Very long and, well, boring... Homelessness
I was asked to write my story down by the support worker who helped us when we were officially homeless. It got published in a few things at the time, and ended up in newsletters in local libraries.
Bourne was asking about our stories, and I was reading in one of the threads about the state of social housing - and it's a reason that politics does appeal to me!
Maybe one night I'll write about the marriage. It's just so weird... people will know it was me then too. :roll:
Happy to delete it if it's irrelevant...
My children are now 17, 15, 13 and 10.
Cup of tea time (or glass of wine!)
October 2005
I am in my 40s and am a lone parent to four children. The eldest is 13 and the youngest is 6 years old. I have a 9-year-old boy who has special needs – he has Autistic tendencies.
I’d never thought much about homelessness before. I use to be shocked and sometimes upset when the topic would be on the news, or when I went to a city and would see young people begging, or sitting in a doorway. Think of homeless and I would think of a drunk, sleeping on a park bench. Then I would carry on with whatever I was doing, not giving it a second thought.
It was something I didn’t need to worry about. It would never happen to me…
Just over two years ago, although by then I had started divorce proceedings, I lived in the family home. We’d lived there for over 19 years having extended it so we had a large four-bedroom bungalow with quarter an acre of land with fantastic views of Snowdonia. Outside was parked my pride and joy – a Chrysler Grand Voyager. The ideal car for my children.
I worked 6 nights and Sunday afternoon in Tesco as well as a day and a half admin with a plumbing firm. Other than a short break after having my second child, I had always worked. In the past I had worked as a Civil Servant and as an Accounts Clerk in a Power Station – I had good jobs.
I knew we had a big mortgage on our house. The first shock came one morning in a Mediation session. All the debts were put forward on the table. Paperwork I had never seen before – kept safely in his place of work. There was no choice and the family home had to be sold to pay these off. My car had to go too.
By then I had given up work. Lots of things were going on and were affecting my children, and I had found a place for us to live. I rented a house by the seaside, thinking that I would have some capital behind me to give us a new start. It was a lovely house and I was told it was a long-term let; we could stay there for years if we wanted!
I ended up claiming income support, being interviewed by people I had once worked with. I found it all very humiliating, even though everyone was very kind. I was awarded housing benefit too – again, treated with such kindness. There was a shortfall with the housing benefit, but we managed and we got on with recovering from the trauma of losing everything.
In May this year the Landlord asked to see me. He told me that due to other projects, he had decided to sell our home. I was so upset, as were the children. I won’t forget the day the ‘for sale’ board went up.
I understood his reasons for selling, and, at the end of the day it was his house, and why shouldn’t he sell it?
I really didn’t foresee any problems in finding another place for us to live. I had been on the Council housing list for over 2 years and had had a visit from a Council official, so knew I hadn’t been forgotten! I thought in all that time I had been creeping up closer to the top of that waiting list.
How wrong I was.
I found another private let back in my hometown. Everything had been agreed, including a date for us to move in. I was very shocked when the Estate Agent phoned to say the Landlord had let the property to someone else through another agency. Gazumped in the letting market! This had wasted 6 weeks of my time in trying to find somewhere for us to live.
After that I came up against brick wall after brick wall. Because I was in receipt of benefits, or because I had children or because I had pets… I even found homes for our two dogs if it meant us finding a house. It was so disheartening.
I have lost my parents, and my brother and sister live away. Even though I have wonderful friends, I felt so alone…
My friend’s husband kindly offered to become my Advocate, as I’m not a very strong person when it comes to sorting myself out. He arranged a meeting with the Homelessness Officer at the Council. I must have cried all through that meeting with the disbelief that I was being made homeless. This was hammered home by receiving a letter to confirm that I was officially homeless.
The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness was overwhelming. I had no control over my life. What was to become of my children? The stress for them has been quite tremendous too! My 9-year-old having special needs meant we had more points. It also meant that we couldn’t be considered for bed and breakfast.
My saving grace was the Homeless Officer at the Council giving my name to Tai Hafan for support. My support worker (poor woman…) has been, and is, wonderful, and so patient – I am a very emotional person! She has kept me going, always following up any action she said she would take and informing me of the outcome. She has been supportive too in decisions I have made.
Tai Hafan offered me temporary accommodation of a house in my hometown. That was such a relief! I’d already started packing in May; this meant it was time to pack up our every day things.
The same week a housing association offered me a house, again in my hometown. Having had a chat with my support worker, I accepted this house, as it was permanent housing.
