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Hi,
My Ex-husband and his fiancee requested increase from half a day to a whole day a week contact with DD. They have had two days with her over last two weeks. I agreed to increase as I thought DD would like to have more contact. DD has started saying things which I find odd and out of character I quote
" I think (fiancee name) is my mummy"
"(fiancee name) is my best mummy"
After the second quote which was Thursday I was so choked I had silent tears - when DD asked me why I was crying I just made an excuse and said I was missing my mummy (she lives 2 hours away - so I got away with the lie).
Has any mum heard their DD say this to them or similar? Is it normal for 4yr old to get attached so quickly to ex-h new fiancee?
Hi.
I have an idea in my head and I'm going to try and put it into words...
I'm sure you daughter sees you as exactly the same person in exactly he same place in her world and that she's just trying to put your x partners partner in place in her world. Mummy, daddy, I'm sure they mean different things to a child as they do to an adult. My daughter went through a stage when she was around four of calling my sister her mummy and telling all her friends that she was, she knew that she wasn't but with all the images around her of children with two parents I suppose it made sence to her, in that it fitted in, or made her world make sence. No one told her that my sister was her mummy she just used the word to make sence of her world in relation to what she saw around her; woman with man plus children. She knows who her mum is and I did have conversation with her about it and so she knew and slowly came to understand the difference, now she calls her Aunty.
If all that makes sence, it's just a word and words mean differnt things to different people.
I'm sure she sees you as the main carer so to speak, the one that loves her and looks after her, the one that cuddles her and makes her feel better, makes her feel secure. Love to a child is the person who fills all their needs, emotinaly and physicaly on a day to day basis and we just give them the word mummy or daddy that they slowly come to understand.
If you get what I mean : )
Four year old children don't have the vocabulary to express all of how they feel and think so they will use the nearst word they have to express themselves, their ideas.
I expect she knows you are her mummy in the way that you think you are her mymmy in the way that you think she thinks... If you get what I mean.
Sorry but sometimes I can't get into words what I mean, but I think your daughter loves you in all the ways she should, she's just getting your X partners partner into place in her world : )
Don't worry :)
thank you for replies
Hi englishrose. How are things now? How are you feeling?
Hi,
Feeling ok now thanks. DD with dad and dp all day today so will be interesting to see how DD is tomorrow. Did have a look at the book Louise recommended on Amazon, but I won't get it just yet as she doesn't actually stay overnight with dad so doesn't really have two of everything as in the book. It's something that might happen in the future so might get it then, so thanks for the tip.
Since the comments made by DD, every now and again I will say to DD you're my best (DD name), then I ask who am I? DD always replies you're best mummy. I think if she mentions dp again I will say she is best (dp name) so it gives her something to call her. In the past she always referred to her by name so calling her best and her name will be better than having two best mummies.
That sounds like a good plan, english rose 
It does...
Have had a meeting with the ex and the ex's p recently. Ex told me "I want DD to call my partner mummy". Well now I know why DD is confused. Ex is a really difficult bloke and I am not going to waste my time arguing/reasoning with him.
That is ridiculous, englishrose, she is not her mummy and never will be. Did you ask about how he would feel about his daughter calling another man daddy?
Anyway at least you have the answer now, rising above it all does seem to be a good idea in the circumstances!
Poor mite...
Loads of hugs englishrose, you sound as if you're dealing with things positively.
Hi englishrose, is this man for real? Good for you not engaging in a row or anything. Well done.
How well do you get on with your ex's partner? Is this something that you can discuss with her, just to share your fears?
Or are you at the point where you are happy to accept this?
Hi thanks for all the comments, I get on ok with the ex's partner. She wrote this on my daughter's birthday card "lots of hugs and kisses from your future mum" It is in her handwriting. I think she means future mum as in when she gets married. I don't have a problem with her being a step mum to my DD as I'm sure she will be kind and caring, it's just a shame they both use the wrong word.
My way of dealing with it at the moment is to tell daughter she has one mummy (me) and if dad gets married then she will have a step mum too. DD seems to be ok with that explanation.
So glad I found this site, it's a relief to share things and to read your comments.xx
Hi
You're dealing with it well, and what you are telling her is correct - and brilliant. They should have been more careful with the wording, I agree.
Strangely enough my oldest will refer to The Gittess as step-mum and her children as step-sisters. The other three will refer to her by her name. The other three will see them, and eldest won't... I always call her by her name (which isn't actually Gittess...)
sparklinglime you do make me chuckle, I agree with you though, I think englishrose is handling this very well when discussing it with her daughter.
Well done you englishrose, if it were me, I would try and find some books on step mummies/families.
I would also still feel inclined to write a letter to ex's partner and tell her that I would not be happy for my daughter to call her mummy, especially if she is only going to see her once a week. That is your right and yours alone. (Understandable if your ex was a widow and wanted your daughter to feel safe and secure, but in this instance not necessary).
Have you come to terms with this or are you still confused?
Hi, thanks sparklinglime - you make me laugh too with your comment!
Anna - thanks for your comments - I've come to terms with the situation now and realise that whatever the ex or his partner say I can always tell dd what I believe is true/correct so hopefully dd will make up her own mind what to do or say.
Just read your thread englishrose, and must say that you are dealing wth this very well...It's always upsetting when you hear what your ex's have been saying to your children, as I have had some similar issues...but reading what Louise and Anna and others have written, it's a good reminder for us all, that our children can see we love them and look after them.
Hugs...
englishrose, high five. You are absolutely right, we hold the final word on what we want our children to believe. As long as we keep talking to our children and have an open and honest relationship with them, we really do hold all keys. The only thing to be careful of is how far we go!
Hi English Rose
How absolutely devastating for you. No wonder you are upset! It would break any parent's heart.
The first thing I can tell you, hand on heart, is that she does not mean one word of this. There are two possibilities here. The first is that they have put words into her mouth, which is totally wrong. She might have asked her dad an innocent question, such as have I got two mummies now? and he has not handled it well. The other possibility is that she has learned that expressing love/hate/preference gives her some power (pretty intoxicating when you are four and usually have NO power).
Either way, please be assured that she has NOT got very attached to this woman, nor will she ever stop loving you, her mum. She might be struck with someone's appearance for a while, or their laxer rules but it is a passing phase.
Did you ever get any books about separated parents? I am thinking in particular of Two Homes. You can get this book and read it to her so she understands more about the concept. In the meantime have a word with her dad, NOT what you have told us above, that really DOES hand over "power" to him, but along the lines of "DD is not sure what to call Jane, do you want me to encourage her to call her by her first name or be Auntie Jane or what?" ...and then you can speak about Jane in a normal calm tone to DD and also that question will flush out whether there are any moves afoot from his point of view to get DD to think of two mums. Anytime DD says anything like you have quoted above just say oh right and pretend it is not important. Giving it attention will make her do it more.
Stay strong, I promise you that no-one will ever take your place