I withdrew from my OU course last week, and asked for a deferment. With the demands of my neighbour following her hip replacement, I got a very poor mark on my first essay. I was spending like 6+ hours a day at her house, and the work never stood a chance.
The second essay never got submitted - neighbour still, and then issues with my youngest, including him having flu, and me having the social services calling and doing assessments, and losing a friend. I had a mega panic attack before the essay was due which made me put it away.
Third essay, I had time to put the work in and had a reasonable mark.
Anyway. While I was ok about the outcome of the specialist, it seems to have had a delayed reaction. I seem to be devastated by the fact that I'm not going to be able to walk the miles I did, not run, not paddle in the sea. I'm crying loads (which is nothing new, I know :-D ). I know I was doing really badly on the essay plan, and that's when I emailed OU and withdrew. With the bad mark of the first essay, there seemed little chance of passing this part of the course.
They have agreed that I can start the course again in October. This means that I can revise properly for my sociology resit (that my tutor is still fuming that they didn't pass me on appeal) in the summer. Although I still haven't had the date. Could be because the GP's letter I sent in November got returned to me, undelivered on Saturday. No idea why - and should it really take three months to return a letter?
While the tone of the OU is not best pleased, at least they've agreed.
I am being selfish...
I can almost feel the relief too.
Now you see, your post has set me off again. Its like I deserve a kick up the bum and not understanding.
Madness I know.
And thank you.
xxx
Hi sparkling lime
I can't add much to Anna's post except to emphasise that it is entirely normal to grieve your old way of life. It is sinking in now and you are bound to feel sad, and angry and frustrated. Cut yourself some slack and let yourself grieve. You also have grief stored up from the death of your friend, your memories of your family bereavements and the death of your beloved rabbit, so it is good to let it out.
In time you will be able to accept what has happened but this won't take place overnight, especially when there is so much else to deal with. So be as kind to yourself as you can and you will get there, I am sure of it.
Take care
I've had an email to say that the chances of resitting the exam I couldn't get to in October may be turned down due to the content of the GPs letter.
In the grand scheme of things, its nothing.
However, I'm sure you can guess I'm crying again.
Stop the world - I need to get off...
Sending you big hugs, sparkling lime
Letter sent to GP...
It's at least 3 weeks until I have an appointment.
I was assessed too for disabled student centre. So I've written a letter to them too, to see what happens there.
Maybe I should get Scout stuff out, might take my mind off feeling a failure.
I think I just like being miserable, really. If only I could make a career out of it :-)
Sparklinglime wrote: Maybe I should get Scout stuff out, might take my mind off feeling a failure.
I think I just like being miserable, really. If only I could make a career out of it :-)
Oh my god, you are SOOO not a failure, you are a strong woman who I have a tremendous amount of admiration for. From what I have known of you on these boards you deal with SO many issues - yeah you may need a cry every now and then don't we all - but you have been through such a traumatic 5 years and still you are a fab mum to your 4 children and GREAT support to others.
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE - you may not be superwoman, but you are a supermum/superfriend/superneighbour/superscoutleader/
super.pet.owner etc etc etc!!
Do you ever write down how you are feeling, in a personal place rather than on the boards? Like a diary? Do you write poetry at all?
I do write stuff down. I have a rant and rave book (in the back of which I keep the hours that The Git sees the children). The book has "keep out" on the front in marker pen, saying contents may upset as written in a temper!
I also have a journal (I no longer keep a diary, as life can be quite the same - which is good! - and so not much to record on a daily basis) and in this I will write pages of things that have gone on - still parts of it aren't so good, but not ranting and raving, using covering things that I find disappointing!
It's a release.
I had a good chat with the Explorer leader's wife, who is so encouraging. I'm off on a nights away training weekend with Scouts - although I'm coming home for the nights - I don't quite trust this lot! I had thought of pulling out, as a lot of the work is outdoors - and I just can't walk on fields as they're so uneven, and I can't lift my left leg without it locking. She's assured me I'm very much needed and me directing can get so much done!
She made me laugh.
I still feel so sick about this course though.
and thank you. That's such a lovely post.
Hi sparkling, I find it fascinating to write things down. I don't do it enough, I love that you have written on the front of your book, contents may upset as written in temper! Very funny!
Are you off for the training this weekend? Is there no-one that could stay the night at yours with the children, so you get a night away?
So good of the Explorer leaders wife to remind you that your directing is very much needed.
