Hello yulecken
It must be difficult for you knowing that she is riding for a fall. I agree that honesty is the best policy...up to a point, What I mean is that if a child's father went off because he couldn't give a monkey's then I wouldn't tell them that. Your daughter will have built up this image as a defence against feeling sad she has no dad. In a lot of ways it is easier if the child has some knowledge of the other parent because then they are under no illusions.
I have been looking around for a book to help you and haven't succeeded yet, it would be great to find an age-appropriate story book about a child in the same position. I really think that all you can do is think of a few choice phrases to use, and use them again and again and try not to get cross or say "For heaven's sake, your dad isnt a hero, he is a xxxxxxxx" (whatever you really think!) Phrases you could use : "I know you are sad that you don't see your dad. I don't know where he is, sweetheart, sorry...now let's....colour/bake/go for a walk/watch Shaun the Sheep", or "You have your dads eyes and his smile, you are such a lovely girl, I love you lots and I am so glad that you are with me" or "Yes I can see that it must be really hard wondering about your dad. I wonder about him too as we dont know where he is, but let's try not to be sad, we have got each other and I love you so much"
Hi yulecken
Welcome to One Space. I can relate to your situation. How old is your daughter?
My son is now 7, the father didn't want to know. When my son got to age 4, started nursery, and saw Dads collecting the children, more questions started!! Aged about 3, I used to make a story up about his daddy being silly being he was frightened of babies, like some people are frightened of dogs. (I didn't quite know what to say at that age) Once nursery started however, I had to change it. My son asked all sorts of questions, like, 'do I really have a Dad?, now I'm not a baby, do you think he would see me now, and not be frightened'. For my son's sake, I knew I had to try and trace him. I found a number for the 'grandfather', and was told my son's father was in Spain. Texts were sent back and forth, (he didn't even know at the time if he had a son or daughter). After a few weeks, I let him ring my son.
I tell my son that it isn't his fault that the father isn't around. I think it is definately best to be honest with the child, it isn't easy, but try not to run him down either. The child (ren) will soon work things out for themselves anyway.
Are there any members of his family that you could track down? Do you even want to track him down? I certainly didn't, as I felt if he didn't want to know at the beginning, why should he start getting involved later on. I did it for the sake of my son, and didn't want him building his own little fantasy.
Keep posting, there are lots of people to support you.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hiya
I know what you mean about this. My Aunt totally disagreed when I contacted my son's father. The man hasn't been constant in my son's life, he let him down on so many occassions, and these were just phone calls! He basically doesn't give a stuff. Anyhow, my Aunt has said that I should never have told my son about his father!! My question to her was, 'So, what should I have told him, that the father had died?' I also told her that she is not in my position, and I will listen to her opinions, but I don't have to agree ;)
thanks again.. it's good to get some of these thoughts off my chest as talking to people does not work as they just blame me (should not have done this/should have had abortion),.... and those comments don't much bother me as I do not hear them anymore... but they do not help me ...
That's right guys, people have no right to judge. Until they have walked a mile in your shoes how can they understand!? :x
I am glad you are finding the support helpful, yulecken, it must be hard to know what to say to your daughter sometimes.
Hi yulecken
It sounds as though your daughter is looking for reassurance about herself. Do you get to spend much special time with her? A time when you can just be? With her? This is a time when you can tell her about her positive traits and if she asks if she is like her dad, you could tell her, you know as much as I do darling!
I know my daughters father so much better than my daughter does, and when she was younger I used to tell her all about him and his family, but I realised that this was unfair as although I was making him sound lovely and fun (which he wasn't most of the time!) I think it made her wonder why he didn't make the effort with her (although I stopped physical contact as he had proven to be dangerous, he was still encouraged by courts, his family and myself to keep in written contact). So I changed my tack and basically let her know that I was as much in the dark as she was. Basically I didn't want her to feel that I had one up on her as I knew more than she did.
This is only my situation, but I wanted to share it, as sometimes other peoples experiences can help!
Have a read of our article about special time: http://www.onespace.org.uk/articles/behaviour/special-time
How do you feel about your ex now? Do you feel anger, hurt, abandonment or are you clear of all of that??
HI,
From what I've read on the subject, just tell them the truth when asked questions and don't let your own feelings cloud what you say, easier said than done at times I know..
This is something I found that relates to my situation but the key points I think may be of help to you... It's actually from a page about grandparents bringing up children because the parents are in prison or on drugs or something, or both.. : )
I only have experience with the missing mum and mine don't idolise her in anyway that I've noticed but then they have seen her at times so she's not a complete unknown to them.
later.