New to site and very scared and lonely

hayley27

Hi i'm Hayley i have a three year old son called Jacob. My partner of nine years left me just over 8 weeks ago for a girl he worked with, hes been having an affair for the last 9 months. I'm relieved to say its over as ive had my suspicions and been miserable for months but it doesnt make it any easier. I'm coping on my own pretty well i have very supportive firends and family but im so lonely and dont know how to start rebuilding my life without my partner who i loved very much and nver thought we would split as we'd always been so happy (sounds stupid now) I keep myself very busy and i work so it helps but my friends have partners and busy lives too and i dont want to be a burden to people, they must be sick of me crying and moaning at them. Ive come on this site to see if life does get better and hopefully some advice on how to move on and reallyit'd be lovely to meet some new friends and people who know how it feels

Sorry for waffling on
xx

Posted on: March 18, 2009 - 8:33pm

helloworld26!

hi
first, dont forget how amazing you are just by getting on with your life and caring for your son. its very hard to keep going. life does get better and there is support out there.... im still looking myself!!!! try gingerbread as they have groups in all areas and have information. ;) keep going as you are not alone xxxx

Posted on: March 18, 2009 - 10:50pm

Aberdulais

Hi there,
I have been on my own for three years now, but have three wonderful boys at home, plus elder boy and daughter away and working,and I guess they help a lot by my having their comfort, even if its just a phone call asking if they can borrow some money, or buy more credit for their mobile!!.... So the situation is a bit different. But being a single Dad I did find that a majority of people stay well away. I also found that it was difficult for the younger two, now aged 13 and just 15, over the past few years, as other parents very reluctant to let their children stay over or come for just a sleep over party for birthdays etc or do normal things on day out's with their school chums etc. Seems a lot more stigma attached to single Dad's than Mum's, like we may be not as responsible or as safe etc
Having said that, you are not alone. Take each day as it comes, something surprising or very kind does turn up from day to day, and gradually I found that I gave myself strength by achieving something each day. It could be a very little thing ( Like the washing, ironing, clearing up bedrooms !! or even just paying a bill!!) and after a while it gets to feel that you are in control, can do stuff, can be happy and can meet other people that view you as a human being and a friend......
I know I made mistakes and I know I did do the Victim bit for a while, but thankfully the need to give the children a fun life and a normal life, as much as is possible with no Mum, just gave me the edge on holding it all together and making an effort for their sake. You have a son who will look to you for support, love and caring and as hard as it may seem, just doing that day by day will give you your own strength back to say, to hell with it, I am better than this, I didn't deserve this, I am not going to be beaten by this.There's loads of reasons as to why you are probably a brilliant person, and loads of reasons as to why you should not be scared or lonely. Just day by day it will be brilliant again...trust me....it can be done !!
That's my rant for the day. Take care and remember you are special and very special to your son.
Robert.., even

Posted on: March 19, 2009 - 10:52am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi Hayley

I know what you mean, it can feel as if your grief is going on too long for other peoples' tolerance level :( I used to worry that friends would "go off" me if I didn't seem to be cheerful and coping. But if they are true friends then they won't disappear, and who wants false friends anyway?

The others have a lot of wise words for you and they have both been through your experience. One of the reasons this board is so fab is that we CAN help others with the benefit of our experience and also we CAN get help from someone who has been there and lived to tell the tale! I like Robert's idea of positive self-talk and maybe you could devise a mantra for yourself ie a positive little saying, such as "I am getting stronger and I am a great Mum to my little boy"...or whatever resonates with you. The trick is, I believe, to stand in front of the mirror and look yourself in the eye and say your mantra lots of times, maybe twice a day. I read somewhere that you are supposed say it 50 times but I don't know if I could manage that, 20 would be enough.

The Gingerbread suggestion is a good idea or you could go to http://webdb.navca.org.uk/home.aspx and find your local voluntary services agency, give them a ring and they will know of any groups in your area. Your Health Visitor can be a useful source of information. Also don't forget Net Mums. Go to http://www.netmums.com/home/home/ and find people in your area.

Keep posting, Hayley and take care

Louise :)

Posted on: March 19, 2009 - 12:04pm

hayley27

Hi all thankyou for your lovely replies ive been sat here reading them and crying ive forgotten what its like to hear nice words!
You all seem so amazing and coping brilliantly it makes me feel so much better and gives me hope for the future.

Today has been quite hard, my partners new girlfriend seems to like stirring and slagging me off ive heard today im a bad mother and im begging my partner to come back to me this couldnt be further from the truth and i know its all lies but it doesnt make it any easier you would think she'd be happy after wrecking my family and would move on with her own life truth is i dont think she likes that my x wants to be friends with for the sake of my son. I feel like i take two steps forward and 10 back why do i have to hear about him still and what hes up to i just want to be left alone to sort my own life does it ever get any easier still having to have contact with the x its driving me mad i feel like i could just pack up and move as far as away as possible!! :(

xxxx

Posted on: March 19, 2009 - 10:12pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi Hayley

Yes it WILL get easier. I think when we split from someone we can often feel we "hate" them, and hate is very akin to love. I always think a sign that you have truly moved on is if what you feel is indifference.....and that takes a long time to achieve. The new partner sounds very jealous of you and I am sure your son's dad won't be too impressed with her behaviour ;) Remaining civil for the sake of your little boy is indeed the very best thing for him, although understandably you would like to run away and escape from all the hassle. :(

Try to rise above the things she is saying and tell yourself you deserve better; in the end she will be made to look very foolish

Take care

Louise :)

Posted on: March 20, 2009 - 8:25am

Aberdulais

Hi there,
Indifference and silence...can't beat it for making the best positive point ever.....and probably the ex's new girlfriend is only slagging you off because she feels so insecure and jealous about you and knows how much better a person, and mum, you are than she is, or will be......and maybe even a touch of guilt ??
Stay indifferent and realise that you are better then that and better than anything she could say....that will do it. ( and I suspect the silence will annoy the hell out of her which can give you some small satisfaction :D )
But I am sure you will probably recieve much more grown up adult advice off this board... ;)

Robert

Posted on: March 20, 2009 - 12:56pm

Blusey7

Hi Hayley,

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone when things like this happen.

