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I need a lot of advise regarding the access my ex-husband has with our son. I am wondering in this case whether it would be in our sons best interest for me to obtain sole custody of him. In which case the father could still have access to him.
A lot has gone off and I really need some advise I am constantly arguing about how LITTLE time The father spends with his son. I allow him as much time as he needs around his full time job but over time he lowers it seeing and speaking to our son less and less.
Last year He had our son over at his house 8 nights a month or every weekend. He also would come and visit him for an hour after work twice a week. The mid week visits stopped last year, he went to a solicitor (to get LESS access) to say that he had social commitments. Then 8 nights a month went down to 6 nights a month as he decided as he works a 9-5 5 day a week job that he needed a day of to unwind. I allowed him this.
Recently he as made me aware that his hours have changed at work and every two weeks he works late, in which orgionally he wanted me to allow his girlfriend to have him whilst he was working. I refused as J only goes over to spend time with his father, and if he wasn't going to be there would be no point. And I don't mind having our son here, I don't need a babysitter. He stressed that I was stopping him from seeing his son on a friday night, even though he wouldn't get home till 10pm, I was angry at the thought of them keeping our son up as he is only 3 years old. He went to a solicitor to try and get access though the courts for his girlfriend to have our son whilst he wasn't there. They turned him away.
Whilst he used to have our son 1 week friday till saturday, now due to work he has him saturday- sunday. Week 2 he would have our son friday- sunday. How ever he is now arguing that he doesnt have time to have him 2 nights on those weekends any more, he will not specify a reason, he has cut his 6nights access down to 4. I am really concurned for the relationship of my son and his father.
I want to discuss this with him and his girl friend but after a year of them being together I am still not allowed to speak to her, i don't know any thing about her other than her first name and that she lives with my sons father.
I am also concerned on her efforts to overly mummy my little boy manly as i dont know her, but also because he is my son.
I have been concerned about this situation for a very long time and i have started to consider getting full custody mainly to end all arguements, as they are all about my concern that he doesnt see or phone his son enough.
He is also angry with me because I will not give him permission to take my son abroad for more than 7 days and this is mainly to do with the fact i am worried about him coping as over the past year he has constantly ccut his own acess down alot. I would be concerned for my son's safty and also maybe him being brought back to me.
I am constantly disturbed with the fathers behaviour as there are hundereds of parents fighting to gain access, however it seems he fights for less. Ihe says he loves our son and knows how special he is and when i see them, i know it too. But why want less..?
If he had him fortnightly, for one night i would be distraught, i would feel it is a waste of time him having access.. :( Our little boy is so special to me, and i feel like if he isnt going to get a good enough relationship with his father why should i allow it to be poor. :( I have tried, begging, arguing, and alsorts to get this sorted out, he isnt willing to allow me to speak to his girlfriend, we argue over text which can often go wrong, he isnt willing to come and speak to me in person. The only thing he is willing to do is go through mediation, but he isnt willing to pay. I feel like i hate him, its not fair our son doesnt get the best he can give. This isnt the best he can give and i dont know why he isnt willing
Hello M111 and welcome along
You talk about "getting sole custody" but in practical terms you have that already...your boy lives with you most of the time. As Anna says, we cannot force the other parent to be involved as much as we think they should and whilst I totally agree with you that the hot/cold behaviour is not conducive to their relationship, you as the parent with the main care have two options: to go along with his dad's parenting time or to oppose it through legal means. If he went to court then it is extremely unlikely that he would be refused time with your son. You are therefore left with the "going along" option... know that you realise this and in any case WANT your boy to have a good relationship with his dad.
I agree that a seven day holiday away from mum is a pretty long time. And I think it is ridiculous that you are not able to speak with his girlfriend if she is to have sole care of your boy even for a brief period...that is a bit like saying I am employing a nanny one day a week but I cannot interview her!
You say he would go to mediation. Payment is only according to means at many mediators. Give your local office a ring and find out, you can find your local office by clicking here Some private counsellors will also do this sort of work. But the bottom line is that if he will not negotiate then you will have to accept what is happening.
Another point: as this affects your beloved son, it is a highly emotional issue for you, of course it is. Just be careful not to allow that emotion to spill over to J...what I mean is one of the very best things you can do for your boy at this young age is to always present his dad to him in a positive light and keep all the argy bargy out of his earshot.
If i was to ever aquire sole custody i would want him to still have access to my son, As i unserstand having sole custody doesnt mean he doesnt see his son, it just means that all the arguements and solicitor threats if i say no his girlfriend cant have j it means no as i am the sole parent.. I am just fed up with him constantly arguing with me. Some times it will be that he wants j to live with him one week and me another, and it wont work, He needs to be settled, with a good routine in 1 school. He'll argue with me about what nursery or school he goes to even though i have no choice in the matter, and he never collects him from their any way. He also argues that he WONT come to birthday paarties. To me that is wrong, he should want to be there, most dads would jump for joy for an invite to their childs party, a chance to meet the people j cares and about and play with, he says he shouldnt be there and he will just throw a second party for him, i just worry that could have inpact on the way our son is raised, spoilt maybe for having people run around giving him two of every thing..
Hi M111,
I would not worry about having legal sole custody. Having custody does not stop the other parent's parental rights.
Sadly, some dads' contact dwindles down over time. My exhusband hasn't seen the children in almost ten years and hasn't made contact for at least 8. They are almost grown up now, and yes, they are sad about the lack of contact, but also they know that this is ot because of me, because I have assured them lots of times that should their father want to see them, and they wanted that, too, I would make it possible.
If once a month is all it is, go with that - your son has a right to this. Do not worry about birthday parties - it's ok to have two parties and be made special twice. (I think there is a children's book called 'Two of Everything' that talks about why it sometimes is that way).
My advice is chill. You are doing the best you can. Your Ex's behaviour is not your responsibility and your son will find out for himself what is behind it. Yes, that might be a bit hard on your son, but children are tough.
Also, if you feel you would benefit from knowing your Ex's girlfriend a bit better, contact her. Who says you are 'not allowed'? Surely you can make your own decision on that.
Hang in there, it takes some time, but eventually a routine will be established. :-)
Hi M111
If your ex is willing to go to mediation it may be your best shot at getting your views across have you had a look at the link Louise posted?
I think Hopeful also made a good point about your ex's girlfriend would you be able to contact her?
Hi M11 and welcome to the One Space message boards.
It sounds as this has been going on for a long time and you really want your son and his dad to have a positive relationship.
It is a shame that your ex has cut his contact over the last year. I do not know about the legalities of sole custody and how likely you are to get it, but please feel free to contact our Legal Expert free of charge.
I am surprised that you are unable to speak with his girlfriend, if she would have originally been the one that would have J, is it possible to write an email saying that you would like to sort this out so everyone is happy?
I think it is a common concern for single parents that the new girlfriend/boyfriend of ex tries to parent our little ones, however we must see the positive in the fact that if they are long term, then they will grow love to love our children and care for them well.
I understand you not wanting J to go abroad for more than 7 days. At 3 years old, it is a long time to be away from mummy.
We can not control how much the other parent wants to be involved in our childs life unfortunately, no law in the land can make the non resident parent see more of their children. How would you feel if your ex had your son fortnightly, for one night?