This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi Hopeful, I think it is great that you will go and talk to the head. At this point I wonder if you can just let your son talk, express himself but try not to get too involved in helping him sort it out. What will be will be. Your son is struggling and he needs to know that you will support him in anyway you can, regardless of his decisions.
You don't need to be stressed right now. What does your son think he should do?
My son doesn't go to talk to anyone. If he knew I have talked to the head, he'd be livid.
I had a lengthy conversation with her yesterday and it turns out the 'new teacher' is kind of trying to take over the whole centre and he can't relate to the children there at all - my son is not the only one. He promised them a science GCSE which he now won't deliver, my son says he is a liar, so this is not good. I am taking this to the next level now. The head can't do anything more and she is upset at this man destroying all her good relationships with the children, so she need support big time. I'll complain to her line manager about that teacher and see what happens.
Children at this age need firm boundaries, honesty and someone who will listen and respect them, it sounds as though this 'new teacher' is doing none of these things.
Do you know any of the parents of the other children at the centre?
No, I don't. Tried to ring line manager of head yesterday, but she's off sick, so will send an email today.
Oooh I just noticed your hair! Very nice! 
Has your son made any good friends at the centre that you have met?
Good luck with the email, I hope you get a speedy response.
I don't think my son has made any 'proper' friends at the centre. He gets on with everybody though. We live in a different town to them all, so he only sees them at school.
Spoke to head again yesterday and she said boundaries had been set for new teacher. Not so convinced - we'll see.
Yes, you will have to wait and see. "Boundaries" sounds a bit of an inadequate word for what was needed!
And here is the latest episode:
No3 came home Sat early (I only heard him, was still in bed, he was supposed to be at sleepover). Turns out he spent the night at A&E (refusing to let them call me - mind, I had chemo head and probably couldn't have driven anyway) after having been punched in the face. His teeth are all wonky (hospital said they'd die) and he had four stitches in his lip.
He knows who did it, but won't say and won't report it either. He went out on Sat to find who done it, but came back quickly - I reckon he hurt too much and can't be asked at the moment. I hope he can't be asked ever.
Today dentist - he thinks teeth can be saved (yippeeh!) Tomorrow orthodontist to plot course of action.
No advice needed, just to keep you up to date. I give up.
Awww Hopeful, glad his teeth can be saved. What a worry for you, on top of everything else you're dealing with. I do hope he doesn't go looking for whoever did this. xx
Crikey Hopeful, i hope the orthodontist can straighten things out.
Oh no... Glad the dentist was more positive.
My concern is that I don't want No3 to go out on revenge. :-(
Teeth will be sorted. Teenage pride is a different thing altogether...
I hope he doesn't
For a few tips on how to talk with him you could give Young Minds a quick call on 0808 802 5544
I would suggest listening is the first step, let him tell it all back to you, then you paraphrase it for him and suggest that he is feeling angry, frustrated, irritated, disrespected (dependent on what he is saying) Ask him what he would like to do and then ask what would happen after he has done XYZ
That would then walk him through the process and may be calm him down at the same time?
Will ring Young Minds, maybe they have ideas how to get him to talk in the first place.
Teeth seem to be saveable (that IS a word now), dentist and orthodontist have done their respective bits. Orthodontist again in a couple of weeks - he has a splint, so now we're waiting for the bones to settle.
Hoping No1 son will talk some sense into him, too.
Fed up with it all.
Hi Hopeful, this is the last thing that you need right now, well done for sorting the dentist and orthordontist.
Has your son completely stopped speaking? Or are you just getting grunts?!
Remember you have 3 other children who are doing well, your No3 son sounds pretty unhappy right now and as he gets a bit older, can leave school behind him, your relationship can grow and blossom. Just stick with it
Grunts, yes. Just now he was saying he's going out again because I was staring at him and all it was was there was a lot of noise going on and I'd asked him a simple (yes / no) question and was waiting for an answer.
I think he thinks he's unworthy and everyone thinks so. All I'd really like is to give him a great big hug and tell him all will be ok. :-( - And to stop his vengeance thoughts of course.
