This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Son / Partner = Problems
Back in 1995 I had a beautiful son Ashley, unfortunately at birth he was starved of oxygen for sometime resulting in him having learning difficulties, but not severe.
In 1999 my marriage ended badly due to physical violence. I chose to leave for the safety of my son and myself. Life moved on and I had another relationship for 5 years again abusive and chose to end this. It had affected my son in ways I could not accept leading to him being physically hurt again leading to me disbursing the relationship. I tried for a relationship with a man 10yrs my age. Only to find out that in the first year he was having a relationship with another woman making her pregnant and asking her to marry him. We split up, she lost the baby ditched him and he returned to me after 6months. I accepted his mistake and we had another 6 years which again ended due to him seeing another woman. I was as you can imagine devastated. But our relationship never got past seeing each other on a Wednesday and Saturday night because he had issues with me having a son and him not being able to stay faithful.
The problem I am having now is:
My current partner and my son. My partner and I became friends back in March 2010. He was having marriage problems and was splitting up after a 20 yr relationship, he has too children on girl 8 and a son 10 he is devoted to his children. He left his wife after Christmas 2010 and we started a relationship in the February 2011. I wanted to take things slowly and eventually he started to stay over 4 nights a week the other 3 is spent with his mum (leaving him feeling like he was one step away from being homeless). He hasn’t yet started divorce procedure due to not being financially stable as he is still paying his wife and incurring major debts as he is struggling with day to day life. My son is unable to accept our relationship and has told a mate that he goes out of his way to cause arguments and upsets my new partner. I spend time with my son as we share and own horses. But I feel that I am being pulled apart as my partner will no longer come round the house as he cannot stand the friction between them. He has enough trying to
Cope with his Still wife and children. I have tried to sit them both down and clear the air to no avail. I want to make me and my partner work as I love him dearly. I love my son too. I have asked school and my gp if my son can have counseling. And I need both of them to get on. My partner has given up trying and only wants to be respected. My son goes out of his way to make situations and arguments between us I am beginning to feel the toll and am getting to the stage where I am finding it difficult to cope. Advise please to make this work
tiyaemmahorses
Hi
I'm sorry you're feeling so torn with things.
Please can I ask a question? Why is your partner not financially stable? If he is struggling to pay his wife maintenance, then he needs to ask this to be reviewed. If payments are taken via the CSA, that will not be so easy.
While he may feel that staying with his Mum makes him feel homeless, he isn't. He does have somewhere to stay.
I came out of a marriage having to lose everything to pay off my ex-husband's debts, and I have been homeless with my children since.
I did meet someone after I split up, but he was staying here and basically I was keeping him. While he was divorced, he had no children.
I do feel that you are being put in such a difficult position here.
Sometimes some "time out" with some close friends who can see things for what they are will help to see a solution.
Perhaps the time spent with your horses could help here. Whether time with your son, or your partner spending time with your son.
But if you're feeling pressurised to "chose" then somehow that is a situation you shouldn't have to be in.
Louise : Thank you, sometimes someone looking from the outside in can see the issues underlined. i have approached my son and he tells me he actually likes my partners "confused" as why cause friction ? but in the next breath does have an issue that he still in the eyes of god although he seperated he is still married to the ex and that he hates it when i get upset and cry. understanderble i know that bit. i would feel the same in his position. but if you see that it is destressing your mum would you not stop this and change? My partner has been nothing but nice to him and helped him with things that even his farther doesn't/ wouldn't do. Thats the bit im struggling with on this so why wager the war?
Sparklingtime : My partner is self employed Tree surgeon and can only work when the weather allows it. Also with his depression he has good days and bad (which the ex adds to leaving sometimes in a state of absolute shut down). In 2010 he died on the operating table and is still here to tell the tale. He is still not back to the healthy person he use to be. They had to survive on his credit card to get them by while he was hospitalized causing a huge amount of debt, she was only working part time. Not only that they both lived above and beyond there means. My partner still pays all her morgage and bills. leaving him with little money for himself the CSA is paid and he still gives her money for the kids on top which leaves me fuming as he does not offer anything when he staying at mine. Just a small contribution to shopping or helping round the house would be enough in my eyes. But with the situation between my son and him has left him feeling he doesnt want to help out because he'd not do it the way we want it. he has OCD when it come to cleaning. The time out bit is not a good idea as it may trigger his depression even more. I dont feel he is strong enough for that kind of move as yet it would just cause him to go into complete shut down. i just need him to see the end of the tunnel the ex partner was and still is extremely controlling. which is something he is struggling to get past as i am one for making people stand on there own 2 feet and become independant. i have taugh my son to do this as i would hate for him not to cope if anything was to happen to me.
All i want is to have a family unit to share with the people I love insted of this constant on going war and arguements. I can understand the pressures that my partners is getting from the ex i can. if anyone else was to see the texts sent and the phone calls it would chill even the thickest of blood. Getting your childrens phones and sending the messages and getting them to cry down the phone is absolutly disgraceful. She needs councling herself. It has taken may years for him to get out of that relationship and yet he still relives the issues everyday. its a form of torture.
This all sounds like a right mess i know, but i dont want to give up on the people i love.
tiyaemmahorses
Hi there tiyaemmahorses and welcome to One Space from me 
This does sound like a mess, but an understandable one.
I am wondering what you are getting out of the relationship with your current partner? I am also wondering whether your son is trying to control the situation to stop you and he getting hurt.
I understand that you don't want to upset your partner, however this is your and yours sons life at stake here and your current partner needs to step up if you are going to be the family unit you desire.
Have you considered going to counselling yourself? I think getting some support for yourself would help everybody in the current situation. What do you think?
Hello tiyaemmahorses
Welcome to One Space.
You have needed to care for your son more because of his difficulties and I am guessing that you have become very close because of this. From his point of view, he has seen two abusive men with you then another unfaithful man who has caused you great distress. Small wonder that he is wary about any men in your life, he is scared that things will turn out badly for you again.
Here is a big truth about stepfamilies: they do not have to like each other...but they need to treat each other with respect for your sake and I can see that you understand that. Your son has no right to dictate whether you have a new relationship but on the other hand your partner needs to understand that you come as a package and part of being with you is to build a relationship with your son. This means them spending time together without you, whether that is with the horses or something else. In the old days, a man would often need to curry favour with a woman's parents in order to cement his relationship with the woman....and here we are with a different scenario in that the man needs to establish himself with your young man. I have to say that if he is not prepared to do this then you have to seriously reconsider whether he is right for you.
I am concerned that you seem to be placed in a position of referee between them but also of having to "parent" your partner ie protecting his feelings, being understanding that he has not started divorce proceedings and is in a lot of debt. Your past experiences may have led you to just feel relieved that he is not abusive or unfaithful....but you still deserve better than this. Let the relationship cool a little while you make up your mind, make it clear to him that part of the deal is to build a good relationship with your boy, and in the meantime starting looking after YOU
Have a look at the Freedom Programme (click) in light of your past relationships as this can be tremendously helpful for moving forward
Sorry this is tough talk.....and it might not have been what you wanted to hear