Last night, I totally lost it with my 7 year old, and this morning, I'm deeply ashamed of how I handled things with him. It started with me dismantling the bunk bed, so he could move into the smaller room. The place was totally upside down, then a friend rang to see if she could visit with her son. I wasn't of course up for it, with the place as it was, but decided to go ahead, as my son wanted someone to play with, and I also needed help re-assembling the bed. My 7 year old promised he would be good, and there wouldn't be any rows, (as there always is).
As soon as visitors arrived, the bloody arguements started, so I ended up really shouting at the two of them, which obviously went over their heads. After a few hours, lots of cursing with the bed, the place still upside down, I then had to do a dinner. I was tired, angry (about the disobedience). We sat down to eat, and my son lied over something, and thats when I totally lost it. We rowed at the table, then I told him he was going straight to bed afterward. By this time it was 8. Instead of doing as I said, I got nothing but backchat, which by that stage I couldn't handle. No excuse at all, but I was so tired. I dragged him into the bedroom, with his 'mouth' still going, so I slapped his leg and walked out of the room. He was shouting something at me, so I went back in and slapped his leg again. He ended up telling me he hated me, I was yelling back, but told him it was ok to hate me, but I still loved him, but wouldn't put up with the behaviour, and if he didn't like the rules, to go and live with the 'sperm doner'. I really went to town, told him I'd had him for 7 years, so why shouldn't the father have him. This was totally out of order I know, but the words just kept coming out through sheer frustration or whatever. I did go and comfort him and told him I was sorry for slapping him.
I posted a while ago about things getting bad here, and saw my GP who diagnosed anxiety. I myself thought it was the tablets I was on for smoking. Last week, I stopped taking them. (I was on and off the cigs) Couldn't even get that right eh! I wanted this holiday to be so nice for him, and now I've ruined it for him. Lousy Mother? Yes. Didn't get much sleep last night as you can imagine. Yes I can make it up to him, but it doesn't take away the fact of what happened. I wish I could turn the clock back.
He is such a loving caring boy. I know he isn't an angel of course, but when the friends get together, and the rows break out, it always seems to be me telling him off, and the other parents ignore their childs behaviour, so then I feel that he is the bad one (which of course he isn't). I know they are all as bad as each other.
Last night I should have walked away from the situation, calmed down, and then spoken about it. I messed up big time.
Hi Anna, thankyou once again for your words of wisdom. Before my son got up this morning, after I had posted, I gave it all a lot of thought. Things have been building up with me for some time, I feel put upon a lot of the time, and I can't get into the habit of saying NO. I also know I give in to having friends round, picking others up from school, having sleepovers, simply to please others, (not me). I also go on guilt trips where my son is concerned, as he is forever saying he doesn't have anyone to play with etc etc. It always seems to be me doing the 'asking round' with an 'Oh, you must come round to us the next time C.......'. Never seems to happen though!!!! So, my place is trashed, the children seem to think they can do what they like, and my opinion doesn't seem to count.As i'm typing this, I'm getting frustrated, and feeling it bubble inside. I can also hear myself saying, 'well Alison, don't give in the next time, say No and mean it'. (first sign of madness of course, talking to myself). My neighbour actually told me off last week for agreeing to look after my son's friend for the day. He was at school, and she was off sick, the Mother had to work. Previously I had said I wouldn't be doing any more favours, as it was all one sided, and my neighbour had raised her eyebrows at the time, and told me to STICK to it!! So, when she told me off, I wasn't at all surprised!!! The little girls Grandmother is suffering with Cancer, and so the the girls Mother is juggling a lot. I can see she is shattered, and honestly feel for her. The other day, she said, 'I'm so sorry, your sister is going through Cancer, and yet I never ask how she is doing, yet you are always asking about my Mum'. That is true, and I have been upset over that, but she is going through a rough time, not just with her Mum but other stuff.
I had a good chat with my son earlier, we both said sorry, and that today is a new day!
I've been moving wardrobes etc around this morning, still haven't finished everything, but I'm now exhausted, so I'm just shutting the door on that particular bedroom!
The half-sisters Mum no longer rings (thankgoodness). I couldn't give her any of my time a few weeks ago, I had to take another important call on my mobile, so she hung up on me! So, why am I the one that feels guilty over that?? I have given her more than enough time listening to her problems, but she never seemed interested in how I was feeling. Anyhow, the kids never seemed to chat or anything, my son found his half-sister babyish (at 8), so their calls dwindled. They last spoke around October time I think. Even on Christmas Day, I asked if C..... could speak to his sister, and the Mother made some excuse, and so that was that.
Anyhow, thankyou again. I'm glad I got all of that off my chest :) It is so good that I can come here and tell everything, sometimes it feels like a confession!
