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I feel guilty posting this because I know so many of you have gone through, and are going through, so much more. As far as exes go, mine could be a lot worse.
At the same time though, I really feel as though I am reaching the end of my tether with him.
Last night I contacted him to tell him I was concerned about our son - his teacher took me to one side yesterday morning to say he hadn't been himself for a while at school and was there anything worrying him at home. I told him, and said that maybe it might be something to do with the impending birth of his new sibling, but that it could also just be that he's tired or has been affected by an incident at school a couple of weeks ago.
Anyway, this led to him saying I was selfish to stop him coming round to put the kids to bed and that i wouldn't be "feeling uncomfortable" with him in my house (yes he used inverted commas) if I hadn't provoked him into assaulting me. He said if anyone was messing up the children it was me for leaving him, and to top it all off sent me a Daily Mail hate piece about "selfish" mothers who push their husbands out of their childrens lives for their own selfish ends, and about how kids from single parent families are disadvantaged and unhappy... He also accused me of stopping him from seeing the children which is just such rubbish I don't even know where to start.
Then he started harping on about how he's stopped his drug problem (yeah right, lets see how long it lasts this time), and is getting a mortgage and how I am turning into the "old him" - which again is laughable, not least because he actually has no idea what I'm doing with my life (and he doesn't like that).
I know it's just words from a sad, childish, bitter and stupid man, but his constant b****cks is really starting to get me down. He antagonises me, tries his hardest to make me snap and I still haven't. I refuse to let him see how much he upsets me but I just don't know how much longer I can take it. It's been a year and a half since I left him, what does he think his guilt tripping is going to do? He thinks I'm going to suddenly say "oh darling I've made such a terrible mistake, come home and I'll be barefoot and pregnant and neglected and bored out of my mind for the rest of my life!"
He thinks I should be living in a permanent state of guilt, subjugating myself to him and his whims because I'm the one who left. He's the embodiment of the flippin' Daily Mail itself, a misogynistic, closed minded little toad. I've never felt such white hot, helpless rage towards a person before.
I'm sorry for ranting on, I know it's not going to achieve anything but I just don't know how I'm supposed to stop letting him get to me so much. My friends are worried about me and say that it's unhealthy that I let his moronic attacks make me so angry and they are right, but I have no idea how to even begin letting go of this anger.
Ha! Thank you. Yes, friends have said to me I have to stop letting him get to me but I just say, how? I'd love to know!
I'm sorry you have to deal with his impending arrival, I really hope that it's not as bad as you're expecting. Big hugs xxx
Well done for not letting him see how he gets to you, and not snapping,.... he is trying to get at you but the only way really is not showing any emotions about it, and you are doing it! He doesn't think about it, he just needs to do this to feel better himself. Or to give himself a buzz. And he hopes to make you feel really really horrible.
He is not happy himself, otherwise there is no need for him to do this, so sorry he can still make you so angry, I hope that with time you will just feel indifferent to what he is saying, as he truly is not worth it.
You are a great person and you have always done what is best for your children, you are such a great mum. You could have easily not even bothered to let him know.
Do you think it would be easier for you to just inform him by email, as then he cant talk to you like that? some people use a writing pad to just inform the other parent about things that have happened, which they hand over when the child visits, or put it in the childs bag, is that a possibility ?
Big hug xx
Good suggestion from Skyflower, informing him via email, so that you don't have to enter into conversation.
I agree with Skyflower too that you are a lovely person. I have a mantra that always helped me when I felt diminshed "I love and approve of myself and I am in control of my life" This has helped me no end!
Only you can control the anger/bitterness/rage that you feel towards him. Remember it is only a feeling, not who you are. Recognise the feeling when it arises and then move on - easy for me to say I have had plenty of practise!!
You haven't been separated that long so it is understandable that things are still raw, but the more you live your life, believe in yourself and your choices, the less his words can cut.
Hi Immi, just had another thought whilst on another thread. Forgiveness - if you can forgive your ex for all his wrong doings then you are free from angst of it all when he is negative towards you.
What do you think about that?
