Hi i'm a dad and need advice please!
Sorry, I edited that probably while you were reading it.
I'm sorry you're facing this, I really am.
With me I had my ex around for the first two years. I didn't see why he should miss out on the children's joy. He was welcome from 6am...
But it's been "ok" for me as my ex has never wanted to have the children for Christmas.
It must be horrid when they go back. I know how quiet it was when my lot would go to their dad (he chooses not to see very much of them, which makes me sad).
Most of the time I think I am doing ok, then I have blips! I'm having a blip at the mo. My eldest is 18 next week. I've lost my parents and my best friend, and you have this situation where you can't really share the joy with anyone!
I left my ex.
He chose a new path in life, and I was told I had to deal with it :D I did try. I chose to divorce. He then told me of the debts he had and house and my car (that I worked darned hard to pay for :shock: ) had to be sold.
But it is at that point you realise that it is only money...
I still have moments when I feel guilty, yet I can read through things and realise that at the end of the day I had no choice.
Generally, I have no regrets. The children seem to be pretty happy, and we pack in as much laughter into the day as we can.
But you're right, in that I can't appreciate what you're experiencing, but I can understand how sad and difficult it all is.
I am five plus years down the line though. It does take a very long time to adjust though, I think. My divorce came through on my 20th wedding anniverary.
How does your partner feel about you feeling guilty?
I've found - and believe me it took years with some parts! - that accepting how I feel about things have actually made me be kinder to myself, if that makes any sense.
I think rather than feel guilty about something, I accepted that I felt sad about it. It was like feeling sad about it was kinder than feeling guilty about it. If you get my drift (I'm infamous for rambling!).
The first time I felt this was after my dad died. The pressure people put on you to stop being sad about missing someone after an x period of time just made me feel worse.
Accepting I'll miss him forever took that guilt away. I've used it a lot since. It helps - doesn't take it all away, but I just found it kinder.
Ah yes, walls. I've been very good at building those over the years.
I know I've said it before, but it is such early days, the pain is going to be red raw for you.
Best wishes.
I hope the board can help you, even if it is just a little...
Good morning Martin, it is great to have you here.
I know what you mean, especially about the special times in the boys' lives, such as Christmas. Part of what you are feeling is grief, a loss of what you thought your life would be like, I guess many of us had these visions of happy ever after :( I am so glad your new partner is fine with the boys;sounds like the thing she struggles with is how you feel about the whole thing and how you retreat after they have gone. Maybe you could explain to her that you need the rest of the day to deal with your feelings and it is nothing against her, it is part of the grieving process. Many parents can feel guilty for the separation happening but really the main thing is that the boys are happy and you sound like a great dad, Martin. If you find your feelings are really diffcult it might help to have a few sessions with a counsellor, you can access this through your GP or go to Relate (they offer individual sessions as well as couple counselling). You may also find this website helpful:http://dads-uk.co.uk/main/news.php
Keep posting and we will keep chatting with you and supporting you :D
Hi Martin and welcome
Tough place to be in, my brother is in a similar position to you and as everyone has already said, this is your greiving process. Life didn't turn out as planned and now you have to readjust to the new. It's great that your current partner is accepting of the children, it must be tough on her to see you so caught up in your emotions for them as (very obviously) your love for them is very strong, she might be striving for that love one day. However, you are the important person here, you can't keep everyone happy. I think Louise's suggestion of having a couple of hours to yourself after seeing the boys. This gives your brain time to digest and deal with the situation and then you are fresh sparkly Martin for girlfriend again!
I thinkit is a great idea to get some sort of courselling, it nearly always helps, just to think a little clearer, they are not going to tell you anything, you will find the anwsers for yourself.
I think it is understandable that your ex hasn't taken on board your new partner, you haven't been split up all that long. She might not see it as a serious thing, or just might not want to acknowledge it. It is fantastic she is ok about you seeing the boys. I wonder if she met someone else whether it would make your feelings of guilt lessen?
Hello Martin
You're right, support is sporadic, not so much for dads but for the parent who doesn't have the main day to day care (which is often dads). Did you have a look at the dads uk website I suggested?
Glad you went to see your GP, and the counselling will help, no-one will give you advice, it is just a chance to talk through your feelings.
There's good support here, too :D as you go through the rollercoaster
Hi Martin, it is great to see that you are being proactive and working towards everyone feeling better.
Support for Dads is thin on the ground, have a look at this from Dad Info:
http://www.dad.info/separation/troubleshooting/emotional-support/
Dads Space have come up with a great idea for keeping contact with the children, even if you see them regularly this might be quite fun for them while growing up:
https://www.dads-space.org/login.aspx
Also I wonder if these pages will be of some support? http://www.dads-space.com/Breakingupishardtodo
Also DadTalk has a great forum for all aspects of being a father:http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/forum/index.php?sid=e35e7e963af26040e16599d821565dc3
I hope you find one of these links helpful, interesting or useful, please let us know what you think, which site is your favourite and why!!
