" I'm a good person with high moral values, I'm intelligent, caring a good mother "
It's good to know that you are positive about you francesca. I'm sorry your family feels the need to be ashamed of the situation. I find that very sad.
Keep posting on here and hopefull we can offer you some support. You not to blame here. Depression cannot be used against you should he decided to be difficult about things with the children.
I was not good enough for my ex husband either, nor were my children it would seem...
It is early days, so don't be too hard on yourself. Please do try to focus your energy on your children and on your home. You have a new family unit now - but you are a family. Your children will help you breath and will get your through this. Baby steps.
As the headmaster of my childrens school said to me, my ex had choices, and he took them. I was left in a situation where I had no choices. Five years down the line (almost) for me, and I would never ever dream of going back.
Hello Francesca
How are you feeling this morning? I see that sparkling lime has been able to give you some great support during this horrible time for you.
Your feelings are all completely normal and completely understandable. it makes it even harder when there are kids, though, doesn't it? as you want to keep things as steady for them as possible, and yet your faith in the universe has been completely shattered. If it would help you work through these feelings, I can recommend a book "Putting Children First" by Karen and Nick Woodall, avaialble from Amazon or play.com. It has a lengthy and excellent section on the end of a realtionship and how to recover.
How long is the waiting list for counselling? If it is substantial, maybe you could think about going to Relate instead. they are relationship counsellors and can help you at the end of a relationship as well, you do have to pay a small contribution but this is only related to your income. It would be great if you could find other local support too. If you tell me which area you are in, I can have a dig around for you. There may be a Home Start in your area, where a volunteer gives you some support. Above all, don't be alone with your feelings. Remember also The Samaritans are available to talk to 24 hours a day. I have phoned them myself at different problem times in my life and it has always been a fantastic comfort to be able to talk things over, especially in the lonely middle of the night. The number is 08457 909090 or see http://www.samaritans.org/ for details of their branches.
All good wishes
Louise :)
Hi Francesca, the birthday must have been very hard for you and also your daughter, especially contrasting it with last year. What a good idea saying she can choose another birthday! Just remember when she is distressed, although you feel like running away, it is then that she needs you most, to be strong and calm and to be the one reliable thing in her changing world. A close friend of mine was in exactly the same situation as you some years ago and I remember her saying to me that she would have found it easier to deal with her husband's death than him leaving her. If you had been unhappy in your relationship then you may have felt glad to move on but I know you weren't unhappy, so that makes it even tougher. I am glad you have got the book; I agree that it is recommending co-operative parenting-I just felt that the section that would help you most at the moment is the first part.
I have been looking around and have found a counselling service in Leeds that may be helpful. Look at the website http://www.womenstherapyleeds.org.uk/index.html and you can phone them or complete an email form. They just ask for a donation if you feel able to give one.
Take care
Louise ;)
Dear Francesca, you are going through such a painful time at the moment, I am so glad Louise has found some support in your area. I hope you find it useful
Have a look in the Advice Finder on the homepage http://advicefinder.onespace.org.uk/ there are all sorts of other support agencies in your area, if you find any particularly useful, come back and let us know so others know what to look for.
How are you feeling today? There are going to be a lot of emotional times at the moment, keep believing in yourself and your children, you sound so very proud of them and remember YOU MADE THEM!! :) THEY ARE GORGEOUS BECAUSE OF YOU!
The Samaritans are an excellent idea, as Louise says they are on the end of the phone 24 hours and will talk for as long as you need, I too have found them supportive in the middle of the night when reality seems so much scarier.
You can get through this and you will, nearly everyone on this site has been there, it is a painful period. Have a read of what other people have said, it might give you some hope for the future.
Keep in touch xx
Way to go, Francesca! Glad you have found it of some help ;)
Hi Francesca
I hope your daughter is feeling better.
I tend to have a party on the Friday when there's a school holiday. The children look forward to it - and so do I. We're going to watch Shark Tale and have homemade popcorn later on.
Well done for not running away. I know how it feels - it's something I want to do often, and I've been on my own now for a few years! It's only a blip though, and don't be hard on you, it really is such early days still. You say you can't be sure who your are anymore - you are still you. Focus on the good bits - you know you're a fantastic mum.
I hope you manage to have lots of happy bits in the half-term.
I do find the first year of things so difficult, as you know that "this time last year..." can be so painful.
I find February half term so difficult as two of my children have birthdays, so I have to consider ex in things. It's a shame as it does dampen the holiday - and I know I get stroppy.
You really are doing brilliantly.
Hi Francesca
spaklinglime is absolutely right, you are doing a brilliant job.
Remember to take time out for yourself, other relatives don't understand how we can still be upset when someone has hurt us, they don't want to see you upset, they probably find it frustrating as they have no way of fixing anything for you.
Remember this is a time of grieving for you and for your children, loss of someone you thought you knew and trusted and loss of the future you believed in.
It is fine to cry and be sad, you should be, you have been through a very emotional time, just keep remembering to stop and notice good thing too.