Not giving up. x
Boys of his age aren't always keen on hugging but I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say he feels unworthy. How can you help him to feel better about himself? I guess you do not feel up to doing anything very spectacular right now, with all you are going through. What about Sally's idea of Post-It notes around his room or stuff with positive messages like I Love You and You Are Special?
When oldest is being challenging, I do send a text to say that mummy loves her little cherub... I've always called him my little cherub since he was born and I know it makes him smile however down or angry he is...
Thinking of you hopeful.
HAHA sparkling, I call eldest Mummy's Little Soldier 
Hopeful, what do you think would help your son to feel better about himself?
If I knew that I wouldn't need help. :-(
Just now he came in and demanded a haircut, and is now in a strop because I've said I don't want to now.
Awww Hopeful, sorry your son is so down on himself at the moment. Will he get his haircut today?
Ok so what makes us feel worthy? Or more to the point what makes your son feel worthy Hopeful?
Is it achieving something? Is it acknowledgement? Is it praise? Have a think back to when he was younger, what used to make him feel proud?
Are there times when you can say that you are proud of him?
Are you talking the love languages again? He says his is quality time, but I always thought it was either acts of service or presents. He doesn't want to spend any time with me, so that one is out. I do stuff for him and I do get little bits (like a chocolate bar etc), but there is - especially at the moment - only so much I can do. I praise him whenever there is an opportunity, but if it's too much he complains that I should stop going on about stuff.
Hi Hopeful, I am sort of talking about love languages again yes, because we all need to feel loved.
However mostly I was picking up on him feeling unworthy, that is what we need to boost him up with - worthiness.
Teens are such hard work aren't they! But I do believe that they come through it and we have to keep the future in sight and keep building on what we can. Everytime you buy that bar of chocolate or say something positive to him, as much as he complains right now, it is going in.
If he says that quality time is what he likes, could you ask him, HOW he would like to spend some quality time together? Maybe you will just get another grunt and be told to get off him back, but he will know that you are still trying and are prepared to keep working on him.
I feel for you hopeful having a 15 year old lad myself it's not an easy job, i have been having my own ups and downs with K.
I think there is often a combination of things going on for them, but have come up against this lack of self esteem too, as Anna suggested quality time doing what they want is a real booster, i had to sit through Skyfall last week as this was something K wanted to see, O.K that won't so bad as Daniel Craig is pretty fit, but i have done the whole standing at the pitch in freezing weather egging him on on at the cup matches, when i would have prefered to be at home and had a million and 1 other things i could have been doing with those few hours, but it was worth the sacrifice to see him happy.
I hope you a son number 3 find something that you can both do together
It helps if they have one person that they can talk too regularly, would your older son be the one that he talks too?
He would not like to send any time together. But at the same time, if he comes home from school and I am not there, he will ring me and he'll want to know where I am and when I am home. That shows me he is quite dependent really. But then I am the only reliable thing in his world I suppose.
He will talk to No1 son sometimes, but most of the time he'll try to run away and not talk to anybody. I still think he suffers from depression, but as he won't acknowledge anything is wrong I can't even get him to the GP let alone for something deeper.
(Sally, Daniel Craig doesn't do it for me at all. But I am going to see Skyfall tonight because everyone has been saying it's great.)
That's really interesting, Hopeful, and I think quite usual that teens don't want to spend time together but expect you to just sort of be there. However much they rail against us, they love it when they can think we are "boring and predictable" They enjoy friends' parents being cool but they don't want cool parents themselves! Sooooo frustrating, as they are such contradictory beings.
How does he respond to compliments?
Skyfall is so not for me, I do not like James Bond and even though my eldest has assured me it is a human interest story with lovely Scottish scenery, the trailer shows a lot of leaping around on train roofs etc...but I do hope you enjoy it and that I am just an old curmudgeon. Are you all going?
I am going with friends. The 'little people' didn't want to come. I am obviously not cool enough. :-P
No3 son doesn't say much to compliments, but when it's something especially brilliant he says to stop going on about it. Sigh.
Still, keep giving the compliments...however they react on the surface it is still going in, and does go some way towards the low self image they can have.
Did you enjoy the film?
The film was very James Bond-ish :-) - Not sure about a 'human interest story' really. Everybody said this one was different, but really I don't think it was. 007 gets sent to defeat baddy (who - this is an exception this time - for once is not trying to take over the whole world), almost gets killed, but prevails eventually. The end. I did enjoy it though.
