Hello, I'm MissB73,
I'm mother to 2 boys, eldest is 12 and high functioning autistic and youngest is 10 and I think its possible he has adhd and odd.
I've been single for 8 years and have a very difficult relationship with their dad. My youngest currently does not want to see his dad, I continue to encourage him but feel I cant force him anymore.
I feel quiet isolated and lonely at times, I suffer with bouts of depression but am generally ahappy and outgoing person. I'm looking to make friends with other parents and support and to be of support.
I'm a designer/maker and work from my attic at home. I recently started the freedom program as I have come to realise that I was in a psychologically abusive relationship with my ex and still am.
This is the year take my life back and make things better for my sons and I :)
Thanks for your reply Anna,
I've just written mini novel in new discussion but I was trying to give full picture of situation I'm in.
I've now gone to a solictor to help draft a letter to dad as I feel I shouldnt be made to feel I am obliged to force my son at the age of 10 to have the contact dad is insisting on. Youngest does want to see dad and I am in no way stopping contact have always saidto dad its an open door and only needs to ask and can see boys whenever he wants, he only lives 10 mins away. He doesnt ever do that though.
Dad doesnt know yet and I am scared of consequences, he recently said he had enough on me to take the boys away from me, but I dont want to be bullied anymore.
Hi MissB73- good for you, to take control back!
From experience: when 'they' say they could take the children away, they really only want to bully you and to make you all worried and feeling worthless. They don't really want to take the children. In your case, as your ex is ony 10 mins away, and doesn't make use of your open door policy, I would think that is probably all he's trying to do.
Welcome to here! It's a grat place. :-)
Thank you for the welcome hopeful,
It means alot to know I'm not alone and to have others to talk to.
Of course the logical side of me thinks that too, but the other half is still a bit scared, I've started journalling and also keeping a diary of what we have for evening meals, what activities we do, he phones every wednesday and always questions them about what they've been eating and doing. Silly of me I guess but makes me feel a bit better.
On the positive side though I embraced my fears and doing not one but 3 of the courses on here, freedom programme, assertiveness and parenting and as I cant finish final year of uni enrolled in night classes to do creatie sketch book techniques.
I will get my life back :)
Hi missB73. Welcome along. Of course you'll get your life back 
I agree with Hopeful regarding your ex. He's all bluff and no trousers so to speak (not that I've met him hehe). It's great that you've joined the courses, and enrolled in night school. Wow I reckon you have your life back now. Take care, and look forward to 'chatting'. It really is a lovely site.
Hi everyone, feel like i am the new girl joining a new gang! So wanting to change my life and dont even know where to start. I found this freedom programe and thought I would give it ago. I have two children the eldest is 16 and the youngest is 10. I have had 18 months of pure hell on earth, thats the only way to discribe it, all due to a man. I was so stunned to discover that I had been a victim of Domestic Violence. He never hit me but it was all head case stuff. He is now off the sence, but I feel totally confused as to how on earth this happened in the first place. would be good to hear from anyone else who has or is experiencing this kind of truma? You start think that your the only person this has ever happened to.
Hi holyrood
Great to see you here.
Had emotional abuse here, including the children. Seven plus years down the road now, you never forget, but somehow do learn to deal with it with fabulous support.
A lot - if not all - my support comes from this board.
Hello lovelies,
I've only really started to acknowledge it now, that what it was emotional and psychological abuse,it was so subtle that I didnt realise until after the fact and even now 8 yrs later.
( Well 5 really, because we were on and off for 3 years still, but he kept cheating on me, with same girl)
I've only done 2 bits of the course but I still think I'm making it out to be worse than it was,or I think,yeah but it wasnt real abuse I mean he never hit me, or called me names.Its no where near as bad as other woman who have suffered real abuse.