I hope you are having a good day, and that you and your daughter had a lovely Easter. Take care
Alison.
x
I have about 2 hours free time. My friend who was here yesterday turned up and has taken the boys to the park, to give me a break! What an absolute treasure she is. I could and should be finishing off the room, and I have dishes to wash and a pile of ironing, but instead I'm just going to chill and enjoy the little bit of peace.
My son ripped his Ben 10 jeans on his bike yesterday, and I wouldn't have been able to do anything with them as it wasn't a seam. Normally I would have just thrown them away, but they are fairly new, and it would have upset C....., so I actually went across the road and asked the neighbour as I know she is a dab hand with her machine. She said it was no problem, and I'm so glad I asked, as I wouldn't have like too before. I guess I've also got to get used to asking for help if I need it, instead of trying to do things on my own!
I've decided to buy myself the Alan Carr book for smoking as I know a few of the members here have used it, and some have succeeded. I am so desperate to give up, for C....., for my health, and financial reasons. I didn't get a lot of support from friends, as they still puffed around me, which was difficult sometimes. If I slipped up, they would pounce, and say, 'we knew you'd go back to it'. Not very encouraging really.
I am definately feeling much better in myself than I felt this morning. My son is happy, which is the main thing, so yesterday has gone, and today is a new day.
Sending loads of love and hugs your way.
I remember losing with with my now 14 year old when he was about 3 years old. I really did lose it too - I phoned my friend who's a social worker up to tell her what I'd done!!
The following day I went to collect him from nursery and he saw me through the window, beamed, smiled and waved at me. I told the other mum that children are so forgiving - and she said that we mum's are too.
Like Anna says, forgive yourself - and I hope you have. He really did wind you up. I'm glad you've moved on though and have had a chat.
Anna's post is brilliant, and so true.
Plenty of time left of these holidays too...
xxxxxx
Dear alisoncam
I recognise so much of myself in your post.
My daughter often used to say she didn't have anyone to play with, I used to have her friends over and I think because I was on my own, I wanted their company and their parents company when they picked their children up! But often she didn't get invited back or they would start to ask if I could child mind for them etc. I think the crunch came when someone wanted me to go to their house on a Friday night and babysit (!!!) the children were about 9! You can imagine my shock and surprise that someone would think that I would like to 'hang' out at their house!
Don't feel guilty or bad over the fact that the half sisters Mum hasn't been back in touch, she has shown her true colours, your conversations were all about her. You are obviously changing as people are beginning to see that they can't just take take take from you.
Also well done you for going and asking neighbour for a favour, I am sure you are owed quite a few!
Regarding the Alan Carr book, best of luck with that. I watched a DVD of his and I stopped smoking instantly which completely surprised me as I was only watching it because a friend wanted to stop.
I am actually smoking again, but I think if you REALLY want to quit, the DVD is fab! It gives you common sense and mental images that you can really use.
So glad you and your son have cleared the air, have a good evening together :)
Hi Anna and Sparkling, C...... and I have had a fantastically lovely evening. Nothing special just watching tv, with him sat beside me playing a game on the laptop. I gave up on the bedroom, and decided to do the bathroom!!! A few weeks ago, I started to buy the sticky back tiles for my kitchen. I had planned to decorate it during the time son was away at my sisters! As I've gone back to smoking, I haven't been able to buy more tiles, paint etc, so this afternoon, I had a brain wave. (often have these, and then they go wrong). I only have a small bathroom and the woman before me had marble tiles, which I detest, probably because they weren't my choice! Anyhow, I have put my 'fake' tiles over the marble ones, and I have to say I'm really pleased with my effort. Have still got the cutting in bits to do (aaarrrggghhh) which I shall finish tomorrow. Here's hoping the first time we bath and step on them, they don't start peeling at the corners. (must buy a mat at some point). When I shall tackle the bedroom again, who knows, but right now, I'm not that bothered.
C...... has very kindly given me some Easter Egg, which I'm thoroughly enjoying. Everything is great in the flat right now, and I'm LOVING it.
My son's friend has asked if he can have a sleepover next Monday, and I was very direct. I told his Mum I would see how I felt on that day, and explained that to both boys.
As for the DVD Anna, I might give that a go along with the book!! I'm thinking I need all the help I can get. My friend suggested hypnosis!! Why on earth didn't I think of that??? Oh yes, the reason being money!!
Thankyou for being here for me today, it certainly helped.
Hope you're both having a good evening
Take care
Alison
x
Hey alisoncam, I loved your last post, I love that feeling when ALL IS WELL IN YOUR WORLD!
Who knows when you get on with the bedroom, all in good time, there is no pressure. My counsellor always used to tell me to stop saying that 'I should' redecorate....'I should' have breakfast on the table before my daughter gets up etc. She said I should say to myself 'I could' instead....It certainly took the weight off and such a simple thing to do!
Is your son's friend hoping to have a sleepover at your house or at his? Perhaps his mum could have them? Don't feel bad or guilty if you are not up for it, your son might be a bit cheesed if he cant do it, but they soon get over it and move on!
