I wanted to set up a group here for people experiencing anxiety or anger or other feelings around their children having contact with your ex partner. You can go through a range of emotions and here is a place to share those feelings.
Are you happy for contact to continue as it is? Do you enjoy the free time? Or do you worry that your child is not safe?
:lol: :lol: :lol:
My lot are so accident prone (three visits to A&E in the last three months) I'm too scared to open the wine I have in the fridge, just incase!
I know what you mean... I just got rid of the car though, end of problem. :)
With me, my ex would drive me batty with cancelling time. The first instant was over the Easter holidays, when he denied having made arrangements to having extra time with the children - after that I stated I'd record his phone calls - probably why he'll only text, and those I would download (not for a while now though).
He demanded the standard every other weekend and one evening a week contact, and refused other suggestions of extra time. Although I do think fiance mark I was on the scene before we split up, the cancellation of contact time was not too bad. Only bad point was when I wanted to go to a festival on what was his contact weekend, and he refused to have the children - asking for me understanding :o Git.
Fiance mark II contact was more intermittant, but we were, to be fair, still on reasonable talking terms at that point.
Fiance mark III and now wife though was horrendous. I was so shocked too. The other two fiances had lived 100s of miles away, so I could understand him needing the time. As, by this time, he lived within walking distance (about 5 mins away), the children would walk or take their bikes. More than one occasion, the cancellation came so late they'd already left and I'd have to go and get them. There wasn't a week that went by without cancelling or changing times that, at the end of the day, he wanted.
Then one night – May 2007 – he sent a text at 10pm to cancel the following night’s overnight contact.
My son, then 15 was in the kitchen, and said ‘bet that’s dad cancelling’. He broke down, saying how unfair it all was.
I spoke to my sister (lives in Sussex, and is a lot older and more sensible than me!) and her husband came up with a letter that did away with all previous agreed contact (never went through the Courts for me) and that from now on he was to give 24 hours notice of when he could see the children.
He made a drama of this with the children, sobbing with them and telling them how unreasonable I was, when he was doing his best (yeah, right –meow…). The children came home from this evening visit very distressed. I discussed it with the older two (then 15 and 13) and showed them the letter. Eldest was disgusted with ex after he could see how straight forward the letter was, and texted ex to say they wanted to try it.
Ex now texts me the day before he wants to see them. He chooses to give them either a 6 – 8pm or 6pm – 9pm time slot – that is his choice. He refuses to give them tea.
He never replies to any texts I sends.
He still winds me up, and I will get agitated – as you all know – at times. I think I cope ok most of the time.
He’s chosen not to have the children over night now (other than on their birthdays, and then only the one child) for over 23 months. He’s never told me that he won’t be having over night contact. But then he never told me he moved, and I don’t have a landline number, only the mobile number that he won’t answer if I ring, nor reply to my texts – which I rarely send. Last one was when youngest broke his leg, and I didn’t receive a reply to! :cry:
I wish he was out of my hair. When he went to the USA to get married, so the Texan could be there, I crossed everything that he had stayed there. Gutted when he came home 8-) . Simply, as if he was out the country, things would be so much easier.
I find myself calculating the time until my youngest is 18 (7 years, 5 months and 24 days) until I don’t have to take him into account for anything. I know he’ll always be there though.
I’m calmer now, and accept a lot, which has helped, rather than trying to fight it and get him to ‘play fair’. At the end of the day, in his eyes I’m totally unreasonable, and can’t change that. Who’s to say he’s not right?
I know what you mean... I just got rid of the car though, end of problem. :)
Excellent idea - and if my legs weren't so wonky I wouldn't have bought the one I have now after the Renault nightmare!
I am sure the calmer approach is one that helps. Not easy when it is about the most important thing in our lives...our children. As Bubblegum says, I think one of the hardest aspects is being able to separate out OUR feelings for the other parent from how we view their parenting time with the children. In one sense it is a "barometer" of how far our recovery has come, when we are able to separate these things.