Thank you Skyflower, you're right of course. The only reason he could possibly have to try to belittle me and make me feel bad is because he is sad and bitter himself. I honestly leave him alone, the only time I ever contact him is if i absolutely have to about the children,my heart jumps into my mouth every time i see his name pop up on my phone. I have been tempted to buy a cheap pay as you go mobile and tell him thats my new number so he can only contact that one regarding the children, then I can check it in my own time and not have to worry about him appearing on my phone. and thank you for saying I'm a good mum, I do the best I can and I *know* that my kids are better off with us split up. But of course when he tells me I've messed them up and it's all my fault, it's hard not to doubt myself just a little.
Thank you so much Anna, I love that mantra, I'll try to remember to use it. I'm feeling great tonight thanks to Skyflower helping me with deed poll stuff, by the end of next week I will have my name back and I couldn't be happier. I think that will really help, just the daily psychological wearing-down of seeing his name constantly on my bank cards and letters being over with... it's immense.
Forgiveness is key, absolutely. There are so many things that I blame him for, which I know is wrong, and I need to let go of it. More than anything I need to forgive *myself* for choosing him. It's hard because I'm kind of still in that stage where I keep thinking what my life could be if I hadn't settled down and had kids so young, and with someone who was so so so wrong for me. But that's no way to live, it is what it is and I can't keep sinking into regret.
It's just... knowing how to do that.
A lady from the local Childrens Centre said she might be able to get me free counselling, and I haven't heard anything since so I might chase that up.
Thanks so much for your support ladies xxxx
Big hug Immi, it is not your fault for choosing him, as, if he would have shown his real self to you straight from the beginning, you would have RAN. I blamed myself and I could not forgive myself, until I saw (its on another thread here) murdered by my boyfriend and saw it was NOT my fault for choosing him, for giving the kids such a horrible father, we just danced these steps because we believed he was a good man and he would be a good father, we didn't see the little control signs and when the brainwashing started of them blaming us for literally everything whilst they created it, we believed him because by that time the belittling had already started and our selfesteem became so low. You have amazing kids Immi and yes you had them early and maybe that can also work as a positive as soon you will have more time for yourself, they grow up very fast and from a window of just a few hours here and there, all of a sudden there are many hours and you are still young enough to rebuild your life with many possibilities and choices.
Forgiveness is very hard and especially when all the belittling and blame is still happening. I am so glad Anna came up with that mantra and I will use it too Anna, thank you, remove yourself as much as you can Immi xx
thank you so much, I'm sorry that you went through so much from your ex. it definitely wasn't your fault, none of it was, and you've worked so so so hard to build a happy stable life for you and your kids xx
You're absolutely right of course, there's so much time. Sometimes I feel like I'm done, like I've messed everything up for good but I know that's ridiculous and one day I'll look back and wonder what on earth I was so worried about.
My ex isn't a bad man, he just can't deal with what's happened and I can only imagine how hard it must be to have to adjust to much less contact with your children than you were used to, and with having your marriage break down. But it's also not fair to punish me for that forever.
Hi Immi, I think that getting a cheap phone with new sim card is a great idea, then you are in control as to when you respond and how. Another tip is to not get into conversation with him. If there is something he needs to know, keep it brief, answer any relevant questions then make an excuse to get off the phone. It is when we are drawn into conversation that things tend to go off topic.
Brilliant to read that you need to forgive yourself first, yes, absolutely, once you can do this, then you will see him in a different light too. Chase up those counselling sessions if you can, they will help. Also you are spot on about being young. You have your whole life ahead of you. I spent many years reliving, rehashing, rethinking our relationship that I missed so much of my daughters junior years. It now seems like a lifetime away!
Skyflower it is wonderful to read that 'Murdered by my boyfriend' had such a positive and powerful impact on you! Onwards and upwards eh? 
Great idea Anna, about the phone, and thank you for your always caring support
Don't ever apologise for ranting.
I've been on my own for over ten years. My lot are grown up. The Git is coming up in a couple of weeks. I'm already getting angry...
Luckily he only manages to make it this way a couple of times a year.
Most of the time he doesn't enter my head.
I can't answer really, the question will he ever stop, as it is me who has issues with The Git. My children have been well protected from what went on, by me. The Git gets a kick because I'm sure he still knows that he can wind me up.
I hope you get to a point where you will be able to get his comments into context, as in him 'just' trying to get at you. And when you do, please can you let me know how you succeeded?