Just my view point...
What is fair contact for the parent without care and the parent with care?
Telephone
only at certain times from parent without care? or anytime. What about from the child?
My lot could phone their father any time they wanted (just he never answered or returned their calls)
In view of Luke's issues, he may be able to cope better with a set time.
Christmas
Alternating each year? 1 week one parent one week the other?
Yep. One has Christmas and one has the New Year, alternating
Easter
Easter weekend bank holiday for the parent that is working, the school holiday days fro parent with care.
(thinking that a working parent is only likely to have 20-25 paid holiday a year.
I have major issues here, sorry. I think the vast of majority of the holidays should be given over to have the children. Easter is a two week holiday, one week with each parent.
Weekends
Alternating, or 2 out of three in favour of the parent without care to compensate for all the weekdays that the parent with care has.
Here again, no compensation applies. Getting children up and ready for school is a nighmare. Fair enough wanting 2 weekends out of three as the children need time with the "other" parent, but certainly not as compansation. I'm sure that would have smoke coming from ears of the parent with care - would with me as school is a flaming nightmare - getting them in bed, getting them up, showers, clothes... and don't even start me on homework
Birthdays
Alternating each year? What about time of work for the parent without care?
Personal view point - tough here. But I say that as most of my lot had their birthday when they were with their father. We just celebrated before or after. They didn't mind, as they love two celebrations.
Bank holidays
Alternating?
No. I think this is just the luck of the draw with which ever weekend the child is with the parent. With sharing of christmas and Easter holidays, they're most covered anyway. With May bank holidays, I found it worked out ok usually with them ending up being shared with the way contact fell
Illness
Duty to inform the other parent when a child falls ill?
I used to, and don't see why this can't be requested. No idea how it could be enforced though
Schooling
schoool plays and open evenings
I always bought tickets for their father and made sure I went to a different show. This year, for example, there are three chances to see the Christmas concert. I'm not buying him tickets now as he sorted this himself last year. Info to parents sent by email, and I'm assuming that after I informed him of this that he is keeping the school informed of his detaisl to receive mail.
Summer holidays
6 weeks is too long to be off work for parent working. Parent without care for 2 weeks?
Parent with care gets 4 weeks. Should be compensated for elswhere so the parent without care is not disadvantaged.
NO! Don't even mention the compensation thing. Yep, non-resident parent two weeks with the child. No interest, sorry in anyone being disadvantaged. Parent with care does not have a life of roses
Mobile phones
If child is not allowed to call parent without care, can the child be given mobile phone so they can text or phone when they feel they need to? What ages?
No idea. I was the one who provided mobiles for my two older children to keep in touch with their father. The idea was he could phone them, as I always top the phones up, but he never has.
Letters
Should child be able to write to the parent without care, and should the child be able to receive letters without let or hindrance. Should the parent with care be able to intercept and read private letters for the child?
I think the parent with care can - and should - read letters the child received. Parent with care needs to know what is going on, what is being discussed and what is being arranged
Email
When should the child be able to receive and send emails to the parent without care? What privacy is allowable?
I would not be happy to have private stuff going on between the children and the non-resident parent. I've seen how issues can affect the children, which is why I say this. Also I have had the "other" parent effecting the children with issues'
School open evenings
These can usually be split, so that parents can attend at different times or days?
The shcools my children attend would not split a parents evening. When ex was willing to be involved, we did the parents evening together. He's not been since he met his wife - three years now
Xmas nativity plays and concerts
usually more than one performance night, so parents can arrange with school to do different evenings - hard one as children need picking up by the parent with care?
I think I mentioned this above. It's inevitable that your paths are going to cross in things with the children. You just have to deal with it
I'll ask my 10 year old what he thinks, but not the five year old.
Any ideas? I know most of you will be the parent with care, however I'm still interested in your views.
Any other things I should consider?
What are your views on only counting holiday days as contact, where the parent in care weekdays do not count as contact? Seems to become a precedent somehow.
You only got today and tomorrow to be able to help me.
You need to view that ordinary time the child/ren is with the parent with care as their job. It is bloody hard work. I feel that your view point there needs to be modified as it could possbly be seen as undermining the role of the parent with care.
