Single mum of 4!

sarahrhlh

i would love to chat to other parents. i am a single mum of 4 and am finding it hard at the moment could really do with some friends to chat to

Posted on: July 10, 2010 - 9:50am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello sarahrhlh

Welcome to One Space. It certainly can be hard work being a single parent, especially with four children. Which part of the country are you from? Do you have any local family? Also I am wondering the ages of your children and how long you have been on your own....lots of questions but it would let us get to know you a bit better.

Posted on: July 10, 2010 - 2:53pm

sparklinglime

Hi sarahrhlh

Hope you're doing ok.

I've been on my own with four children for six years and four months. We're a reasonably happy unit although the challenges on the way have been varied...

My lot were 12, 10, 8 and 5 when we left. I'm having a lot more freedom now they're older, which can be really nice!

Looking forward to 'chatting'.

Posted on: July 10, 2010 - 6:09pm

HelenT

Hi Sarahrhlh,

Welcome to One Space; you must be busy with four children! I have three and am run off my feet so I take my hat off to you (and to you sparklinglime). How old are your children and how long have you been a single parent?

Look forward to hearing from you.

HelenT

Posted on: July 10, 2010 - 6:29pm

sarahrhlh

Hi HelenT

Thanks for your message my children are 11, 9, 3, and 3 months i have been divorced for 3 years then 2 years later got caught up in a bad relationship and have been on my own for the last month. how old are your children?

Look forward to chatting

Sarah

Posted on: July 10, 2010 - 7:57pm

sarahrhlh

Hi thanks for your message my children are aged 11, 9, 3, and 3 months and it is hard work i really hope things will get better as i have been divorced for 3 years then 2 years ago met someone els and got caught up in a bad relationship

Hope to chat soon

Posted on: July 10, 2010 - 8:01pm

sarahrhlh

Hi louise

i am from buckinghamshire where are you from? yes i do have local family however my parents live far away but my mum does come to stay with me quite often to help out and give me a break. My children are aged 11, 9, 3, and 3 months. i have been divorced for 3 years then 2 years later fell into a bad relationship and have been on my own for the last month which is why i have a 3 month old what about you what is your situation?

look forward to hearing from you

Posted on: July 10, 2010 - 8:07pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello sarahrhlh

Good to know a bit more about you. So you have been single for about a month now, and you have a little baby as part of your family. That's hard work! However I also saw that you said your last relationship had been "bad" and so in that respect I am glad you are not in that anymore. Are the children's dads involved at all and how does that affect you?

With Anna and Helen T, I am one of the moderators on this board. I became a single parent when my two boys were eight and three. They are now 20 and 15 so time has flown. We have members from all over the country (I am in Yorkshire) and it's a really friendly place to share your worries, celebrate your joys and get some online support.

Posted on: July 11, 2010 - 7:47am

sarahrhlh

hi louise

Thanks for your message.

I was married for 9 years and had 3 children then he had an affair and left me. i was not in a good place after my third child as i got posnatal depression and he was not supportive which is why he looked elswhere. he went with this girl who lived in the village and later found out her dad lives at the end of my road which he still does so whatever i do even now gets reported back to my ex husband. then my ex and his girlfriend decided to move to doncaster and he wanted our children to stay up there at weekends i said no as it was too far for them to travel in a weekend not only that our yougest was only 1 at the time so i could not let them go as if she was upset or needed me i would not be able to get to her quickly. so he decided to fight me through the courts to get them to stay in doncaster this went on for over a year then in the end after he had a trail weekend it came to an end as they were not well looked after and also he gave up as he returned to work and could no longer get legal aid. after all that I was on my own for 2 years and then decided to join a dating website online as it was hard for me to go out as could not get babysitters i got chatting to a man who seemed really nice so when my children went to my parents their grandparents for two weeks in the summer holidays last year which they do every year to give me a break i decided to meet this man after a month of chatting we got on really well and i thought i had found my soulmate. Then in a very short time i fell pregnant i could not believe it as we had been very carefull and he also told me that he had tried for 7 years on ivf with his ex wife to have a baby and spent thousands to have had no sucess and was told he would never be able to have children it would apear that was not the case as i was pregnant so things moved too quick in the relationship as i could not get rid of the pregnancy as it was not in my nature. i later learnt that he had no friends and nor did he want me to have any which i did at the time so i dropped everyone not knowing at the time he was controlling me he would follow me everywhere. At first he got on well with my children but then decided to tell them off when he thought they were not being good which i hated. Things got a whole lot worse and to cut a long story short the police were called 3 times and i ended up in the middle of domestic violence. My depression has got worse now and feeling low i have appointed a solicitor and she has said if he contacts me just one last time we will have to get an injunction i did give him 3 chances to change as he has a real temper on him and shouts alot at me and my kids. i only gave him the third chance as he said he was seeing an anger management coach i later found out this was not true it was just another plot for me to take him back. he has now contacted social services and said i am an unfit mother as the third time did not work as i had to ask him to leave as he lost his temper again and i had to call the police again so i am now being investergated by them thanks to him. my solicitor is going to sort out a contact centre for him to see our little girl and has written to him to say this but have not heard anything yet my solicitor does not think he will as she thinks unless he can see me he will not be interested. i have been told by his family he will never leave me alone and now my mum wants me to move away but i have to think of my kids as they all love it here and they have lots of friends. I do have the health visitor to talk to and another person who trys to help with my depression as they have just increased by dose due to feeling low with this whole situation. Trouble is after all this i am still hurting as i do have feelings for him but because of the above i have been told he is no good for me and i have to move on which i know i want to get stronger and just look after my kids but it is hard with 4 children although i love them so very much

I would really welcome your thoughts and it would be relly nice to make so new friends i can chat too as i have lost alot of my old ones because of this man

Best wishes

sarah

Posted on: July 11, 2010 - 10:12am

hazeleyes

Hi Sarah, welcome to One Space. Sorry to hear you're going through so much at the moment. I look forward to getting to know you too.

