on him=weak. im not standing for it. i have to be strong for child.
Sorry to go on. thanks for sending me home truths and support, i need to hear these things sometimes.
Hey Bella
Glad to hear that you got the night off, does that mean you now have a few hours of peace before your son comes home??
I am really pleased to hear that your son felt able to share his worries with you and that you were able to have lovely hugs and comfort him, in a strong way. 
It is great also that you have been so proactive and been in touch with Womens Aid again, were they able to offer you any support locally?
Ignore his Dad in regards to having to toughen up your son. As long as he feels strong within and has a good sense of self, then he will grow into a fabulous young man.
i love your second to last sentence, you are recognising that you have been manipulated in the past. Of course this affects us and our thinking, it is designed to make us feel weak and it can be so subtle that we are not aware of it.
Fight the good fight Bella, we all have down days where we feel confused and uncertain of the future, but you can do it, with your son by your side continuing to enforce the importance of pride, self worth and self esteem. Well done you!
Oh Anna, how kind. im near to tears with kind words from you.
i feel like im seeing my past through a film or something-little things annoy me now like how could i have MADE someone act out of character? Now my child can sit on sofa etc however he wants. he can eat the orange biscuit and leave the plain one for another day. he can eat the expensive crackers and not just eat the cheap ones. we used to be SO on edge. oh im angry.
Yes im going to watch daft tv, sons choice.
WA said ask if school have supportors if not we can help. school say he fine but will keep eye out for anything out of ordinary with him. i have to keep in touch with legal side to try to sell. (i must admit i refuse to hear the word "violence" in the DV summary as it wasnt that -apart from once-it was just him talking over me and me going quiet until i then turned into a shouter.I didnt like the person i became).
Anyway,ive looked at "meet a mum" and the rest but there are never ones in my town.
Wish me luck for monday, back at work, thats if they still want me after seeing me today. ive offered to leave as im no good to man nor beast at the mo. after relaxing and regrouping over the weekend, imsure i will see things a bit better balanced. (i dont think he will come over as im waiting for him to sign to sell).
Going to collect child now so better leave now. thanks for the vibes im a stronger person-at the mo. long may it be.
Your post made me cry Bella.
I lost the lot - house, car, etc because of The Gits debts - they were considered joint because we were married, even though debts were soley in his name.
Housing benefit's been knocked form £270 to £48 here, even though there's been proof that son is in FTE.
Feeling so sick doing budgets. Being back at work isn't helping here either.
I do hope you have a good day with your son. Rhianna and Kalvin Harris blaring out here...
Keep that music playing sparklinglime.
You have been through so much and I know that sometimes life deals you some difficult twists and turns, but you have come such a long way after struggling with so much.
That is a huge change in housing benefit I hope you are appealing against it.
Letters flying back and forth...
I'm officially working 16 hours now, and the housing benefit should carry on for a month. I'm asking for things to be back dated to son's birthday.
Sparkling-firstly, im sorry my "letter" made you cry. i didnt intend for it to upset anyone.
i have a prenup (we were not married) and it states that we are joint owners, going half each into the deal. im hoping this stands. his solicitor has acknowledged it as has mine.
Ex hasnt been in touch or come over but then i expected as much as im waiting for him to sign contract so he will stay away. (this contract is working like garlic on a vampire!!).
Im taking son and his pal to a skateboard park soon. he is very excited.
Im going to ring my solicitor monday. tell them about ex saying his legal advisor is wrong and he wont sell for what was written. also that i want to get a court hearing about forcing a sale.
Oh sounds like im getting strong.
It was your post yesterday, when you told your son you'd do this together. xx
If you're not married, then debts in his name are his...
Have a great time at the skateboard park. It's thing like that that really matter to our lot.
(sparkling-mortgage is in both names although i dont pay as i put my equal share up front).