Sorry for the swearing, but typing that out has driven me BLOODY nuts!
I cant' remember if you have parental responsibility yet Sy, but when this is sorted, the school, in my opinion, should keep you informed of all that's going on.
I always give ex a copy of the school calendars, so he knows what is going on and when.
With the mobile phones, the children have always been able to phone their father when they wish, and he them. He knows the landline number and is in the phone memory and in the children's mobile's memory.
I know I come across aggressive with you view of compensating time the children aren't with you, and I'm not apologising for this. Children need to come first and if you have 28+ days leave then, if needed 20+ days can be given over to be with the children. I don't see why either parent should have a life, sorry... The parenting should be shared by both and things should be fair. But then you have to remember that I'm bitter and twisted :D 8-) ;) as my ex has never considered his children in things. Fair is not part of his vocabulary.
I still think you should be going for shared care or have the children live with your because of all that has gone on. I can't repeat myself enough on this.
My older two are 15 and 17 - I never check their emails or mobiles, but reserve the right to if I feel things are being planned. My son was 15 when I checked his mobile, and thank god I did, as major issues were going on at the time - and it was how I found out and how I was able to put things in place to help him.
As I said, these are just my view points, and are not written down to start a debate or to upset anyone.
Hello sadsy
I will give you my suggestions as to what is reasonable, although there are no hard and fast rules and traditionally the courts would say that a standard “pattern of contact” would be alternate weekends plus one overnight midweek every week. Personally, I believe that both parents have a role to play in their childrens’ lives and it will benefit the children to have relationships with both, provided there are no dangerous issues such as violence or substance abuse.
If you live too far for the midweek parenting time then you need to think about when you would see them in between your alternate weekends. Would it be possible for you to have them for the day on Saturdays when it is not “your” weekend?
School holidays, the general rule appears to be two weeks in the summer and a week at Easter with half-terms split equally. Of course as you rightly point out this means if a parent has work commitments they have to be sure they can be available. Christmas and birthdays, these can be alternated (but of course a working parent needs the time off to do the birthday)
Education, both parents to receive reports and be able to attend parents’ evenings and school plays (on different nights if necessary)
Phone calls: a set night or nights to call each week (every day if you think you would like that). My personal opinion is that Luke is old enough to have his own mobile to be able to text you, and to be able to email but as with the whole of this post, that is my own view and not necessarily that of One Space.
The law in England does not specify an age where a child is mature enough to make decisions about things like this but in Scotland it is taken to be 12 and so many people in England think of it as 12. It is nice for the parent without majority care to be able to send postcards and letters to the children but I think it would be hard for a court order to enforce that child’s privacy. Also you ask about the other parent telling you that the child is ill. I guess you would have to define “ill”. Is it a cold or if they are hospitalised? Just playing devil’s advocate here.....
Another thing you could consider is the extended family: what arrangements will there be for the children to see your Mum? Are there are any other significant family members you want them to keep in touch with and will you consider that your responsibility to arrange that in your parenting time?
'course she wouldn't have asked them. Sorry, but she makes me so flambarding mad Sy. She doesn't put them first!
Like you say, don't agree to anything that isn't putting the children first.
thinking of you so much.
Loads of hugs
xxxx
That sounds excellent. Good luck today, sadsy, we will all be thinking of you :)
Hi Sadsy
Just want to wish you all the luck today. Will be thinking of you
Hugs
Take care
Alison
x :)
That is excellent. I used to use a calander that was coloured, and found it did focus the view point onto things.
I'm so, so sorry I'm late - just got in.
Positive thoughts and loads and loads of hugs winging there way across the miles.
I have everything crossed.
Hi,
Reading your post makes me angry.
Take care and stay positive.
:)
Hi sadsy
I am sooooo not familiar with any of this, cafcass etc, but my heart really goes out to you in all of this. You sound so upset (and I'm not surprised). Keep fighting for what you want though, then you'll know that you never gave up. Luke will also know that too. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad too. Stay strong sadsy, I'm thinking of you.
Take care
Alison
x :)
.
