I'm new .... And a bit fed up
Hi - I'm new to this site - stumbled upon it when trying to find where I can get support regarding my ex's behaviour. Hoping that someone can help. I have been a single mum for 2 years and my ex has made life very difficult. I work all the hours I can to support myself and my son but still cannot make ends meet. Due to the way my ex behaves I had to go to the csa 2 weeks ago to try to get him to contribute financially. When the csa contacted him he went totally mental. He had our son with him at the time and shouted and swore and called me some fairly vile names - all in front of my 7 year old. When my son came home he was very upset and asked me if I could give him some medicine to stop him being stressed. I just don't know where to turn. I spoke to my ex about how his behaviour had affected our son and he simply said Kids see a lot worse than that. I'm worried about what he will do. Can someone please give me advice. Thanks
Hi Bluefish
All I can do is offer you a virtual hug.
You are right in going to the CSA. Yur son's father certainly shouldn't be taking this out on your son. After all he should be wanting to be a responsible and supportive father.
If you fear for your son's safety, then contact needs to be withdrawn.
Does your son enjoy being with his dad or is each visit stressful?
Do keep a record of all that goes on with your ex. It may show a pattern in in behaviour.
Best wishes
Dear Bluefish
Welcome....your ex's behaviour is totally unacceptable, as Louise says, children do see a lot worse, but they also deserve a lot better. How he behaved was uncalled for. He may have been angry, but that does not give him any reason/excuse to abuse you.
You say that your ex has made your life very difficult since you split it, has it been a continuation from the relationship or did it start afterwards?
I agree with Louise that it is important for a child to have the chance to have a relationship with both parents, but only if it is not detrimental to the child, physcologically, physically or mentally.
Have you worried for your son's wellbeing on previous occassions or is your ex's anger always aimed at you and usually kept out of your son's radar?
Your poor boy was probably so anxious hearing his Dad lose the plot and it being directed at you and we don't know what was said to him before or after the phonecall.
How old is your son? What did you say to him? Has he said anything further?
What do you want from all of this??
Hi everyone - thanks for your comments. It was a difficult relationship which lasted 13 years but really should have ended after 2 years. My ex is a very self centred person who only sees how things affect him rather than the understanding that other people are hurt by his actions. My son loves his dad but doesn't like to spend too much time with him as he gets bored when he's there. He has the chance of spending a week with him at Easter but he has told me that he only wants to spend a couple of days with his dad. This is another situation which will cause problems as I will get the blame for it. I have thought about going to a solicitor but just don't really know where to start. The last thing I want to do is cause more tension which will in turn have a damaging effect on my son. I just feel trapped and feel that I have no control over the situation. I know my ex loves our son but I don't think he really knows what love means. If he did then surely he wouldn't behave the way he does. I really appreciate all the positive comments. Thank you. X
Hi bluefish
Its funny how in retrospect how many people say that their relationship should have ended a lot earlier, I think we just keep hoping/believing things will get better.
You say that your son isn't interested in going for a whole week with his dad. I am unsure how old your son is, but is it possible for him to tell him?
When I had to change a contact date with my daughters father, he didn't take it very well and we ended up in court etc etc, it wasn't fun, but it was the best thing to have happened. We had been heading that way for a long time, but I didn't have the courage to proceed.
If you go to a solicitor you are often entitled to half and hour initial advice, you could discuss your concerns, they will be able to tell you what your options would be. You do not need to take anything any further at this stage. But you may well feel more empowered, by knowing what your rights and your son's rights are.
Going through the Courts may well be stressful and likely to cause more tension, but it will show that you are standing for no more messing about, it would show your ex and also your son that you are taking control of the situation. It may be difficult for your son too, but please Bluefish, don't shy away from it because in the long run, it may well have a positive outcome.
I wonder if you have been in contact with any womens groups? As it sounds as though your ex has been abusive, maybe not violent, but mentally or psychologically, you would get a great deal of support from Womens Aid or another local womens group who deal with these issues, not only for building your confidence, but advice and support about going through Court. Would you consider contacting an agency like this?
Hi anna - you are absolutely right about the retrospective look at the relationship - had one of my friends been in a relationship like mine I would have advised her to get out of it. But you often don't see what is closest to you. My son is only 7 - but he is a very mature and sensitive child. When we broke up my ex made me tell our son about it and would not back me up. I explained to our son that mummy and daddy were finding it difficult to be friends living in the same house. And that the best thing for us all would be that we live in 2 different houses and that we would get to spend time with both of us and that we both still loved him. He just accepted it and my ex said to me that he obviously didn't understand it. I spoke with my son when we were on our own and said to him that it would be different when we were living in two different houses. He said 'I like things when they are different. When it's just you and me it's comfortable but when it's the three of us it's heavy'. Bearing in mind he was just 5 at the time - it shows how much children really do pick up and understand. He is confident enough to tell people when he wants to change things. He used to see his dad every weekend but asked to change it to every other weekend. He also told his dad that he didn't want to go on holiday with him this year. I do worry about what goes on when he sees his dad. I have had huge arguments with my ex when I found out that he had left my son on his own in his flat to go to the chip shop accross the road. He couldn't see why I had a problem with it. I am dreading the pick up tomorrow as I have just received a letter from the csa advising that she should be paying almost 3 times what he has been giving me to support our son. I know he will be angry and just have no idea how he will be. I just want a stress free life for my son and for him to have a stable and loving relationship with both his parents - the problem is that I just don't know how to achieve this.