Will keep up with the compliments. Apparently he's going to sleep in a field come August, doing nothing. That's what he said when I started saying he needed to know what he wants to do in August and he said nothing and I said he wasn't just lazing about at home without a job or anything. Grrrrr
He keeps complaining that he's hungry, but he didn't eat last night's dinner. I made at least three suggestions what he could have when he came home from school, all of which got rejected. What he wants is a fridge full of microwave burgers. Another Grrrr.
When I grow up, I shall have no children. In the meantime I will continue the praise thing. If I get really inspired I might tidy his room for him again....
But Hopeful, he could not plug the microwave in if he was in a field! Or maybe he has a battery one in mind? 
You are doing so well, they are so contradictory and in one sense you have to just roll your eyes and think "this too will pass". Batting the ball back into his court ("well what DO you want to eat then?") is not going to work if you know the answer is always burgers! My eldest went though a phase of ONLY eating pepperoni pizza or Heinz ravioli, none of your supermarket own brands thank you very much.
I would be tempted to make something/buy something totally scrummy and all sit down together to eat and just serve him a tiny cardboardy burger, of course you will have to have a nice dinner hidden away, see if you can get him to laugh at himself, in a nice way, that will break the cycle of frustration you are now in...or do you remember the thing I did with youngest where I hid his dinner and just gave him one pea, one carrot and one chip?
Glad to have your thoughts re Bond, you have confirmed my suspicions
I could just cry again. No3 son is refusing to go to school. This is a first. I've offered to take him instead of him taking the train. He's now shouted at me to stop moaning at him to go to school. And it would be 'construction' today which he really likes.
I feel it's all my fault for not putting in proper boundaries when he was really little. Obviously the split from first husband and then the death of my second husband meant that I wasn't on the ball, but I should have been. Now I am too scared to put in proper boundaries in case he gets violent again, or just refuses all cooperation, or runs away. I am so scared for him.
Oh, he's on his way to school now. He'll still be way too late. I really need him to wake up.
Awww hopeful. I'm sorry you've had such a difficult morning, and relieved he's on his way to school.
I used to have strong boundaries in place when they were little, and like to think I stll have boundaries there. Sixteen year old was rather rude this morning before leaving. I sometimes think they're tired by the end of the week, and cold dark mornings add to the challenge.
Him listening shows you have boundaries...
Hope today gets better.
Hi hopeful,
I don't have any words of wisdom for you hopeful, hang in there, I'm sure as everyone says your compliments, little gifts and unconditional love are sinking in for your son, he's just not going to let you know about it yet.
Good morning Hopeful, great to read that your son did get up and go to school. Why do you think he was stalling? Did he have a late night?
Don't beat yourself up over what has happened in the past, that won't help, the present is all that matters. Boundaries are important and yes he will get furious if you lay them down, it will be his way of trying to resist them, but he can not control you and how you parent him. If he gets violent, then you call the police, he needs to know that you ARE in control, he might be crying out for this. If the police get involved then he will realise that you mean business.
It is incredibly hard and the last thing you need right now, as I imagine you are feeling exhausted with everything else going on, however you also know that you need to make some steps with this, it is taking you to the end of your tether.
When he gets in tonight, hopefully he will be in a better mood, would it be possible to invite him to have a cup of tea/squash with you and ask him how his day was, what was going on for him this morning and how can you help him to feel better? Just listen to his responses. Don't rise to anything he says, a simple 'I see' can go a long way.
Is that something you could try?
He came back from train station - trains weren't running because someone decided to jump in front of one done the line. So I offered again to take him and he said yes please and was as nice as pie on the way there (I didn't talk about school or anything vital). Had a word with head teacher, too, and she said he was in a very good mood when he got in. Will meet with her next week to have proper brain storming. She reckons he's dead worried about me and that makes him angry.
I am taking him to the orthodontist at four, so maybe will chat some more then.
Cup of tea - he would take to his room (where I can go and search for cups and plates etc. when he is out as they never come down again) - I always try to talk to him - if I say can I talk to you he'll run away.
