what my eldest said to me - long, sorry...

I usually doubt myself in all I have done and all I do. I do my utmost not to let the children see this in me.

I've been on my own for over five years now - although ex chose do do hardly anything as a family.

My oldest son is 17, and finally seems to be smiling again, feeling so much better in himself that he's doing well at school - he's resitting GCSEs. He seemed to go off the rails a bit the first time he did form 5 (or year 11).

A lot of issues came about with the ex. He was cancelling a great deal of contact time, 'forgetting' that the children should have been staying overnight and changing times the children should be going to his place (as in being late - and not by a few minutes :D ) His now wife introduced my son to schmirnoff (how ever you spell it) and he was only 15 (ex's brother died in 2006 from alcohol abuse, I lost my uncle to the same, so I can be a bit touchy about this - although I do like the odd glass of wine or can of cider when I can afford it 8-) last time I drank was new year's eve). I wasn't impressed, but of course, could say very little as ex had allowed it. Ex also allowed son, to have a sleepover with 7 of his friends - both girls and boys - that was unsupervised. I was furious, as ex laid everything at my son's feet. I just told him as an adult he should have informed me. My son dodged school to get things ready, stole my money to buy booze and lied, saying he was going to him mates place for a sleepover.

I had a visit from the school to see if I was aware that my son had been missing a lot of school. I hadn't, and the bloke could see this by the look on my face. I checked through son's mobile and that's how I realised all that had been going on. I took the key to his father's house off him (ex had moved in with his now wife, but had to keep the house he was renting til the end of the contract, so my son would leave here and go there) and gave this to my ex-father-in-law. My ex-father-in-law was stunned when I told him why he was having the key.

I didn't shout at my son once over this sleepover (so unlike me! :D ), but we sat down and had a major talk, and I asked him if he'd rather live with his dad, as if he did, his father couldn't say no. My eldest said no, he wanted to stay at home.

It was a dreadful school year. He did badly at his mocks, and when we had the parents evening, I left the school in tears. I spoke to the Head first, telling him I couldn't take listening to the teachers running my son down. I did defend him, as at the end of the day he'd lost his home, his car and the status he had with his mates. The younger ones seems to have coped with all that quite well. The Head was brilliant and set up counselling and a learning coach for my son.

My son did very badly in his GCSEs. He got Ds and Es. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with Ds and Es if a child has worked hard to gain them. My son had been getting As, Bs and Cs before this peiod. I felt so cheated too, seeing the happy parents of my son's friends hugging their children as they'd done well.

I was mad, his Nana was mad, and his dad said 'well done son, you've passed them all'.

He had to get a days placement at a garage to get into College to do a full-time mechanics course. I drove him to every garage on Anglesey and Bangor to try and find a place for him. We had a few arguments. I said 'would your father do this for you?' I rarely bring their father into any conversation. "No", he said "He couldn't be bothered". He wasn't one of the 50 accepted into College which was a big shock to him, and I think that's the part that made him stop and think.

When the children went back to school, my eldest went to see the Headmaster and the Deputy Head and asked to go back to school to re-sit his GCSEs. He was the only one allowed to return.

I am so proud of the courage he showed doing this. He saw his best mates to into the sixth form (although he does wear sixth form uniform, its the privlidge he has) and was laughed at by those new to Year 11. He stuck it out. He needed lots of hugs and he did loads of crying, but HE DID IT. He seems to be popular with both the sixth formers and the fifths formers.

So, even if he still gets Ds and Es when he has his results in August, at least he knows he has done his best, and I know that too. He does want to get into the sixth form now to do A levels and get into graphic design.

So, on to what he said to me last night, when we were having a laugh... I said "poor boy, having such a rotten mother". He looked at me and said

"I couldn't have wished for a better mum".

I think he means it. He followed it up by saying seriously.

Boundaries. Children need boundaries, and I've been quite strict with the ones we have here. I like to think they helped him.

It made me cry...