stacyb1407

HI everybody,

i am new to this site and im finding it useful as im looking for abit of advice, also havent used anything like this before.

My ex is being very difficult with the access i am giving him with our son.

He asked for 2 full days and an overnight stay (baring in mind he works 5 out of 7 days and starts work at 3 till late)

At the moment he says our son on a Wednesday and Friday from 9am-3pm/5pm (depending on if he has work or not) but this isnt good enough for him.

Our son starts pre school in September so i have said that he can see our son on his 2 days off (which is what he originally asked for) whatever they maybe but has come back saying this still this isnt good enough and he wants more.

I am reluctant to give an overnight stay as he lives in a one bedroom flat but soon he will be moving back home to his parents house where 5 people plus a baby already live.

I have offered what he has asked for (minus the one night stay) i just dont know what to do anymore?

I do have an appointment with citezens advice on Thursday.

Thanks for Listening

Stacy :)

Posted on: August 5, 2014 - 10:58am
Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi staceyb1407, welcome to One Space, glad you can join us and it's always good to read that you are already finding us useful!! Smile

I am reading through your post and thinking 'Stick to your Guns'. I think that you have considered the overnight stay and you feel that it isn't right for your son right now, he is going to be starting preschool soon, if you throw into the mix overnight stays at his dads and then at grandparents, it could all be too much, he needs things to be as settled as possible.

Would you be happy for your son to stay at his dad's overnight in the future?

Posted on: August 5, 2014 - 2:48pm

stacyb1407

Hi Anna,

Thank you for your reply,

Im trying to stick to my guns but it is very difficult, he has been to a mediation meeting so i have recieved a letter but i dont see mediation working as he doesnt listen to anything i have to say, just sticks to his own ideas and what he wants. He has written a couple of letters which i respond too but then when he responds he ignores evertything i have written and just writes about what he wants and what he is entitles too.

EG - i wrote informing him that once preschool starts he can see our son on his 2 days off, he responds with a 2 page letter not even mentioning this arrangement.

Regarding overnight stay, once he does have a 2 bedroom place, i think i would still be uneasy as he has a bad form of chroens disease and this makes him very tired and ill, which results in him not turning up somedays when he is meant to see our son, so i cant see him getting up with him at 5am (thats the delightful time our son likes to get up ha ha) so i guess time will tell with that one.

Also our son doesnt have sugars, sweets, chocolate, juice as it affects his behaviour and sleep pattern (has done since he was young) but he still goes ahead and gives him these things even thugh he knows he shouldnt have them.

I just feel stuck as i think i am being reasonable in what i have offered with access and putting our son first

Posted on: August 5, 2014 - 3:21pm

suneagle

Get things like Dr's letters saying that sugars etc effect your sons behavour. Keep a diary of the contact he already has, if he is late, cancels and what you have offered him and when.

Put everything in writting. Show that you are putting your son first and are being resonable. He is constantly writting what he wants, keep acknowleging that and polietly piont out how you have met him half way with your suggestions and keep suggesting what you believe is fair.

If you are going to court, then they might suggest mediation, if you split for abuse it is not a good idea but agree to something called shuttle mediation, that is a half way house if the courts insist on it.

HTH

Posted on: August 5, 2014 - 4:41pm

Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi stacyb

You mention that you feel stuck. I think you have thought about what is best for your son and you have conveyed this message to his father. Your ex is making you feel stuck by trying to change the goal posts. Believe in yourself and your decisions and don't feel as though you have to change them.

I personally believe that mediation could be a good way to communicate, because although it feels as though your ex doesn't listen to anything you say, a good mediator will help/encourage him to listen. They will write an independent report too, so it could help for you both to see it clearly.

Your son is still quite young and due to your ex's ill health I can understand your concerns. Although ideally you would like your ex to recognise this rather than you having to lay down the law.

My daughter used to get very bad eczema when she was small, I stopped all dairy and chocolate and the absence of these really eased her condition. Unfortunately her dad thought I was being precious and completely went against anything I said, so we had an ongoing battle with her skin erupting for years.

As she got older she soon learnt for herself what works for her and what doesn't, what I am trying to say is that we can't dictate what we want of our children's other parent, we can only suggest and hope that they will take on board our reasons.

Perhaps going to mediation would give you the chance to air your views in a safe environment and give him the space to see what is best for his son through your eyes?

What do you think?

 

Posted on: August 5, 2014 - 5:02pm

stacyb1407

Hi Anna,

Thank you, i shall believe in myself and my decisions.

I think you maybe right in that mediation would be good as he will see it from a different prospective rather than him thinking im just doing it to be horrible.

The other thing i was abit unsure about with the mediation is that the mediators he has chosen are based half an hour away from me and i dont drive or cant really afford the public transport to get there, i might look into some mediators in my area and see if he would go to one nearer home.

Thank you for your advice, its been very helpful :)

Posted on: August 5, 2014 - 7:14pm

stacyb1407

Hello Suneagle,

Thank you for your comment,

I have got a diary going of the contact he has and some stuff written up on computer of conversations and correspondance.