For me, one of the hardest aspects of this "separating out" was the realisation that there was now no-one to reminisce with about when the children were litle and their development over the years. My Mum is quite good at this but I felt I wanted to talk to someone who loved them just as much as I do (although maybe he didn't? Who's to say?)
When they are very small, there is also a temtptation to think of them being "contaminated" by visits to the other parent, A dear friend of mine, whose husband left her for another woman, used to wash every item of clothing in her children's bags when they returned to her, although this "other woman" had kindly laundered their uniforms and got everything ready for school. But i had great sympathy for my friend.
sparklinglime wrote:
Fiance mark III and now wife though was horrendous.
Spaklinglime, Fiance mark III?? How long have u been split with him? 3 fiances? Flippin' 'eck? :o
I know! Clearly I wasn't want he was looking for 8-)
We split March 5004.
Fiance mark I was Aug 2005
Fiance mark II was Oct 2006
Fiance mark III engaged Oct 2007 and married Oct 2008...
:D
I didn't send a card as I couldn't decide between a good luck or sincere condolences... :lol:
Hi Paulasgems,
I do think that you risk a fraught situation if the children's dad stays with you, and as Sy says it will confuse the children. The only way I could see it being feasible is if you went away completely for the whole visit (including sleeping elsewhere) and your paths did not cross.
:lol: :lol: :lol: Short attention span then! Or maybe the first 2 wised up! D'ya think he's trying 2 see how many he can get thru in a decade? :D
Typical men tho, mine ex has just split with his 3rd girlfriend and we only split a year ago!
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Paula, he will be invading "your" space, I feel. It's good on paper - I put similar to my ex before I was made aware of having to sell the house, as I had a detached garage that had been converted into an office with a kitchen and loo... Not quite under the same roof.
However, things got so hostile, my brother told me to treat the house like the bubble The Incredibles have. And he was right. Trying to get my children to understand that daddy was not welcome into the house though was very difficult. He did listen though when I told him to stop getting the children to invite him in. I have never been in any of his houses, and don't really see why he should know what we have here that the children may not have told him about! :roll:
With a bit of planning maybe he can get some offers in a Travelodge and stay there - and could take the children there if he wanted to.
I'm not saying it won't work...
Loads of hugs. I know it's all horrid when we want the children to be happy.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Luckily, as far as I'm concerned anyway, as in from my point of view anyway, contact no longer happens, she (my wife) has stated that she no longer wishes to see her two beautiful wonderful children. I can speculate why and it all has to do with her own feelings and nothing to do with her childrens but ultimately that is fine by me and I know that's me thinking only of my own feelings but since last December, and in fact during the other periods of no contact (this is the longest now) I feel so much more relaxed and happy and stress free... sans contact.
During the periods of intermittent contact that have been I have just felt like I've been on the defensive in a battle with my EX with the children in the middle, I feel like I'm always stepping backwards to accommodate my childrens well being, ultimately to their detriment, if you get what I mean.. like the world around me, CAFCASS and what I read is telling me that children should see both parents and have health relationships with non resident parents and P.A.S. and all that sort of stuff.. and yet I look at my situation and I see my wife with all her drug and alcohol problems and all her messed up mental issues with developing relationships and it doesn't all fit together nicely, not nicely for my children anyway. It's only the fact that my CAFCASS officer is nice and explains everything to me and I think OK maybe she's right, maybe I should look past my own feelings and well how can I see it all subjectively and OK I just passively go along with it all.... and sometimes that feels OK and sometimes it doesn't.
Anyway.. luckily (see above) there is no contact at the moment, but when there is again, and I'm sure there will be.. Then I'll come back here and moan about it.
: )
Please excuse any rambling incoherent(ness).. it's Friday night and that's wine night.
Mind you so's Saturday actually, and sometimes Sunday too even, when I'm feeling particularly flash that is anyway.
: )