Take care

Alison

Posted on: July 11, 2010 - 2:28pm

sarahrhlh

Hi Alison thanks for the message no things have not been good. how are things with you? and how many children do you have?

looking forward to chatting

take care

Sarah

Posted on: July 11, 2010 - 6:13pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello sarahlhrh

My heart goes out to you, thank you for sharing your story, what a lot you have had to put up with.

As for social services, yes it is stressful for you to be contacted by them but I have had lots of dealings with them over the years and unless a parent actually neglects their children, puts them in danger or the parent has a significant alcohol or drug problem then they will not take any action; they just have to investigate as he has reported it. Try to keep your chin up while all this is going on.

Congratulations on being strong enough to break free of this man who was controlling you. We have a helpfui contact with a scheme called The Freedom Programme. See here for details. It should make interesting reading for you, and it might help you to realise that others have been in a similar situation to you. I am glad that you have a solicitor helping you, and it sounds as if the injunction might be needed.

We are all here for you . Are you getting some help with feeling depressed? whether through your doctor or with a counsellor?

I am so glad that you found us!!!!!

Posted on: July 11, 2010 - 7:19pm

bee3

Hi, thank u for sharing, it helps us all. do not feel bad about being depressed,think anyone would be,in your position, You must be a strong woman, lets not forget with a new baby you are probably still sleep deprived, which makes everything 10 times worse! I Have had depression on and off for years but now am so much better, been on anti depressants all through pregnancy and breast feeding. If yours dont work for you try different kind, it has given me the power to function well enough to look after my self and son and do the work getting to know myself and how to be more at one with the world, through years of counselling in my case! It is a challenge but well worth putting your energy into. (when you have some!) Freedom project, or something similar sounds like good idea. Get your strength through your kids, treasure the tiny things, cant fix the world all at once. some days i struggle with just one little boy! but thats life. My baby father thought i had postnatal depression, funny it only happened when he was around!!x

Posted on: July 12, 2010 - 10:07pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Thanks, smellie, that's excellent input from one who has been there at the coal face and lived to tell the tale!

Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 8:53am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi there sarahrhlh

Welcome to One Space, thanks for sharing your story, it is soooo hard to let go of a man you love. Friends and family all tell you, get over it, he doesn't deserve you and the things is, you know it too, but how do you tell your heart that?? As you become more independant and your life takes on different turns, you will recognise that you are worth more than what he had to offer and what you might think is love now, is actually a very different emotion, need, hope, infatuation???

The future can only be golden now, you are free from a very difficult man and you have a lovely family.

Have you heard about the Freedom Programme? It is an empowering programme who are suffering or have suffered domestic violence. It is a great way to gain an understanding of what has gone on in your previous relationship and also you get to meet other women who often become very good friends.

Louise gave you a link to one of our articles about The Dominator and I just want to direct you to the Abuse and Violence section of the site too.

Please know that you are not alone dealing with all of this, 1 in 4 women deal with domestic abuse at some point in their lives, if you want to chat more about your relationship or issues you are still facing, join in or start your own topic in Relationships and You.

It is sad that you have lost some of your old friends, are there any that you think you could contact and tell them that you are sad that you don't see them anymore?

Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 4:54pm

HelenT

Hi Sarahrhlh,

Thank you for having the strength to share your story. You have been through a really terrible time and it sounds like all in all your coping amazingly!

Please don't feel guilty for being depressed. Not only are you post-natal and sleep deprived but you have awful been through some terrible traumas. Has your doctor offered you any therapeutic support? There are some organisations that offer free/cheap counselling for women, where in the country are you?

The feelings you still have for your ex are not unusual, abusers rarely show thier absuive side while your falling in love with them and it can be a really strange experience to love the man/woman you fell in love with but be terrfied of the person they have become. The Freedom Programme is really fantastic, it helps give you a wider perspective on your experience.

You have clearly been left really isolated, how do you feel about Louise's suggestion of getting back in touch with old friends?

In terms of moving house it sounds like there is quite a bit of pressure on you..living down the road from your ex-in-laws must be horrible! Kids are amazingly resiliant and if you felt that a move was the right thing for your family then they would cope. How far away is your Mum suggesting that you move?

Thinking of you.

HelenT

PS: In answer to your earlier question, my children are ten, six and three. I have been on my own with them and in a relationship. I was fifteen when I had my eldest and we have been through the mill a bit. There have had experienecs that I would rather my children not to have had, but; like the rest of us, I do my best.

Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 8:41pm

Butterfly

Hi Sarah,

I have just read your story, it is very sad and my heart goes to you. Please kkep strong and stay away from this man! For your children and your safty.

It is bed time now and I am off to bad but I will write again soon.

Like you i also feel very lonley and it is hard to be on your own with children. But it is true better on your own that in bad company.

Take care talk soon

Posted on: July 13, 2010 - 10:22pm