Difficult situation advice needed.
Hi there everyone.
I really need some advice for my friend. She’s in a really difficult situation and I want to help but before I can I thought I better ask people with more of an understanding.
She has a 3year old girl which she has raised all by herself as the father, once he found out she was pregnant, walked out and didn’t want to know about it. About 6 months ago he seemed to have a change of heart and wants to get a relationship back together with her and the child.
Up until that point she didn’t want anything from him and made her own way living with her mum and doing the best she could (of which she is an amazing mum to her child). He is not listed on the birth certificate and she has been very cautious of things.
She was in a very dark time and even though didn’t want to be in any kind of relationship with him she found herself accepting £200 a month off of him to help with the child and starting to have the relationship she didn’t want. She has only let him see the child twice as she needs to be sure that he is not going to just walk out on it all again.
Anyway she now is very very unhappy and needs out from the relationship with him as she knows its never going to work. She will still say to him that if he continues to prove over the next year that him wanting to see the child is not a fad then she will slowly allow access to build up so the child knows her father. Now the problem is he may turn nasty (which he has done in the past). Myself can support her and protect her from any violence but it’s the whole money thing that’s now got her worried.
The good news is that he opened an account in his name and gave her a card and he just put £200 a month in to it. The money when taken out has never been put in to her accounts and she has used it to pay for stuff like food and care etc. She is so worried he might take her down the legal channels to get some rights or more likely just clear off and ignore the child again but then tell child support / benefits people she has had this money etc. At this point he father is not the type of person that she would ever want to leave her child in the care of.
Now when I say she is scrapping by money wise I really mean that. She is an amazing woman but has just got herself in to a trap so looking for advice that I can pass on or how I can help her from people that have been in similar situations etc. I’ve spoken to the police (a friend of mine) who’s advised me on the violence side but anyother advice welcome.
Many thanks for any responses in advance.
Michael
Hi Louise,
Thanks for the advice. All makes sense and I hope that we can get her through this without too many issues. I think your 'come clean' idea is possibly the best way forward or perhaps to just give him back the money but I prefer yours.
Also thank you for the links and I will be passing them on to her. Is there a sight that you know of that lists all your entitlements as a single parent or something that your type in all your details and it then tells you what you can have. Long shot I know but if I do not ask.. as they say.
Thanks you again
Michael
Hi Michael
Not as such, although you can look at http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/health/benefits-check for the benefits side of things
We have a fantastic section on Money ourselves: here's the link: http://recession.onespace.org.uk/ and there is a 1-2-1 section on there where she can contact a worker direct and in confidence.
Hi Michael
I am just catching up on the boards after having been off them while the revamping was going on. I know that Louise has replied to your query a couple of times with some sound advice and I just wanted to check how things were going and if you (your friend) needed any more support on this?
Cheers C-L
Hi Michael
First of all the questions of money and of parenting time are not linked in law. The payments do not give him any rights to see the child. Yes, he can go down the legal route to get defined parenting time but he could do that anyway whether he has paid or not. Her idea of gradaully building up the child's relationship with him sounds very sensible and one that is likely to seem feasible to the courts.
Legal advice will cost money unless she is on Income Support so it might be worth not seeking it yet if she is not on Incoem Support, only if he does try anything against her. When she does want legal advice, find an adviser here: http://www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/en/directory/directorysearch.jsp
If she has had regular maintenance and has been on Income Support then he can indeed "report" her. If she has been on Working Tax Credit then there is no need to worry as child support has never been counted when working out this benefit. This will also be the case for Income Support as well from April 2010. So it is just the position until April that needs clarifying. If he threatens to cause trouble it might be best to "come clean" and tell the Income Support people herself, pay back any overpayment and then he will have no hold over her.
Re child support in general. he is obliged to pay 15% of his income to support the child anyway. If the money stops then she can submit a claim through the CSA, see http://www.cmoptions.org/ for the various options available.