Rejection | One Space

pixiponk

This is something I know has hurt me and contributed to my lack of confidence and self esteem.
I know this is an issue for lots of people for various reasons.

How do I plan the conversation with my little girl when she asks who her Daddy is?
How do I say 'he just didn't want to know you'.
And your grandparents dissapprove of you because you were born out of wed lock thats why they don't see you and basically you have been rejected by all the important people apart from me.

Is this a universal fear of parents bringing up a child or children on their own.

Finding this web site has helped because I've seen my daughter is not going to be the only girl without a Dad. But surely it's stil going to hurt her.

Posted on: March 9, 2009 - 10:57pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi pixiponk

You sound very worried about how rejected your daughter is going to feel as she gets older. I truly believe that you don't miss what you don't have. As children we might think 'oh if only I had a little sister to play with' or 'if only my grandad was still alive he would tell me really amazing things' etc but if we don't have them, we live with it. I don't know if you agree??

We will only grow up feeling rejected if we are told that we were rejected. I think if we as the parents accept our situation, (which when you consider however many hundreds of thousands of children are being raised by single parents in the UK is not that unusual, just not the fairytale) then our children will grow up rounded.

We can teach our children what we believe to be the right way people should behave, and what we expected from fathers, grandparents, friends etc but we can also share our disappointment when people don't act the way we expected them to.

I grew up with two parents, my best friend didn't and she has always reassured me that she doesn't miss not having a dad, she loves her mum, her mum is her family, end of story.

Do you see what I am saying? What does everyone else think? How have you dealt with talking to your children?

Posted on: March 10, 2009 - 12:20pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello

My two-penn'orth on this! I think it is really important not to use the "r" word to your daughter, even though you may (understandably!) feel upset and bitter on her behalf..after all we all want the world for our children. I do think, though, that she may ask about her father in time. I wonder how you would feel about saying "His name was X and you have brown eyes/black hair/a nice smile (whatever!) just like him. He decided he didn't want to live in the same house as Mummy...and that makes me extra-lucky cos I get you all to myself, you are so lovely and I want to give you a big cuddle right now!" You could then talk about people you know who have different family compositions and say as long as children are looked after then that's all that matters.

Best wishes

Louise :)

Posted on: March 10, 2009 - 12:56pm

pixiponk

I know my fear has grown since I broke up with my boyfriend who although not Jessica's Father, has been an amazing 'Dad' to her. He has 2 children of his own who had accepted Jess and were lovelly to her.
I think I am so upsett because it did look like I had managed to get us a family and now that has gone.
It did not matter at all to me that her Father was not interested because I would have been able to point out how much she was loved by me, my boyfriend and his children.
It will hopefully be a while before I have to explain and I am probably thinking in terms of how hurt and alone I feel at the moment knowing what I have just lost.
When the time comes I may have a more posotive perspective of things and i'll be able to find good things to say about it just being the two of us.
Thanks for your thoughts
I wil feel better when I have convinced myself I can do this on my own.

Posted on: March 10, 2009 - 3:29pm

sparklinglime

"I think I am so upsett because it did look like I had managed to get us a family and now that has gone."

You are a family - however many there are in your unit.

I know when I was playing frisbee on the beach with my children on the Sunday after we left, my eldest son broke down and said that we weren't a family anymore. In a way, I was lucky as ex did very little with the children, so I was able to ask what was different to any other time we'd played frisbee - there wasn't anything different.

Your daughter will have you.

I love both the replies you've had from Anna and Louise. It's just at the moment things must seem so daunting. Like you say, once you realise that it's ok, you will enjoy it more. Just take a day at a time getting there.

Loads of hugs coming your way.

Posted on: March 10, 2009 - 10:21pm

pixiponk

Sort of replying to your other message in the intro thread.
My love for my ex is huge and I'l never not be there for him and his kids. His oldest is 10 and I actually made friends with her over my dog before the relationship started.
I love them all so much and understand his head completely.
My maternal instincts for my own child didn't kick in til fairly late in the pregnancy and I am sure it was the relationship I was building with his kids that triggered it all off.
I was even prepared to move countries with him if thats what he decided to do.
I know his love for my daughter is massive he still comes here alot and watching (spying really) on them I can tell it is genuine and that he is just as upsett over it all as I am.
We might have been ok if my housing problems had not happened when they did but I couldn't controll that and now I have to focus on getting things straightened out for me and Jess. I am hoping that he will still see us but everything is pulling in the wrong direction for us to stay together and I think the reality of that was what finished us.
There are so many issues and this is all still quite raw at the mo so I probably don't make much sense. Feelings and hopes and fear are all going up and down

Posted on: March 10, 2009 - 11:05pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi pixiponk, how are you doing, you have been very quiet recently, is life falling into place :?: Or are you still wading around in the many issues that you are facing at the moment :?:

Posted on: March 26, 2009 - 4:35pm