Your lovely boy is still sharing his easter egg with you, thats because he loves you and you are a fab mum, ahhh!
Hi Anna, the friend is supposed to be sleeping here. I won't let my son go to theirs as they have a huge German Shepherd, and even my friend won't leave her own son on his own with the dog!!! She doesn't like shutting the dog away in another room or the garden, as she says it isn't used to this, and continuously barks. In all the time I've known her, about 2 years, my son has never been there. She thinks I'm being over protective with C..... but I'd rather have him in one piece thankyou very much!!! A few months ago, the dog actually attacked her, and her face was a complete mess, so I think I have a fair point!
I finished the bathroom, and am so pleased with the result. Next, the bedroom. My wardrobe had totally fallen apart, so I had to hammer the long nails in the back. Couldn't find a hammer, so used another tool instead. C..... came in and said, 'Mummy, you do know that's not a hammer don't you?'. I replied 'Needs must'! My Dad would have been looking down on me saying 'that's my girl', (he was a bit of a bodger too)hehe.
I think your counsellor was exactly right. Instead of 'should', I'm going to tell myself 'could'. I have taken a leaf out of Louise's book and somedays get the hoover out if I know someone is going to call. Then I simply tell them I haven't had time to do it.
So, the bedroom is tidy, not fully sorted, but I'm not looking in there again today. I shall sort the kitchen when I get something to eat later. For now, I am sitting as I have actually overdone things, and I'm aching, but I'm so glad I've achieved something. The weather is so miserable, but all is good.
How's things your end? Does your daughter go out most days with friends etc?
Have a lovely evening, thankyou again.
Take care
Alison
x
Hi alisoncam, don't overdo things! Its a great idea to keep the hoover out at all times!
I understand your concern about the dog, it seems a bit bizarre to have a beast in your house that you are unable to control, more than a little worrying.
My daughter is not one of these people that make the first move to get together with friends unfortunately, she waits for her friends to arrange something. Yesterday she spent the day home alone and today has come into work with me :) So I have her doing some minor things that I have been putting off!!
Our children have their uses!!
I'm so glad you're pleased with the bathroom, Alison. Have you managed to get into the garden yet? Glorious here, although I do have some bits and pieces of work I should be doing.
Glad you had some Easter egg too.
Glad your daughter's helping Anna. I blew up this morning and this lot have actually been tidying!
Dearest alisoncam,
It happens to the best of us, we have all let rip on our children and the first thing you can do is FORGIVE YOURSELF.
I can see that you are totally beating yourself up about what happened last night and only the best parents would, but it is not so bad and he won't be deeply affected by it.
For a start it sounded like you were having a stressful time anyway with the bunk beds. Our children read us like books when we are stressed and often pick up and carry the same emotions.
I understand the disappointment in yourself when you started about the sperm donor, its terrible how when we are stressed we get on a subject and then can not just let it lie. This again is fine (as a one off) it shows your son that it is tough doing this all alone He was frustrated that you were frustrated and it just escalated. You are always very aware of what you say to him and I am sure that he will recognise that you didn't mean it. Yes, you might have said hurtful things, but you made up for it afterwards.
As for slapping him, you need to remember that you didn't just lash out and beat him senseless, you were trying to regain some control when you were at the end of your tether, it is a learning curve for you as well as your son, you say that you should have walked away and maybe next time you will.
I think these situations are bound to happen, I have certainly done it, and this is what makes the relationship as a single parent so very special. We have huge rows, but we move on from it and know that we are still loved and the children know that we still love them.
Living in such close proximity with only one other person is bound to lead to huge rows and unfortunately for us parenting alone, it is our children who will bear the brunt.
You have a lot of 'under the surface' worry, with your sisters cancer, your nieces PND, the bully at the school, your son's half sisters mother's problems etc, everything just came to a head yesterday.
I wonder if there is a womens group locally that you could join? A stress and anxiety group, or self confidence or just somewhere where you can have a bit of 'me' time, doing gardening or flower arranging with some other mums?
Don't beat yourself up about the smoking, you will give up when the time is right for you, it is an incredibly hard battle to face and you need to give yourself a break. You are not a lousy mother, I think you are a thoughtful, considerate mother who does EVERYTHING she can for her son.
You still have 2 weeks of holiday yes? I think you could spend today, not beating yourself up, but looking at the positives of your parenting and your life, then when you are in a better frame of mind, spend the rest of the holidays enjoying yourself.
This is your life too, not just your son's, he did misbehave, you weren't happy with him talking back to you and everything got a bit out of hand, I know you feel guilty, but don't overdo it, he will pick upon that too. You can be sorry for the extremity of your behaviour, but not the reasoning behind it.
How are you feeling now? Today? Are you still berating yourself or can you see that it was a one off?