Have you got plans for half term? Have you looked in our Info Library - Family Fun, on the homepage, we have some great ideas for when the kids are home over the hols. Have some fun with them :)
francesca, you are not a failure.
He made choices and you are dealing with the consequences.
I'm so glad you enjoyed the party. In time you won't even think about who's with who or on their own. Even when I was married, my ex never came anywhere with us - which I'm sure is what has made things easier for me. My youngest was 5 when we split up, and I know he did feel it.
That's where I'm horrid as my children do know that dad chose a new life... I do, and have always told them that he loves them.
Your children sound wonderful!
You are certainly NOT a failure! How wonderful that you gave your daughter that lovely party, I bet you made it very special for her. It is unusual for there to be so many children and there NOT to be other lone parent families present. I feel sure there will be other families at her school in the same situation. I wonder if you could have a chat with the headteacher and ask if you could be put in contact with another family in the school whose parents live apart? Maybe if your daughter could speak to another child who has been through it, it might not seem so unusual to her.
You cannot control her dad's behaviour, all you can do is to be a good mum to her and show her that there is stability in her life at home with you. And don't get too tired -easier said than done when there's only you to do all the jobs!
Take care
Louise :)
Hooray and well done for throwing a party, that was very brave to have so many youngsters all under one roof! Maybe there is a career for you there somewhere!
You know we often see couples with children but it is highly probable that they are not all married or fathers to all the children in that family, and a lesson that I learned when my daughter was younger was that even though all the women that I met in the school playground seemed to have it all, nice house, nice car, nice clothes, great holidays, loving husbands etc, etc, etc, it wsan't all as rosy behind closed doors. One evening after a school fete, when everyone had had a few Pimms, the realities started to come out, husbands were having affairs, were controlled by their mothers, didn't come home til 10.30pm, never played with the children etc etc. So Francesca please remember - ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD!!
Did you know that in this country one in four families is now headed by a single parent, and we are bringing up over three million children! :o
Hi Francesca
What a shock to get that letter! As if you didn't have enough to deal with :( On the positive side it's great that the cells have been found now and can be dealt with. I guess it is when horrid and shocking things happen that we truly feel alone.That's probably adding to your sadness and feeling that you have been "thrown away". I understand that you don't want to involve anyone else in it all but I would just reiterate something I said a while ago: don't forget the Samaritans are only a phone call away, day or night, if you need to talk. I have used them myself at various times in my life and they were so helpful and kind.
Take care
Louise
Hi Francesca
Sending loads of hugs your way. I can imagine the shock you've had receiving that letter.
Do take care, and be kind to you.
Dear Francesca
I hear your sadness :cry:
In answer to your question
So, is this what every woman in this site had to go trhough? Is this what I'm to expect from now?
in a short answer YES. I think most parents with full time care would agree with me here.
It is a traumatic, emotional and very painful time especially at the beginning, but soon enough you become hard to it. You begin to grow within yourself and know what you will accept and what you won't.
If I were you I would make a written record of every arrangement that has been broken, all conversations you have had regarding visiting, all the dates you volunteered. It might not be of any use in child contact arrangement in Court but it really helps you see that you are being reasonable and trying to do the best for your children.
It seems to me that it's a bit like a re-birth process that people go through as they gradually develop strengths they never knew existed....but one step at a time, Francesca ;)
Just to add to what Anna has said, if your childrens' father does decide to take court action, it is important to get legal advice. If you are on Income Support then you will get Legal Aid. Go to http://www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/index.jsp and put your postcode in the "find an adviser" section on the left hand side. Most solicitors will give the first 30 minute appointment free of charge but do check this. I think the point to get across is that the children need to stick to their routine and you would like him to demonstrate his commitment as a parent by forgoing his football practice when he gets the chance to spend time with them.
Take care
Louise :)
Sorry, but this is how it's been for me. You do get used to it in time though.
As has been said:
Keep a record of everything said
Print off the emails
Get a cable for your mobile phone so you can down load text messages onto your computer
Get him to confirm contact times in an email. If he says he'll pick them up at 5pm, reply with 'if you're not here by 5.15pm, or text me with a reason for delay, I won't be here'.
I'm sorry a hundred times over to all those non-resident parents who are fantasic, wonderful and who prioritise their children (they do exist, they just have no reason to post on forums!)...
I do feel that because some non-resident parents choose to see so little of their children, then when they actually do say they'll see them that the parent with care is expected to jump to the height stated. To me, it is bullying, as they know that the parent with care will do what they can to keep a relationship going. It doesn't mean though that we allow ourselves to be walked over (which, by the way, I was for over four years, and when I stand up to him I still get very worked up and worried).
Do get some legal advice about this too. My ex-husband became very threatening when my daughter was refusing to go to see him. She was 12 at the time. I had fantastic advice from a family solicitor, and her father had to accept her choice. It was a horrid time though, there's no point me pretending it wasn't.
Sorry Francesca.
In my opinion, you did the right thing in not waiting any longer. I do hope that your in-laws will support you with trying to establish a regular contact pattern.
My very best wishes
I'm glad your mother-in-law is coming with you.
I'll be thinking about you on Monday.
