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Why are my friends ignoring me?

Gamma

I found your website and need some help. I wonder if anyone can give me some advise? I seperated from my wife at the beginning of this year and since then I seem to have lost all my friends. Most of them were the husbands or partners of her friends and everyone seems to have taken her side, it is not fair, I didn’t have an affair or anything, we just wanted to part and I have paid for the kids and seen them on a weekend. I was in the pub the other day and someone I thought was my mate just ignored me, I feel as if I have not just lost my family, I have lost my mates, no one phones me up and I just go to work and sometimes to the pub on a night but I don’t want to get into the habit of doing that, I cant afford it anyway. Should I go and confront my old friends or is it best to do nothing?

Thanks, any advise welcome

Posted on: August 7, 2008 - 11:43am
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Gamma and welcome to the group. I am sorry to hear that you are having problems with people you thought you were your friends. This happens quite regularly when a couple splits up; it is almost as if their friends have to decide whose "side" they are on. It may be that people are unsure of what to say to you or how you would react. Think about one of the blokes with whom you felt you got on best, it may be worth giving him a call and asking him out for a drink and saying you hope you can still be friends even though you have split from your partner and also stressing that you don't want to ask him questions about your former partner (people sometimes worry about feeling awkwrad with this). Also do be aware that when you separate, some people fear that it is contagious and they question their own relationships. So it is worth reassuring them that you are still the same bloke as before, and therefore still their friend.

Also, do remember that you ARE starting a new life now and look for activitles in your own area. Some organisations are dating agencies, some purely for friendship and activities. Try http://www.spiceuk.com. This is a nationwide activity and social group and you choose what to participate in. It is not just for singles, so you will meet a wide variety of people.
Have a look to see what is going on in your local area and think about your interests, for example swimming, darts, reading. There may well be local groups that cater for that interest.

Finally it is great that you are maintaining that relationship with your kids, long may it continue!

best wishes

Louise

Posted on: August 8, 2008 - 1:09pm
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ficurnow

Welcome, Gamma - just wanted to echo everything Louise has said. Please do have a subtle word with one of your old mates - they might just be feeling really awkward and - not knowing what to say - just opt for saying nowt. Which can be a terrible British disease! :) This would be a good time in your life to make a new start and take up new interests. Running groups are usually friendly - and a lot cheaper and better for you than spending time in the pub! Good luck, Fi

Posted on: August 10, 2008 - 8:12pm
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Gamma

Thanks for the replys. I had not thought my mates might feel awkward, maybe I am being selfish but was only thinking of myself in all this. I will phone a couple of them to see if there are any nights out, also will see if there is something I can join or even a night class

Posted on: August 11, 2008 - 7:48pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Gamma, You are not being selfish; you have been through a separation and it is a very emotional time.

Let us know how you get on.

Best wishes

Louise :D

Posted on: August 12, 2008 - 9:43am
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Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Gamma

I just read a blog by a single dad, he said what you are saying, that some of his friends stopped making an effort. Have a read:

http://singleparentdad.blogspot.com/2008/08/you-know-me-so-well.html

You are not alone here, best of luck :)

Posted on: August 13, 2008 - 3:03pm
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Gamma

Thats a good article Anna thank you. I do appreciate the time and trouble everyone has taken. I have a day off today and am going into town, Ive decided to do a cooking night class so am going to the college shop to join, I need to learn how to cook betterfor when I have the kids on a weekend and also I think there might be a few females on the course and I might meet someone or anyway at least make some new friends.

Posted on: August 29, 2008 - 10:25am
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ficurnow

Way to go, Gamma. Happy cooking. And don't forget, kids of all ages love helping with cooking simple things so that could be a great bonding thing to do when they're with you at the weekends. Fi

Posted on: August 29, 2008 - 11:52am
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

That sounds fab, Gamma, hope you will enjoy the course. You're right Fi, the kids will enjoy cooking too, I wouldn't have thought of that. I like watching cookery programmes on TV (does anyone else?) and have recently started to try one or two of the recipes. Perhaps you could share with us, Gamma, if they come up with any good dishes?

Louise

Posted on: August 29, 2008 - 4:17pm
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