Stop worrying about the course, worry is unhealthy, read about the effects of worrying, very interesting!
I shall be happier coming home, just to make sure the doors are locked!!
Also I'll be less anxious about whether or not the bunks are too low for me to get up from etc.
Less worry this way.
However, if I can see its good tonight, I could stay tomorrow night.
I'm still dreading it :-)
I can see you sitting in a chair with a big sign saying "Director" on the back of it :-)
Hope the course is interesting. I don't blame you for wanting to get home at night to check out what has been going on (speaking as a fellow-mum of teenagers, lol) but see what the place is like for staying in the future.
I think the journal is a fab idea, I also said to you a while ago that you could write your life story. You have a great deal to be proud of!
Maybe I should write my story in my time off before resuming the course in October!!
The Scouting course was pretty good. Parts were like hitting a brick wall knowing there is no solution to me doing things, but most I figure I could muddle through.
All the people were brilliant, but some were exceptionally brilliant in making sure I was able to join in with things.
Good contacts with a couple of other groups on Anglesey, so we have a few evenings planned for the summer already.
I survived - and am so glad I did come home on Friday and Saturday night.
I have a migraine today - relief probably!
Hi sparklinglime and welcome home!
Glad you survived, it sounds like it was a lot of fun, a change from the normal routine.
Great to meet new people and have plans for the summer, I'm envious!
I am not sure that you would be able to go however as you will be incredibly busy writing your life story!!
I feel so low today.
I feel my life has not moved on in the six years since I left. Friends with chappy, yet feel obliged to have paid his bills. Clearly I'm conditioned to be like this.
Then I get moidered by the friend I do the work for about things I continually do to make things easier for him.
I've given up all I can to fit all these things in, yet I still can't do it.
I need to resign from my what should be half an hour a day job - yet how when they're friends?
I need time out - which clearly is impossible.
No where to turn without there being a challenge to face. Yet my life has been so very much harder - so why do I feel like I'm drowning today?
Gawd, I bet you're glad you don't know me in real life!! lol
Dear dear sparklinglime
Your life has moved on in the last 6 years, but today you are having a bad one.
I can't remember whether you said you have been for counselling before, I'm sure you have but I think it is time to reach out again and try and get some more. To build your confidence and assertiveness. Do you have courses locally?
I know you are a very busy woman, but I have just found this: Assertiveness-course, there is also a Confidence course, although I think these may have started already, but they must have more in the pipeline.
Your children are getting older and you are allowed to spend a bit more time on you now.
If the people you work for are friends of yours remember that they should understand.
PS. I would love to know you in real life. I have been there where every day seemed like a struggle, you can turn this around, but I feel you could do with some community support to help you get there.
Hello sparkling lime
You are very special and you WILL get through this. You are so loving and caring and anyone would be privileged to be your friend.
I think it was understandable to feel low as you came "back to reality" after the excitement of last weekend. Often, when we have a break from routine, getting back to that routine is doubly hard and it takes a few days to readjust. So, cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself. Counselling would be a great tool to help you on your way. What do you think?
I'll be ok.
Its just anger I feel towards chappy - who likes to tell people we're together when we haven't been for a while. And I'm bailing him out...
I've very little money now for a fortnight.
Got a load of cleaning materials together to start scrubbing his place tomorrow. I treated myself to a pair of a marigolds. My friend who's ruthless is going to come too.
Chappy has been told.
He's looking very well.
Umm sparkling, I have a query... you are feeling frustrated with this man because he tells people you are together, you are cross with him because you felt as though you had to bail him out and now you are actually left with very little money. You are about to go and clean his house for him???
No wonder he is looking well! Am I being harsh? Not sure, just wonder whether you are doing this because you want to or because you feel like you should? Back me up anyone else on this, we are all friends here!
Hi sparkling
I hope you have not been working too hard, you have enough on your own plate already and I don't want anyone to take advantage of your good nature.
The money thing does worry me, though, do take care as you have you and the children to feed and care for
Big hug.
Hi sparklinglime, how are you today? Sorry my earlier post did sound a bit harsh, I was only saying it because I care and don't want to see you being taken advantage of, you are kind hearted person.
Are you cleaning today? If so, what a beautiful day for it. Also even though it is for someone else, it can be SO therapeutic!
Hi Sparkling, I'm backing Anna all the way here, (as you already know). It is very sad that your friend has taken ill, but........ You and he aren't an item, you have bailed him out because you are such a kind-hearted person, but have now left yourself very short for the next week or so. You are cleaning his house up...... Where are his brothers by the way?
