Many single parents try to over-compensate for the fact that Daddy or Mummy is not around.
We may feel like we are always saying "No" to them, so tend to let them get away with some things, that we deem less important.
Our children may be spending their fortnightly weekends with their non-resident parent and having such a great time, that we feel that we have to compete with being the good guy.
As we have no one to share the decisions with and we are learning how to be a parent on our own, are we therefore spoiling them for a quieter life? Or are we stricter because we feel that we have to do the job of two people. Have your say here .............
Dear Pen
You sound very distressed, you seem to be doing everything for your children for very little in return. You ask how you can make the children happier when it sounds as if you are doing everything that you can.
How old are your children? And where do you live? Perhaps I can find some local support for you, or use our Advice Finder on the One Space homepage http://advicefinder.onespace.org.uk/
As parents we can't always expect our children to appreciate everything we do for them, but we do need to teach them the value of what we do.
The older the children get the more they need to assert their own independance, but they also need to learn that a relationship is a 2 way thing. Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind. If your children don't show you respect, tell them you won't drive them somewhere that they request.
If your children are older you can hold a family discussion where everyone has a chance to say how they are feeling at the moment (with no interruptions allowed from others) and then as a family, discuss how you can resolve and help each other. Remind your children that families are supposed to support one another. Let them know how you are feeling, without getting cross, just matter of factly. If they will support you then you can continue to support them with what they want to do.
You could have a written contract between you and them, for example, if they wash up after dinner, you will take them to party at the weekend. Or if they help around the house, they can stay out an extra hour.
Remember - YOUR HOUSE - YOUR RULES
Is it possible to talk to your childrens father? Ask him to support you with disciplining them?
As for money, you should be entitled to some sort of maintenance from their father, have a look at http://www.cmoptions.org/maintenance/index.html and go to your local Job Centre and talk to the Lone Parent Advisor.
Good Luck Pen, come back and tell us how it is going.
Hi lovelysb, sorry I have taken so long in replying to your response, you sound like you are very much in the control of the situation and are taking a sensible stance on not spoiling your child materialistically.
It is very true that if you praise and acknowledge good behaviour, our children tend to behave themselves as they don't want to hear the reverse.
I am going to embolden the above so we don't forget it. It is one of the first and most important ground rules of discipline.
Thanks lovelysb
Hi Clarebear,
Children between the ages of 2-5years are at a developmental stage where they have a self-centred view of the world, "what I want is fair", they want everything for themselves, they manipulate, tell lies and cheat at games to get their own way, without understanding that these behaviours are wrong!
It is our job as parent to teach them that there are rules that they need to follow.
Keep talking to your daughter about how the best presents in the world are free - hugs, kisses, fun time - things that she can give you and make you happy. You could discuss how having nothing in the world would be ok as long as you had each other, talk about if Grandad didn't want to take her to the park anymore, how would she feel? You could have a session in her room clearing out all the old things and taking them to the charity shop so she learns that other children don't have as much as she does and those children are still valuable, loved and happy.
Do remember that when you are talking to her she will be understanding what you are saying, but she might not be able to reason it on her own. As long as you stay on this vain during her childhood, she will learn to be empathetic and hopefully recognise the value of someone giving her quality time rather than money/materials. Also watch what you talk about, often we might go on and on about money, not having enough, or being jealous of someone who has more, or ungrateful for a rubbish present! Our children are forever modelling our behaviour, its how they learn!
She is very lucky to have a large wooden climbing frame and great grandparents and she shouldn't be made to feel guilty for that at all, however it is good that she learns that she is very fortunate and privileged.
I think if your parents spend so much time with her, she most definitely will learn to value their time, maybe not right now, but in the future those will be memories that she will keep. Don't beat yourself up about it, her father is giving you the perfect tools to teach her what you want her to know.
Good Luck, let me know how you get on :)
I wish I could spoil my son but unfortuanatley can't due to financial restrictions