Glad you're finding this site useful, Martin :) As you say, one day at a time...
Hi Martin
It is great to hear that you are finding this site, not only easy to navigate but of some use too!!
We are here to support you, so please feel free to ask anything or just off load. You mentioned that you were able to start counselling, when is that due to start?
Hi Martin, it is tough that she is away, but I think that it could be really beneficial for both of you. Hopefully it will make it clearer why you are together.
Good luck today, I have just written another post to you about remembering a warm jumper when you go to counselling!
I bet the house feels strange, get some music on!
Keep in touch
Well done Martin, the first one is the hardest, in some seneses you can feel "worse" for a short while whne you start counselling but that is because you are uncovering feelings that may be uncomfortable, but by working through those you can reach some sort of resolution :D
music can help so much.
Music, music, music, older than language I read some place, my kids are always singing.. here is a site just full of internet radio stations you just type in a genre... Shoutcast
It's really good that you're feeling you're making progress. I think its good, in a way, looking back and being able to see how far you have come. Even baby steps is moving forward.
I do hope you have a smashing weekend ahead.
Hi Martin
I agree with sparkling lime, even a little progress is still progress. It really will be hard to be patient while you resolve these issues and it won't happen overnight but you have jumped the biggest hurdle already, that of facing up to things (many people don't do this).
Hope you enjoy some time with your partner at the weekend, and stay positive :D
Yes that's right, it will not happen overnight. It would be great if the boys could see you getting Christmas ready or maybe they could decorate the tree themselves the next time they come?
I'm sure the children will love to do that Martin. I think doing these things together is so lovely to hold on to the memories. Been sorting out fairy lights today. My son with special needs insisted on doing them NOW. I have to do them with him to make sure they are safe, as he gets muddled up with which are outdoor and which is indoor. And it was raining. :roll:
I really do hope you feel that you do cover some ground with your partner this weekend, so you feel a bit more positive.
My very best wishes
Hi Martin
Welcome to One Space. I have been off line for a few weeks, so just catching up on missed posts. You sound very strong, and doing really well under difficult circumstances. I hope you enjoy this weekend.
I look forward to chatting
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Martin
Two steps forward - one step back. You will probably go through heaps of emotions over the next few weeks and probably find that at times, life ahead seems clear and simple and then other days it all gets complicated!
It sounds as though you know your priorities and are learning to believe in yourself, so that you can stick to them without feeling guilt.
The loneliness will be hard, I think we can all recognise that one! But you may surprise yourself and find that you get busy doing things you never thought imaginable! Have you ever played badminton??
Do you have work colleagues that you could get together outside of work? Perhaps you could arrange a Football session? (if you like football that is?? :? )
Oh do get the boys involved in decorating your place, they will love it, it will create memories and they will feel good helping you!
How did the weekend go with your partner, you mentioned very little??
Hi Martin
I hope you have a fantastic weekend with the boys. They will love the idea of two Christmas's. I'm glad you and your partner are working things through. Just takes time to adjust I guess.
Take care and have fun putting the tree up.
Alison
x :)
Hi Martin
Glad to hear you're feeling better lately. Are your partners parents not in favour of you because you come with 'baggage' so to speak? Whatever their reasons, try not to let it affect your relationship. Years ago, I was in a relationship with a man who had two young children. My Mum in particular didn't like it, and was very anti us. My father on the other hand let it drift on, without saying too much. It did cause some upset, but eventually, we did split, but not because of the parents or anything.
Do you pick the kids up today, or is it tomorrow til Sunday? You've probably already posted about the christmas access, but when do you get to see them over the hols?
Whenever it is, I'm sure it will be great.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Martin
I'm glad things are feeling more positive for you.
I'm sure you'll have a brilliant festive time!
:)
Hi Martin
Glad you're having a good weekend, and glad you enjoyed the play.
Your focus is a good one :)
Hi Martin
I hope you are ok after dropping the kids back.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Martin
The people here are really supportive and have had different experiences.
I think the love we have for our children could well be difficult for some to understand.
Please do keep posting, and if we can help, we will. Sometimes though just 'chatting' with someone who has an inkling of what you're experiencing can help.
How often do you see your children, and do they live near by?
One thing I have found over the years (I've been on my own for over five and a half years) is that children love to have two birthdays, two Christmas' etc... I know that's of little comfort as things stand, but you can give you children a brilliant and exciting day even though it may not be on 25 December.
I've missed their birthdays when their father had them to stay, but it is a part of life when you're not together. The children, however, do truly love it.
I do feel its a case of being really positive with children about it, however much you're crying inside.
I know it doesn't help, as it is early days for you still.
I'm sorry that I can't offer any advice for your relationship. The one I did have failed (although he is a dear friend now) through pressure put on life by my ex, and because the children needed to be my priority (he has no children).
My very best wishes.