Hi,
I got divorced ten years ago, very difficult time, been through lots of different struggles as many divorced parents with main responsibilities face. I am in another relationship now and have had another child since. I have been finding it difficult recently, my older sons are 16 and 12, considering all the difficulties they have faced I am really proud of them both in the way they have coped with things and adapted to and accepted situations. However my ex husband who is now settled in a relationship and also has a daughter with his partner, has suddenly started to be more pro active.
Since the divorce he has been able to carry on with his life as before not having to have time off work when his children are ill, not had to make the sacrifices we make as parents to prevent our children from going without. He has always had them every other weekend, without the other responsibilities that go with raising children. I don't mean to sound detrimental to all estranged parents because I know thats not a true reflection on you. What I mean is he has been able to have the best of both worlds. An example is parents evenings I have always informed him of them so he has had the option of attending but he always had an excuse of having to work or soemthing else.
Now all of a sudden he is starting to play super dad. I suppose after all he is their dad and I should just accept it, but I am starting to feel quite resentful about it. The feelings are like well shes done all the hard work now Im going to come along and take all the glory. I divorced him on unreasonable behaviour and there was some domestic violence, he left me with a lot of debt and said that he would make life difficult for me if I divorced him. I have tried to do my best for my children, but obviously finances have not allowed me to take them on holidays or regular days out. Also I was so down when going through the divorce as it was quite devastating I feel that a large part of their childhood was overclouded by this. I am fearful that they may just suddenly decide to go and live with him. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this way? Has or is anyone else experiencing this? Would be so grateful of any input
Thanks
Louise
Posted on: July 8, 2010 - 12:15am
Hello Lou281
Welcome to One Space! I am another Louise and am one of the moderators here.
I know exactly what you mean and many parents with majority care feel the same, I have heard the "I do all the work and X has the high days and holidays" from parents of both genders very frequently. You seem to be feeling uneasy about your boys' dad's sudden interest. It could be that he feels guilty, it could be that he feels time passing or of course he could have a less noble motive.
Certainly boys at the age your sons are do quite often transfer to live with their dads, of their own choosing, something about make role models. However, my personal view is that their dad's new partner may not relish the idea of a sudden influx of two teenage boys. I am sure your boys are lovely but speaking as one who has two boys of 20 and 15, I know what hard work teenagers can be!
Have you had a chat to the boys about the situation? Not in the vein of "What's your dad up to?", but more a case of "Dad seems to be taking more of a part in things, that's good. How are you feeling about that?" I don't think you need to put ideas in their heads but they are old enough now for you to say to them how proud of them you are and how you wish things had been different, and that you were very low at the time of the split and you had to work very hard to keep things together for them, they were only tiny, you could mention one or two incidents (I don't mean in a martyrish way, more matter-of-fact and cheerful and thank heavens that's behind us) I know I had some dodgy times, with the electricity almost cut off and court action threatened for Council Tax late payment and I am guessing you went through similar. Also, some of the things you have to do to feed everyone, whilst dreadful at the time, can capture their interest at a later date.
However, I do have to say that it may be that you start to feel that your boys are disloyal if they set too much store by their father, and feel angry that he wants just to waltz in now they are young men, and take the credit, whilst you did all the graft. I feel it is important not to let the boys know about these feelings and if you need an outlet for them, you could talk it through with friends or even a counsellor. Sadly, it is yet another thing that is going to be asked of you as a devoted parent: to allow them to love their dad and have more involvement with him, and if he lets them down, be there to pick up the pieces.
There are no easy answers and yes, "it's not fair". Trust in the loving relationship you have had with them over the years and the fact that you have been their rock, They will never forget that, even though as teenagers they may seem to for a while