If I didn't take the children to see their grandparents (and when we first split I offered to drop the children off, but the insisted I stay too, as I always did) they wouldn't see the children at all. Ex never takes them there. And the grandparents are so important to our children.
My ex will only communicate via text.
I keep a diary, and last year he saw the children a total of 60.5 hours!
So far this year he's seen them a total of 6.5 hours.
No wonder I'm tired! :lol:
Take care Francesca
:roll: just having a little yawn and stretch here on behalf of sparkling lime......
Francesca that's great that you have got your appointment so quickly and I know you didn't want to involve anyone else but it is fab that you have got that much-needed support from the inlaws and you know there are no childcare problems so you can concentrate on YOU. Wishing you all the best for your appointment and let us know how you get on
Louise :)
Hello,
I don't know your situation or anything but having read a couple of your posts... I can relate to some things.
From my own experience, if your X partner is getting difficult or pushing you were you don't want to go, don't do anything or promise to do anything or say you are going to do anything until you have seen a solicitor.
If your X partner becomes threatening ask them to go, get in your house and lock the door, if they don't go call the police. If there is nothing set down in court and you live in your house with the children then you are in control, even if he does have a court order defining contact, if he becomes threatening, close the door and call the police. if you call the police they will come and remove him, if you say you are alone with your children they will come very quickly. my wife was once stomping about threatening all sorts of nasty things, I called the police and they were there within five minuets in body armour and took her away, end of problem.
You don't have to feel intimidated, if you do ask him to leave, ask him to come back when he's feeling in a nicer mood.
But he cant come into your house and take things unless you want him to or there is a court order, anything purchased during your relationship, if you haven't come to an amicable agreement over has to be settled by court, that's as far as I know anyway, but then I'm not a solicitor. I didn't have that problem as when my family fell apart I left everything except what I could get in a car, me the kids some clothes and toys and one computer : )
Basically if its not 100% amicable between you, get legal advice and don't do anything until you do.. and don't let him bully you or emotionally play with you to do what you don't want to do because you don't have to. My wife tried everything to get what she wanted, from I love you to I'm going to kill you, I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to kill the children, I'm going to kill you, your family and everyone you know.
She didn't of course do any of it.
take care.
Hi,
It's been a long time but I have been recovering.
They had to perform a LLETZ, they removed the precancer cells and I'm now waiting for the rest of the biopsy. I'm trying not to think much, but I have post operation complications and I'm not feeling to well.
My husband is now becoming very threatening. Today when he came to collect the children (after 7 weeks!) I had to ask him to leave the property (I was outside with the kids and had locked the house) as he had sent an e-mail stating he was going to remove property from our house. He was threatening and verbally abusive even I had a chaperone with me.
I'm concerned that he still has a carseat for up to 15kg in his car and my son is over 19kg, so apart from illegal is putting his life at risk.
Tonight he has sended me an e-mail demanding our TV and a suitcase we dont have. I said he can have the TV once I have organise for a suitable one (i said it will take me about a week at the most) he is saying he is going to buy new ones and will discount it from the children's maintenance.
He is also accusing me of threatening to call the police because he came to collect the children on an arranged date and time!
I'm quite distressed! I have arranged an appoitment to see a solicitor next wednesday.
Francesca
Hi Francesca
Glad to learn you're recovering from the surgery, but sorry you're not feeling brilliant.
How dare he say he's taking the money from the child maintenance. I'm glad you're seeing your solicitor on Wednesday. Perhaps communications needs to be via Solicitors if he is being unreasonable. Cost becomes an issue then, I know.
Keep a record of everything Francesca. I'm sorry he's become so threatening.
Just to endorse what the others have said, Francesca- it's great that you will be getting some legal advice and maybe you will be recommended to take out a court order against him.
Sorry to thear that you are not feeling too well after your op, it is important to get well so do try and rest as much as you can.
Louise :)
It's understandable that you're feeling angry.
I do hope the Solicitor is helpful on Wednesday.
It's "funny" how these people that we once thought we couldn't live without turn into strangers.
Thinking of you Francesca.
Francesca, love, I felt a lot like that when I was with my abusive ex. I felt quite sucidal with bad postnatal depression and it was only the thought of what that would do to my girls that kept me on this planet. And boy am I glad it did! Please, please, please believe me when I say the old happy you has NOT disappeared for ever. You are going through a dark time at the moment but honestly you will get through it. Handing over your children to your ex in the early days is horrible - I felt like a limb had been ripped off me when it happened - but it's another thing that time honestly does help.
I had a lovely counsellor under the NHS at one point (in fact she was a mental health social worker) I know they can be a bit hit and miss but ask your GP to put you on the waiting list for one. Also, don't discount things like Prozac. It didn't work for me personally but I've known people who do swear by it and maybe you could do with a bit of a crutch to lean on right now.
Value yourself. PLEASE!! Do something for yourself - maybe a college course or something (there will be creches etc and as a single parent you should get lots of help with fees). I did a one year college course while in the process of my divorce and it really was the thing that turned my life around.
We're all here for you and we do understand.
Lots of love, Fi xx