Hello again Bluefish
The sad thing is that we cannot "make" someone else behave the way we think they should. You have to just wait and see how your boy's dad behaves this time and as I have said, if there is any danger or distress to your son, then withdraw contact and say to his dad that you both need to go to mediation to sort this out.
It would be up to him to take you to court to sort this out if he will not go to mediation. As for the CSA, the amount they are telling him to pay is exactly the same percentage as they are telling parents without residence throughout the country.
I really feel for you as I know you are trying to do the best for your boy.
Well - last Saturday's pick up wasn't as bad as expected thank goodness. Just some sarcastic comments which I totally ignored.
However - my son has now told me that his dad won't let him talk about me when he's with him, he's also told him that he can never take him on holiday again because he has to pay me loads of money and he's also told him not to tell me what his dad does or says otherwise I will stop him seeing him.
I just don't understand how or why he feels that this kind of behaviour is acceptable.
The stupid thing is that I would never have contemplated stopping him seeing his dad - but now I feel I'm being pushed that way just to protect my son.
I have tried talking to him but all I get is verbal abuse and I just can't handle the stress of that anymore.
I would suggest a mediator but I know what the reaction would be.
What else can I do to protect my son?
I think one thing you can do is talk with your son. Reassure him that nothing is his fault and that he is not to worry about what his dad says. Tell him that dad does give you some money but both of you are not well off now, and the main thing is that you love him very much.
All that matters is that your son feels secure, not the things his father says to him, to try and hurt you (unforgiveable, to do this to a child). Try not to retailiate by doing the same thing (I have been there, believe me, and the temptation is almost unbearable)
If it continues/escalates then you can go to a solicitor and send a letter saying you are not facilitating his parenting time until his behaviour changes. Expect a fight though! There isn't a "good" answer to these questions, Bluefish.
it is impossible, I'm sure, to stop the NRP running down the parent with care. The Git did it often with my lot.
All I could do was wait for them to tell me what was wrong and then try and work it through with them.
It's not really a reason for witholding contact, however much easier it would be.
My ex put a lot of pressure on the children when he got into debt again (lost the family home which had to be sold to pay off his debts). He too would moan about maintenance, but I was honest in my reply and as money was collected via the CSA I told the children the law said how much he had to pay - that way the blame was taken away from us. I also told him that as their father he still needed to make sure they had all they needed.
It all has to be done so carefully. Being in conflict with the other parent can be seen as abuse (I was told this on child abuse course I went to when volunteering with a housing association).
I always hoped it would stop, but I'm six years down the road and still things happen, sadly.
I'll never get my head around the fact that both parents don't always feel able to put their child/ren first.
Hi Bluefish, it sounds as though you have been through so much, every time, trying to appease your ex rather than having the space to think about what you really want or think is right.
It sounds as though your son is already seeing through your ex and it is great that he was aware that homelife was going to be much better for him if his dad did not live there.
Your son obviously feels a sense of loyalty towards his dad, so it must be hard for him to want to change contact from weekly to fortnightly, but it is good that you have been able to facilitate this for him.
sparklinglime mentions that the ex bad-mouthing the resident parent is not reason enough to withold contact. I would like to be devils advocate here and suggest that every situation is different and we can only judge the seriousness of our own situation ourselves.
My daughters father sent her to the chip shop on her own, to cross the road etc in a rough part of London, at 7pm in the winter when she was only 5. I was appalled, he said she could handle herself??? He seemed to think that she could stop cars and avoid being accosted at the tender age of 5....very odd....of course this on its own is not reason enough to condemn him to being an irresponsible parent, however, I wrote down every incident like this over the years and realised that however much I wanted her to know her dad, the way he was (or wasn't) looking after her was not acceptable by my standards. I spent years doing what he wanted, what he thought was best, but then I grew more confident and realised I wanted better for my girl.
It was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make, I didn't want to be seen as the bad guy, but as he took me to Court, I then decided to say that I wanted NO further contact in the best interests of my child, mentally and phsycologically.
I was told he would get contact regardless, however he dropped the whole case as he wouldn't admit to something that he was found guilty of previously and CAFCASS told me that he was irresponsible, like I didn't know that!!
Bluefish, get as much support as you can, talk to local womens centres, talk to a solicitor, like I said earlier, it doesn't mean action at this point, but it does mean empowerment for you.
You said at the end of your last post....'How do I protect my son' only you know the answer to that. How much protection do you think he needs?
WOW - thats long, sorry!!
Hello Bluefish
Firstly, welcome and it is nice to see you, hope you stick with us and find some ongoing support and online friendship.
Your son's dad may well be correct: kids do see far worse but that doesn't make it right. Any conflict between parents is very difficult for a child and the way his father behaved is not acceptable. You had every right to go to the CSA if you were not getting any financial help with your son's upbringing.
You now seem to be scared of what he will do next. What is it that you fear?
Was this a one-off? if so then you could just see what happens next. It may have been a gut reaction to the CSA letter. If it happens again ( or if it has already happened more than once) then you need to take some action. I would suggest you consider seeing a solicitor (find one at www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk). They may think that a formal letter is in order stating that abuse about you is unacceptable in front of your son and that if it continues, you will have to stop contact. Does this sound very harsh? I believe strongly that a child has the right to a relationship with both parents but both have to overcome their negative feelings towards each other so that the child is not adversely affected.
Other people will also be along soon to give you the benefit of their experience