It was little things like, if I hadnt done the dishes, emptied the bin, the living room wasnt tidy when he got home from work, he be quiet,moody and sulk. Despite the fact I'd been home alone all day with postnatal depression, a 2 year old and a new born I was breastfeeding. In the end I wouldnt let anyone come round in the last hour or so before he got home so I could tidy up. even as I type this I feel like I'm being unreasonable.
I stopped going out because I'd get comments before I went out 'fashion show is it?' jokingly but nt and then when I got back it would be comments like 'so did you pull?' always said jokingly.
Now we're split its things like 'you're happy to just let them rot in their bedrooms' or ' you're damaging those boys' or 'you're getting in the way or our relationship'
I feel sick and shake before he collects my eldest and when he drops him off because I dont know what to expect, will there be things he has to say, threats about taking boys, or telling me I'm being unreasonable/difficult/want everything my own way.
Its only been this bad though since christmas but getting steadily worse since feb last year.
I'm sorry I feel like I have verbal diarhea, cant stop now I've started, I never knew about thi website, so glad I found it and these forums, its such a huge relief.
Thank you
Hi, I am also new to this site, but can say that I am going through pretty much similar stuff to yourself, and I can relate exactly to how he makes you feel. Like you I am being strong, for myself and my 3 children, I know it will be tough for us but we can do this x
Hello holyrood and welcome
Great that you are doing the Freedom Programme,. it is fab and a real eye opener.
For all of you I would say that abuse comes in many different forms and MissB73 that behaviour from him is totally out of order and there are no excuses to be made for him. I think one of the hardest things for someone on the receiving end of abuse is to admit it to themselves. There is a tendency for us to blame ourselves (oh well it was because he was drunk/tired; it was because I am always so messy/stupid/ incompetent) A good relationship is based on respect and kindness...end of.
You're right, annas, it is tough but YOU CAN DO IT!
We can do it my lovelies, we've got this far, we're on this forum, sharing, taking these first steps and they are always the hardest and some days will be good and others we'll wish we could just go back to bed and thats ok too. There's a quote -
'Courage does not always roar, sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'.
xx
That is fab!
Thanks for your kind positive words. I too am doing the freedom programme which I find really helpful. I feel stupid saying this but I took him back over christmas stupidly believing his charming manner. I came to my senses last weekend....... I am now back on my own with the kids and we are all a lot happier already. Sometimes it feels like I have been brainwashed and when I talk to people it is like I am talking about someone else not myself xx
Hi Annas,
Dont feel stupid ( easier said than done) I have done the same thing many times before. They have a very manipulative way of making you think you are doing the right thing. I dont know how they do it and many times I have felt like I have been brain washed and that the person in the mirror is not me anymore. My ex went as far as to tell me he was dying due to his alcohol problem and that the doctors didnt think he was going to see the new year in!!! well low and behold he is still breathing!!! The other problem I have found is that, although its good to talk to friends and family but if they have not experienced this they dont often understand. I am so glad that i stumbled onto this site, in the last 2 days I already think and feel better, that finally there are people who know exactly what I am talking about and understand the kind of abuse we have been through.
Thank you so much Girls, and although its hard ( and many tears later) I think that we will all get there in the end. I am not saying that all men are like this but for me, NO MAN, will ever cause that much hurt, pain, and upset for me or my children again xxxx
Hi all, lovely to see you all here. So good to read that you are doing the Freedom Programme and finding it useful. If at all possible it would be really good to attend a face to face programme too, if you get the time/chance.
When we have lived with an abuser and yes Miss B73, your ex is being extremely abusive, we have listened to them and learnt how to act and react to keep ourselves safe from danger or further abuse.
We have believed the lies that we have been told ie:
"I was only joking when I said you looked like a hooker"
"I didn't mean to shout, its just I love you so much and I don't want to lose you"
that we have probably told our friends and family the same lies. "He only did it because.............he's an alcoholic/depressed/had a bad childhood etc etc ."
What we have to learn is that WE are the only ones who should be controlling our lives, no-one else.
