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Hi
I am looking for some advice and guidance.
I split from my partner 6 mnths ago and we have a 20 month old daughter. At the minute my partner has our daughter sunday evening and over night, tuesday eveing and overnight and every other weekend she stays over night. After seeing many changes in her routine and the constatn up heaval of changing beds and locations i am worried that this is now having a major affect on her and her development. She is a happy bubbly young girl who when ever she comes bck from her dads is subdued and struggles to re adjust and takes her a good 6 to 12 hrs before she is settled again even causing massive problems with her sleeping through the night. This has also been compacted by the fact that her dad does not agree with changing her over to a bed now which i feel is the right step as she has out grown her cot and is ready in her development for this next step. I am lookin at cuttinfg down how long he has her to just the evenings on the sundays and tuesdays and not staying over then and staying over every other weekend, but am worried that this is going to cause a massive row over his rights?? does anybody have any views and help they can offer??
Hi Pinkstuff
Nice to hear from you.
My little girl is 29 months now and we split back in Sep. I see you split the days that you both have her. Can you have her half a week each at a time this might help her get into a better routine.
I have my little DD from Thursday night until Sunday night, this gives her plenty of time to settle down. She is now used to this and knows when its time to go to mummy or daddy's house now. We have also got exactly the same cot bed at both places with the same duvet covers etc so she knows there is no difference for her when she goes to sleep. She also has her favourite dolls which she brings between both houses that she sleeps with as a comfort thing. We have also kept her bedtime routine the same story time etc and also the time she goes to bed so the only thing different for her is that she sees her mummy and daddy at different times.Even down to meal times we have tried to keep at the same times as before. We have found this to work really well for her.
These little things have worked for us and we can both get quality time with our dd and she is a very happy girl now.
I hope you can come to some sort of agreement without anybody losing out of time together with your daughter as it is important that she sees both of you. Can you try and have a meeting in a neutral to discuss things, we had a meeting in a pub which went well as there was plenty of people around so the conversation did not get heated.
Hi pinkstuff, this does sound all very unsettling for your daughter. Was it a joint decision for these contact times and days? Can they be changed? If your partner was able to have your daughter for half of the week, how would that sit with you?
Wayne that sounds like it has worked out really well, great advice.
I especially liked that your daughter has the same duvet cover in both homes, what a brilliant plan. got any more great tips?
Hello pinkstuff
Welcome to One Space.
Children of your daughter's age need routine, no doubt about it. I am not surprised that she finds it difficult to settle when she comes back to you.....and presumably she will find it difficult to settle when she goes to him. That is not a reason for them to stop seeing each other but yes, it does need looking at. Has she settled Ok in a bed at your house? If yes, then it is time to get a bed at her dad's house too. Porbably better to get her happy in a bed at your house before she gets one there, though.
You talk about "visitation rights". The rights in law are all on the side of the child ie a child has a right to a relationship with both parents provided it is safe to do so. If her dad were to decide to take a court action, as long as there are no major concerns such as violence or substabce abuse then it is extremely likely that a judge would grant an order. However, a court would usually expect you to have been to mediation first to try and sort out the finer details. If you can sort this out between the two of you then even better! and cheaper!
Is there a family member or friend that could meet with both of you to discuss it? If not then how about a letter to your daughter's dad saying that you are finding that your daughter is unsettled after her visits and you would like to ensure that she is receiving consistency from both of you and ask that you can discuss this (be prepared for him saying that you might have to make adaptations too!) What time does your daughter come back to you after the overnight stays? If by about lunchtime, she has time to resettle into your home, but if she is not coming back to you until teatime then this may be more difficult for her, so that is another aspect to consider.