Hello lindsaygii
I have been uable to get on the board till now, so apologies for late reply.
it must be very disheartening not to get the response you had hoped for from your baby's grandparents. Trust your instincts: you say you think the grandma would like to be involved. I would keep on trying. You could say to them (in a card? with a photo?)that you understand their reservations, given that their son had questioned the baby's paternity but that it is indeed their grandchild and you would like them to have a relationship. You've got nothing to lose; if they ignore you or say no then you're no worse off.
Alisoncam, how upsetting that you got that response....you're right, your son is better off without them!
Hi
I agree really, in that you could send a photo and a short note. Personally I wouldn't discuss the father's doubts about parentage, as you know that it's a load of rubbish.
By not telling your child about them, in a way this could protect him if the negativity towards him continues.
I've been very lucky in that I do have a good relationship with my ex-in-laws - mainly due to the fact that she's The Git's step-mother (they met five years after The Git and I got married).
I think it's so difficult as you know how important these relationships could be.
Good luck with it, lindsaygii, ay least you will know that you have done your best, you would think they would be delighted to know their grandchild
Glad the CSA will have to get moving now as well, after the paternity test :shock:
a step forward...
I find it especially surprising as I know so many grandparents that are distraught when their son/daughter separates and they no longer see their granchild.
lindsaygii if you do not get a positive response from the grandparents then you know you will be building a different netwrok around your son. By that I mean that you can make your own substitute family with friends etc around him and you. I believe strongly that there is a real value in having an extra granny/grandpa (A lady in the neighbourhood became this for me, I took her shopping every week and she would push the baby round the block so I got some sleep and 15 years later we are still friends) I totally agree though that knowing your extended family is part of your cultural background and it is awful also to feel your child is being "rejected" whether by a father or other relatives. :x , although as alone says, better not to have inconsistent people in your child's life
Hi
My son's grandparents, (paternal side) have never seen him. His paternal grandmother lives just around the corner from us!!!! As I've said before, the grandfather didn't know my son existed until I made contact with him when my child was nearly 5, (was tracking the sperm doner down at the time). He told me straight that he didn't want to get involved, and wasn't interested!!!
My Mum died when my son was 2 and half. (we lived with her, as I was her carer). He never knew my Dad, but I speak constantly about his grandparents. I have also explained about his other grandparents, and I have told him, that like his father, they too will regret not ever knowing what a wonderful little boy he is. I also reassure him that none of this is anything whatsoever to do with him, but it is their own stupidity. Maybe I'm wrong to tell my Son so much, but in the long run, I think it is the best. I certainly do not want anyone in his life who doesn't really want to be. They could walk into his life tomorrow, and I would show them the door. They don't deserve to know him now. They had their chance, and they didn't take it.
Somedays, things that I read on here gets me so angry. My heart goes out to all the children, but as long as they have the parents, or one parent, that surround them with love, then they will be ok.
Hope everyone ok, take care
Alison
x :)
Hi lindsaygii
My view is that it might be worth holding back from contacting them while you feel like this :x Your anger is totally understandable but if it crept into any correspondence with them then it would just be counter-productive, whereas what you want to achieve is some decent grandparents fro your boy, or at least to know once and for all whether they will be involved, so that you can draw a line. Maybe just give it some time?
My heart goes out to you on this one.
Hi,
You don't come across as selfish to me.. and reading your thing there that you put in quotes, it seams perfectly reasonable to me, sent it! I dunno.
The bit about him spending money on avoiding the situation while you have to spend on dealing with it struck a cord with me... not in a way that that is how it is with me.. just It bought a smile to my face and I though, yeah! good point.
When it comes to sending stuff I write.. I just do it depending on the mood I happen to be in when it comes to the moment of commitment, like hitting return or what ever : )
Nothing you write above seems out of hand to me.
later.
Simon.
Yes there's a difference between writing it and sending it....(and by the way I have never thought you selfish, you are entitled to feel as you feel)
It depends what you want. They are unlikely to agree with your assessment of their son, true though it is, so sending this won't build any bridges. On the other hand, I bet it felt fantastic to write it all down! ;) I honestly think it would be a good idea to leave it for the time being. Whilst you are going through all this stress and annoyance with the CSA, it is diffcult to be anything other than very annoyed and frustrated :x I am at a total loss to understand the grandparents, I must say.