I've been seperated from my ex husband for almost 5 years and between him and the girlfriend that he has been with for the 4 years I have had nothing but grief from them.

2 years ago our children went on holiday with them both for a week. When they returned, aparently, my son had behaved so badly that the two of them split up over it (I believe that the behaviour was to do with wanting attention from his dad). My ex came to me telling me how awful it had all been and that she had been beating my ex up, threatened his life with a knife while he slept and attacked him with a pair of scissors infront of my daughter. It was deceided then that the children would not go back to the house again and for while he would come to my house and see the children.. this lasted for a month.. when i receieved a phone call out of the blue from him saying that they were back together, everything was ok and he wanted the children to go back. Of course MAJOR alarm bells were ringing and I said no. I sought advice from a solicitor about contact and I was told that as long as the threat wasn't to the children and they came to no harm, they had to go! I then started recieving abusive phone calls, texts messages and even them on my door step telling me that I couldn't stop him seeing them and saying that I had no right to call his girlfriend a bad mother and that I was a bad mother to my children... I went back to the solicitors and managed to get an anti-harrasment order against him... which he just laughted at! I wanted to talk to his girlfriend one to one and everytime I tried he blocked it one way or another.. months later I managed to get her on the phone and started to get the bigger picture.. HE had been telling her similar stories about me and that I had beaten him during our marriage (Which I didn't) and that I had been bad mouthing her to him!! She had said that none of violence had happened between them and asked my why I was stirring trouble. Luckly when my ex originally came to me he brought with him, and left here, a diary that he had been keeping and in it was detailed all of the attacks that he said took place and I told her this.... she went quiet and said no more. The next day I had an admission from him that he had lied... I was completely broken!! Months of trouble and anguish because he's decided to ellaborate on the truth!!! The relationship between me and them is still very strained and I struggle to figure out where he 'get's off' sometimes. I guess sometime people make up things or say things to get a rise out of other people without thinking of the consequences. I know I am a brilliant mum and I do the best by both my children and I am still learning to ignore them when anything else gets thrown my way. (and just for the record... my son is a model son for me and that all comes from consistent parenting - not the odd weekend he gets with them)

It does get better with time so be strong and you will get there :-)
(sorry i've gone on a bit on this one ;) )

Posted on: March 20, 2009 - 3:13pm

hayley27

Hi all sorry havent been on for a while went away to see family for a break it was lovely but unfortunatly had to come home!!! Robert i think your post is briliant and made me feel better and more importantly made me laugh!!

Things are slightly better I have been sorting alot of things out in the house and getting into a routine with my son. I'm findign it really hard seeing the x when he collects my son and drops him off. The touble is my son doesnt want to go with him cos hes says its boring and daddy doesnt do anything with him, i dont know what to say or do about it. it is almost like my x sees him as its his duty and cant really be bothered with him, i cant understand why he doesnt want to take him to the park or out and about it seems they just stay in a his mothers house (thats where he stays when hes not with the new g/f) I suppose im just cross and hurt for my little boy and i cant protect him from getting hurt but its very hard when he says he doesnt want to go with daddy and then he comes home and says hes been crying for me.

Things improve and then its the next hurdle to deal with and please can anyone tell me when i wont feel sick or upset when i see the x, i wish it would all go away and i could turn off all feelings i ever had for him

sorry for waffling on probably doesnt make any sense
xxxx

Posted on: March 30, 2009 - 10:22pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Wise words, Blusey :)

Hayley no-one can tell you when you will feel better about your son's dad, it varies from inidividual to individual and relationship to relationship. It's really hard to have to see him when he collects your son. Is there anywhere else he can collect him from? A friend? A family member? Could you send your child with an activity such as a game or toy so that at least he has something to do when he is with his dad. Re the relationship breakdown, I recommend you read "Putting Children First" by Karen and Nick Woodall, available from Amazon or play.com. There is a substantial and comprehensive section about splitting up and working through those feelings.

Take care of yourself

Louise ;)

Posted on: March 31, 2009 - 9:54am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi hayley27

Just wanted to say HI to you, lots of people have been responding to your post and it sounds as if you occasionally see some wood for the trees!! It sounds as if you have good days, like clearing around the house and difficult days too.

I read something recently that I thought was really interesting it went a bit like this

We know that times are a-changing when:

• 24 hour obsessing about ex partner changes to occasional flashes of anger or upset
• We spend less time complaining and more time solving
• We call up old friends for a laugh rather than a moan
• We make new decisions and explore new interests
• We no longer stereotype the opposite sex
• Realisation that you are not the only single parent
• Divorce/separation was the only possible solution to a destructive relationship and not a punishment for failure.
• We realise that we are FREE, to do what we want, when we want, how we want and we are very good at it!!!

:lol:

Posted on: April 1, 2009 - 3:56pm

Butterfly

Hi Hayley,

How are you? I was reading your story and I am in a very similar situation.LOnley adn heart broken.

I hope that over the last year you are now back on track and happy and the lonleness has gone!.

How are you now? One thinkg I am sure you/ we are not alone !

Hope to hear from you .Have a nice day :-)

Posted on: July 19, 2010 - 8:02am

HelenT

Hi Butterfly,

Great to see you on other posts. What do you think of Anna's tips?

HelenT

Posted on: July 19, 2010 - 7:45pm