This time in our lives when we have left a partner can be so painful, we are being pushed and pulled by our ex's, who are probably changing tack depending on how assertive/strong we are feeling at the time, we are raising our children and don't want them to be affected and also we are grieving for the loss of the man that we love.
annas I love to read that you are feeling happier already, have you seen the thread The Best thing about being a single parent is...........? Have a look and add your own comments on why things are better without him, or if you need a rreminder as to why being a single parent is sooo much better than living under the cloud of someone who clearly doesn't love you in a way that is safe, satisfying and thriving.
Thank Anna, as you wrote, I have listened to him, learnt how to act, its like being brainwashed, hear something often enough and you start to believe it.
When I did the above poster bit of the course and it came to the friend - this is what I wrote -
'The friend scares me too, I'm scared I will suffocate, that I will still lose who I have fought to become over the last 8 years since I left, who I was wasnt good enough for my ex what if anew partner doesnt really like who I am, what if they cheat on me, the friend scares me because my ex seemed to be a friend and wasnt, and bottom line I realise I probably dont feel I deserve to be loved, I'm too messed up, my boys to much for someone else, etc etc.'
A revelation as I wrote it, I thought there was something wrong with me ( too messed up/emotional etc) and thats why I've been single since we split,but actually I've just been too damn scared to let anyone near me again. I'm still not ready but at least now I know why.
DO THE FREEDOM COURSE even if like me you thought 'its been too long since we split' or well he didnt hit me so it wasnt bad enough...' it doesnt matter it will help I've onlydone 20% and its already helping me to help myself and realise the impact of his behavior on mine. Knowledge is power my lovelies go strengthen yourselves.
Much love and hugs toyou all
xx
Hi MissB73, great post! I think we have to learn to trust ourselves and have the confidence to approve of our actions.
So pleased to hear that you are loving the Freedom Programme, one of the last sessions is about Warning Signs for future relationships, this will give you some food for thought and armour for when you are ready to start dating again.
PS. You are not messing your boys heads up and even if you are feeling messed up yourself, I bet you are putting your boys first and no one can ask you to do more than that.
I'm a quote addict, I collect them, hoard them and share them, they arelike little nuggets of positive energy and I use them as little mantras. They help me so thought I'd share a few. xx
and just because I think its funny
Miss B73, these quotes are great. Having a bit of crap day. One where you question everything. you know, where did it go wrong, why me? Why couldnt he have just beeen normal? I know today will be another day, but when the mood takes you its hard to get out of it. x
Sorry to hear your having a pants day, I do know exactly how you feel. I find that sometimes the harder I fight the mood the worse I feel. So maybe fully acknowledge those feelings, write them down, in all the blah glory and then put them away, then when you're feeling better you can read them again and maybe imagine its your friend who's written them...what would you tell her?
Is she right? or can you tell her why she shouldnt feel like that?
Just an idea
Be kind to yourself hun and start again tomorrow
xx
MissB73
I love quotes too! Thank you for those and keep 'em coming! One of my latest on my office wall is:
Don't be disappointed if people refuse to help you. Remember the words of Einstein:
"I'm thankful to all those who said 'No' because of them I did it myself!"
Hi holyrood, how are you doing today?
Hi All. Erm........... not to bad thanks. The moods are hard to shift, sometimes can last a few days:( I am going on the Freedom course next week, face to face, so maybe that will help too..... I dont think it has helped cos i saw " HIM " in the flesh yesterday. Thankfully he didnt see me, but its amazing how it drags up memories, both good and bad. Part of me wanted to talk to him, the nice side of him, the side I loved so much and gave up everything for, but I knew if I did, it would of opened the can of worms and the whole sorry thing would of started again. But its a hard, horrible feeling walking way too. I must of looked like a right idiot walking home on the school run, with tears streaming down my face, just came in and shut the door:( xxx Why is life so bloody cruel at times???
