Hi again
It sounds as if you are doing your utmost in this situation, Francesca. I know it cannot be easy.
You mention that your friends are all married and you don't know anyone else in your situation. I wonder if you feel it would help to meet other people who are going through/have gone through the same? There are many contact sites on the Internet or you could look in your local paper. Another suggestion is to see if there are single parent organisations in your area. Go to http://webdb.navca.org.uk/home.aspx and type in your location and find the contact details for your local Council for Voluntary Services, who will have details of local support groups. Have you thought about asking your Health Visitor what support is out there? I am thinking of organisations such as Home Start, who will provide a volunteer for families with children under 5 who have extra needs for support. or your Health Visitor may know of activities involving young children that you could go to with your son in order to meet other parents.
I understand your concern about what your children may learn from this situation it it seems to say that hurting people and separation are Ok. However, I would just mention that a really high percentage of children are brought up in separated families (around 25% according to the latest stats) and so even if you do not feel that their childhood has not been as you would have wished, nevertheless it is not outside the norm. The issue about their dad's behaviour is another matter; they will make their own judgement of that in time and although it must seem to you as if you're constantly making excuses for him when he doesn't deserve it, remember you are doing it to benefit the kids, NOT him.
You are doing so well with the reassurance, it is the very best thing of all for them, as you have seen. Take good care of yourself.
Best wishes
Louise :)
Hi Francesca
I had been looking at One Space over Christmas - but not properly, it seems, as I've missed some posts.
You sound a lot more positive about things on this thread.
My children were older than yours when I left almost 5 years ago (they were 12, 10,8 and 5), and probably because their dad didn't do much with us as a family, they've coped with it all pretty well. I was as truthful as I could be in answering their questions, without running their father down. I have always told them that their dad loves them very much, just he's chosen a new life and is happy. Beacause he's happy then we can be happy for him (yeah right! But it works for them!).
Their father has recently married - this was his third fiance since we split up. I understand totally when you say that he's having all the fun. I still feel that! My children have not stayed with their father since August 2007, so it can be very tiring. However, if I'm honest, they seem to be more settled with things as they are now.
I do hope you've had a chance to discuss necessary things such as finances etc. I hope that he's decided to carry on paying for the children's education, as it is part of their lives that you can keep consistent. With my children, school was the only consistent thing they had, as ex had horrendous debts and I lost everything. My eldest son tells me that seeing his friends in school meant so much to him.
I'm glad you have the support from his family. My ex-father-in-law and ex-step-mother-in-law are fantastic with me and the children. I'd be lost without them (I've lost my mum and dad).
Sorry for going on so much!
As as Louise says, do take care of you too. Try and find a bit of laughter in each day, however small it may be. A day at a time...
Sorry for going on!
Dear Francesca
You are really going through it at the moment and many of us here will be feeling it for you. It is such a difficult time, but please believe me, it will get better, often better than it ever was before.
It is such a heartbreaking and confusing time, what no one else ever understands is that you have to keep going for the children and there is no time to just stop, take it all in and then recover. It will happen though over time.
I agree with sparklinglime that the consistency for the children is important, but I just want to play devils advocate and wonder if you moved them to a non fee paying school, whether that would take a MASSIVE pressure off yourself and mean you have a little extra money for really good holidays, treats etc as there is always something that needs to be paid for especially as the children hit teenage years.
I was privately educated and wanted the same for my daughter, but finances didn't permit. I was really worried, but she is now in year 9 and doing fantastically well, she has a great set of friends and is really thriving..... of course it does depend on which local schools you have in your area, luckily ours is very very good.
It is always a really stressful time when the children go the absent parent for the first time, but one thing to try and remember is that you have no control over it, so you have to let it go.....there is no point worrying over something that you can't control (easy to say, I know). He is their father and over the years he may introduce them to many different women, all this will be a learning experience for them, YOU are the one consistent thing in their lives and although it isn't what you thought life would be like for them, it is. They will be ok, children are resilient, they need to see that you are OK with the arrangement and in control/strong, so if it is awful they can come home and tell you and not worry how it will affect you.
Of course, as usual, it will be you that bears the brunt of everything he does and says to them and you will have to carry that load alone, we are here for you, so keep strong and make sure when they go this weekend you do ONE thing that you couldn't do if the children were with you, please don't spend the whole time sitting at home worrying, spend time thinking about yourself and how you can move forward.
If you trust him to keep the children safe, they will be absolutely fine, maybe a little confused, so like I said, they need to see you strong.
Good Luck Francesca, will be thinking of you.