What a truly dreadful day for you sadsy, it was even worse than any of us had anticipated. It sounds as if you were banging your head aginst a brick wall. You're right, you do have do all you can, for Luke's sake. I am sorry to hear that ytour solicitor has let you down, you might need to use someone else for the full day. It is also sad to hear the news about your dad. Did your Mum indicate to you how serious it is? (prostate cancer very variable in prognosis)
That sounds like good advice from your counsellor, one day at a time. There certainly seems to ba an anomaly there where you are told that there is no "standard" order then told that you are asking for more than is "usual" and that phone calls are "usually" only once a week. Maybe they mean that the parent without day to day care does not ask for much?
Sending you lots of strength, sadsy, take care
Words fail me Sy. They really do.
Absolute disgrace with the Cafcass officers.
it is excellent.
Hug from me too.
Oh!
Heck, it's a bit much if you're unable to state that you were unfairly treated, but yes, you're wise to listen.
It's still an excellent letter though, which I'm sure could possibly, maybe perhaps, be sent at a later date.
More hugs....
Goodness me sadsy, you really have been through the mill, it sounds like you have been doing SO much and really focussing on trying to get the best for your children and you have been let down time and time again.
I agree with the counsellor, take the next few days gently and perhaps treat yourself, you could do with a break from all of this, just for a while, a good film or book?
Have you seen this? http://www.fnf.org.uk/publications-and-policy/shared-parenting-shared-benefits It might be of some help for your case? But only look at it after you have had a couple of days 'off'.
What are you up to this weekend??
What is fair contact for the parent without care and the parent with care?
Telephone
only at certain times from parent without care? or anytime. What about from the child?
should be anytime from both sides
Christmas
Alternating each year? 1 week one parent one week the other?
yes I would say that is very fair to alternate each year.
Easter
Easter weekend bank holiday for the parent that is working, the school holiday days fro parent with care.
(thinking that a working parent is only likely to have 20-25 paid holiday a year.
sounds fair.
Weekends
Alternating, or 2 out of three in favour of the parent without care to compensate for all the weekdays that the parent with care has.
I don't see why not,as long as the children are happy with it. yours will be for now, but as they get older things can change when thet get friends they want to see where they are living.
Birthdays
Alternating each year? What about time of work for the parent without care?
yes can be alternated. depends what day it falls on. If Parent working then no reason why another day close to birthday can't be arranged.
Bank holidays
Alternating?
yes
Illness
Duty to inform the other parent when a child falls ill?
yes definatly
Schooling
schoool plays and open evenings
you should be informed & given the chance to attend if you wish
Summer holidays
6 weeks is too long to be off work for parent working. Parent without care for 2 weeks?
Parent with care gets 4 weeks. Should be compensated for elswhere so the parent without care is not disadvantaged.
sounds fine to me
Mobile phones
If child is not allowed to call parent without care, can the child be given mobile phone so they can text or phone when they feel they need to? What ages?
I think from age about 9 a child is capable of using a mobile phone & if the parent without care wishes to give them a mobile phone for contact then that is ok & should be respected by the other parent. The child can then call or text the missing parent whenever they wish. I allow this for mine even though I have had trouble with ex & now don't speak to him & even though he was drunk when here!
Letters
Should child be able to write to the parent without care, and should the child be able to receive letters without let or hindrance. Should the parent with care be able to intercept and read private letters for the child?
OF COURSE! & yes without hinderence!
Email
When should the child be able to receive and send emails to the parent without care? What privacy is allowable?
whenever they wish.
School open evenings
These can usually be split, so that parents can attend at different times or days?
of course.
Xmas nativity plays and concerts
usually more than one performance night, so parents can arrange with school to do different evenings - hard one as children need picking up by the parent with care?
yes of course
I think that you should be informed of all appointments re: children & all illness. It is your right to attend school stuff if you wish. Letters, emails, & calls should not be interfered with, you have done nothing wrong as a parent & are not a danger to them. your children should have a right to contact you whenever they wish.
I'll ask my 10 year old what he thinks, but not the five year old.
Any ideas? I know most of you will be the parent with care, however I'm still interested in your views.
Any other things I should consider?
What are your views on only counting holiday days as contact, where the parent in care weekdays do not count as contact? Seems to become a precedent somehow.
You only got today and tomorrow to be able to help me.
Thanks
sy