I just feel like I spend my whole life wishing. Wishing that he could of been different, wishing he didnt have a drink problem, then wishing I never knew him so I would have to feel like this ever again. And I know people are right when they say, It will get better and in time things will be easier. But now I just want that day to arrive, it seems so far out of reach. Now I feel guilty, cos I have posted such a down and depressing post
Sorry people, just one of them shitty a*** weeks:( I hope everyone else is doing ok, and if your not, please feel free to rant and rave back at me xxxxxxxx
Hello holyrood
Oh, that was a nasty shock for you. I know exactly how you feel (same thing happened to me a couple of times with an ex of mine......pounding heart, sweaty palms...terrible longing and yet terrible loathing) and it is dreadful when you see them unexpectedly.
You can't turn back the clock, you can only move forward and that is what you are doing with the Freedom Programme (great news you are on a face to face one, by the way). I wish I had a life remote control for you so that you could fast forward a few weeks!!! Just say to yourself that even during this distressing time there are things for you to learn, whether that is remembering this feeling so that you will be able to help others in the future, building your sense of self so that the next relationship you are in is a better one or just holding on to th fact that you have done the right thing for you and the children.
Take care and I hope today is a better one,
Hi holyrood, ditto everything Louise has said. It is a tough time you are having and as your friends have said, you will get through it.
Learning to love yourself is such a valuable thing, I used to find that when I dropped something, or something went wrong, I would say to myself 'you stupid cow' or 'what did you expect you are incapable of anything' in my head, basically berate myself. I then learnt that it was his words that I was saying to myself, not my own. So now when I drop something my head might say 'whoops a daisy' or 'don't worry about it, it will all be fine' This was a massive learning curve for me as I realised that I was continuing the abuse that I have previously received and I was doing it to myself 
You deserve the best holyrood and once you 'know' this in your heart, you will feel free from HIM.
Brilliant news about attending the Freedom Programme it is really going to help 
When does it start?
Hi MissB73, how are you? did you have a good weekend?
Hi have had a pretty horrible few days, I've got a chest infection and youngest is poorly too then ex received letter from solicitor re contact and I got charming phone call
he said ‘thanks for my letter from the solicitor I really appreciate that, how dare you go and make out it’s all my fault, you haven’t told them everything have you?’
I replied I that had, to which he said ‘I’ve got evidence upon evidence against you’ I asked ‘are you saying I am an incompetent mother?’ his reply ‘I’m not saying that’ I told him that it was because he keeps threatening to take the boys and because he makes me feel I should ‘make’ youngest go to his dad’s that I had decided to go to a solicitor, I didn’t want these conversations or nasty texts anymore. he continued to talk at me so I said I didn’t wish to discuss these matters on the phone with him and put the phone down. Then it was texts back and forth
Text
from me to him
I
do not wish to speak to you on the phone, sorry but we just will not see eye to
eye on these matters which is why I have gone to a solicitors, you keep
threatening to take the boys away and I don’t want this anymore. If you want to
apply for access or custody of the boys please do so but I will not force youngest to visit the whole weekend if he doesn’t want to. Right now I just need to know
whether or not you are prepared to see
youngest for a bit after school on Friday or not…
Text
from him to me
You
know the arrangements all too well. I want to see Both my sons for the whole
weekend.
Text
from me to him
As
I have said before I am sorry but youngest doesn’t want to stay the whole weekend and
he is already fretting that he is going to get a bollocking from you about
everything. I will not force him to go, if you want to see youngest you will have to
accept my terms or reply to my solicitor.
Text
from him to me
Like
I said your solicitor Will have a shock when they hear the FULL story.
(he is refering to my history of depression and self-harm)
Text
from me to him
Stop
threatening me; you do not frighten me anymore. I have told them everything.
Don’t text or call me about anything but seeing the boys. Is the answer with youngest yes or no?
Text
from him to me
The
whole weekend yes
Text
from me to him
Only
eldest wants to come yes or no?
Text
from him to me
I
will pick them both up from school as per agreed arrangements on Friday. Drop
off Sunday at 4pm. This is your choice
Text
from me to him
You
will hear from my solicitor.
