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contact issue! need info

Pansy

Could anyone tell me if I have a right to say my 13 yr old can not go with her Dad to where he lives with girlfriend. It is another country & takes 13 hrs by coach, all day by train! plus I have reasons! I am undecided at the moment but need to know where I stand should I have to make that choice. Daughter WANTS to go so I dont know if I can stop her anyway?
I may not want to, I just need to know my choices, so I can think them over.
thanks
Paula

Posted on: August 3, 2009 - 11:06am
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Paula

Parents do not have "rights", only repsonsibilities. In law it is the CHILD'S right to have a relationship with both parents unless they are put at risk by doing so. My personal take on it is that your daughter is risking great upset by going.......but if she understands that and makes that choice then maybe it is one of those times when you have to stand back and let it all happen and your precious child's feelings be hurt and for her to learn by the experience. I notice you say that she will be travelling there with her dad; what would the plans be for her return journey, she is too young to come back on her own!

Posted on: August 3, 2009 - 12:31pm
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Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi paulasgems

I really understand the difficulties of handing over your child to someone that you don't trust to look after their emotional wellbeing. However Louise is right it is the childs rights that come into play here. If she wants to go there is probably very little you could do to stop it. I think it is at 12 years old when the Courts will listen to the child if they no longer want access or if they want to live with the other parent.

I also am in agreement with Louise that it may well be one of those times when you have to stand back and let them find their own way through their relationship with their father and all we can do is pick up the pieces. From personal experience, just recently, my ex dug his own grave with his daughter, it took a while, but she is 14 and now recognises what is inappropriate or immature and is in a safe enough place to share that with me.

I don't know if that helps and if you need more clarification you might want to seek advice from the solicitor. Good Luck.

Posted on: August 4, 2009 - 1:45pm
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Pansy

ok thanks Anna & Louise. I totally agree with what you are saying & have not actually got a problem with it & am all for letting them discovering things for themselves & know they will, but I am not sending her to another country where she may be unsafe & where if she wants to come home, she has to wait for Dad to have the money or me to go all the way there & get her which would take about 16 hours. At the moment she is very unstable because of her needs & I am not sending her there so she can witness him & his 25 yr old girlfriend getting plastered whilst for all I know putting her in danger from drink & anti social behavior that may be around them. I have a very bad feeling about the whole thing & that is why I have made the decission now that she is not going. If he were living somewhere here it would be different I could keep in contact with her & bring her back at the drop of a hat. I am also quite sure that if it has to go to a court to decide that they would agree giving circumstances. My children can see their Dad whenever they want, but he will have to come here, unless I ever feel he & his girlfriend can be trusted.
What your saying is right, but it does depend on the circumstances.
I just wanted to know legally where I stood with it, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

she has been told she is not going & after smashing her bedroom to bits, she was happy with it & understood why as much as she could, I still dont think she fully understands, my ex is not arguing over it either, he is coming here to see them all wed or thurs.
Thanks Anna & Louise :)

Posted on: August 4, 2009 - 2:20pm
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sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Loads of hugs Paula.

Posted on: August 4, 2009 - 4:09pm
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Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi paulasgems, I am so glad you have come to a comfortable decision. You know your children better than anyone and I imagine after finally coming to the decision you feel a weight off!

When I told my daughter that I wasn't going to allow contact with her father at 7 yrs old (v. diff circumstances) her behaviour changed dramatically and it made me realise that she needed me to take that decision out of her hands.

So big pat on the back for you. :)

Posted on: August 5, 2009 - 4:16pm
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