We left our wonderful home at the beginning of September, having been told it would be a couple of weeks at the most before I could move into our new home. I couldn’t face upsetting the Landlord any longer and certainly couldn’t face eviction. I was so depressed by this time. Six weeks later, I’m still waiting for the key. I’m lucky in that I’ve been able to rent a holiday house to keep the children together. The first two weeks saw the two older children with their grandparents and me with my younger children staying with a friend. It was so, so hard being apart. I will never forget the look of bewilderment in my 9-year old’s eyes, as he was tucked up on an air bed.
I have to add, although I am so grateful in the fact that I’ve been allocated a house – and we are so looking forward to moving in – even though the association know my circumstances and have been very sympathetic, nothing has been treated with any urgency, which is so sad. I was told the work would realistically take 2 weeks to complete; so far it’s been 4… That was after them having to wait 2 weeks longer to have the key returned than they expected.
It will be so lovely when we move in. We really are so relieved and so excited.
Next week, hopefully… Maybe….
A house that no one can make me sell, and no one can sell from under me.
The home we have just left has now become a holiday house. The whole street is now empty two thirds of the time, as they are virtually all holiday homes. Houses are being built in that village – including wooden chalets – that are costing between £250,000 and £495,000. They have all been sold. Not to locals of course! Yet more holiday homes…
What hope is there for us who are declared homeless? We are as worthy as the next person, deserving a chance to start again, building a new life – a new, secure and settled life, in homes with affordable rents.
What hope is there if the council don’t give planning permission to housing associations – who have the money – to build social housing, yet allow these expensive developments? Don’t the planning department realise that families, lone-
Lone parent’s and their children are in bed and breakfast? Just wanting a break, the chance to get out of that hole and stop feeling so helpless. If only the departments within the council would liase with each other. The homelessness department must have the most difficult job going, seeing so many desperate families every day.
I have made a point of telling my friends and acquaintances that I am homeless. It shocks them. People’s perception of homeless is the same as mine – or the same as mine was. They need to know – as I have found out – that it can, and does, happen to anyone. I thought I would have lived at the family home forever. I thought my life was secure.
I never thought that ‘someone like me’ would become homeless. I never thought it would happen to me. I never thought I would be living this nightmare.
But it did. No one knows what the future holds and it could happen to you…
June 2006
We finally moved into our new home on 24th October 2005. The housing association wanted it to be another two weeks later, but thankfully a good friend phoned them up and we had the keys. I was desperate at that point, as the holiday house I had been renting had been let for half-term. I could have moved back in after.
The whole thing still affects me, I’m ashamed to say. There are still boxes to be unpacked (mainly trying to find space!) things to be sorted, but a lot has been done, and I am getting there.
It’s so lovely here. My children love it. My 3 boys share the master bedroom and if the bedroom is tidy it’s not too bad. A bit different to what they had before – they even had a play room! The garden is tiny, but I can see right across to the mountains. The same view I had before!
It’s safe. The thing that’s best about it all, is that we can stay here forever if we want.
I have the most wonderful neighbours who have been very encouraging, calming me down when I think the children have disturbed them.
I have plans for a future – I want to train to be a driving instructor. I had hoped to do it this year, and if I’m honest, there is still time. Having no back-up with childcare will be a major issue.
I’m still on income support – which I hate. There really is no choice at the moment though. I paid into the system between 1981 and 2003, so try not to feel too guilty! Also my mum and dad died quite young, so maybe I’m getting a bit of their pension – again a way of feeling less guilty.
I’m immensely proud of my children. They have been through some difficult things in the new life their dad has chosen, and those issues have been mixed in with their plight of being homeless. Their teachers tell me the younger two are so much happier. It’s lovely to see all of them smile, but it would seem my now 10 year-old smiles the brightest, who, when we moved in asked if we could stay here forever… Should a child so young be asking that type of question?
Reading through this takes me back to that black place I was in back in the Autumn. It makes me cry reading it. I feel I’ve been through a lot in my life – nothing compared to what so many go through, I know – but being homeless has been the lowest point, so far.
I find I’m still waiting for the next wave to come and knock me down.
August 2009
I don’t feel I’ve moved on much further… There have been a few waves since then, some quite devastating.
The children are happy though. That’s the bit that gets me through.
Hello sparkling lime
What a wonderful post, thank you for sharing it with us! You're right, so many peoples' perception of homelessness is flawed. And you know how I feel about the lack of affordable/social housing around :shock: One of the strong themes that comes through in this piece of your writing is the feeling of isolation you went through. Your reflections at August 2009 say that it is the children's happiness that has kept you going and whilst I am sure that it true, I would also like to say it is your strength of character, which you should never underestimate
We are so glad to have you with us :D
Sparkling thanks for sharing that with us all.