Text
from him to me
Fine
if this is the way you want it all I want is my boys
I don’t know what to do next, this situation is becoming increasingly distressing to the boys, eldest feels stuck in the middle because he wants to go to dad and youngest, despite saying he hates his dad, is, I know, finding what he sees as rejection by his dad deeply upsetting.
My main concerns this morning are that dad will collect youngest from school on Friday and, against my wishes, not return him until Sunday at 4pm instead of Friday evening as requested, and what I can or cannot do in that situation or that eldest will not be allowed to go for the whole weekend unless his brother goes too.
I don’t want to cease the boys contact with their father but am wondering if, as things are, its doing more harm than good and it would be better to cease contact until an access agreement can be sorted.
He makes me doubt myself I keep thinking what awful thing havent I told my solicitor? when I know I have been completely honest, what eveidence has he got? I know he is being a bully and a liar and a bad father but still I wonder what else I might have done wrong?
Today is just a low day and I know it will pass, this is what I posted on my Facebook last night...
'Knowledge is empowerment... when you understand the why and more importantly the how you can change the way you react to situations so that you aren't disempowered. You're stronger than you think, you are capable of more than you know, your past may have helped shape you but it doesnt have to define you, you get a 2nd chance to change things every second, its never too late to have the life you want, the life you deserve, dont postpone your happy life grab it now and live it'
Hi MissB73
Sorry to hear that you are having a rubbish few days. As for what you do next i would suggest that you contact your solicitor to see where you stand.
I also have to say that i really like your positive quotes, do you have any plans for today?
Hi MissB73, your ex is harassing you. You have asked a question and stated your position. The back and forth of texts is unnecessary.
I remember being back in your situation and when you are in the middle of it, it is so hard to see the wood for the trees.
My ex said that I was as bad as him (ie: violent) and gave as good as I got. (WHAT??!!) He also made up a whole load of lies when we got to Court. DO NOT listen to your ex, its not worth worrying over, because whatever he says lies or the truth, at this point it won't change anything.
You said that you are considering stopping all contact until this is sorted out, this sounds as though you would be protecting your children from someone who is unstable. Your eldest might kick off against it, but you are the protecter of your young and you know what is best. As Sally suggests I would get hold of you solicitors asap and do not have any further conversations via text. You have stated your position.
Hello, well Its been an eventful 10 days, I'm still ill despite anti biotics, youngest home ill all week too so no respite.
Solicitor sent ex letter re-phonecall so that sorted, feel better for having her, she acts as a buffer between me and the ex.
Managed to get him to agree to youngest going for 2 hour visit last friday and it all went crap then.
Youngest came home angry, upset and disappointed. Dad had made sarcy comments that just made my little man feel like crap..
'oh hello, who are you then?'
'Do you remember this house?'
and to his girlfriend 'I'm just giving this stranger a tour of the house'
he even commented to youngest '..and you still havent had your christmas presents have you?'
which indeed he still hasnt.
Once there he had his 'little chat' with youngest saying 'what are we going to do? you are supposed to come for the whole weekend every other weekend and it upsets me when you say you get bored here...' no suggestions or discussion on how they could resolve that.
Youngest said he felt pushed into agreeing to go the whole weekend next time but on coming home and bursting into tears says he doesnt want to go anymore at all and that he hates his dad.
Not being able to get in to see my solicitor until next wednesday and with a visit due today I did send the ex the following text -
'youngest was most upset after the visit on friday and has decided that he doesnt want any contact with you for the moment. I am inclined to agree and I support his decision. In the last month he has become more settled and his behaviour more positive. This changed on friday before and after his visit. I feel that it is not in the best interests of youngests emotional well being and happiness for contact to continue at this time. It maybe that mediation between you and youngest with a neutral party is required to resolve things. Until such a time youngest will not be coming for contact. eldest is still perfectly happy with contact and as such it can continue as normal. This message is purely for your information so you know what is happening with regards to contact. I know this is my legal right so please do not contact me via phone or text. A solicitors letter to confirm the above will be following.'
and today I found out he is contesting the maintenance payments he's got to prove shared care...and whilst I know that is since 20th august 2010 he has only had them everyother weekend....and not more than 3 nights in a row which I think adds up to roughly 45 nights a year so I know he cant prove otherwise I still feel kicked in the gut and meantime his employers havent sent in the normal payment so I'm now stuck with no money for food shopping til mon.