You do need to take a break, and I know the little bit of work for your friends helps you,but surely they would understand that you need time for yourself.
I haven't been around much this week, as you know, not been the best of times for me, but hey ho and all of that.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend. No plans (as usual), but I am looking forward to it, and hoping to see some sunshine.
Take care
Alison
x
Hi alisoncam, thanks for the back up, I was beginning to feel a bit of a monster.
You have had a difficult week? I hope that your son is in good form and the weekend can be a relaxing and recuperating one for you. How about a treat for yourself?
Hello
You're not being harsh, and I know you're right.
Been cleaning for 4 hours with my friend today. Chappy actually came out today and must have been upset seeing the dustbin full as the ambulance is on the way to pick him up.
I've had a very long chat with his brother today, and we both feel chappy has lost the right to have any say in things. We're both heartbroken by what's gone on.
Probably chappy will go back to live with his brother. I'm very fond of his family - as they are of me and the children. I'd never let this land soley on their shoulders.
My friend and I will go back and keep sorting stuff. We'll pack the house up probably ready for him to go.
Need to find a home for his dog too.
I'm already writing him off - which perhaps is very negative when he's probably in an ambulance not doing so well.
But Anna. You are so right. I just don't see a way around it.
xxx
Hi sparkling lime
Sounds like the heart attack will mean big changes in his lifestyle if he needs to go and live with his brother.
Don't work too hard. I am glad you have your friend to help you
My friend is brilliant - she's a pensioner too, which is easy to forget as she's so active.
Ambulance didn't take chappy to hospital.
Have to say I was getting rather anxious by 10.30am as I hadn't heard from him. However, seems he wants tea bags!!
Youngest had football match this morning, so was out the house early. Done Tesco - nightmare on a Saturday, but I needed some things that home deliver don't do!
Eldest wants to go to the track day in Ty Croes, so I'll take him there then go to chappy's place as he lives near by.
Strange. Saw someone in Tesco who was under the impression that chappy and I lived together. What has he been telling people? We never did...
Hmm well you said he had been telling people you were still together. It is wishful thinking on his part, methinks.
You are a heroine doing the supermarket on a Saturday. I had to go last Monday and I went out of the door as my son did, at 8am to get whistled round whilst it was empty then I could get back and do my work. I think I remember you saying you have been pretty late at night once or twice with the children? At Christmas I sometimes go at 6am, just to avoid the crowds.
Your friend must be perking up if he is clamouring for tea bags!
Did you get yourself a Caramac?
I've not had a Caramac for ages. Not because I've gone off them, but because I've not found one!
Went to take the tea bags today and have brought about 3 weeks worth of washing to do.
I reckon once that's done then I'll be satisfied to leave him to it.
Calculating, maybe, but I need to get to a place where I'm happy to turn on him.
Children and I went to Rhosneigr after and had some chocolate and a drink. I really shouldn't have, but it was so lovely sitting watching the sea for a while.
I'll be sticking to midnight shopping - far easier fighting with cages rather than shoppers on a mission!
My ex-father-in-law has send me £20 with love - to help feed chappy's dog! They're very fond of chappy.
Hope you're enjoying the weekend.
That's good about the £20!
Glad you had a little oasis of calm looking at the sea. You deserve it after all that hard work.
Right: so now I am going to start looking out for Caramac bars.
Get your washer on overtime today, sparkling!
It's already on the second load of the day. :-D Some stuff draped over various chairs drying (if I put them on the line they'd turn into cardboard!! lol ) and some in the dryer.
One load of whites after this and then done.
Only giving them a quick wash.
Oldest is working today, so by then we can take the clean stuff back to chappy, all folded and ready to be shoved in airing cupboard.
Heart nurse there tomorrow, and his brother on Tuesday.
Another lovely, sunny day here. I'm guessing the next problem will be drought!!
..and then there will be a hosepipe ban, lol.
It's sunny up here too but was freezing in the night, I got up and put a tracky top on in the early hours and went back to bed, but then must have got too hot as I had a dreadful nightmare.
Sounds like you will feel it is the end of the chapter when you take the washing back and he has people to help him for the next few days.
I remain on full Caramac alert! although it is pasta for lunch, What are you having?
We're going to have roast dinner today. I think we have time to fit it in before I have to take eldest to work later!