That first weekend when they're away is often the hardest! I started to take them to their dad's rather than him collect them, as I couldn't stand see them being 'taken away' from me! So I'd take them and he'd bring them home. As strange as it sounds, you actually do get used to the time they're not with you pretty quickly, even if you just sit and watch tele. It's surprising how tired you become without realising it.
Just to say I'm thinking of you too. It is a horrid time, and I know it is hard to see beyond the pain.
I call my ex The Git... and although it's not really her fault, I now call her The Gittess. Not in front of the children, of course :lol: but it does help giving them a title.
With regards to maintenance, I believe that your husband should be paying 20% of his income for the children. Those are CSA guidelines. However much he wants a fun life, he is still responsible. Maybe those rose tinted specs will fade and he will realise this.
It's quite clever how they get around it though. I've just written to CSA to cancel payments they collect as my ex tells them he works 12 hours, when he infact works 40 plus overtime. Seeing what he pays for the children infuriates me.
Hi
I'm very sorry, but as the parent with care there isn't anything you can do to make his have/see/spend time with the children. I went to a Solicitor as my ex was cancelling so many contact weekends. I wasn't able to do a thing about it.
However, if the parent with care stops the non-resident parent seeing the children, the non-resident parent can take the other parent to Court (sorry, trying to keep it genderless!)
Even with a Court Order in place though, the non-resident parent can't be made to see the child/ren.
I have been shocked about my ex's attitude with contact. I was married for 20 years and we started our family after 7 years of marriage. I don't really think you get over the shock when your husband becomes a stranger.
My ex would cancel all sorts of time that HE had requested (once, two minutes before the children were due at his - they'd walked there, I had to get them). Yet, when my daughter (when she was 12) said she didn't want to go due to issues, he sent all sorts of demanding texts saying she had no choice and she HAD to go (she was virtually at the point of a nervous breakdown with issues and with his insistance). There was never a Court order, so she didn't have to go...
I wouldn't even choose to have a friendship with my ex nowadays. He's such a different person to the one I met.
Sorry I can't give you any comfort here. I really hope you're doing ok.
It is a tremendous shock.
I looked at emails between ex and one of his lady friend's, and she said that I would go crawling back to him in the end as I couldn't cope financially.
It will be 5 years in March since I left. Not missed him for a second...
I'm so glad you've been for legal advice and know that you can get this sorted for the children. I hope that he has enough sense to leave things with regards to the house. In my books he should transfer it into your name - but then I know that reality isn't always fair!
Do take care of you. Baby steps will get you there.
Best wishes
Hi there Francesca
How did the weekend go for the children at their dads? How was it for you? I have just found this website that might be useful for you
http://www.itsnotyourfault.org/, it is written for the children, but I think you may find helpful for discussing the situation. There is a great page called 'How do you feel?', it has pictures of children looking sad, confused, guilty etc, you could ask your six yr old to point to which one he feels about your separation and then you can click on the face and it talks about how to deal with it.
I am glad to read that sparklinglime has shared experiences and although times are tough, she is living proof, that time will heal all.
Hi Francesca
What a horrible situation you have been in and how difficult it must be trying to hold it all together when you are feeling so upset and angry with the childrens' father. :( I am glad you felt able to post and share what is going on.
Your children are both very young and will find it hard to understand what is going on. They will both need a lot of reassurance: if Daddy has gone, will Mummy go too? They need to know that you will be there for them, that you love them and that you will keep them safe. You cannot change their father's behaviour, you can only change yours. That's a bitter pill to swallow, especially as you are the one who has been left to pick up the pieces. I do think it is one of the hardest things in the world to put your own (understandable!) feelings on a back burner in order to continue your role as the childrens' Mum, and you can't be on the ball ALL the time so don't beat yourself up if you occasionally "lose it", as you said you did. You may find it helpful to find an outlet for your feelings, have you thought about seeing a counsellor? You could access this through your GP or there may be other free/cheap counselling available in your area, or you could go to Relate (see http://www.relate.org.uk/NearestRelate.asp for your nearest branch)
You ask what to tell the children. You could tell them that Daddy still loves them and will see them when he has a proper place to live. This may feel like you are making things easier for him!!!! Another way to look at it is that it may make things easier for THEM, which is all to the good. And you could keep reassuring them, as above. I really hope you can find ways to look after yourself in all this, have regular breaks, say yes to any support from family and friends and take it a day at a time.
May I recommend a book to you? it is called "Putting Children First" by Karen and Nick Woodall and is available from Amazon or play.com or through http://www.separatedfamilies.org.uk, which is another helpful website.
Let us know how you get on.
Take care, Louise :)