It doesn't take much to make me cry. I too think you greatly underestimate yourself!
I can tell from your posts that you ARE a strong person, you just feel things on a deep level, but that does not mean that you are not strong or haven't moved on.
Pansy
I can't believe you've read it, it's so long and tedious to get through. Very self-pitying! Which I'm rather good at.
I've read it through now, and have done some dreadful editing to remove names, and to be non-sexist! :shock:
The housing association who helped me help vulnerable women, so I had to refer to lone-mother's rather than parents. To be fair there are loads of lone-father's too.
The fact that I was considered vulnerable was an extra shock. It was the first time I heard the word abuse being used in reference to me. It was emotional, not physical though. When you live it, you don't see it.
My friend who's husband helped me is the one moving away. I've been there today - my youngest and her son have been friend's all their lives! It will be another type of loss to cope with, as we have helped each other out with school runs if cars have been off the road, or if we're ill or if she was running late for the school run after work. We'll both miss that support.
I cry thinking of her leaving. It's as if everyone leaves and I get left behind.
Even Scouts can't shake off that feeling.
I don't feel strong. I would love to feel strong and capable and be able to look forward...
My friend who's husband helped me is the one moving away. I've been there today - my youngest and her son have been friend's all their lives! It will be another type of loss to cope with, as we have helped each other out with school runs if cars have been off the road, or if we're ill or if she was running late for the school run after work. We'll both miss that support.
I cry thinking of her leaving. It's as if everyone leaves and I get left behind.
Even Scouts can't shake off that feeling.
I don't feel strong. I would love to feel strong and capable and be able to look forward...
Oh sparkling! I can understand why you feel so down, that must be so hard to watch more friends going away. There was a time in my life when things were like that for me, but when I moved here everything changed, I have made so many good friends since being where I am now. I'm sure something WILL change for you & life will turn around again some day soon because you deserve it. You are highly thought of on onespace too!
Pansy xx
Sparkling I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time. :( You have been great with your encouraging messages to me, I'm so sad that you are feeling so down. Sometimes it seems to me that things have got to hit absolute rock bottom until they start to improve again - you must have hit that bottom so surely some light at the end of the tunnel will appear soon. Is your friend moving far away? Will it be possible to maybe go and stay for the occasional weekend? Its not the same but maybe it will be a nice break when you (or your friend) needs it. And you'll also be able to keep in touch over the internet hopefully. Has she got any other friends living close to you that will miss her too? If so maybe you could befriend each other, often mutual friends are easy to get along with and in the end you might end up feeling you can help each other out too, most people are delighted to make new friends so its worth investigating...
As for your homeless article - its amazing what you have had to cope with. Please be kind to yourself, you have made massive leaps forward, you are so strong (even if you woudl not naturally choose to be strong, what you have had to deal with has made you strong, you can't deny it!). Plan yourself some treats, chocolate, wine, nice film, bubble bath, find time to do your nails - whatever makes you feel happy - I'm watching Gavin and Stacey - does the trick for me :lol:
Take care and you'll find your sparkle again soon
Bec x
I'm doing ok really, thank you. Well, a lot better than a week ago.
It's my mum's birthday today. Over twelve and a half years since she died, but I still miss her incredibly. I usually light a candle, but the children are still laughing away in the living room.
My friend will still come back here, so I'm sure we'll see each other. Both her mother and his parents live on the island (Anglesey). She's moving to south west Wales, so a long journey away. She is very able to switch off to situations, so I will be curious to see if the friendship will survive the miles. My best friend moved away a number of years ago (sadly she died two years ago), and we just talked for hours on the phone, and our friendship remained strong.
We were discussing webcams today so the boys can keep in touch. They play on Club Penguin online, so things like that will carry on.
Time will tell.
The Killers and Mr Brightside is the song that gets me going. Very loud and me singing along. Lucky the children like it too!!
Thank you
xx
Sy
This one...
Hi Sparkling
Just reading through old posts on here. Am very interested to know if the friends that moved away kept in contact?
Yes, we are in touch.
They've sold their house, and they're up this week emptying it. Hopefully the boys will see each other at some point.
We've chatted a few times on the phone, and the boys go on MSN - although youngest has to use my account! I won't let him have his own yet.
Hi Sparkling
It's lovely to hear that you are still in touch with them. As you say, it would be lovely if you met up with them this week sometime.
I hope you are doing ok.