I'm so impossibly tired...tired of being strong, tired of keeping going....and whilst I know I'm doing what's best for youngest and I dont want him going to dad's when I realise I dont know when I might next get a proper break or night off I feel utterly overwhelmed and depressed....
Hi MissB73, you are doing a wonderful job. Well done, you are handling things, it is exhausting, but has to be done and you are doing it. 
It is so very hard to keep being strong and it is fine to have a moment when you just stop.
I too remember that feeling of realising that I might never get a break again, agghhh! But its fine, you will work it, whether it is sleepovers with friends or a babysitter. You will get used to it and it will be fine. You will be happier knowing that he is happier and actually you might find that you don't need a break so much, because he will improve.
Your ex has to find some way of retaliating to your text message and his way is via the CSA. Do you have food in the house to keep you going til Monday?
At this moment you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed. Do you have time to have a cup of tea and just sit quietly? If any thoughts of 'what might be' or 'how will I cope' come into your head, put them to one side and tell yourself that you will think about it later, right now you are having a pleasant 'me' time.
Thanks anna, eally appreciate your replies, I always worry, am I doing the right thing? should I be making youngest go, my gut tells me know but I am still filled with incredible self doubt whichthrough thre freedom program I can see is the result ofyears brain washing y the ex. my mam is doing a food shop fo me, but hate asking but needs must and youngest is going to her while eldest is at dads for todays short visit. So will go for a nap then. I've done what I can for today and everything else can wait til mon. Now it is time or tea and warm socks... :)
Yay! Tea and warm socks! Lovely! We have just had a huge downpour of hail, so that sounds perfect!
I am so glad that you have your mum, I know you hate asking, but it is good to see that you are.
I too remember that self doubt regarding stopping contact. I tried everything to make things work and I didn't want to be seen as a bad parent, however I now know it was definitely the best thing I could of done. It takes a lot of courage and you are right, you have experienced years of brain washing and somewhere deep inside you are still there, you now have to learn to listen to the inner you, because you do know the answers and what is best for you all.
Wishing you happiness and light whilst you enjoy your hour of peace 
It is exhausting...
I had a tea, cake and warm socks day on Sunday, it was lovely hmm 
Could probably do with those socks now my tootsies are cold brrrrr
I'm reaching breaking point, everything is just piling up on top of me, its all gone to solicitors, he wants parental responsibility after nearly 9 yrs seperated and shared residency, I have bills I cant pay, my youngest behaviour at home has improved since not being forced to visit dad but he's unhappy, hates school and attendance so bad,73%, that today I got a warning notice, another thing the ex can throw at me. I scared that if I fight the shared residency and take it to court I'll get torn to pieces and labeled an unfit mother and loose my children... I only agreed to parental responsibilty ( I havent signed it though) as my solicitor said I'd be seen as unreasonable by the court.
I feel so lost, worried, caged, like exploding or imploding, screaming, breaking,tired of being stron but too scared to let go incase I lose everything, or that other people will take control of my life, and on the other end of the scale I just want to let go and let someone take care of me instead. I feel ashamed, embarressed, a failure, a fraud, why would anyone want me/love me.
I havent had proper period of respite since august 2010, had 48 hours to myself in 4 months and with youngest not going to dad, though I still ask him every weekend if he wants to, I can't see any respite in the near future, eldest has positive contact with dad but youngest not at all and he doesnt want to go anywhere, let anyone else look after him only me.
