mediation or stick to guns

charlie

My wife 'fell in love' with a work colleague (not that simple - what their relationship is I don't know), and left the family home 8 weeks ago leaving me as resident parent with 2 boys 5 and 9.

Our home is an old farmhouse in rural Cornwall where the children have loads of freedom, fields and nearby sea and are very much part of a small rural community a bit like a family in its own right.

My wife wants the property sold so that she can buy a normal house where she can have the children to stay and one will be bought where I can continue to live with the children (her idea). Our incomes are very low and I am told a court would say that the property should be sold if she insisted.

I have kept our home life going much as it was but without Mum. The children have not asked for Mum or become distressed that she's not here. I feel I could take a stick to guns attitude, try to protect the children's way of life and stay put for as long as possible as this seems to me to be in their interest especially as they are part of a community here. At the same time this means it is not so easy for them to be with their mother.

The alternative is to accept mediation. I have come across a group called 'Families Need Children' who have offered to mediate taking what they see as the children's welfare + contact with both parents as their priority. This would I think bring the whole situation back to the drawing board including selling the house and possibly even my role as resident parent. I am worried that if this did not work out it might make my present position weaker and even less secure than it already is.

Also I'm not sure my wife is thinking very straight or recognizing and taking responsibility for the full implications of this crisis. (Perhaps midlife crisis?)

Any thoughts please especially about my worries about mediation and has anyone had experience of 'Families Need Children' please? Charlie

Posted on: November 10, 2008 - 5:22pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Charile

It is certainly true that once ANYONE else becomes involved (even mediators) then you lose some modicum of control over your own situation. As you say, you may well run the risk of having your status questioned.

it seems like early days to be rushing into these decisions, don't feel too pressured. I am surpised you have been told that the house would definitely be sold. My experience of working with separated families tells me that a court will usually do its best to protect the childrens' current home, provided that the parent with majority care can afford to run it; this of course is another consideration! However, it is really important that the children do have a relationship with their mother. I have replied to you on the other thread acknowledging that the house is now your space but also mentioning it is possible to have her as a guest. Is there neutral territory where Mum could see the kids? A play pub? Swimming?

I hope someone with personal experience of mediaton will be able to add some comments

Louise

Posted on: November 11, 2008 - 1:26pm

ficurnow

Hi Charlie

In cases where the boot is on the other foot - ie the dad leaves and the mum is left in the family home with the children - it seems to me almost always the case that they are allowed to stay in the family home until the youngest child is 18 and only then should it be sold and apportioned. If you are the main carer then this should apply to your situation too - it's the children's stability that is most important. Good luck. Fi x

Posted on: November 15, 2008 - 12:36pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

That's right Fi, the court will usually look at the home of the children, whichever parent they live with

Louise :)

Posted on: November 19, 2008 - 2:19pm

sparklinglime

Hi Charlie

Have you had some legal advice? You could go to CAB who will be able to give you some advice, and hopefully be able to direct you to a family solicitor who may be able to help you with legal aid. But I do think you need to get legal advice. I do agree that you should be able to keep the family home, even if you do have to sell the home when your youngest has finished full-time education.

The reason I wasn't able to keep the family home was because of ex's debts.

Posted on: November 23, 2008 - 5:13pm

princess

Hi,

Sorry for not replying sooner, but been a little wrapped up in myself. Anyway, welcome to the site :)

First of all, you need to get legal advice, that way if you do decide to go for mediation, you will go fore-armed. Meaning that if your ex sits and says that she can force you to sell. You know that she can't ;)
If it is the marital home, you and your children have the right to live there until your kids leave full time education. But she doesn't have to pay the mortgage. You should get the house valued now, work out the equity, she is then only entitled to that share. When the house is sold in the future.
Courts are reluctant to make kids leave their home, its their stability and moving them could have an effect on their general well being ie school, friends etc.
I agree that all this is moving a bit quick, and she's maybe in the throws of the " honeymoon period" and we all know what thats like.
If I was you I would time waste a little. I did ;) Don't make any decisions about the house, try and give yourself a time scale, say maybe a year, where you know that your relationship with her is definitley over. then make the decision about you and the kids future.
Your home sounds beautiful, and the best place to bring the kids up. I feel like this about my home, and refused to budge.
Take care
J x

Posted on: November 26, 2008 - 10:30am

headfulloffog

I'm pleased to have found this because it seems to answer my question which regards the sale of the marital home- i too have been told it may need to be sold but i want to stay until my youngest is at least 16 and these posts would seem to suggest that this is a possibility.

would this however mean my ex had to keep his name on the mortgage to enable me to stay in the house or is that not an option??? obviously he would in that case still get his "cut" but a few years down the line rather than immediately, again is that an option??

Posted on: December 30, 2009 - 1:51am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello headfulloffog

There is no hard and fast rule and each case is treated individually. On the whole, the other parent would have their name taken off the mortgage and get their payout when the youngest child is 17 or if you marry or co-habit. One thing you need to think about is whether your own income would support the mortgage on paper, in other words whether the mortgage lender would be happy with you being the sole borrower. In my own case, I had to get a guarantee as so much of my income was Working tax Credit at that time, with limited earnings. Don't forget, though, that if the other parent gets a certain percentage of the equity in the property then if the property increases in value and the mortgage decreases then what may be worth £15k now may well be worth double that in a few years' time and at that stage you have to find a very large sum of money.

Posted on: December 30, 2009 - 9:13am