Might do roast potatoes too as I fancy some!
Yes, I fee I'm closing a chapter today. I don't feel sad about it, but extremely disappointed.
Still have the dog mind (who sort of is half mine), at least until chappy is well enough to chase down the road after him when he gets out through the hedge (dog, not chappy :-D )
Oh, you worried me there, thinking about chappy in the hedge, lol.
I understand you feel disappointed, especially wondering about what he has been saying about your relationship.
Hope you had a nice roast dinner:-)
I've taken my oldest boy to work and then driven right across to deliver a price to Caernarfon. The other three decided not to come.
It was lovely. The sun was shining and it was quiet - as I had the radio off most of the time.
My eldest is upset as I bought chappy's car off him a couple of years back and they were meant to be doing it up together. Still loads to do... I've told him to get his mates involved and to get cracking on it!
I can do this.
Yes you can! There was a lot of determination in that statement, sparkling :-) And your eldest will be able to do up the car anyway.
The drive sounds lovely, and a bit of peace for you in all the chaos.
Hope you have a good Monday.
Hi sparklinglime
Well done for all that you have done this weekend, you do sound so incredibly busy! I am glad you got a bit of 'me' time, whilst you drove to Caernarfon, it actually sounds quite wonderful!
Are you able to have a quiet day today??
I had to get the children to the dentist at 8.30am... Try doing that when 3 of them happen to have teacher's training day!!!
lol lol lol lol
Met up with my friend for a coffee (the one's who's son had major heart surgery 18 months ago). They're off to Malaysia in a couple of weeks - to stay with her husband for a couple of weeks. They go once a year and he comes over a few times a year. Not feasable for them to live out there due to all the drugs son now relies on.
It was really nice to see her.
Being doing wedding stuff with my friend then, which was a pleasant distraction.
Going to watch the Solar System programme that was on tele yesterday. We recorded it, and I'm going to watch it with my daughter...
Hi sparkling
You were very brave making an 8.30 appointment! I phoned the dentist last week for an appointment for son in the Easter holiday, I said late morning would be better, he got 11am, yey!
Glad you had some time with friends, and did you enjoy the video? Are the children back at school tomorrow?
Talk of Easter holidays reminds me that I need to book the children an appointment with the opticians.
I didn't realise that children get their eyes tested annually.
Oh, right, yes, my son has an annual check but I thought that was because his are particularly bad. Makes sense to have it once a year though when they are still growing and developing.
The Easter hols will be here before we know it!
Hi there
Sparklinglime - did you enjoy the solar system programme? Someone was just saying it was the best thing they have watched for a long time - interesting!
My daughter has only just started to get her eyes checked out. The optician is really patronising. My girl is a good girl and he is trying to be cool talking about drugs and annoying her parent. Very odd, all of this when I am in the room!
She doesn't say much to him, so I just put him straight on a few things and get out of there as soon as possible! I said something to the receptionist last time and apparently they had had someone else say something similar. I wonder if he will be there next time??
HMMMM, Anna, have you thought of changing your optician?
Aren't some people weird with young people? They are not aliens, they just want treating with respect.
I haven't considered changing opticians as the turn around there is pretty high, so I am hoping he will be gone next time. Also as I have complained about him, I am hoping if he is still around, he will behave differently, I will give it another chance! It was a good conversation topic for me and my daughter though!
Obviously he just stereo types young people, the poor things they have so much to contend with, let alone going through puberty, but society thinking they are all drug taking - ASBO contenders!
Don't blame you for making a complaint!
Dear sparklinglime
You have had so much going on recently. It really sounds as if you need a bit of time to just stop and take in what is going on.
The delayed reaction of the specialist visit is understandable and quite a lot to take in. Maybe there is a need for you to grieve over the things you used to do and then acceptance will settle in, you may find that paddling in the sea will still be manageable with perseverance and obstinacy! (Which I know you have bundles of!)
The OU accepting you to continue the course is good news - ignore their tone, you may be reading more into it and taking it personally. Its annoying that they didn't receive the GP letter, is it worth bringing it up with them again regarding the appeal?
Can you please give yourself a break sparklinglime, look after yourself as you do others?
You have had 2 birthdays to cater for, a ridiculous comment to seethe over (regarding the few precious hours that certain people can be with their children), a difficult doctors appointment, worrying over studying, a poorly neighbour, bolshy council members, oh my the list goes on and on!
IT IS NOW TIME FOR YOU - BE SELFISH.