What happens when the other parent comes to collect the kids from you? Are they welcome to come in for a cuppa or do you make them stand at the corner of the street because you can't bear to see their face? Does the other parent think its Ok to have their new partner in the car with them as they pull up outside your home? And how do the kids feel?
Hi Gamma
That's good that you have a decent relationship with the other parent. I do hear of separated couples who remain actively friendly with their ex-partner and even the new partner gets involved but I guess those situations are few and far between, especially when emotions are running high.
Best wishes
Louise
Yes that may well be a problem, needs a lot of diplomacy. I guess the main thing is that the kids don't see any conflict and it is all about how to manage the situation
Hi Charlie and welcome.
That sounds like a tricky situation and, as you say it could be confusing for the kids, I have to say that when I first split from my husband he did come round for tea once a week (which was awful for me but nice for the kids) but I think that her coming and doing baking with them would be more confusing as it implies she still lives there, rather than "coming as a guest for tea". Also it is your space and up to you who you have in!!!
Louise :)
I used to allow my ex into my home. The first place I rented, I took him to see it as I felt he needed to know where the children were and that it was a nice house! I always took the children to his place for contact, and he'd bring them home, coming in with their bags.
First Christmas (2004) he came over 9am and stayed until the Queen's speech and then travelled across country to his first girlfriend's house, the second Christmas, after I moved in to this house, he came over for Christmas dinner before going to his second girlfriend's house - sorry, that is the 'miaw' bit here - he's just married his most recent girlfriend (third time lucky, my daughter said!).
After that, things became very difficult. The children were being put in situations they didn't want to be, and although many people find the reasons trivial, living with extreme behaviour is incredibly difficult, and was why I'd left. The children weren't happy going, and basically, he came to collect the children and I went to the car (can't park by the house here) to discuss this matter calmly. I don't shout, I can't stand confrontation, I tend to cry! Anyway, he yelled and yelled at me telling me how everything was my fault, and it was my fault that the children felt as they did, and I was an awful mother etc etc.
After that, he has not been allowed into our house. My brother told me to think of my house as the bubble in The Incredibles cartoon that protects them. And that is how I think of my home. This is our safe haven. My ex did come in once with one of the birthdays. He sent a text telling me he was calling in to see our son. However, his Dad (who is a huge support to me, as is his step-mum - I go there with the children every week) phoned me to say they were calling with The Git (my name for him - children have no idea), so I sent a text to say "surely you mean please may I call with my Dad to see son". He's not attempted to come in since.
So no. I don't allow the 'other' parent into my home.
PS - sorry for the long posts. I really do ramble. I'm on my own with my children about 95% of the time, and tend to type as much as I talk, which is far too much!
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm i'm in a tricky situation there. My ex is not allowed to take the children to the place he is living (bedsit), so he always sees the children at my house. It's starting to really bug me as it's like we are still together, but i feel he needs to see the kids and they need to see him so i just have to put up with it
I do feel that this is a different situation. If my ex was in a bedsit, I would allow him to see the children here.
best wishes
Thanks for your responses Sarah and Saprkling. It just goes to show how all arrangements differ.
Sarah do you go out when the children's dad comes? I wondered how you would feel about that.
Sparkling, sounds like you had a co-operative parenting relationship going to start with but you had to change things when the children became unhappy. That's fantastic that they have a good relationship with their grandparents, and will help them feel more secure, despite their Dad'a behaviour
Louise :)
Hello caralan, it sounds as if you really find it distressing to think of your son having time with his dad, and I am wondering if you think this stems from his aggression? Does your son seem to enjoy spending time with his father?
I am glad that you feel your home is such a sanctuary and you can feeel safe and comfortable there.
Louise :)
Hi Karen
I truly believe that it is important for our children to have a relationship with their father - as long as it is not to the detriment of us.
It always amazes me how much we put up with, so our ex partners have some sort of relationship with their children. I often wonder how lenient they would be if the shoe was on the other foot!
Why didn't he see his child for 7 months? Was that your decision or was it his? Now it is arranged for him to come into your house does this mean he has managed to assert more power over you and your life? I completely understand your worries about him leaving the country with your daughter, is it something he would really do or is it just a threat to keep you under his control??
Well Karen, all you can do is your best and I am glad that you are feeling OK about being assertive with him. Children your daughter's age soooooo need consistency. It is very difficult sometimes to know what to do for he best and to benefit our kids but I feel certain that sticking with her during visit is a sensible choice for you ;)
Take care and keep posting
Louise :)
Hi mac, that's great that you were able to say that, I hope they haven't abused your situation? Does he or his mum ever try and get into your home?
Hi mac
It always makes me laugh when people say that our children are hyper, naughty etc, when they have only seen them for a few hours, and then your ex saying that if they are uncontrollable he's not having them! Surely that would encourage him more :?: It would me anyway, I would want to have them to ensure that they learned all the things that you are obviously not teaching them!!! People can be so funny! :)
Its great to hear that you have the ground rules sorted though, good on ya!
Hello Mac
It reminds me of a few years ago when my youngest was a baby. I used to go to a church where they had a creche. The minute that I started putting him in the creche, 5 out of the 8 creche rota ladies resigned. I was exasperated and thought "if they think they can't handle him for 30 minutes on a Sunday then how on earth do they think I cope the rest of the week?" it also made me realise how true the saying is that goes "It takes a whole village to being up a child" As Anna says, surely they should be giving you support on this one?
Take care
Louise :)
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Yeah - too right. In fact in a minute I'm going to have to knock on the doors of a fair proportion of the village to find where mine is to call her home for tea!
No, seriously, before anyone thinks I'm a feckless mother: I know she's prefectly safe playing with someone else on the same Close - just not sure which house they've settled on just at the moment! ;) Fi x
haha!!! I have the same with my youngest! It's lovely and safe here too, been very lucky.
That's brilliant :lol:
When I go to collect my kids on a week end it is Ok, I go into my exes house but I dont think I would take a new girlfriend, bit tactless!