This is always a tricky situation.
It is perfectly understandable that you are questioning how right it is for your children to be around his new partner as he has only been with her for such a short space of time but things have moved rapidly for him and he feels ready to take on more responsibility.
sparklinglime is right, if the children are with him you have no say over what he does with them. It is our reponsibility to ensure our children are safe at all times, but we can not control the relationship between father and child, that is theirs to resume, cultivate and grow hopefully.
Our children often get hurt along the way and we can't always stop that from happening, but as long as we stay strong and firm and only make arrangements that we are happy with, stay in control and not be bullied into doing more than our fair share of their relationship, the children will soon get a sense of acceptable behaviour and what makes them happy.
Whether he listens/understands or not, keep telling him how important it is that they spend quality time with him and what it means to them. If he wants to see the children let him come and get them, let him arrange transport, tell him that if he is going to have an active part in their life, that you wish for him to help pay for them, either with an friendly agreement or through the CSA. So that he understands that they are not pawns in a chess game, but that they have needs and wants too.
sparklinglime has another good point about him making formal contact arrangements. Children need routine and stability and maybe for yourself too. If he decided that once a month he was going to collect them for the weekend it would put your mind at ease. It is always difficult at first, but as you may see from some other posts, (assuming that you feel your children are safe) that it can be a bonus in your life.
Best of Luck SmileyOne, keep smiling, you are looking out for your childrens best interests, which of course is one of the hardest jobs in the world.
After reading these posts let us know how you are doing. :)
Hi SmileyOne
I see that you have some concerns about your children's dad having some drug involvement. It is important that you try to get to the bottom of this as otherwise contact with him may not be the best thing for them, or it may need to be in a controlled environment such as a child contact centre.
I agree with you that a new partner should not be introduced into the situation too soon but as the others have said, it is something you have no choice about.
If you do decide that he is safe to have the children, then it is important to have a regular arrangement, especially if your children are younger and in that age group who will ask "how many sleeps till we see Daddy?" etc. I usually suggest that younger children can have a calendar and cross the days off, with a picture on the day they are seeing dad. But you can't do this if he isn't turning up regularly, it just makes it more hurtful for them. If you decide it is Ok for him to see them, I suggest you write him a letter explaining that you have taken expert advice and that you have been told it is vital that children have a routine re seeing their other parent. Ask him what he would suggest as his routine. Ask him if he would go to Family Mediation to sort out a firm agreement. Mediation is not always the best thing for everyone as it will tend to impose a rigid timetable but it sounds as if this is what you need now.
The issue of payment of maintenance is completely separate from the issue of parenting time. Even if he does not establish a contact pattern, state in the letter that you would like to come to an amicable agreement of maintenance payment within the next 28 days otherwise you will have to claim maintenance through the CSA. As a guide, they would normally look at a contribution of 20% of income for two kids and 25% for more than two.
I would echo what Anna has said, you are clearly wanting the best for your kids, don't beat yourself up, congratulate youself on being there for your kids. Keep telling them how much you love them and how you will always look after them (they might be scared you will go too) and that they are wonderful. And keep telling youself that too!
Louise :)
Let him take you Court. I always wanted my ex to take me to Court and he never has!
It might be an idea trying to see a family solicitor though (try and see one who is recommended) so you can put forward how you want things to be, and see what the solicitor advices. You would then have an idea of where you stand should he take things further.
Your children do need stability. Their father needs to get a job so that he can make an effort to see the children. I think what you've put to him is all reasonable too.
It took me about three years to start to accept things as they were with my ex, so I realise it is easy for me to say all this. It was exhausting trying to get him to stick to contact arrangements. He now gives me 24 hours notice of when he sees the children, and it works ok really. There's been a lot of anger on my part getting to this point. He just smiles sweetly - or weeps in front of the children telling them how unreasonable I am - causing them tremendous distress.
You do need to be aware though that the Court will see your concerns as 'hear say'. The chances are that he would be awarded contact every other weekend, and I should imagine that you could well be put in the position where you would at least need to share in the travelling arrangements as I've no doubt that he will be able to take the children to his home town.
Non-resident parents, in my view, do have the control over the parent with care. The kindest thing you can do is always be positive with your children about their father. If the parent with care is negative with the child/ren it can be considered to be emotional abuse. (I had a discussion about this with a senior social worker in a child abuse course I did with a housing association for vulnerable women. I was really shocked, and it has made me be doubly careful about saying anything negative within earshot of their father.)
None of this is easy. I'm hoping it stops when the youngest as 18...
Hello Smiley
it is a shame that this cannot be resolved amicably, for the children's sake. Going to court raises the level of conflict between you. However, if he is going to bring a court action then you have little choice. The court case is likely to adjourn very quickly and ask for Cafcass reports. These people are the court family officers who will talk to/work with both parents and also the children. If they recommend that he has parenting time, this will be very specific and fixed. You can find a family solicitor by going to http://www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/index.jsp and clicking on the "find an adviser in your area" on the left. You will have to check out the question of cost as legal aid is much more restricted these days. Most solicitors will offer you an initial 30-minute interview free of charge; do check this before making an appointment! You (or the court, or Cafcass) can suggest that you both go to mediation in order to calm things down.
Thanks for your comments, Sparkling Lime. I do have to say that my experience of working with separated families tells me that often the parent with majority care says that the non-resident parent has all the control in this situation, whereas the non-resident parent will think that control rests with the majority care parent. I guess that no-one is a winner in this situation, especially the kids and the most important thing we can do as parents (whether with residence or not) is to love our children and keep on reassuring them of that.
Louise :)
Hi Louise
Just the non-resident parent can stir and walk away. I think the sad part is that nothing can be done to keep the non-resident parent to stick to agreements.
Just my experience, of course. I do have a friend where things were amicable between her and her ex. I so wanted that for my lot.
Hi sparkling, yes I know you were mentioning on another thread about your experiences and it is true that although we may WANT our kids to have a good relationship with both aprents, we cannot force the other parent to engage....which can feel extra unfair as, in theory, the legal system can "force" the resident parent to co-operate with parenting time for the other parent. :?
Louise
It's sad, isn't it? Understandable too why normally calm people can get so worked up over it. I get calmer as time goes by! Oh, but for some sleep. Would be lovely to be able to go to bed at 8pm sometimes! :lol: and someone else to get the children's teeth brushed and get them to bed (quietly...)
I'm glad you're feeling gradually calmer. Parenting alone is a very hard job, no wonder we are often so tired. At least if you can't go to bed at 8, you might be able to sneak off at 9 or as soon as they are in bed if they are younger ;) .....the development into teens is yet another challenge, when they want to stay up longer than you. :roll: (yawn)
Hi
Other than saying he wants to see the children, has he put forward any form of contact arrangement he would like? How does he propose seeing them - will he be coming to your area at his cost? He is the one who moved away...
You can say that you don't want the g/f involved - but this can be difficult when the children are with him - in theory he can do what he wants so long as he's not putting the children in danger.
If he's put no effort into seeing them before this, there could be a good chance that he won't now. On the other hand, it could be the g/f who thinks its important he sees the children?
I'm not very comforting here, am I, sorry.
How old are your children?