I feel like my life is caving in on me and as though I have no where to turn.
thats a load off x
Hi MissB,
Every family has things to deal with at some point and that doesn't make you a bad mother. It makes you a good mother that you have been there for your children and supported them through this whole period and are continuing to do your best for them. Struggling to pay bills doesn't make you a bad mother either, that's just life on a limited income!
It sounds as though you have had a really stressful time. You are a good person, a strong person and a good mum, you have survived so much, standing up to your ex and supporting your son's wishes, you did this despite knowing that you would get 'grief' for it.. I know it's easier said than done to recognise this when you have been on the receiving end of psychological abuse for such a long time.
The reality of the world is that I don't think you will lose custody of your children, for one your youngest doesn't even want to see his dad at the moment. Your ex is just kicking back as he isn't in control.
If it does go to court then someone independent will talk to your children, then he can't blame you anymore for the contact situation with your youngest (not that it is your fault at all!)
Would he really go to court? You are feeling like this about the prospect and I'm sure that he knows how he has behaved. Will he want a judge/cafcass worker looking at all of that? Maybe he is just trying to bully you into it?
I know this feels like a nightmare, and I have felt just like you feel right now, very recently. It seems as though standing up to him was what was needed though and he has a harassment warning (over similar issues). I actually feel better for doing that- he can't contact me and bully me at all now, except through a solicitor. He was making malicous accusations and he may continue. The thing is though that if you are dealing with social services, courts etc, you are dealing with reasonable people- not people whose agenda is bullying you. It's much easier to deal with people who are being logical than with your ex.
I don't think you have anything to fear, I felt that I would be exposed for being rubbish- but I'm not rubbish- I'm surviving and building a new life and it's not easy and I'm not perfect, but I'm not rubbish.
You say like you feel that someone will take control of your life and that is what he is doing right now- that's why you feel scared of it. The reality is always different to what we imagine.
Have you considered contacting Women's Aid? Their outreach service is brilliant and I really think that letting someone else look at the situation would ease your fears.
Keep posting and lots of good wishes, support etc etc. You will live without this pain and fear one day xxx
Dear MissB73, really good to 'see' you again, I am sorry that you are in so much turmoil.
I feel that your ex is continuing the abuse that he started years ago. Easier said than done, but try not to take it personally and try and see it just as an abusive person continuing with his tactics. Get that bullet proof vest on.
If this went to court, yes you would be asked questions, but you can speak honestly and from the heart. Are there any records of his abuse in the past? You could state that the depression and self harm were due to his inconsistent behaviour.
I certainly wouldn't agree to shared residency and I actually think you have a good case against parental responsibility as he hasn't proved to be responsible. Do you still have a copy of all the texts that have gone on between you?
Regarding your son's school, how about making an appointment and going to talk about it with them and see how they would be prepared to help you?
Have you been in touch with Womens Aid? Twinkle left a brilliant post above and I would really recommend that you contact your local agency. They will be able to help you with legal issues and how you could move forward as they are so experienced in this type of thing.
It sounds as though you could really do with a break, how about asking your mum if she would have the boys for a night and the next day, so you can have some 'down' time?
MissB73,
How are things going? x
Not terribly well,sorry for not replying when you all give me such wonderful support, I've finally started the face-to-face freedom programme and the group is great. the lady who runs it got me to join surestart and through them I have got a wonderful counsellar. But Have now received legal papers from boys dad and he's applying for shared residency on the grounds of that the boys are suffering emotional abuse from me. He's filled in a form titled allegations of harm and domestic violence where he states he has concerns about youngest sons erratic behaviour, my ability to parent youngest - lack of discipline and boundaries, poor record of school attendance and worrying weight gain. That I failed to keep him up to date in relation to youngest's attendance at hospital and failure to work with father to promote a consistent level of parenting' got a court date for 28th June. Am so scared...
