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It's about time we had a jokes section, lovely to share our smiles, so please post any good jokes you hear (no rude ones, please...we think of the site as having a PG rating, if that helps you decide!). Here is mine to get the ball rolling.
Man: "I just heard that record Eye of the Tiger by Survivor. What a coincidence, my wife and I were argung about that all last night, I think we're going through a Rocky patch" BOOM TISH 
This is a true story....
Mother with son & baby, bags of shopping in appartment block.
Dad calls from higher up: 'do you want me to help you carry something?'
Son: 'Yes, carry me'
Dad: 'I meant your mother'
sorry, this didn't take all my post! ? What happened. Here's part two:
Son: 'She's too heavy'
Sorry about this, it's kind of taken the point off it. :-/
HAHAHA I am loving all these, all contributions welcome 
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
Things Mom Would Never Say
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
*
My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."
And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"
Last one...
The Evolution of Mum
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
Your Clothes -
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name -
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth -
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Nesting -
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries -
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities -
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out -
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home -
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Very good, I especially like that last post about the difference in first, second and third babies. Someone once said to me they thought the real difference was that if a first baby has a dirty face mum wipes it with a piece of cotton wool dipped in cooled boiled water, with a second it's a baby wipe and with a third it's the dishcloth.....
It's a bit like that with photos. I have tons of the first one, but of my daughter there's hardly any.
Ha! Im only on baby one so far so cant really comment although I doubt I will have anywhere near the energy to be so OTT with everything like I was with little angel and I learned the hard way about buying everything new and from expensive shops for babies. Cant count the amount of brand new baby clothes I gave away still with tags on.
Really relate to this one...
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long." He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this ch eck out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
This reminds me of my little 'un...
A small boy is sent to bed by his father... [Five minutes later] "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." [Five minutes later] "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" [Five minutes later] "Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
HA HA HA, I love those last two especially - nice one littleangel!
Doctor I keep seeing thing rotating around my head.
Yes there is a bug going round.
HAHAHA!
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
!!!!!!!! Thanks for the joke in the previous post allcharlie - the second message you posted had jokes in that were not PG or PC, so have been unpublished.
lol - i thought that might have been the case - no worries
hi allcharlie you are you to day ?
Yeah I am good thanks Karim how are you??
Will see how the Moderator views these!! 
- think I have constructively edited this time!!??
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
NOTE FROM MODERATOR: Please remember that this site is PG rated.
Joke!
I just heard it on a program on the BBC iPlayer and it made me laugh...
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
None!... They never get the house.
:D
OO-err! That sounds like a guy talking with the voice of bitter experience!
: )
This makes me giggle everytime I watch it : )
It's a link to youtube but there's nothing offencive : )
HAHA that made me laugh out loud
>Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
>flat?
>
>
>Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is
>not enough?
>
>
>Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
>check when you say the paint is wet?
>
>Did you ever stop and wonder......
>
>
>Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
>
>these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
>
>
>Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat
>the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
>
>
>Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to
>a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
>
>
>Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>
>
>Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
>
>point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
>
>
>Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
>undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
>
>
>Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
>dogs !
>
>
>
>
>If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me !!!!)
>
>
>If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
>then what is baby oil made from ?
>
>
>If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?
>
>
>Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
>tune?
>
>
>Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
>
>
>Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
>
>you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
>window?
>
>
>Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
>
>