Take care
Alison
x :)
I am thank you.
Glad you've spoken to your sister.
xxx
Hi Sparklinglime
It was great to read your story and it really helps me to identify you seeing as I am pretty new to the boards, I have been finding it hard to remember each person's story but yours is certainly memorable and so well written - have you ever thought or writing for a career?
I have also experienced being classed homeless at home duringa period in my life, but I was lucky enough to not have children then (so it only affected me) and I was housed very quickly. But I know what you mean about my perception of homelessness and then finding my self in that situation.
I am also glad you and the children are meeting up with your friends over the half term. How does it all feel now? Do you feel completely settled in your new place now?
Cheers for the story
C-L
We're very settled, thank you. The house is small, but the children love it! Again, my son with special needs, asked when we moved in if we had to move again, and when I said no, he said 'we can stay forever'...
His comments can still make tears flow now, as I can still see his face when he asked that.
I'll never get over it. Every day I wake up and am grateful for our home - which, to be honest, I wish would fade a little.
I'd love to write! No one's ever suggested that before!
I feel it all sounds so self-indulgent, somehow...
Sparkling lime
I know you don't have a lot of time on your hands :shock: but you could write the story of your life so far. You could do it in third peson or first person ie it could be "Susan said this...." or "I said this". ORRRRRR..... you could do diffrent chapters with differing points of view (could you do one from the point of view of their dad????)
Writing my life's story could be therepeutic, perhaps!
Listening to the school nurse reading through events on the phone when she was arranging a women's aid counsellor to call though was quite horrific!
Now there's a challenge - writing it from The Git's view point :roll: That's made me want to :lol:
I'll think about it.
Thank you.
To child hood, do you think? And my foster-sisters and the dv with my parents? Or just married life and life after... Such decisions!
Hi Sparklinglime
Yes I think writing could be very therapeutic. I remember once when I was abroad travelling, i had a nasty experience which I couldn't stop thinking about afterwards and it really freaked me out. I then decided to write it down, not for public reading but just to formulate my thoughts a bit more rationally and it really did the trick - I could move on and not have it preying on my mind. Give it a go! You could write it down old fashioned way or do it online through a blog or something. Have a think and let us know what you decide. Do you know about blogs?
C-L
I've been tempted to do a blog, but have that fear that someone will recognise me - some bits have been so "odd" to say the least...
I've got an essay to do this week, but I might start a new journal for my life story.
sparkling lime, you could play around with it any way you choose, you could start with now and do flashbacks or you could start with childhood, or the birth of a child, where you reflect on your life, or it could be an action packed chronological account. Exciting!! :P
Hi Sparklinglime
Good to have a real good think first as to how you want to do it but in term sof a blog, I am sure there are ways of keeping it so you are not recognisable in any way.
I wonder if anyone else has any suggestions here? has anyone else got experience of blogs?
I have only have used a blog more for advertising things so not sure that is much use.
Cheers C-L
Oooh sparklinglime
This is all VERY exciting.
First off, there was something that I meant to put on the site and still hope to, but whether I get the chance is another matter, its BBC My Story, have you heard of it? http://www.bbc.co.uk/mystory/ Have a look around, there are some funny videos with Lenny Henry and other famous people on writing tips and there is also a competition, off the top of my head, 16 winners will get their stories made into short films for the BBC and 5 winners will get £20,000 for a book deal and a ghost writer.
So sparklinglime and everyone else, get your creative juices flowing! And get writing, we as single parents have SO many stories to tell the world.
Also sparklinglime we have a couple of articles around blogging here http://www.onespace.org.uk/articles/health-wellbeing and we have our own blog page, so if you considered doing a blog, let us know and we can help you set it up and have it on our site! :D
I take it you are back at college as you have an essay to write? Remind me what you are up to again?
Thanks for sharing that sparklinglime, what a traumatic time you have had.
For me reading your story the worst of it is that you had to deal with all this pressure on your own. You were trying to find a home for your family, to provide a safe place and stability after your ex's huge mistakes. The only people that seemed to give a damn was your friends husband and then your wonderful support worker Tai Hafan.
Currently there are approx.130,000 homeless children, I hope that the upheaval that they suffer will also be diminished by a fantastic mum (or dad) like yourself as I am sure because of your attitude and perseverance, your children didn't feel the brunt as harshly as you did.
Well done sparklinglime, it is great to read an uplifting story of someone who at one point felt that all was lost, to have overcome all their difficulties and find peace.
Even though you say at the end that you don't feel you have moved on much further since June 2006, I am sure you have and your children are testament to that.