:)

Posted on: August 5, 2014 - 7:18pm

Sally W
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello stacyb1407 and welcome along to One Space,

Do have a look around for something that is easier for you to access and see if he will go along to the one you find, does he live far away from you, is that why he has chosen a place so afar away?

 

Posted on: August 6, 2014 - 7:22am

stacyb1407

morning sally,

No, he lives in the same area as me, so i don't understand why he has gone for the one he has. I have looked at there are done in our area :)

Posted on: August 6, 2014 - 7:36am

PMediation

It does sound as if mediation would be worth trying.  Mediators can help you both keep focused on your son and what he needs.  Your son is still young and it  probably would be helpful if you could find a way of communicating together about him and mediation can help with that.  You will both have to attend an initial meeting on your own before attending a joing mediation meeting so you do need to make sure it is convenient for you.  Do you think you might be eligible for legal aid?  If so you should try and go to a mediation practice that offers legally aided mediation.

Posted on: August 6, 2014 - 4:56pm

stacyb1407

Hello PMediation,

Thank you for your comment and your input on this, yes i think i will be eligible for legal aid (i had heard that this wasnt available anymore) i will get in contact with the ones i have found though and ask them if they offer legal aid.

Posted on: August 6, 2014 - 7:34pm

Sally W
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Let us know how you get on stacyb1407 Smile

Posted on: August 7, 2014 - 8:16am

stacyb1407

I will do.. thank you :)

Posted on: August 7, 2014 - 9:27am

stacyb1407

well i went to CAB today and appointment went well, i feel alot better knowing i am doing everything right.

I mentioned about finding a local mediator, so the advisor then said she can make me an appointment with thier mediator who comes in and also with thier solicitor. Which she has done for me. I asked about telling my ex what i have done and she said yes.

So i did.. i said 'in regards to mediation - i am willing to go to mediation but cannot get to where he wants me to go because as he knows i do not drive and i cannot afford the public transport there and back each time. I have found a local mediator and an appointment has been booked.'

His response - 'neither can i but ill find a way. Im not happy about this, bearing in mind it is me that insigated this, you will be taking all the credit.'

i cant win, credit? What credit? its not about who gets credit, i just cant get my head around it. I am willing to go to mediation i just changed the location as it would be better for us both (as he is not driving at the moment) I just dont know anymore.

I havent responded as i dont know what to say to that, he will be picking our son up in the morning, so see if anything is said then.

Thanks for listening :)

Posted on: August 7, 2014 - 7:31pm

Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Good morning stacyb1407, it sounds as though the meeting with CAB went really well and that you feel supported in your decisions. 

I think that our ex's can feel as though all control is taken away from them when they are no longer in the home. Little do they realise that we are always trying to do right by our children as well as taking their needs into consideration. 

He is obviously feeling stung, perhaps he heard about the mediators that he initially contacted and didn't think to look closer to home.

This isn't about anyone taking credit or getting one upmanship, this is about your son. Try not to think too hard on what he meant, or why he said it, you may never get to the bottom of it. We just have to keep doing what we believe is right for our children, we are not responsible for the thoughts or actions of others.

How did the pick up go this morning? 

Posted on: August 8, 2014 - 10:01am

stacyb1407

Good Morning Anna,

Hope you are well,

I completely understand how he must feel but as you said its not about credit etc its about out son, he wanted to go to mediation and im willing, just cant get to where he wants me to go.

With the advice i got yesterday i do believe i am doing right by our son and thats all that is important, the advisor was very helpful.

Pick up wasnt too bad, i was pleasant, had a little chat as our son had a ball he wanted to give his dad, so i explained etc asked when he was bringing him home and then he gave me a letter.

Insisting that i should still go to S****** (the place where the mediator is) with train prices.

He doesnt seem to understand that i have our son to think of, child care, trains arent always reliable and some weeks i am left with no money until i get paid again so i wont even able to afford the train anyway.

:)

Posted on: August 8, 2014 - 10:19am

PMediation

Just wanted to say that usually mediation is arranged to be near the place where the child lives.  Why dont you attend your initial appointment locally and suggest the mediation service contacts him?  Maybe mediation could be arranged around a time when he comes to collect your son.

Posted on: August 8, 2014 - 10:24am

stacyb1407

Hello PMediation,

I do have an appointment now with a local mediator (after seeing CAB) for an initial appointment. This will also be local to us both. My son will be at his childminders that day, which will be his last day :(   (growing up too fast)

Thank you, I will suggest in my meeting that they contact him.

Thank you for your comment :)

Posted on: August 8, 2014 - 10:36am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Well done stacyb1407, keep going and although it is VERY difficult, I would suggest the best way to deal with remarks like "you're taking all the credit" is to ignore then totally. This is about your son and if his dad sees it as a competition, that's his problem and not one to which you need to give headspace. You have done all the right things and if you continue to show that you are very willing to facilitate contact between your son and his dad then that is all good.

Posted on: August 9, 2014 - 7:44am