Hi lindsay
In no way are you selfish. I do things like sending letters or texts when I am totally p..... off, and always, always, I regret doing it. Sometimes I want to hurt the 'sperm doner', but I've realised that it doesn't hurt him at all, because basically he has no bloody feelings for my son. He promised my son, that he would e.mail him, but that was ages ago, and my son has received nothing. I am so lucky, that even though he is only 7, he understands only too well that never ever will he get anything from the 'sperm doner'.
If you haven't sent the letter already, I would suggest sitting on it for a while longer. You love your son enough for all of them put together. He is now what? 5, 6 months? They have had plenty of time to get in touch. I think they are spineless individuals, just like my son's so called other relatives. The position you are now in, is exactly what I was in, so I understand completely what you are going through, and are feeling. It sickens me to the core, but you are doing brilliantly.
Take care
Alison
x :)
I am not surprised you feel so furious! Anyway the good thing is that we are all here to chat to and give you some support. Claire=Louise might do some deep yoga breathing with you when you feel stressed out! :)
Hi
Ok, as you know I'm in more or less the same position as you, with the Grandparents etc. I don't think by sending that letter, it is going to cause trouble. If you do send it, just be prepared for, (1) no answer at all, (2) a response that you don't like.
You want the best for your son, and would like them to be in his life. I feel as angry about your situation as I do about my own. The children have done nothing wrong, and yet these 'so called' human beings know that they have been born, are part of them, and yet still do nothing.
Give them the choice to make,
Take care, and best of luck
Alison
x :)
I agree with Alison.
You know you've done your bit then.
I think that's a fab letter. You have been totally straight with them and polite into the bargain. I get the impression from your earlier posts that you would rather get matters resolved one way or another. As alisoncam says, you may get no response or a response you don't like but you will have done the best you can and at least it will be resolved
Good luck lindsaygii
Keep us posted, fingers crossed that they won't side with their son, and act more responsible than he himself has done! If not, then you know that you have done your best and tried for your son's sake. My son knows that I have tried, and to me that is all that counts.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Lindsay
I'm sorry you have heard nothing, but from experience, I actually thought that would be the case. Don't waste time worrying about it, they aren't worth it, and your son will realise this too when he is older. All that will matter in his life is you.
I know it is hard when you want something for your child, but don't sit and dwell on it over the xmas period, and don't let it spoil things for your son's first xmas. Have yourselves a wonderful Christmas ok.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi lindsaygii
I think your plan is very generous-spirited and unless they provide some positive contact e.g. Christmas present, wanting to see him etc then I do not see why you should worry about updating them twice a year. I know we do not know what they are being told by their son but if I was the Grandma I would still be in touch with you. I speak with so many distraught grandparents who want contact with their grandchildren and can't have it that I think you have done a really great thing in giving them that chance.
Ok! Grandparent Leave starts.................NOW!
Hiya
I can so identify with this one. It could be me writing it!!!!
When I realised I was pregnant, (I had already finished with the fella) I did the right thing and told him, and he assumed we would get back together. I told him that I had told him, not because I wanted him back, but because he was the dad, and obviously I wanted him involved. Anyhow, it was his mother who started spreading rumours that I had slept around, and couldn't possibly know if it was her son's!!!!!! (I hadn't by the way). Once I'd had my son, the sperm doner used to walk past us without a second glance. When my son got to nursery, aged 4, he started asking questions about his father. I rang the sperm doners father, (grandad to my son). He was shocked and sounded delighted. (He and the sperm doners mother are divorced). I then asked if he would like to meet up somewhere and maybe have a relationship with his grandchild. His answer was, 'No, I'm not interested'. That tore my heart out as you can imagine. I eventually tracked the sperm doner down to Spain, (where he's living now) My son has met him twice, he doesn't send gifts, maintenance or anything. I stopped contact as he was fart arsing around basically. My son is 7 now, and really knows the score. I have been honest with him. The grandmother still lives round the corner by the way, and my son wouldn't know her if we passed her in the street! I tried once more with the 'grandfather', and got the same response. As far as I'm concerned my son is better off without people like that in his life. They have had all the chances, and they have blown it.
When the time is right, you will also deal with your child's questions. Yes, it is hard, but just keep it basic to begin with. I didn't want my son building up a great image of his father, that was my big concern. (children do fantasize don't they).
Have been reading your other posts, and you are doing so well, apart from sleepness nights of course! You are the one sharing all the first steps with your son, and I wouldn't have missed those for the world!
Take care, have a good day
Alison
x :)