Park was ok. went to a couple of them in the end. i took video footage on my mobile to watch later.
had a relaxing day but child has been outside, playing. Im letting him have the freedom as he is safer here compared to other places. he needs to get street wise. bless him.
I tucked him in bed last night and we both fell asleep for a couple of hours! i have NEVER done that before. (It was awful getting into my cold bed at 11.30).
Hope everyone is having a nice weekend.
Hi Bella. The trip to the parks sounded good. I bet your son had a fab time. Did it make you feel better getting out of the house? Sometimes we do tend to get in a rut don't we? I'm glad too that you've had the chat with your son about him staying with you and not his dad. I'm sure despite what you were saying, you would have been devastated had he have gone. Wherever you live, you will make it home, because you two are a family. Are you back at work tomorrow? Hope it goes okay. Are you still looking for something else, or do you think they will change your shifts that's more suitable around your son? Hope you're feeling a bit brighter anyway. Take care. x
Hi Hazeleyes, The weekend was very long (and great!) as im not used to having more than a day off. Son said it felt like he was on holiday from school as we have spent so much timetogether. this almost brought me to tearsr but I was strong.
He is bringing a pal home for tea tonight. He seems more relaxed now which is a good thing.
Im going to the library today to print and post off a letter to my solicitor. I want things to speed up (from 1pmh to at least 50mph!!) as it costs me a lot to stay here whereas a smaller place costs less in heating and council tax etc.
Hope you have a good day, Hazeleyes, and the same to the rest of you out there.
Its snowing where we are. im dreading driving in it. I havent done it in about 20 years!!!
I'm so glad you enjoyed the weekend Bella.
No snow here (thank goodness) but the mountains look very pretty.
Wow Bella, I know that life is proving to be difficult at the the moment, but it sounds as though things are shifting for you.
Aren't those kind of weekends just brilliant! When you wake on Sunday and realise - it is still the weekend - yay!!
The odd snow flake is falling here, but nothing to treacherous at the moment. Have a good day Bella, take care driving, you will be fine :)
Rang boss up to say im feeling much better and will return to do shifts as planned. son ffeeling really good about the future. ive had advice from various agencies and have got intouch with legal side.
boss said to do week as my weeks notice to quit.
ive explained i want to return. other boss shouted, in the background, that they need someone relialbe. i am going in to see them before shift but i have lost job.
Im not sure what the next bombshell will be
Have to tell son tonight. thankfully his pal not coming for tea. think he will take it bad. he loved our time together and i promised we would have a weekend away in a caravan as i would save up. Now i cant fulfil that promise.
Hi Bella, good luck talking to your boss. Did you actually hand in your notice? If not they can not bully you into it.
Think positive about your job, you have not yet lost it. Go in there and apologise, explain that the personal family crisis is now over and you wish to resume responsibilities.
You don't need to tell your son anything, you don't want to cause him any worry. Why not keep it to yourself for the time being, you can handle this. If you do need to tell him, say that its fine and gives you an opportunity to find something that you enjoy more. We are the parents, it is not our childrens job to look after us. There is little he can do anyway.
Just recently my daughter got into a panic about 'our money', as she overheard me say something to a friend of mine on the phone. I told her it is not her problem and we will be fine (which we always are!)
Your poor boy needs to know that you in control of everything. Its a long time til the summer and you never know what is around the corner.
Let us know how it goes with your boss.
xxx
had good day at work today.
Mich i agree with Anna, there are ups and downs to experience (think of tenpin bowling!) and just when you think you have survived, another ball will knock you off your feet. however you know this will pass as it has in the past. just try to go with it.you WILL look back and be amazed that you did get through it.
(Im in the midst of it and expereincing a ball knocking me over at the mo.)
I got a windscreen cover from the pound shop DONT BOTHER!! buy a decent one, my windscreen took weeks of washing to get the "waxy" or "oily" residue off after using it just once!! i dont know if it works in ice cold weather as it didint freeze the night i used it (although was forcast).