Feeling a bit more positive though x
Your comment made me laugh! 'if I say can I talk to him, he'll run a mile!' yes my daughter too! We have to just be clever about it, casually sit down and then engage them in conversation.
It sounds as though something worked this morning, as initially he said he wasn't going to school, there was quite a turn around. What do you think that was?
It is understandable that he would be terribly worried about you at this time, especially after the experience of your husband passing. However he still needs to know what you will accept and what you won't. I do think you do deal with things very well though Hopeful, he is going through a difficult time and as a single parent only you alone are there to manage it and generally you are, so please don't give yourself too harder a time.
Here we go again
No3 son: am i allowed some money - me: I haven't got any, what do you want it for anyway? No3 son: doesn't matter.
A bit later: can i really not have any money? (repeat the above. Door slamming)
Later: Can I not buy some food? Me: you can eat dinner at home. No3 son: you don't understand anything. I am not doing you any favours again (not that he does anyway). Lots of door slamming - out - back in. Daughter crying 'just give him the money'.
She is scared of violence (as am I). He wants money to go out and be independent. I've said if he has specific requests, eg they need to catch a train or they all want to go to the cinema I can think about it, but I am not giving him money for food and have what dinner we have at home wasted. He's gone now.
I have emailed young minds on Monday and they are calling me on Friday morning.
I am very upset at the moment because everything is getting too much, plus No1 son came over yesterday and was really upset, he's on antidepressants, his girlfriend is really messing him about (he says he thinks she wants to finish with him, but wants to be 'nice' about it and he wishes she'd just say), he's worried about No3 son and about me.
I really am at breaking point now. :-( We had a couple of really good days and now he's all back to being horrible and selfish. I would really like to know how he sees everything. He was sent home from school early because he 'went hyper' disturbing other students' classes.
Sorry for moaning. :-(
Hopeful you did the right thing about the money. Glad that you emailed young minds.
Do you remember the difficult times that headfulloffog had with her teens during her treatment? Not that it will make you feel any better to know that someone else has gone through it too but, but, but....
It's especially hard when your eldest is having problems as he is often a rock for you and he has his own worries now.
Lots of HUGS for you and wish I had something more practical.
Hi Hopeful did youngminds get back to you today? if they did, did you get some useful information?
They called this morning and took about an hour. More like a pep talk than actual advice. Said I was doing all the right things. Never mind. x
Well that is good that they have endorsed what you are doing. I know you were hoping they would have a "different" solution, though.
No3 son has gone AWOL. School rang at ten that he's not arrived. What should I do when he finally comes home?
My idea was when he bunked off early (only half hour) the other day, if he does it again, I'll threaten him saying I'll call social services if he does it again. He'd hate that. School is imperative for me. It's his future for crying out loud. I am really upset about this. I wish he'd stay around long enough to listen to at least little bits.
I am constantly treading on eggshells with him because I don't want to upset him because I am scared he'll run away or trash the house. :(
How mega-worrying that he just didn't turn up at school. I understand your fears as well, I used to always worry about that with my youngest when he was 14/15. And of course the age where they can have a big effect on their own future is JUST the age when they are more likely to go off the rails.
In truth, social services would be unlikely to do much. Their resources these days are so slim that they concentrate on children who are being ill-treated. If it is question of safety then it is the police that would be the people to call...but how do you feel about this?
I don't really think the police would do anything. He's 16 and he's not been missing 24 hours. Isn't that the criteria? Or can they get him to go to school? If that is an option, I am all for it! :-)
How worrying for you hopeful, I hope he comes back soon.
I don't think they can, unfortunately. And sorry, I thought he was 15...at 16 he is not a minor as such. Do you have a community support police officer? some of them hereabouts are good at rounding up teens and prodding them along schoolward.
Six weeks without having to be in this thread!
Now: No3 son refuses still to go to mainstream school. Not only that, he also doesn't do anything at other place. I think the reason is that there is a new teacher who takes a big do as I say approach or coaxes them into doing something by making promises he then doesn't fullfill (e.g. finish this piece of work, then you can do so and so, and when the work is done just gives them another piece etc.).
I've pleaded with No3 son to do his best and will have a word with the head at the school (but have to do that when he's not around), but still: HELP?