Hello MissB73
Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. PLEASE DO NOT LET YOUR BOYS' DAD UNDERMINE YOUR CONFIDENCE IN YOUR PARENTING.
Both your boys have different issues. Yes, it is a concern if the youngest is off school a lot but maybe that is something that he needs some support with (eg health worries, interraction with other children)
As for the not keeping him informed, why not offer to compile a weekly report (lots of parents do this) with sections on school, health, upcoming events, and you could email it to him to keep him in the loop.
Stay strong, we are here with you
sorry to hear that - i am sure someone will be along soon to offer good advice - sending you a hug
Thank you both, youngest has been very affected by situation with dad and how their relationship has deteriorated since xmas. he feels rejected by his dad thinks dad hates him, this has all contributed to low self esteem, weight gain etc he bullied at school, feels school doesnt care, because we've had rounds of tac meetings and nothing has changed for him with his dad. This has led to much stress and he's had bowel problems for a while - constant diarhhea, stomach cramps etc, which has led to the abscences and his doctor thinks he has irritable bowel syndrome, so am now working with school nurse on food and poop diary etc. Am in constant contact with school pastoral carers and the education welfare officer as young man does seem to be developing a phobia towards school as well as everything else.
Since feb I am no longer allowed to contact their dad and have been warned with a non-molestation order if I contact him again.
Bless him. It's hard to get children to "lose weight" but the aim could be to stay the same while he grows upwards. The doctor might refer you to a dietician for a bit more help.
we've been looking at what foods we eat and I ask what he thinks is a healthy choice, we've done shopping together and looked at low fat alternatives and what might be a better way of cooking food and I write a menu every week for the week ahead and make sure we have veg with every meal and boys have access to as much fruit as I can afford to buy. I talk about changing our eating habits rather than a diet and ask youngest to work with me as I'd like to lose a little to ease pain of arthritis in my knee. We do need to up the exercise and its all a work in progress. x
Aha, I knew you would already be sorting it, you've had some great ideas! Here are some articles with a few extra tips:
We also have a Food section on these forums where we share recipes
Sorry to hear you suffer with arthritis, so painful, poor you.Hopefully the weather is getting better this coming week and so we all will feel a bit more like getting out and about
What are your plans for the day?
Hello MissB73 glad you have come back to us and that you have been getting some great support. What support are you getting for these allegations your ex is making? have you sought some legal help?
As for your son and his weight here in Bristol at some of the local sports centres they run programmes called MEND (click link to find out if they run near you) that help parents and children to develope healthier lifestyles.
well, hello :-) its been 15 months, 6 court appearances, 1 cafcass assessment, 1legal representative for the boys, countless phonecalls to camhs, social services, education welfare etc etc and yesterday the court, at dads request, on financial grounds, dismissed his application for shared residency :-D eldest still going, youngest still not, and i finally have a family support worker oh and after 10 yrs of being single a new man in my life who came with me yesterday. stand your ground, dont be bullied, keep fighting dont give up, it does take a long time, it is sh*tty and bloody hard but worth it in the end.
I have got my life back, so have my children and now i can get busy living xxxMissB73
Hi MissB73
I have removed your name as we like to keep these boards confidential.
Welcome to One Space!! You have 2 boys, I bet that keeps you busy especially with autism, adhd and odd in the mix!
You say that you think it is possible your youngest has adhd and odd, have you spoken to your doctor or the Senco at your son's school?
Have a look at our article on ADHD where you can get useful tips and links to relevant organisations.
I am of the belief that if your child doesn't want to see their other parent, if you believe it is for good reason, then we shouldn't have to force them.
Is his father aware that his boy doesn't want to go? How often is the contact?
Great news to read that you have started the Freedom Programme, it changed my life and I have seen it work wonders for other women too, so well done! You say that you continue to be in a psycologically abusive relationship with him. Can you think of anything that would help you to distance yourself?
I love your last sentence - this is the year you take your life back - woo hoo! You are in the right place to support you to do this
Look forward to hearing back from you.